Being Gaslit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

When I first posted, I had been debating whether or not to break up with my GF who has BPD. I ultimately decided to end it, and what's happened since has been psychology has been slightly sanity-questioning.

She would ask me a favor, and after declining she'd say "Why can't you do that one thing for me?" And just try to keep breaking me down to do it. One was helping her pack bc it was too difficult for her, which I said no, and after which she was able to pack her stuff . Keep in mind, every time she asks me for a favor and I decline it's always "Why can't you do this ONE thing for me?" It's like, how many ONE things are you going to ask me to do?

She asked to take the comforter, and I said No bc they're mine, and she goes "Why are you being so rude? Why do you have such an attitude?"  I'm like "You can't expect people to be nice when you're not nice to them" "I didn't do anything to you!"

She has been calling me names like "Dummy" and I said "Do not call me Dummy" "Ok Dummy" then she asks why I'm upset, and I tell her it's bc she's calling me names and being really disrespectful. "You're still upset about that? Well you can't take everything so personal. You're too sensitive. You need to let things go"

Last night and this morning, everything I do or have or own is now stupid. "I don't think anyone wants your bed it's really ugly" so I said "Ok well im not sure what you're trying to do by saying my bed is ugly I couldn't care less" and she goes "Im not doing anything, it's just an ugly bed" Then later "Your terrible candle needs to be put out" and this morning "Can you turn off your music, it's terrible"

Then she asks why I'm upset "You literally are saying everything I have own or do is terrible" and she replies "Im not mean, you look too deep into things too much"

Last night she goes "Now I know who you are. You treat woman like sh*t."
 Like, where did that come from? I've treated her like a queen for the past 2 years! And now all of a sudden, I treat woman like sh*t. I can't IMAGINE the things she must be telling people about me.

Then this morning she goes "Can you do me a favor? Can you give your coworker Brandon (gay guy) my phone number? He'd be a great friend" and I'm like "That's absolutely inappropriate. I'm not giving him your number" "Why? Why can't you do this for me?" "It's weird and inappropriate" "How is it inappropriate? He'd be a good friend" so I just stopped responding and then I hear "What's up your ass today?"

So from the past weeks conversations I'm: too sensitive, mean for no reason, not nice, I have terrible taste, treat woman like  sh*t, unhelpful, and don't let things go.

I'm able to realize it's all her crazy demented reality, but there is no communicating with her in any way that would help her understand the situation.

When I first met her, she told me how terrible all her Ex's were - And at the time I said to myself "That's a red flag... .But Im really drawn to her, and she seems believable" and I ignored it.

It's just frustrating and difficult.

[SherlockTheDog]

Hi all,

When I first posted, I had been debating whether or not to break up with my GF who has BPD. I ultimately decided to end it, and what's happened since has been psychology has been slightly sanity-questioning.

She would ask me a favor, and after declining she'd say "Why can't you do that one thing for me?" And just try to keep breaking me down to do it. One was helping her pack bc it was too difficult for her, which I said no, and after which she was able to pack her stuff . Keep in mind, every time she asks me for a favor and I decline it's always "Why can't you do this ONE thing for me?" It's like, how many ONE things are you going to ask me to do?

She asked to take the comforter, and I said No bc they're mine, and she goes "Why are you being so rude? Why do you have such an attitude?"  I'm like "You can't expect people to be nice when you're not nice to them" "I didn't do anything to you!"

She has been calling me names like "Dummy" and I said "Do not call me Dummy" "Ok Dummy" then she asks why I'm upset, and I tell her it's bc she's calling me names and being really disrespectful. "You're still upset about that? Well you can't take everything so personal. You're too sensitive. You need to let things go"

Last night and this morning, everything I do or have or own is now stupid. "I don't think anyone wants your bed it's really ugly" so I said "Ok well im not sure what you're trying to do by saying my bed is ugly I couldn't care less" and she goes "Im not doing anything, it's just an ugly bed" Then later "Your terrible candle needs to be put out" and this morning "Can you turn off your music, it's terrible"

Then she asks why I'm upset "You literally are saying everything I have own or do is terrible" and she replies "Im not mean, you look too deep into things too much"

Last night she goes "Now I know who you are. You treat woman like sh*t."
 Like, where did that come from? I've treated her like a queen for the past 2 years! And now all of a sudden, I treat woman like sh*t. I can't IMAGINE the things she must be telling people about me.

