Want to learn how to better help

[Helpmehelphim]

Hi,
  My husband hasn't actually been diagnosed but from all the literature we have read he exhibits most of the signs. We first came across the articles a couple of months ago and while I understand the signs I don't know how to help him when he hits a low.
 We have been together 3 1/2 years and of course we've had some up and downs but this last 6 months or so have been different and a lot harder. Now when he hits a low he says that everything that is "wrong" in his life is my fault but things that I'm unhappy about in my life he takes the blame for even if he has no control over it. If I ask him how or what he needs me to fix to help he can't give me an answer and then we'll at some point later that I'm not doing anything wrong that it's just him. While in an argument he will point out every negative and never see anything positive even when I point the positives out. I used to be able to "control" an argument before but now it seems I just cause them to escalate and I don't understand how I'm doing that.
 I just want to help him, I don't want to cause it to escalate

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.  You are in a great place to learn and talk with others who get it.

I just want to help him, I don't want to cause it to escalate

  What you described about communication sounds familiar.  You are not alone.  The best thing you can do to help him is to help yourself.  I know, sometimes that is annoying to hear, but (!) it is true.  A lot of times how we respond and talk does escalate a dysregulation rather than calm it or even head it off.  I don't mean you can control him but there is help. 

he will point out every negative and never see anything positive even when I point the positives out

For people with BPD feelings = facts.  So if he feels like everything is negative he will talk and act that way.  Pointing out the positives seems like the best thing to do but often it is in fact invalidating to the pwBPD (person with BPD) and you will see an escalation.  It is a common mistake.   Validation can be tricky but you can learn it.  In this case, I would say something like "wow, it must feel awful to see so many negatives.  That is really difficult"  Validating his feelings makes him feel heard and understood and sometimes that is enough to help pwBPD.  We have an article here that you may want to read.

Can you think of anything that may have caused the last 6 months to be more difficult than usual?

Feel free to jump in and start posting.  Having a support network will be important for you as you work things out. 

[Radcliff]

You've taken a big step in coming here for support.  This is a good place to learn better strategies that can improve the situation.  I was about to mention the validation article, but Harri beat me to it!  Another valuable tool to pair with validation to reduce conflict is learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  You may also want to check out this three Three-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict..

Let us know what you think about the links we recommended.  Do you see anything in those resources that is applicable to your situation?

RC