Mother with Borderline keeps attacking

[Peneloafers]

Hi everyone! I'm having a very difficult time dealing with my un-diagnosed borderline mother this month. I could really use some advice/support.

This is honestly the first time that I have stood my ground and not responded to her attempts at starting drama and bullying me. It is not going well. It started a few weeks ago with her texting me a long wall of text about how no one cares about her or worries about her. I refused to respond to this cry for attention.

She decided to 'punish' me by working on Thanksgiving and rejecting my offer to spend time with her during that week. She let me know that she will work Christmas and that I will get no presents this year. I spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family and inevitably got another long wall of text about how terrible I am for ignoring her. I continued to ignore this.

Her next move was to weaponize the one thing she can: my phone which is on her plan. She texts me that I better turn in my phone because she is done paying for it. When I ignore this, she texts my husband basically the same thing. She finishes by telling me to grow up.

I don't really know what to do here. Obviously I am going to get my own phone ASAP so she can no longer bother me about that. Do I continue to not respond to her? I would really like to set a boundary with her and let her know that in the future I will not respond to her if she is being dramatic, negative, or cruel. I'm not entirely sure how to word that though. You know how they always think that they do no wrong. I'm also hesitant to give her my new phone number since she's been stressing me out with these text messages. Sigh... .wouldn't be a holiday without this drama.

[once removed]

hi Peneloafers, and

I could really use some advice/support.

sounds like it! im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home here as part of the family. experts will tell you that a strong support system is critical.

Do I continue to not respond to her?

i think that there may be other, more effective methods. a person on the receiving end of being ignored, often instinctively ups the ante to get the ignorers attention, and that sounds like the situation here.

it really depends on the nature of what shes saying. certainly a long, thoughtful response is not required, and theres no need to validate the invalid (take her side or agree with anything in particular). something simple that makes her feel acknowledged and heard, may go a long way toward extinguishing the drama, though.

how long have you been trying this method? what did you do before that?

[Peneloafers]

Thanks so much for the quick reply!

I’ve only been ignoring her for about two weeks total. In the past I would respond emotionally with anger or I would try to reason with her. I agree that some kind of response might appease her, I’m just not sure what.

Maybe a simple, « If you don’t want to pay for my phone anymore you can take it off your plan whenever you’d like., I’ve  made other arrangements and no longer need the phone. Thank you for keeping me on your plan! »

It’s so frustrating that she gets to insult me and speak to me as disrespectfully as she has and then play the victim card. Oof!

[Joha242]

Oh my, all the drama sounds so familiar. I hope you find comfort in your husband's family, or other family and friends. I found that I needed mine if nothing else than to show how how a non-BPD family/relationship can work. It can get so crazy that sometimes you don't know how crazy it has become.

I think your phrasing is perfect: you're expressing that you're done, and expressing gratitude. To the point, and with kindness. You are showing her what peaceful, adult communication can look like, and how you would like to be spoken to. Many of these kind of written interactions with my uBPDm are like this.

Hang in there. You're in a good place to deal with this.
 

[once removed]

I agree that some kind of response might appease her

appeasement is a strategy with a moving target, and one that can validate the invalid, or reward bad behavior.

a member here once said "good boundaries are about having a relationship that is safe and works". obviously its trickier navigating with someone with BPD traits, and a lot of it revolves around not making things worse.

ignoring is the flip side of appeasement, and may be complicating things.

Maybe a simple, « If you don’t want to pay for my phone anymore you can take it off your plan whenever you’d like., I’ve  made other arrangements and no longer need the phone. Thank you for keeping me on your plan! »

its short and to the point (BIFF), but lets look at the context:

youve been increasingly disengaging/ignoring
this upsets her, and she escalates, currently threatening to take away the plan
this message beats her to the punch, so to speak, and takes away the outlet shes turned to

with that in mind, how do you think shed take the message?

[Peneloafers]

My only hesitation has been fear that responding to this threat could reinforce the idea that raging and threatening me will get a response. I haven’t responded yet so at least she is not learning that it will get an IMMEDIATE response.

If I sent that text it will probably go one of two ways::

One is that the thought of losing this last line of control over me will terrify her and she will switch from raging to depression. I will get a long stream of “I don’t know what I ever did to make you hate me. Just keep the phone on my plan. I don’t care about paying for it. I just want my children to love me.”

Or two she will rage harder and send me some kind of “F off” text. If she does this I’m thinking further down the road she will attempt act like this never happened or attempt further punishment  by reminding me that she is picking up shifts to work Christmas because no one cares about her.
 

[once removed]

My only hesitation has been fear that responding to this threat could reinforce the idea that raging and threatening me will get a response

it will. especially if its a response that reinforces the drama.

I haven’t responded yet so at least she is not learning that it will get an IMMEDIATE response.

thats okay. take your time. think it through.

