Is this what I want my life to be?

[MyLifeIsNow]

My wife is diagnosed BPD. I have been in therapy for three years now and life is much, much better now. I have learned to feel my feelings and I'm learning to respect my needs.

I have waffled back and forth between leaving and staying in this marriage and finally decided that as long as things are improving, I want to stay.

My wife has started going to therapy herself. She has made significant improvements.

Great, right?

Except... .

Every time BPD raises its ugly head (as it did tonight) I ask myself if I really want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don't.

And I don't want to sleep with her. Once in a BPD rage, she accused me of raping her. I was horrified. I brought it up later in therapy and she didn't even remember it. I just can't seem to get over that sick feeling I had when she accused me. She said she was going to go to the police. It was so awful. I look into the future and can't see ever wanting to have sex with her again.

I have been afraid to display a photo of my granddaughter that was given to me a few weeks ago. Tonight I decided that I was going to. I put the photo in a frame, along with a photo of her daughter's boyfriend's daughter, and put them in the living room. She had a fit upon seeing them and immediately removed them. She said this is her house too and she doesn't want photos. It's not her house "too," it's "her house period."

Therapy has helped me identify what I want and need. It's not this. Now what?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on the progress, it's impressive that you have managed that, but I'm sorry that you are not feeling like things are workable now.

Can you give us a little more detail on what's happened in the last three years?  Have you had times where you felt fulfilled and happy?  Can you describe the timing around your recent change of heart?  When did the rape accusation happen?  When did the picture incident happen?  Are there any other stressful events that have tipped things for you recently?

RC

[MyLifeIsNow]

Thanks for the reply, Radcliff. 

A lot has happened over the last three years. I took a job in another city and lived there during the week and went home on the weekends for almost two years. It gave me a good opportunity to get some space and clear my head. It was the first time in my life I have ever lived alone. It was good for me. I could see what it would be like, taught me that I could do it and enjoy it. It also helped me realize I love her and want to be with her. Well, the non-BPD part of her. I now live back home full time.

I can't handle the BPD part. I have had it with the turmoil. I want peace. I want respect. I realize that relationships all come with some level of conflict and I'm not afraid of that, but I can't handle being screamed at, bossed around, knocked down, told to get out of my own house, and threatened with lies about what I have done to her, followed by a long lecture about how wonderful she is and all the ways she's sacrificed for me.

As I said earlier, she has improved, but she still flies off the handle unexpectedly at times when I do certain things that aren't pre-approved, like buying a small toy for my dog, or bringing home and displaying a photo of my granddaughter. She tries to throw the blame on me by saying that we agreed to collaborate on things. Where we go on vacation? Sure. the purchase of new sofa? Of course. Changing jobs? Absolutely. But c'mon - a little dog toy? I must "collaborate" (get permission) on everything? She never asks me about her purchases, and I believe we each have the right to do normal things without asking permission of the other.

Wow, look at me justify, defend, and explain.  Maybe I haven't come as far as I think I have.

I have tried hard to forgive her and move on, and really think I have at times, but the resentment comes rushing back when she dysregulates like this. I HATE the dysregulated version of her. The Mr. Hyde version of her. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT WOMAN. How can I reconcile that with the love I have for the "other" her?

[Bnonymous]

I have tried hard to forgive her and move on, and really think I have at times, but the resentment comes rushing back when she dysregulates like this. I HATE the dysregulated version of her. The Mr. Hyde version of her. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT WOMAN. How can I reconcile that with the love I have for the "other" her?

Hi MyLifeisNow,

I don't know the answer to your question, but I think it is absolutely the right question to be asking.

Nons can find themselves "catching" some BPD behaviours and attitudes after a while of being immersed in them. Do you think that you are starting to "split" your wife?

Can you find threads or narratives that link her different personalities? Are there things that her different personalities both share?

Do you want to find ways of integrating your thoughts and feelings about one side of her with your thoughts and feelings about her other side - do you think that might help? Or was your question more rhetorical - do you feel that you will never be able to reconcile some of her behaviours and words with the person you love? If the latter, what would that mean to you?

