No Contact Holidays

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,
I've been largely out of contact with my father since this summer. I spoke about him back then on this forum, but just to recap. My mom has (diagnosed) BPD (I'm NC with her atm) but he doesn't have any diagnosis. When I was a kid, the story was that he was schizophrenic, but he claims that was just an episode. Anyway, he left my mom when I was 5 and has been a source of one drama or another ever since. Didn't support me at all through my childhood either financially or emotionally. I'm in my 30s now and I spent a lot of my 20s going to great lengths to maintain our relationship, flying or bussing across country on my own dime, despite having tens of thousands of dollars in student debt and just swallowing my feelings when he said something mean or dismissive, which was often.
He claims he wants a relationship with me, but he's full of trip wires. Any time I hang out with my step-family (the kids of his second wife) who I see as family, he gets super jealous. When I talk about my professional accomplishments, he talks to me about failure or gets defensive about his own career and education. He expects me to check up on my full brother (who I also have NC for very good reasons) on his behalf and liaise with my mother.
This summer, we got in a fight because he was invited to my step-sister's wedding and he didn't want to go (I told him that was his choice, and it didn't matter to me, but he got pissy anyway).Then we got into another fight when I said I didn't want to see him while I was in town because I was busy with wedding stuff (and he was acting super abusive and weird, but I didn't tell him that because, what's the point?) I hung up on him and we haven't spoken for months until last weekend he sent me a birthday email.
It was half a birthday greeting and half a continuation of the argument. He's obsessed with the idea that I think he's a fool and a failure, a misogynist and a racist (which he is kind of, but I try not to talk about these things with him). He's obsessed with being respected. He keeps telling me I have to live in the present and then in the same breath expecting me to listen to him opine about his relationship with his parents. Anyway, the email sucked. And I don't plan to reply.
I know all of this is undigested trauma. I know this because I've been doing a lot of work to face the way my own undigested trauma has infected my life. At this point, I don't want to have contact with any of my family. Being the most relatively stable person in the family has meant that I get relied upon for emotional support A LOT by all of them. It's taken a real emotional and physical toll. During one visit with my dad a few years ago, I just started throwing up one night and couldn't stop until I had to go to the ER. For no reason I can think of other than stress. 
I have a good partner and brilliant friends who I love. I have a counsellor who I see once a month who understands and believes me. I'm okay in many respects. But Christmas is coming up and this is the first year that I'll be NC with all of them. I know this is the right choice, especially after that email, but it still makes me sad.
I guess my question is, is anyone else facing the holidays with no contact for the first time? Or have any of you been doing this for a while? I'd love to know about some coping mechanisms to get through or even just stories so I know I'm not alone.
Many thanks.

[etown]

Hello everyone,
I've been largely out of contact with my father since this summer. I spoke about him back then on this forum, but just to recap. My mom has (diagnosed) BPD (I'm NC with her atm) but he doesn't have any diagnosis. When I was a kid, the story was that he was schizophrenic, but he claims that was just an episode. Anyway, he left my mom when I was 5 and has been a source of one drama or another ever since. Didn't support me at all through my childhood either financially or emotionally. I'm in my 30s now and I spent a lot of my 20s going to great lengths to maintain our relationship, flying or bussing across country on my own dime, despite having tens of thousands of dollars in student debt and just swallowing my feelings when he said something mean or dismissive, which was often.
He claims he wants a relationship with me, but he's full of trip wires. Any time I hang out with my step-family (the kids of his second wife) who I see as family, he gets super jealous. When I talk about my professional accomplishments, he talks to me about failure or gets defensive about his own career and education. He expects me to check up on my full brother (who I also have NC for very good reasons) on his behalf and liaise with my mother.
This summer, we got in a fight because he was invited to my step-sister's wedding and he didn't want to go (I told him that was his choice, and it didn't matter to me, but he got pissy anyway).Then we got into another fight when I said I didn't want to see him while I was in town because I was busy with wedding stuff (and he was acting super abusive and weird, but I didn't tell him that because, what's the point?) I hung up on him and we haven't spoken for months until last weekend he sent me a birthday email.
It was half a birthday greeting and half a continuation of the argument. He's obsessed with the idea that I think he's a fool and a failure, a misogynist and a racist (which he is kind of, but I try not to talk about these things with him). He's obsessed with being respected. He keeps telling me I have to live in the present and then in the same breath expecting me to listen to him opine about his relationship with his parents. Anyway, the email sucked. And I don't plan to reply.
I know all of this is undigested trauma. I know this because I've been doing a lot of work to face the way my own undigested trauma has infected my life. At this point, I don't want to have contact with any of my family. Being the most relatively stable person in the family has meant that I get relied upon for emotional support A LOT by all of them. It's taken a real emotional and physical toll. During one visit with my dad a few years ago, I just started throwing up one night and couldn't stop until I had to go to the ER. For no reason I can think of other than stress. 
I have a good partner and brilliant friends who I love. I have a counsellor who I see once a month who understands and believes me. I'm okay in many respects. But Christmas is coming up and this is the first year that I'll be NC with all of them. I know this is the right choice, especially after that email, but it still makes me sad.
I guess my question is, is anyone else facing the holidays with no contact for the first time? Or have any of you been doing this for a while? I'd love to know about some coping mechanisms to get through or even just stories so I know I'm not alone.
Many thanks.