If I sent that text it will probably go one of two ways::

youre probably right on both accounts; you know her best.

drama and conflict move on a triangle. escaping/resolving conflict requires moving from a Drama triangle to a Winner triangle... .this is my favorite lesson of any on the entire board: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

the bottom line here is that she wants to be heard. the trick is making her feel heard, without necessarily agreeing with (not even necessarily responding to directly) the particular things shes said, or sending the message that the threat is what motivated you.

so it comes down to whats the mature thing to do here? think with the Winner triangle in mind. think out of the box... .it can be actions, words, both, and even a combination of approaches (switching plans, long term, is not necessarily a bad idea... .whats the story there?)

what do you think?

[Notwendy]

With my own BPD mother, the less I am tied to or obligated to her the better. She also says things like " I am not sending the kids presents this year" when angry but then she does. The way I have managed this is to tell her the kids appreciate the gifts but we understand if she doesn't want to send them. My stand is to not react to what she says but to continue to act according to my own values. I send her a gift, because she is my mother and I think it is the right thing for me to do. Her behavior has nothing to do with that decision. If she wants to send something for the kids, she can, and if she doesn't want to, she can do that too. ( she doesn't send gifts to me  and I am OK with it being just the kids).

Any financial ties would set up an obligation. Now that you are an adult, I think it is time to get your own plan. Not as a reaction to her but in principle. It sets a boundary not in a bad way but the boundary " I am an adult, separate from you". I would not make it part of an interaction or discussion with her. Simply a " I really appreciate being on your phone plan and thank you for your support. I have my own plan now and my phone # is XXX- XXXX

If she doesn't reply, I'd still act the way I ordinarily would. If you usually send a Christmas gift, send it. The point is- their emotions can go up and down, but you keep yours steady and ride out the waves. Reacting adds drama.

[Joha242]

<< Now that you are an adult, I think it is time to get your own plan. Not as a reaction to her but in principle. It sets a boundary not in a bad way but the boundary " I am an adult, separate from you" >>

My own uBPDm has found my ventures into adulthood extremely difficult and threatening. She had a major breakdown when I left our hometown after college, and in fact, back when I was still in the FOG, I made arrangements with a couple of her very close friends to be there to support her as I left. And you know... .I was going to be with a man that was soon to be my husband, in a solid home and environment... .one would think she might've been happy for me. (And for criminy sake's I was 31 years old!  -- time to cut the apron strings!)  She also saw my marriage as a threat. It's like they prefer us to be vulnerable and in a needy position. Oddly, my mom was also a strong, bad-ass woman in other parts of her life and you know what she raised? A strong, bad-ass woman.

This cellphone issue might just be the last tie she has to you? The last straw. The last thing that launches you into full responsibility for yourself. One thing that helps me sometimes is asking if I would tolerate this kind of behavior from others. If the answer is no, than act accordingly. This is a tough situation but you're doing great! 

[guineap]

I solved the phone issue by doing a family plan with my brother because it was cheaper for both of us. I have a friend who was willing to do this with me if my brother couldn't. She was holding the phone and insurance thing over us, so we called her on the "you aren't being responsible adults" (even though we were paying her for our part of the plans) and became "responsible bill paying adults." Maybe your husband can do a family plan with you for the phone?

[_inthelight_]

It started a few weeks ago with her texting me a long wall of text about how no one cares about her or worries about her. I refused to respond to this cry for attention.

She decided to 'punish' me by working on Thanksgiving and rejecting my offer to spend time with her during that week. She let me know that she will work Christmas and that I will get no presents this year. I spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family and inevitably got another long wall of text about how terrible I am for ignoring her.

Omg! I could have written this about countless eerily familiar  experiences with my own mom. The “walls of texts” and “having to work” (when the event doesn’t suit her needs) are both some of my mom’s go-to tactics. Good for you for standing your ground and for making a plan about the phone! After a lot of reflection, I realized that my mom used (and continues to use) tending to her children as the primary source of her self validation. She began to unravel when I (the oldest child) hit adolescence and began to establish independence from her. Her mental stability progressively declined with each child that became an independent, well-adjusted adult.

 It sounds like your mom needs to be needed. My own mom is a super-hero when there is a crisis situation with someone in the family. She deals with the most difficult circumstances of the human condition like she’s a one-woman-Red-Cross... .not sure if that’s a good analogy, but hopefully you get what I mean. If everything is going good and there’s no need for my mom the go into “rescue mode” with her adult children, that’s when her thought patterns and behavior spirals out of control.

I’m new to figuring all this out myself but is there a way you could offer her a way to feel needed in a safe and constructive way? Maybe something as simple as asking for one of her recipes or her opinion on something in your life that won’t be emotionally charged? I think one of the goals when dealing with these situations is to be able to take a step back and create a space where you both are able to get what you need if at all possible. You are actually the one in control here and you’re doing great! Warmest wishes to you!