[Radcliff]

That is quite an unusual story, to have gotten space like that for two years, but remained connected on the weekends, and to be able to do some growing on your own while still in the marriage.  When you moved back, it must have been a big adjustment.  How did that go?  An area I'm particularly curious about is boundaries.  Once you were back in the house did she start to run all over you again, or were you able to establish and maintain some boundaries better than you could before you left?

RC

[MyLifeIsNow]

Congratulations on the progress, it's impressive that you have managed that, but I'm sorry that you are not feeling like things are workable now.

Can you give us a little more detail on what's happened in the last three years?  Have you had times where you felt fulfilled and happy?  Can you describe the timing around your recent change of heart?  When did the rape accusation happen?  When did the picture incident happen?  Are there any other stressful events that have tipped things for you recently?

RC

I just realized I went off on a tangent and didn't answer your questions.

Yes, I have had times where I felt fulfilled and happy. But when she screams at me, it shakes me out of my lovely dream that everything is okay and that we've worked things out. It makes me realize that this relationship is seriously bad.

The picture incident happened last night. The rape accusation happened about a year ago.

I have been hiding little purchases because I don't want to deal with the drama or snarky comments when she seems them. I know this isn't healthy behavior but I am just not up for dealing with her reactions. I have a few picture frames and a toy for the grandkids that I haven't had the nerve to take out of my car for over a week now.

I know it's unhealthy but I try to keep my emotions flat so that she won't make comments that hurt/ infuriate me. For example, I was in a great mood a couple of days ago, and she frowned and said: "Are you MANIC?" She said it because I was listening to some upbeat music and moving with the rhythm while cooking dinner. She had to knock down my good mood, and I acknowledge that I let her do it. I could have reacted differently. I know that good boundaries help, but I'm sick to death of guarding my boundaries every second. I just want to live a happy life and be myself.

[MyLifeIsNow]

That is quite an unusual story, to have gotten space like that for two years, but remained connected on the weekends, and to be able to do some growing on your own while still in the marriage.  When you moved back, it must have been a big adjustment.  How did that go?  An area I'm particularly curious about is boundaries.  Once you were back in the house did she start to run all over you again, or were you able to establish and maintain some boundaries better than you could before you left?

RC

Moving back was a huge adjustment. We did a lot of couples therapy sessions before and after. It was bumpy but definitely better than where we were a few years ago. She did start trying to run over me again, and I was good about boundaries. I could see the violations more clearly than before and didn't let the line budge. I was on guard all the time. The thing is, she is just so dang smart (seriously, she has a genius IQ) and she can be very manipulative. I'm smart too, but not like her. She's smart and strategic. I'm not so much. And I don't want to have to be that way to maintain a relationship. I'd like to be able to relax around the people I love. I feel so uneasy around her with my guard is up. But when I let it down and feel comfortable, BAM!

I think that's the root of it. I just don't want to live this way anymore. I think I deserve to feel comfortable about the people I love. It's what I want. Maybe I'm just starting to accept that it's not possible to feel comfortable and secure with her and it makes me sad. Then I wonder if I'm just giving up because I'm selfish or in denial of my own issues. Is a healthy relationship even an option for me? I've never had one so maybe not. Maybe this is as good as it gets.  :-(

[MyLifeIsNow]

Hi MyLifeisNow,

I don't know the answer to your question, but I think it is absolutely the right question to be asking.

Nons can find themselves "catching" some BPD behaviours and attitudes after a while of being immersed in them. Do you think that you are starting to "split" your wife?

Can you find threads or narratives that link her different personalities? Are there things that her different personalities both share?

Do you want to find ways of integrating your thoughts and feelings about one side of her with your thoughts and feelings about her other side - do you think that might help? Or was your question more rhetorical - do you feel that you will never be able to reconcile some of her behaviours and words with the person you love? If the latter, what would that mean to you?

I wonder if I'm doing that - starting to "split" my wife. I don't really know how to tell. She clearly changes abruptly when she's triggered. My therapist has seen it happen more than once. My wife will get a far-off look, then she licks her lips, says she's feeling uncomfortable, then she goes into a rage and there is no reasoning with her after that. She says things that make no sense - like people are trying to steal her soul. It's so unnerving. My therapist has quickly ended sessions and almost ran out of the office before when it's happened. It's creepy. It's really like another person takes over. Is that my splitting her? Hmm. I don't think so. I think I'm just trying to describe her behavior that is really difficult to understand and deal with. I'm open to considering other ideas. What are your thoughts?

