we're back together, i feel somewhat ambivalent

[eeps]

hi everyone. i broke up with my uBPDbf in july, and went NC for about a month from the end of august until the end of september when we started seeing each other again. basically, he was out of town for a couple weeks in september, and when he returned, he was trying every means to get in touch with me (he moved out, but only 5 blocks away) i knew i would eventually run into him, so i tried to change my perspective and accept that i'd rather see him in a "good" way rather than have it be traumatic. i had a small art opening at the end of september and i knew he would come (he told me in no uncertain terms that he was coming) so i tried to just accept that and even welcome it. when i saw him there i was very nervous, and uncertain... .it was hard to know how to handle it all, and there were other people around and other friends... .so i just tried to keep it all together. he and i went for a bite to eat afterwards, and i sort of unleashed a lot of anger. about his past cheating mostly, but i think also, i felt bullied into seeing him when i wasn't sure i was ready to.
he was surprisingly receptive to my anger and listened and hung in there. he even deleted social media contacts with women that he had inappropriate relationships with (right there in front of me!) when i stated that that was something i'm no longer willing to accept. (i had brought this up in the past, but not as strongly, and he always gave me lame excuses as to why he remained friends/following these women)
i was really surprised that he was willing and able to listen to my concerns, and that is a big reason why i'm venturing into dating him again. but i'm still feeling somewhat ambivalent. i am concerned that our reunion is premature, i'm concerned that all of our old problems are still there. i'm concerned that i'm not yet strong enough to practice all of the tools when we argue. i'm concerned that i still have a lot of hurt and anger about all the terrible things that have happened, with no clear way to get my needs met in this relationship.
it has been about a month of seeing each other. we are definitely giving each other way more space than before. i am so happy he is living somewhere else, and i think that is making him realize that he has to take care of himself. i can tell he is trying to have better listening skills. i'm trying to just take it slow and easy. and trying to not take instances of him dysregulating personally.
i'm also concerned that he immediately stopped seeing his therapist (who was our couples counselor) as soon as we started seeing each other again. i think in his mind, his problem was solved as soon as he got me back.
any tips for how i can encourage him to continue therapy?

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[Radcliff]

That's a very good thing that you're living apart for now.  That allows you to control the pace of things and get your space to think clearly.  As for encouraging him to go to counseling, that's a tough one.  The only person whose actions we can control is ourselves.  In a calm time, have you asked him about his feelings about therapy?  Perhaps a first conversation where you're just listening, not advancing an opinion at all, then letting it sit a while might be a start.

It sounds like you're aware of tools like boundaries but are nervous about being able to maintain them in the unpredictable real situations that will come up.  Have you identified some boundaries you hope to maintain?

RC

[Bnonymous]

Hi eeps,

I'm glad things seem to be working better for you now. I think having your own space by living apart is likely to help hugely.

I identified with where you said that you accepted you'd see him and would rather it were in a good way than traumatic. I think this kind of thing can leave us feeling that we're not quite as free as we'd like to be - it can be hard to know for sure what we want if we feel at all railroaded into contact. Do you think this could this be a factor in your ambivalence about your reunion?

[eeps]

it can be hard to know for sure what we want if we feel at all railroaded into contact. Do you think this could this be a factor in your ambivalence about your reunion?

yes, Bnonymous, i do think that plays a big part in my ambivalence. and i understand that i played a part in letting myself be forced into contact, so i'm trying to come to terms with all the complexity involved. it's difficult. i'm still working on defining my boundaries for myself, let alone try to then communicate them with him.

and Radcliff, i am nervous about being able to maintain my boundaries and use the tools well. i tend to be very logic/rational minded during confrontations, and it's hard not to JADE.

[once removed]

i am concerned that our reunion is premature, i'm concerned that all of our old problems are still there.

certainly, this is a risk. are the two of you "official" and all that comes with it, or are there conditions on the relationship?

do you think the two of you at least agree on what the problems are, or do you see them differently, and if so, how?

you mentioned inappropriate relationships on his end. did he cheat? do you have hurt/resentment?

[Bnonymous]

Yeah, I relate to that. How are things going now?

