Desperately Seeking Susan, BPD Style

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex is uBPD, though is clinically diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. I filled in the blanks for what she once termed as her "sickness" and "i think i might have some type of attachment disorder."

Recently she's been saying that she's getting into meditation (again), and that she's teaching it to the kids. I didn't comment. 

3 weeks ago,  when she had me cornered in the car,  she asked me why I never wanted to marry her (not true) and annoyed,  I said,  "you would have done the same thing," to which she replied,  "you're always so negative!"

A week later I got the late night email.  Basically, "it really hurt me what you said about always knowing that I would cheat on you." Not what I said and it never crossed my mind that she would being so anti-cheater because of her dad's long history of it with who knows how many women and also that she hinted that I would cheat on her "being a man."

Then she apologized again for hurting me (I got a lot more than a lot of members here)  and said that she hadn't cheated on her current husband (? He never crossed my mind). I was tempted to respond,  but sat on it overnight.  By then,  the desire to respond passed.

On thanksgiving,  she was very sick,  like the kids,  but I had them. She was sick enough not to show up to her family's house for thanksgiving dinner.  I offered to bring her food after dinner.  She demurred.  I said that it wasn't a problem and she said that her husband was there with her and that he might drop by later to get food.  I still would have brought her food,  but I understood.  When I saw him briefly last summer,  he basically ran from me.  I said hi,  he took off when I went into her condo to get the kids' stuff. Even she said,  "where's H?" Am I really that scary?

Today S8 wanted to go out to lunch. This ties back to the meditation. When she was leaving,  she was flirting with Buddhism and going to temple with a Vietnamese friend.  I didn't judge at all,  whatever helps her. 

With her bf then husband,  she became a Christian.  He was the Super Christian. They went to the local Mega-Church, seeker-friendly and Prosperity Gospel. That fits their personalities. She still brings the kids to my church which is more bare bones. Part of today's sermon was about how wrong a path prosperity was and that as Christians, expect to suffer like anybody else. 

At lunch, she started telling me about this great book,  gushing about it.  I won't link it,  but it's Many Lives, Many Masters. She thinks that she's reincarnated.  So much for Christianity. 

She was telling me,  much like the patient in the book told her therapist (the author), that she had memories which didn't fit her early childhood and that she'd recently been asking her mom about things.   I thought,  "MPD or DID." I looked up the reviews later and the patient was also the victim of early childhood sexual abuse. Here I'll say that while I saw dissociation,  I don't think she's MPD or DID. For three months,  however,  it was like living with a 14 year old version of her until she returned to baseline.

So what did I do? I just listened.  "Do no harm" nor seek it out.  Even if the kids weren't at the table,  I wouldn't have said much.  The only thing I did ask was "Do you feel like you're someone else?" To which she responded,  "no, it's not that,  but just some memories... ." and I didn't inquire further. 

I'll keep my side of the fence, but watch the kids closely. 

[Turkish]

My ex is uBPD, though is clinically diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. I filled in the blanks for what she once termed as her "sickness" and "i think i might have some type of attachment disorder."

Recently she's been saying that she's getting into meditation (again), and that she's teaching it to the kids. I didn't comment. 

3 weeks ago,  when she had me cornered in the car,  she asked me why I never wanted to marry her (not true) and annoyed,  I said,  "you would have done the same thing," to which she replied,  "you're always so negative!"

A week later I got the late night email.  Basically, "it really hurt me what you said about always knowing that I would cheat on you." Not what I said and it never crossed my mind that she would being so anti-cheater because of her dad's long history of it with who knows how many women and also that she hinted that I would cheat on her "being a man."

Then she apologized again for hurting me (I got a lot more than a lot of members here)  and said that she hadn't cheated on her current husband (? He never crossed my mind). I was tempted to respond,  but sat on it overnight.  By then,  the desire to respond passed.

On thanksgiving,  she was very sick,  like the kids,  but I had them. She was sick enough not to show up to her family's house for thanksgiving dinner.  I offered to bring her food after dinner.  She demurred.  I said that it wasn't a problem and she said that her husband was there with her and that he might drop by later to get food.  I still would have brought her food,  but I understood.  When I saw him briefly last summer,  he basically ran from me.  I said hi,  he took off when I went into her condo to get the kids' stuff. Even she said,  "where's H?" Am I really that scary?

Today S8 wanted to go out to lunch. This ties back to the meditation. When she was leaving,  she was flirting with Buddhism and going to temple with a Vietnamese friend.  I didn't judge at all,  whatever helps her. 

With her bf then husband,  she became a Christian.  He was the Super Christian. They went to the local Mega-Church, seeker-friendly and Prosperity Gospel. That fits their personalities. She still brings the kids to my church which is more bare bones. Part of today's sermon was about how wrong a path prosperity was and that as Christians, expect to suffer like anybody else. 

