I filed for divorce and my husband is asking us to slow it down

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been 38 years to a man who has BPD and I believe narcissism.  After the past year of intense unhappiness on his part which was directed toward me, my body has undergone a lot of health stuff including high stress and anxiety.  I have realized I have been this man's caretakers, covering up for him so he could keep his reputation with family and friends including our children.

I am conflicted, which I feel quite a lot of the time with him.  He honestly makes me feel crazy.  He asked what it would take to get the marriage back on track.  I told him I need complete honesty, which he rarely does.  I need him to get into therapy and on meds.

Of course, when I say this, he comes back to me with his requests.  One of those requests was that I apologize to our children and to my family for sharing some of his truth with them.  He feels his reputation is ruined and wants me to fix it.

Thoughts and advice appreciated.

[lonely38]

I have been 38 years to a man who has BPD and I believe narcissism.  After the past year of intense unhappiness on his part which was directed toward me, my body has undergone a lot of health stuff including high stress and anxiety.  I have realized I have been this man's caretakers, covering up for him so he could keep his reputation with family and friends including our children.

I am conflicted, which I feel quite a lot of the time with him.  He honestly makes me feel crazy.  He asked what it would take to get the marriage back on track.  I told him I need complete honesty, which he rarely does.  I need him to get into therapy and on meds.

Of course, when I say this, he comes back to me with his requests.  One of those requests was that I apologize to our children and to my family for sharing some of his truth with them.  He feels his reputation is ruined and wants me to fix it.

Thoughts and advice appreciated.

[Baglady]

Hi Lonely,
Sheesh - do all of our SO's study out of the same textbook?  My exBPDh requested the same thing of me prior to our divorce.  I was expected to go around to all my friends and family and apologize for all of the (imaginary) abuse and torture that I had inflicted on him during our marriage.  He too was fixated on his reputation. Ironically, he was doing a fine job of wreaking his own reputation with his own self-sabotaging actions without help from me!
I sympathize.  Needless to say, I completely ignored his request.  I'd suggest just waiting him out.  If your husband is anything like my ex, he'll change his mind and have a completely different set of conditions for you to meet... .ooh in about five minutes from now 
Hang in there - it is crazy making! 
Warmly,
B

[lonely38]

At this point, I am doubting that anything is going to change as my BPD husband is 61 and had these behaviors for most of his life.  These have included acting out with immorality, lying to me for pretty much anything that is convenient to him, blaming me for all kinds of stuff, wanting me to cover up for his horrible behaviors and make him look ok.  The last week or two have been tough with things escalating between us and I have felt threatened by him.  I know he has abused me verbally and emotionally for most of our life.  I can see I have lived a very codependent lifestyle in our family, just trying to make everything ok for our children and my husband so we could all remain intact.
While I hate the idea of splitting up, I have reached the point (I am a slow learner!) where I can no longer tolerate his behaviors.  Even in the last year he has had behaviors that were completely inappropriate, including trying to contact an old girlfriend through facebook (his reason for wanting to contact her was that he found out her daughter had cancer?)   watching porn movies on TV and telling me he was checking the filter, going to a chinese massage place for what he says was an ankle and foot massage?  After he used to frequent these place for prostitutes?  I really have no trust and very little hope for him actually getting better. 

[Baglady]

Hi Lonely,
I dealt with variations along the same theme with my ex so I can very much relate to where you are 
Like you, I was codependent because I wanted so much to maintain my family and keep my son in an intact home.
Ultimately, my ex gave me no choice and dumped me.  I fought and clung so much to the marriage even then.  Now, a year out and the dust has settled, I see that he did me the biggest favor of my life.
You aren't a slow learner - you did/are doing the best you can with the information that you have at hand.
Good luck in your discernment.
Warmly,
B