Wow I need advice...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,  I have been a member here for quite some time mostly just learning from what you all share but I have stuck around too long in my marriage.  I been married 24 yrs.  The wife has decided she's done with me and is looking to ruin my life.  She has filed false domestic violence claims against me following a fight in which she was intoxicated, the aggressor hitting me and raging on me which resulted in my being jailed for 8 days.  She staged a scene 3 hours after I left our home and called police telling this horrific story implicating me as violent. 
She is also trying to ensure I lose my nursing license, which is very possible.
She has also kicked our adult daughter out of our home for being neutral, who is nearly finished with nursing school herself.(age 21)
She is running around causing me great stress.  She makes 5 times the amount of $ I do which complicates my case for lack of funds to hire attorneys to fight her attacks on me.  All of this is so crazy.  I don't understand how a person can be so cold, so cruel, and comfortable with the destruction they cause.

[Lastbreath]

Hi all,  I have been a member here for quite some time mostly just learning from what you all share but I have stuck around too long in my marriage.  I been married 24 yrs.  The wife has decided she's done with me and is looking to ruin my life.  She has filed false domestic violence claims against me following a fight in which she was intoxicated, the aggressor hitting me and raging on me which resulted in my being jailed for 8 days.  She staged a scene 3 hours after I left our home and called police telling this horrific story implicating me as violent. 
She is also trying to ensure I lose my nursing license, which is very possible.
She has also kicked our adult daughter out of our home for being neutral, who is nearly finished with nursing school herself.(age 21)
She is running around causing me great stress.  She makes 5 times the amount of $ I do which complicates my case for lack of funds to hire attorneys to fight her attacks on me.  All of this is so crazy.  I don't understand how a person can be so cold, so cruel, and comfortable with the destruction they cause.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Oh my!
This is a tough time for you I'm sure.  The only great advice I can start with is to start, or keep up with, self-care.  There is no quick solution to these kinds of troubles, so you have to pace yourself and pick your battles. 
I would suggest also trying to run an audio recorder on your person while you are any where around your wife.  It's not to collect evidence, but, to exonerate you when the cops show up. 
I am so sorry you are going through this.  I know that stories like the one of what you are going through convince a lot of men to stay married.  It's an uphill battle to convince most everyone that the man isn't always the instigator / abuser / aggressor.  Even harder to get a court to believe a father is a better caregiver than mom.

Good luck, prayers and courage for you!

[ForeverDad]

Are there any consequences for those 8 days, beyond cooling your heels with mounting frustration?  I'm talking legal consequences.  Was the case dismissed?  Or is the case continuing?

Did the court try to pressure you to confess that you were Mr Evil Personified or to agree to a plea deal?  Did you have a lawyer advise you on what to say and, more importantly, what NOT to say?  The advice from peer support here (not with the weight of legal advice from a lawyer) is to never agree to a plea deal or any level of guilt (well, not without expert legal advice) because such pleading can't be undone.

Once we know your current status, such as whether your case is pending before the court, we don't know what to comment on first.

If you've been married for 24 years and no previous allegations to police or court, then your risk of court coming down hard on you as though you're a career perp is minimal, well, probably minimal.

But one thing is clear, something we've repeated here many times... .Once an allegation has been made, or even mere contemplation thereof, it will happen again, given enough time.  The point is that you can't give her opportunity to do it to you again.

Another important question is whether you have minor children.  If they're grown, then she's not angling for Leverage to gain custody.  She might just be 'punishing' you for whatever perceived wrongs you've done.  Or she might be angling for a better financial outcome in a divorce.  So many possible incentives for her.

If a divorce is your future, then you need to immediately read our best divorce handbook... .Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  Between that most excellent handbook, peer support such as here and an expert proactive attorney, your outcome will be better than she plans.

[Lastbreath]

Thank you for your replies and support.  Court date is in near future.  I have a good attorney and NO prior criminal record of any kind nor have the police ever been called to our home for such matters.  Her motive is my drawing a line in the sand and no longer agreeing to her circular games.  I'm 46 yr M who's mother died 20yrs ago and recent loss father in death and have re-evaluated my life and what I'm willing to live with.  FYI- uBPDw was absolutely cruel to me thru this loss.  All kinds of raging with accusations during my grief for "not being yourself", "why are you acting this way?"  "there's another woman". etc etc.

I have told my attorney to accept no plea as I will not consent to this when I have done no wrong.  Her story is completely fabricated.

I immediately filed for a divorce so there will be no more of this.

