Need help validating

[WitzEndWife]

So, uBPDh is in depression mode. He has never really worked a legitimate job. He worked briefly as a star op-ed writer in his city's daily broadsheet years ago, and he's a fabulous writer, but he doesn't have a college degree, nor much of a portfolio beyond that. He has been writing freelance, pro bono, for an online publication, and I've mentioned he should pitch his ideas to other, paying publications, but he says he doesn't have enough ideas and that they won't take his work. He tried being a realtor, but it got too hard and he quit. Every time there's the slightest conflict or difficulty, he quits. I've made hundreds of suggestions, but he's poo-poohed everything. Entry-level or hourly jobs, he feels, are "beneath" him. I asked him if he'd feel better making a small salary or no salary, and he said he would feel better making nothing than working a job for low wages. He has this opinion of himself that he's special, better than everyone else.

On the other hand, he has a low-limit credit card that I won't give him money to pay (unless he buys something I've asked him to pick up for me) that he's maxed out, Christmas is coming, and he has no money to get me a gift or pay his card. He's really upset because he's been unable to bring in money, and says he is contemplating suicide.

The thing is, I try to acknowledge that he is frustrated and stressed, but what do I say when he negates every suggestion I make? While I agree with some things he says, the point is that he just has to keep persisting and putting himself out there, and he doesn't because he says he's too afraid of rejection, or of not being able to deal with people like everyone else. When I repeat back what he's said to me, he just gets annoyed with me and says I don't understand him. On the one hand, he acknowledges that he has issues, but he's too afraid to deal with them. He's even too afraid to go to the doctor for fear of finding out he has some kind of problem, and his asthma has gotten really bad to where he can't breathe well at night.

I don't know how to help, what to do, and how to behave in this situation. It seems that he wants something, and I've tried to be validating, but it seems like he wants someone to agree with him and to give him an excuse not to do anything, like a reason to give in to his fears.

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[flourdust]

Acknowledging that he is frustrated and the situation has many challenges is validating.

Otherwise, it sounds like you are frustrated because you keep offering "fixes" to his situation, and he won't take any of your advice. The easiest next step is to stop offering unwanted advice ... .which may come across as stress-increasing nagging.

It's a positive step to continue to validate his negative feelings. They're genuine and they are based on real problems he is having with his work & financial situations.

It would also be a positive step to manage your own distress tolerance as your frustration rises and your unrequited desire to fix him rises along with it.

[WitzEndWife]

I am past wanting to "fix" him, I just don't know what to do when he keeps bringing things up and every answer I have is the wrong one. What do I say? "I'm not going to make any suggestions because you don't accept them"?

I feel more like I'm being pushed between a rock and a hard place: damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[flourdust]

"I don't know."

[Zakade]

I was a little apprehensive to comment on this one at first.  I've had two friends in the past talk about suicide.  One tried and one succeeded, if you want to call that success.  I don't know your situation so I would surely keep that idea in the front of your mind.  It doesn't sound like he's saying it to be overtly manipulative with you. 

Again, I don't know your situation but could he get help for the depression (Meds/counseling).  True depression is a slippery slope.  Once you start the slide down, it's really hard to stop it.  E.g. Something bad happens, they feel bad.  Something else happens that they only see the bad, they feel bad.  Pretty soon anything that happens feels bad.  They can't see the good.

Imagine you woke up one day and someone has put a pair of glasses on you that shows you the worst most horrible scenes you wouldn't wish on anyone.  Only problem is that you don't know that you have the glasses on.  Now listen to everyone around you trying to show you how wonderful life is.  "Look at that beautiful view", someone might say to you.  But all you see is a tragic car accident.  "Cheer up.  Things will get better."  You see Armageddon everywhere you look.  No matter how much they talk to you, they are not going to see what you see which will make you feel worse or crazy.

First, get him help.  Second, something that you can try is to reflect his concerns back to him.  "I know that you don't want to work a low income job, but what could you do start getting your credit card paid down?"  He may protest that he doesn't know.  Sometimes it helps to re-frame again and say, "I know you don't but if you did know, what could you do?"

Depending on where he is in the depression spiral will determine if this has any chance of working though. 

[WitzEndWife]

He absolutely refuses to get "help." He won't even go to the doctor for his asthma, for which he has horrible symptoms. He's wheezing around the house. He claims he won't go to the doc because he's afraid of the cost, but that's not why, obviously.

He thinks therapy is a waste of time, and a bunch of fluff. He gets viscerally upset when I recommend it. I've given up. It's been years of me suggesting it and he just won't go.

At this point, all I can do is keep detaching. I can't control what he does.

[WitzEndWife]

I think some of his talking about it and seeking answers is really just seeking attention. He laments his problems, and cries, and often slugs around in bed for days, and makes sure he looks extra pathetic when I walk into the room. When I've suggested he see a therapist, he's yelled at me to "Shut up!" He's faked fainting before. When I announced I was calling 911, he popped up and said, "No, no!" and was 100 percent fine.

He does the same with his wheezing. It seems he wheezes extra hard when I'm around, looking at me pathetically to show how miserable he is. I tell him to go to the doctor and he says no.

Same pattern. Interesting.

[Zakade]

It has to be tough for you to see him wasting talent.  Seeing his potential that he is not able to see.

So what are you supposed to do assuming that he won't get any help?  

What do YOU need?