Hello there everyone, it’s been a while. Here with a question that might not have been discussed recently.
I’m dealing with another woman, who I suspect to be suffering from BPD. Plenty of red flags are keeping me from getting into a relationship with her, so won’t repeat them as they are popular here. We already know pwBPD project on their partners. They also tell stories that often seem outrageous, out of place, or far fetched. She says things that just seem out of the blue.
Do they tell stories “about a friend”, that’s actually something that’s happening or happened to them?
Examples of things she’s said:
-I feel bad for this girl at work, she’s been into a guy for a year and nothing has happened.
-This girl my friend is dating is trying to control him with sex. She’s staying over every night and it’s only been 2 weeks. When he said to slow down she got angry and tried to withhold sex.
There’s a few other I’ve forgotten. At first they seemed fine, everyone tells some stories, now they seem questionable due to the increased frequency in stories of friends.
I questioned the one where she mentioned her “coworker hung up on a guy”, and said it sounds like her. She got defensive, but really anyone would... .but she then immediately changed the topic to another friend and story.
Bottom line, do they project onto others when they are not proud of a particular situation?
If so, why do they tell the person they’re currently idealizing. Maybe to make themselves sound like a better person?
Thanks everyone. Take care.
Maybe as an outlet, lying in plain sight rather than holding on to it, a form of catharsis.
Maybe just to get insight on what your personal values are on behaviour but without putting herself in a position to then take responsibility for it.
As for getting defensive and changing the subject - I cant agree with you here that "anyone would really".
Failure to be open is failure to become truly emotionally intimate.
Perhaps the approach you took could have been different though, to make it seem or at least, deny her the opportunity to use the "im so insulted to be thought of as a liar".
When i started to question my ex on her stories, by tying her down to specifics but questioning the event rather than her credibility, it became embarassing to see how absurd the story could ultimately get. to the point id give up and no longer want to give her the opportunity to lie anymore.
with regards to projection, its a seperate thing, when I recall how much my ex lamented the guy prior to me - all the things he was guilty of. its interesting to see how it transpired that all of those things I can firmly define her as being. No doubt she has gone on to new relationships and lamented all my faults, "controlling" was one of them from her past relationship, a way of both avoiding shame and garnering pity at the same time.
I wouldnt say "sounds like you" id ask questions that are difficult to invent on the fly. For instance, I got a big story which was really designed as a sleight on me, me being the "friend".
so i asked, "oh right, so where did you first meet him"?
to which she completely falltered apart and I just let it slide.