[eeps]

hi once removed and Bnoymous, thanks for your comments.
yes, i suppose we are "official" in that, we're not seeing other people. that would just be disastrous, he can be extremely jealous, and has often accused me of continuing relationships with people i dated before him. (which i haven't done.) and yes, he cheated on me a couple times while he was on tour with his band. and that has upset me more than i realized at the time.
i've been seeing a therapist since May, and i think one of the biggest changes i'm seeing in myself is that i'm learning how to feel my feelings. and express them, rather than stuffing them deep down. since getting back together with my uBPDbf, i've had a couple instances where i've become really emotionally triggered and upset and it's come out in ways i'm not fully in control of.
the other night he was putting the moves on me and i was extremely exhausted, and when he started to be disappointed by my refusal, i got very upset and got out of bed, got dressed and stormed out of his house. (this is not a normal response for me, but i know i was triggered by just thinking about how he would pout and act very childish any time i would refuse sex in the past. and how it leaves me feeling completely disrespected.) this resulted in him chasing me down the street and a bunch of dumb arguing, me saying it was over and that he was so selfish, i was definitely over doing it. ultimately, he spit on me, i went home, turned off my phone, and woke up to 68 texts and 6 missed calls from him.
we talked it over the next day and heard each other out. i apologized for over-reacting and trying to end things, but also expressed that spitting on me is completely unacceptable. he agreed and told me that he reached out to his therapist because he was ashamed about doing that.
i guess i'm learning how to feel my feelings, but right now it's coming out in chaotic ways that i'm not comfortable with. but part of me is proud of having feelings at all, so i'm gonna try to not be too hard on myself as i learn to express my feelings in healthier ways.
the chaos of this relationship is really hard for me sometimes. but i've also been able to depersonalize some of the instances of him dysregulating. instead of feeling attacked, just listen and validate his feeling and wait things out until he gets balanced again.
not living together is helping SO MUCH. i don't feel nearly as trapped as i did before. it's so much clearer that i have a choice, and for whatever complicated reasons that i'm not even clear on yet, i AM choosing to be with him.

[Bnonymous]

Hi eeps,

That's great about getting in touch with your feelings. I think you're very sensible to not be too hard on yourself for how they come out at the moment, but just celebrate that they're coming out at all - it sounds like real progress and you sound very positive about it - that's good to hear.

I'm really glad that you feel you have space and choice now. You generally sound much more upbeat, despite the difficulties and the horrible incident of him spitting on you (ugh! - I'm glad he recognised how wrong that was and reached out to his therapist about it). I'm pleased to hear you sounding so positive.

[once removed]

its hard (to put it mildly) to (re)build trust after cheating. the person who did it really has to own it, and take active steps, and still, really none of that can take the hurt away.

it sounds like everything feels pretty intense, but that the two of you are catching yourselves, wanting, and making some effort to do things differently.

one thing id offer, is validation rarely helps when someone is dysregulated. it can help the person feel like someone is "down in it" and there with them if we are sincere, and if we arent being invalidating, it can help keep things from escalating, but, and it sounds like you get this, it wont necessarily help them snap out of it so to speak. there arent a lot of good ways to end dysregulation, but there are lots of ways to weather the storm, and in times of calm, you really can get through to a person in terms of the limits they will go to when dysregulating.

[eeps]

i wanted to respond to you, once removed, i missed your last comment until just now.
i appreciate your thoughts about validation while someone is dysregulated. i'm getting better at letting him just rant away, sending me a ton of texts messages accusing me of all kinds of nonsense. i know i can't snap him out of it, i just wish it didn't ruin my day as well. i've spent more hours than i'd like to admit to just lying in my bed feeling confused and depressed about the emotional drain.

things really do still feel pretty intense and i still have a lot of pent up emotions.
he never followed through with his therapist after the night he spit on me. i'm wary of bringing that up, but him being in therapy is starting to feel like something i need in order to continue.
i'm beginning to feel numb. i think i'm heading straight towards the conflicted/tolerating board!

[once removed]

i'm beginning to feel numb. i think i'm heading straight towards the conflicted/tolerating board!

just a heads up... .

the Conflicted/Just Tolerating it board is more for partners who have been together a very long time, who have made/seen all the use with the tools that they are going to (or dont want to use tools), with no room for improvement, and are primarily coping/venting.

its really a last resort. you dont have to be fully committed to the relationship to post on this board if you are trying to improve either your outcome, or that of the relationship.