[Bnonymous]

Yeah, that's hard. And I understand how nigh-on impossible it can be to hold a stable and integrated picture of someone whose personality is not stable or integrated. I think it's likely that what you and the therapist are witnessing ("it's really like another person takes over") is what your wife is experiencing. In that sense, it is coming from her, not from you.

My boyfriend has abrupt and near-total personality changes too, to the point where he'd speak of "the other me" and "him" when talking about things he'd said, done and felt while seriously dysregulated or paranoid. I found it was easy/natural to go along with this and I, too, started to think of "that other person" etc. But then I caught myself doing it and I realised that it wasn't helpful for either of us, that I was starting to see him as he saw himself, i.e. as more than one person. And I realised that I was kind of inadvertently supporting/confirming his dissociation and fractured, unstable sense of self, which I didn't want to do.

I have now found that, the more I develop an integrated view of him, the easier it seems for him to slowly begin to integrate his view of himself - in fact, I don't think I have heard either of us refer to his nastier side as "him" or "that other person" or similar for quite a while. Trying to integrate my view of him also means that I'm less shocked and frightened by the character changes because it now feels more like looking at the same scene from a different angle than having been split-second teleported to a whole different country (like it used to feel).

One thing that can really hurt and mess with our heads is the thought "How can this wonderful, amazing, caring, beautiful human-being who I love and who loves me do THIS? How can THEY treat me like that?" That thought can be excruciating and one way of defending ourselves from that pain is to decide they didn't; that other person did. But then we can end up feeling like you described, utterly torn because we love this person and want to be with them, but we loathe that person and don't want to be with them.

It sounds as though you're feeling that way now - is that right?

 

[MyLifeIsNow]

Thanks, Bnonymous. I love my wife dearly but I can't stand the BPD outbursts. In the past, it was hard to wrap my brain around the fact that the person who is usually very loving to me can also be so cruel to me. Now I have a pretty good understanding of why she is like this. I have learned about BPD. I have learned a lot about my own reactions by going to therapy. I try to be understanding and to react in constructive ways. But I have my own issues, and I'm at the end of my rope. I have lost my stamina. I can't fix her. All I can do is look at how she is right now and decide if I want this life or if I don't.

[once removed]

hi MLIN,

whats your wifes beef with the picture of your granddaughter?

[SherlockTheDog]

I really don’t know as much about BPD as some other experts on here, but I’ve gone through very similar things.

What it sounds like you’re doing, which is what I feel like I’ve been doing, is putting her BPD above your thoughts and feelings for fear of that nuclear explosion. In a way in my experience I felt like I was sacrificing my feelings and essentially my dignity just giving in and tryin not to upset the beast. And then the resentment just built. And now to the point that I feel like I’ve been enabling and really dislike that aspect of myself as being a codependent.

I often think about the “BPD” side of her and separating it from who she is underneath that, but I think there is no separating it. It’s always how that person behaves, it’s just the good side is soo good that it seems like the bad side is hidden, but it’s the extremes on both ends that seem to really show that this is integrated entirely in their personality and “separating” it mentally seems more like a codependent justification for continuing to enable. Not accusing, that’s how I feel like it’s what I’m doing

[Panshekay]

One of the hardest parts of this is how far they will go to hurt us. The lies, threats and manipulation makes it so we can’t trust or let our guard down. They stop at nothing, you think “how can this person who I love treat me this way.”  In the beginning we think it’s us, we think if we do this or dont do that it will go back to how it was in the beginning, but it can’t.  It’s not us. This is a hellish journey, it takes time to process our feelings and yes, I think many of us become codependent.  Our X DIL nearly destroyed our S career and had everyone convinced he was  molesting his young S. She did everything she could to destroy him and nearly succeeded.  It sounds like you know what you want and what you don’t want. Once they start making threats that can send a person to jail or make them lose their job is a deal breaker.  Of course we all have our own timing, it sounds like you have a good counselor and your thoughts are clear. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.