[Turkish]

I remember your story and it must feel especially painful to cut off from your marginally healthier parent with whom you made a lot of effort to maintain a relationship.  The conversations you describe sound peer-to-peer, not been parent and child,  even if as a child you are grown. 

Even as the parent of an 8 and 6 year old,  I can't ever comprehend using them for validation of where I went in life.  I could have done better,  but I've done ok.  I'd be overjoyed if my kids did better than me (As long as they were k9nd and of decent character). In fact, my goal as a parent is to make sure that they have the tools and support to do so.

Your life on your side sounds good,  but it also sounds like there's an emptiness,  a loss of origin or foundation, yes?

[madeline7]

Greetings from another mostly emotionally stable person in one's family. I have been on and off NC/LC for the past 3 years since my enabler Dad passed away and my uBPDm moved to my town to be near family. It has been my worst nightmare come true. The first NC with my Mom was almost 5 months long and began around the 1st of December and I became so anxious I had to see my Dr. who told me it was necessary to seek some type of counseling or she would consider medication for me to get me thru the holidays. That was the wake up call I needed. But it took another 2 years and on and off NC for me to finally get to where I'm at now. I am moving towards acceptance, and understand that I cannot help her and although painful to watch as she is elderly, I have to live my own life and maintain healthy boundaries. One sibling continues to enable and one doesn't really talk to me anymore. So I am slowly detaching from my FOO which sometimes feels like an out of body experience, but necessary for my mental health. My family was literally making me sick. I recently found a support group and workshop in my area specifically for caregivers of family members with BPD. This has helped tremendously, and I finally found a T who understands BPD and DBT.

[etown]

Thank you both for the replies.

Turkish, I think there is a certain sense of loss of origin or foundation although I've been learning more and more that it was me who was maintaining the fiction of a foundation where there wasn't really one. There's also the feeling of guilt around not being there for my family and the pain of letting go of hope. For a long time, I thought if I could just find the right formula of behaviour, I could relax and begin to enjoy my family on some level. I'm learning that isn't the case, and that's hard. I've made a lot of progress in dealing with this, but it feels like there's always more to deal with, more to face. And those feelings tend to crystallize around family holidays.

Madeline7, that does sound like a nightmare! I've spent most of my adult life finding escapes from my FOO. There have been times where my BPD mom has suggested she might move nearer to my city, but thankfully that never happened. The few times she's visited have been horrible. The support group does sound useful though. I might see if I can find one nearby.

[Catstew]

I’m debating on the same- father is BPD narcissist... I’ve limited contact to 3 times a year- each time riddled with a monologue, insults and anxiety. I’ve tried to fiercly protect my children from him and not suffer the same pain I went through. Thimgs have been brewing about him demanding calls and visits he has rights etx I’m
A horrible person, liar, bitch, I mistreat my kids etc. I’ve basically dodged visiting him since we would be trapped in the mountains with all his guns- last time we visited it was 4yrs ago and a gun pointed at me... needles to say he called screaming at me this week demanding visit and calls- told me he was writing me out of his Will, to F-off and go to hell! Sigh. His bday is in 2wks and then Xmas- we’re supposed to visit and act like everything is good right?  

[Turkish]

Catstew,

A gun pointed at me is a threat to commit murder.  If that were my parent,  no contact ever again,  at least not in a private setting.  Your spouse and your children are your primary family. Good for you for protecting them.

[zachira]

I will not be seeing my family members over the holidays. Last year, I was kicked out of the Christmas celebrations for no apparent reason, and I spent nearly a year crying about it. Now, I am in a much better place, and I am glad to not be going there for the holidays. My cousin called me last night begging me to come and see my mother. My cousin who is elderly said she could not understand how I could be so kind to her, yet not want to do the same for my mother. I explained to my cousin, that I wish I could help my mother, and I can't because of the way she treats her children when nobody is around. I told my cousin you really don't know my mother because she treats you differently than she does her children. I now have an email from my BIL asking me about what I am doing, and I don't plan to succumb to the family pressure to buy a plane ticket, stay in a hotel, and then be relentlessly abused by my family members. I feel good about my decision, especially that I can no longer be guilt tripped into thinking that I am bad person, and responsible for everybody else's out of control irrational emotional responses.
Good topic and one with room for lots of discussion! Thanks to all the kind and caring members who have helped me get to this point!