At lunch, she started telling me about this great book,  gushing about it.  I won't link it,  but it's Many Lives, Many Masters. She thinks that she's reincarnated.  So much for Christianity. 

She was telling me,  much like the patient in the book told her therapist (the author), that she had memories which didn't fit her early childhood and that she'd recently been asking her mom about things.   I thought,  "MPD or DID." I looked up the reviews later and the patient was also the victim of early childhood sexual abuse. Here I'll say that while I saw dissociation,  I don't think she's MPD or DID. For three months,  however,  it was like living with a 14 year old version of her until she returned to baseline.

So what did I do? I just listened.  "Do no harm" nor seek it out.  Even if the kids weren't at the table,  I wouldn't have said much.  The only thing I did ask was "Do you feel like you're someone else?" To which she responded,  "no, it's not that,  but just some memories... ." and I didn't inquire further. 

I'll keep my side of the fence, but watch the kids closely. 

[Notwendy]

Sounds like someone with a poor sense of self- and you already knew that. With her Christian boyfriend/husband, she took on his beliefs- maybe part mirroring, part wanting to share that aspect of him. Now she's exploring something else.

As far as the kids are concerned, they will learn from both parents and inevitably explore their own beliefs. They may ask you questions about things their mother says and then you can discuss that there are different religions and tell them about some of them. I'm sure by now your kids have met other people who follow different religions. I think it would only become an issue if their mother began to actively recruit them into something you don't want for them, but still as your father you have considerable influence with them.

I don't know what your feelings are about Christianity and salvation or what the kids have been taught about this, but I would be alert for any fears about their mother, and reassure them that their mother isn't a bad person for looking at something different or that she would not go to Heaven one day. Whatever your beliefs are, I don't think it would be good for the children to fear for their mother or fear she was doing something bad. It would also get you into triangulation. I know everyone has different beliefs about things, but the idea that there are different religions and their mom is learning about them would keep fear/triangulation out of this.

[Insom]

Hi, Turkish.  I'm with  Notwendy that this sounds like a poor sense of self.

What are your feelings about all this?

[Turkish]

My buddy became a Christian after his divorce.  Their then boys, around the same age as my kids, told mom that if she didn't believe in God and jesus that she was going to hell. Needless to say, my friend got a call... .

I'm a Christian (protestant). My ex was born RCC, but no one in her family goes to church except for baptisms.  I'm not in a position to judge someone's salvation and there are plenty who go to even evangelical churches who hold syncretic or divergent beliefs. 

I read some more reviews of the book and apparently the patient was channeling spirit masters in addition to recalling past lives.  That crosses the line into the occult, especially from a Christian perspective. 

I'm not interested in engaging my ex in conversation about this but I will the kids if things come up.  I can be Socratic about it. 

[empath]

Kids who are that age can be pretty blunt and black and white in their thinking. I remember when my son was that age, he said something at school during their religion studies. I got a call from his teacher... . 

My h was also drawn to Buddhism because of the meditation practice; he said it helped him manage his emotions and anxiety better. He still goes to his church even though he blames church/ God/ Christianity for not "fixing" me.

From a Christian perspective, the occult might be very concerning as well.

Which parts are concerning for you as a parent?

[Turkish]

When I was an early to mid teen, my friends mom was very new she.  I remember her being excited about harmonic convergence (1987?). She said she loved to talk to me because I knew about all of that sh... .she thought she used to be a Tibetan Lama in a past life, though it was odd that she didn't know what or Llasa Apsos were or that they were the inner temple guard dogs.  At least she reads consistent.

My ex, not so much, who seems to latch onto whatever makes her feel better at the moment.  At this point, I think that our kids have pretty good senses of who they are.  That she's getting the kids into meditating? I handle them fine, and she's gotten better with them but she seems to identify problems where there aren't.  Like with me. I regifted the self help book she gave me two christmases ago. 

[JNChell]

Turkish, values. Virtues and compatibility. Those have to do with you. How well do they match up? I understand the feelings. It’s ok, but come on man. Get out of there. I really hope im not causing hurt, but you gotta go, bro. . You have over 10,000 posts here. You help people in ways that you won’t help yourself. What is the final nudge? You’re a man. Men desire women. Cut it loose.

[JNChell]

My ex is clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She’s also a cutter, pathological liar, cheater, has trouble with her identity, has an insane amount of entitlement. Has a past of unstable relationships. I had a child with her. You have children with your’s. I get the kids, but stop wrapping up with this woman if you want to let her go. You owe yourself that. She’s not your mother and you will never please her. Values and virtues.

[JNChell]

I know that it’s hard to let go when kids are involved. Real men want their families to make it. Your health matters. Your individual needs being met matter. Turkish, you’ve gotta choose. You want her or you don’t. I’m not saying make a choice. I’m saying decide for yourself. Let her go and live, or stay.