Then this morning she goes "Can you do me a favor? Can you give your coworker Brandon (gay guy) my phone number? He'd be a great friend" and I'm like "That's absolutely inappropriate. I'm not giving him your number" "Why? Why can't you do this for me?" "It's weird and inappropriate" "How is it inappropriate? He'd be a good friend" so I just stopped responding and then I hear "What's up your ass today?"

So from the past weeks conversations I'm: too sensitive, mean for no reason, not nice, I have terrible taste, treat woman like  sh*t, unhelpful, and don't let things go.

I'm able to realize it's all her crazy demented reality, but there is no communicating with her in any way that would help her understand the situation.

When I first met her, she told me how terrible all her Ex's were - And at the time I said to myself "That's a red flag... .But Im really drawn to her, and she seems believable" and I ignored it.

It's just frustrating and difficult.

[Mustbeabetterway]

 :hi:Sherlock,

It sounds frustrating and difficult.  When people say hurtful things and then lay it on you as being too sensitive, that's a common abusive ploy.  My husband would do that, too.  As if no matter what is said you shouldn't take offense.  Healthier people realize when told that something is offensive or hurtful that they shouldn't say that thing again or maybe even apologize and be more careful in the future,

All of this back and forth - for example - your bedding is stupid, is just a sign of being stuck emotionally at a younger age.  My advice is don't get sucked into it.  Who cares?  You're broken up anyway.

So she's moving out?  How do you feel about it?

Take care.  Looking forward to hearing more about your situation.

Mustbeabetterway

[SherlockTheDog]

:hi:Sherlock,

It sounds frustrating and difficult.  When people say hurtful things and then lay it on you as being too sensitive, that's a common abusive ploy.  My husband would do that, too.  As if no matter what is said you shouldn't take offense.  Healthier people realize when told that something is offensive or hurtful that they shouldn't say that thing again or maybe even apologize and be more careful in the future,

All of this back and forth - for example - your bedding is stupid, is just a sign of being stuck emotionally at a younger age.  My advice is don't get sucked into it.  Who cares?  You're broken up anyway.

So she's moving out?  How do you feel about it?

Take care.  Looking forward to hearing more about your situation.

Mustbeabetterway

Thank you Mustbeabetterway. What you’re saying about your husband and how she behaves just like that reallly speaks to me. I think it’s not to much that I care, as much as sitting next to someone behaving like a 12 year old is soo annoying.

Yes. She’s moving out Dec 1st. I feel like the more she opens her mouth, the more I realize this is the best possible decision for me.

But for some strange reason, I’m worried about what fantasy she’s telling people about me. And how it’s so far from the truth. But why should I care? I guess I’ve appreciated what her family friends have done for me, and she’s probably going to make up something terrible to them about how I feel about them.

I’ve come to a point where I understand reality, and try as best as possible to not engage in her fantasy version of reality. But it’s tough when she’s in my ear. Dec 1 can’t come soon enough!

Happy thanksgiving!

[SlothMaiden]

Hi SherlockTheDog! 

Happy Thanksgiving! I know how you feel about the whole situation because I just encountered the same thing (and it's only on phone call) with my uBPDexbf. They will blame you for anything and everything and even make you question your own sanity! My uBPDexbf called me schizophrenic, crazy and being a bitch (and making fun about me crying) and accused me of distorting reality, similar to what your exgf did.

As Mustbeabetterway said, healthier people would know when it's offensive and will stop repeating. But these pwBPD will not stop. There's no way to communicate effectively anymore.

Also, your worry about what she would say about you is justified and not strange at all because you've had relationships with her friends/family too, it's natural for human to want to be in good term with people. But since pwBPD will distort reality to their own thoughts and now she's in hater phrase, so you will have to deal with the smearing campaign. If you still care about their outlook of you, then your action will speak louder than her words. People will find the discrepancies in her "facts" sooner or later. I myself don't care much because even though my ex introduced me to his mother, sister & best friend but I never met them IRL and I could care less what they think of me. However, it still hurts but you have to know that it's how pwBPD function and don't let their words get to you. You're the only one who can control your own reactions, and thus, happiness.