All our kids are grown... .18 youngest.  My oldest daughter is my witness of the true events on the evening.

My uBPDw is motivated by rage of my non-compliance in her psychological circus paired with her having an enormous retirement/pension that she has numerous times voiced "you're not getting any of my retirement".  On the evening of the fight prior to my jail time the wife yelled at me several times "You're such a ___ing idiot!  You don't even know what's coming!"  Well, true.  I am an idiot for hanging onto a marriage that was a sham at best.  But her plan has so far worked in her favor.

This is breaking my heart to see my daughters realize the depths of evil their mother is capable of.  My daughters (I have 2) and I are very close. 

I adopted 2 boys from her previous marriage who are now grown.  One is a diagnosed BPD who caused mass chaos in our home as he grew up.  All well documented.  Bi-polar and alcoholism runs on her side of the family. 

This is so hard to deal with.  I'm quickly running out of money to fund my fight.  UBPDw earns 5 times the $$ annually in comparison to my wages.  I was the caregiver to our kids thru the years so my career has suffered the consequences.

[ForeverDad]

Good that you have a witness who, though family, is an adult.  I'm pondering whether she could stand up in court and testify what really happened.  There is real risk that she could cave under pressure from mother, pressure such as "how could you make me look bad" to extremes such as "I will disown you and never speak to you if you make a statement in court".

I'm wondering if you could weaken any possible change of story by the time the court date arrives.  Could your lawyer ask your daughter to come in and be deposed.  That recorded or transcribed testimony would carry more weight than any letter she writes should it be contested or denied.

Since there is a case pending, odds are it will be 'continued' to another date , perhaps more than once.  Be fully aware that the DA or ADA will try to get you to agree to a plea deal, which would mean admitting some level of Guilt.  Courts love plea deals, the 'perp' get at least a little punishment without making the court have a trial.  My point is that if you are innocent — and not a perp — then even a small plea deal such as for Anger Management would still cast you as having some level of guilt that would haunt you personally and professionally for a long, long time.

It's possible she may withdraw her complaint, triggering a likely dismissal of charges.  What then?  She had you jailed and then at the metaphorical last moment she may let you off the hook?  What would your lawyer advise?  Be prepared even if it is unlikely.  After all, if it is simply dropped then what about all that time in jail where you were cast as a menace?

Whatever happens, she may try to use this in the divorce case, aiming to make you look worse than her.  With the children grown, there are no custody or parenting schedule issues.  All that remains is her public face and financial (asset & debt) issues.

On the other hand, filing for divorce documents to all that you no longer want to have a relationship with your spouse.  (Be sure you never say you want her back, that could make some wonder whether you want her under your Control, um, as the poor weak helpless female victim of the big bad menacing bad male abuser.  My ex's lawyer tried that approach but I didn't bite.)

[Lastbreath]

FD... .thank you.  All good points and one's I have certainly considered. 

If she drops charges at last minute, great.  But there will be no reconciliation of our r/t.  I do not want this woman back in my life.  There are no words she could offer that would make me consider for a single second to put myself back into a r/t with her.

My d is okay with making statements in court, as she is appalled with her mother for making the false claim and for sticking to it.  She has spoken to both my criminal and divorce attorneys.  I hate that she's in this situation but in her words "You didn't put me in this situation, mom did."  She has stated she is just doing what she feels is right.  UBPDw has threatened to stop monetary support, take cel phone, and has also kicked D out of our marital home since which attorneys are aware of.

I plan to go after her civilly in court following the resolution of this mess.  I am upset that women are given so much power with this type of thing.  I mean I truly understand that protection is a must for those that are truly victims and empathize with how scary that must be but for those vindictive, cruel, angry spouses who wish to abuse this system for financial gain and for their own source of inflicting punishment on a s/o there needs to be checks and balances.  I am so sick of being treated like I am a monster when I have done none of what I am accused of.  It's certainly hard to deal with all the frustration this creates.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I am trying to understand your position.  I think that like you, I believe that I am held in check because of what my wife would do in retaliation (she's already brainwashed and alienated one daughter). But, to put myself in your position, I would be so enraged (as in a righteous anger) - and yet feel the same sort of powerlessness you describe.  I have read around here enough to not expect much justice, or discipline against the false charges put forth by your wife. I am really sorry you have to go through this. 
I agree with the above advice to make sure you read Splitting.  I have read it twice now and it's a good reality check. Things should get better.  We can hope that your wife's accusations don't stand in court - and she realizes this and drops charges.  I hope it's a bluff or sorts.