Since you've decided to detach from your relationship, I hope you will feel better about the whole thing eventually. I know it's difficult and frustrating so be mindful about everything.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, Sherlock,

When I said who cares, I only meant about if she doesn’t like your taste in bedding or music.  Of course, it’s natural that you would care about what her friends and family think of you.  I agree withSlothMaiden that your actions will speak for themselves. 

So you are still living together until December 1?  Are you taking care of yourself?  Keeping in touch with friends?

I’m glad you are reaching out.  We are a supportive community and here to help each other.

Happy thanksgiving! 

Mustbe

[SherlockTheDog]

People will find the discrepancies in her "facts" sooner or later.

It's funny you mention this. I've been thinking a lot about what she's told me had happened to her before we met, and how she has the craziest stories. And even my Sister today said that when she told her the story it sounded a little unrealistic, but we all believed it. And when I think back to that, or other things, there was a lot of self preservation she had to do to get through whatever she was facing, and her solution was to distort it by becoming the victim. It's sad. I love her. But I love me more than to be with her now.

Hi again, Sherlock,

When I said who cares, I only meant about if she doesn’t like your taste in bedding or music.  Of course, it’s natural that you would care about what her friends and family think of you.  I agree withSlothMaiden that your actions will speak for themselves. 

So you are still living together until December 1?  Are you taking care of yourself?  Keeping in touch with friends?

I’m glad you are reaching out.  We are a supportive community and here to help each other.

Happy thanksgiving! 

Mustbe

Ah ok yeah, I don't care about her not liking my stuff bc it's caddy and childish. But it was nice to be able to pick up on a specific pattern and tell her about it - Her reaction of course was it was my fault. She even accused me of not knowing how to even hang a shelf. And I immediately told her "I hung every shelf in this apartment!" and she goes "Yeah, except you can't hang a TV without hiring someone" and I go "I did hang the TV myself without hiring anyone!" and of course she quickly made the topic about something else. It's just like... .Girls losing it! ha

Yes we're still living together until Dec 1. I've yet to find anyone to rent the apartment, so i'll be here until then. It's hard to tell if we're on good terms bc every other day her attitude is different, but I'm for the most part being civil.

I started seeing a therapist again - I've been spending more time with my close friends and family. I have such a great family and support system that make this transition to my next chapter in life much easier.

Thank you both for the support! Hope you had great thanksgivings! Was actually the first time our family ate a meal without worrying about the Ex GF's dietary restrictions - Which was both weird bc we've been doing that for two years and my family has been very accommodating, but it also struck me as a memorable point that she's no longer apart of the family, and even though we all loved her, we've moved on - And that the people who love me have always been on my team at the end of the day.

[once removed]

Why are you being so rude? Why do you have such an attitude?"  I'm like "You can't expect people to be nice when you're not nice to them" "I didn't do anything to you!"
... .
She has been calling me names like "Dummy" and I said "Do not call me Dummy" "Ok Dummy" then she asks why I'm upset, and I tell her it's bc she's calling me names and being really disrespectful.
... .
Last night and this morning, everything I do or have or own is now stupid. "I don't think anyone wants your bed it's really ugly" so I said "Ok well im not sure what you're trying to do by saying my bed is ugly I couldn't care less"
... .
She even accused me of not knowing how to even hang a shelf. And I immediately told her "I hung every shelf in this apartment!" and she goes "Yeah, except you can't hang a TV without hiring someone" and I go "I did hang the TV myself without hiring anyone!"

I'm able to realize it's all her crazy demented reality, but there is no communicating with her in any way that would help her understand the situation.
... .
It's just frustrating and difficult.

theres an expression/concept we say on the Bettering board: "dont JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain).

it applies as much in the relationship as it does after. after the relationship, its really just sustaining/reliving the same arguments from the relationship.

shes making digs/jabs. they push your buttons, and you defend yourself or try to explain to her why it bothers you. you dont need her to understand the situation, and she doesnt do it because she doesnt understand. the key to detaching is breaking out of all of that, not reacting in the same way, or not reacting at all. dont take the bait.

its annoying and exhausting, im sure, but its exhausting responding to it as well, and you wont be on the receiving end of it forever.