I ended it - want her back

[esmerelda72]

so again here i am. I seem to be on a faster emotional rollercoaster than before.  We have been having challneges and issues on and off for the last two months.  Me, i am validating where i can and basically sucking up the fact i dont have my needs and smiplest wants met by my gf.  Everything is fabulous if i am just around, im solid and safe and there when she wants me in whatever capacity.  if i need something or want something small, liek the other monring just a peck on the cheek before I went to work, she's all like 'no, i cant do that.  i am full up with my own stuff'.  so i go, trying not to feel rejected and i do eventually get over it because she will swing right round a turn on the ever so seductive charm and i fall again and forget all the painful stuff. 

last night was different. we had been in dishamonry so she asked me if i was free and would like a date with her sat pm and eve.  i said yes absolutey. she said ' lets make it beautiful'.  beautiful to her meant her being triggered again because I brought something up she didnt like, and so we put up fencing panels sat pm after which she announced she was going for a 2 hours massage and would be gone from 4:30 until 8:30.  have a nice evening she said as she left me bemused.  i didnt say anything.  when she retuned at 9:30pm in a bit of emtional tendernes,, i listened and held her all night. it was only half way through sunday when she recognised I had withdrawn and was a little tedner that she started phsycially being loving towards me.  the more i pull back the more she leans in.  she pushed for what was up with me, i resisted in telling her, feeling too raw to be able to hold it together if i started to say.  she pushed and i eventually let it all out, the fact that i didnt feel met in the relationship, didnt feel considered in the decisions she makes for the relationship and home without considering my feelings at all and eventually said i had to step back from the relationship if it didnt change.  she was hurt, laughed at me, was mean to me, then upset, then crying, then shouting, then hysterical and eventually just blamed it all on me and made up a bit pile of untrue statements about my personality.  i just said we arent compatible, i am struggling and i lets just be friends. she said that she loves me in all of the numerous ways she loves me. isaid i am struggling to feel that when she is totally gorgeously in love with me one day and then doesnt look at me or touch me for two days.

this morning she cold shouldered me.  i asked her if it was ok to get into the bedroom so i could get my work clothes (respecting her need for space) she just shrugged.  i asked her to let me know if she wanted me to come home or stay somewhere else (she has two young children who adore me and want me around so we have to consider them and my role in their life - i cant just disappear) so we talked of being friends and i stay in the childrens lives.  she just shrugged.  i asked here if she wanted a coffee, she just shrugged.

i just want to be heard and just love her and occasionally have a bit of normal relationship. any advice on what to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi esmeralda72,

It must be very painful to be laughed at when you're opening up about your feelings and your needs.

she pushed for what was up with me, i resisted in telling her, feeling too raw to be able to hold it together if i started to say.  she pushed and i eventually let it all out, the fact that i didnt feel met in the relationship, didnt feel considered in the decisions she makes for the relationship and home without considering my feelings at all and eventually said i had to step back from the relationship if it didnt change.

... .

 i just said we arent compatible, i am struggling and i lets just be friends

i just want to be heard and just love her and occasionally have a bit of normal relationship. any advice on what to do?

One thing I have noticed here is that members quite frequently issue ultimatums of this kind when what they really want is what you've said in your second quote. Nons quite often say to their pwBPD that, if things don't change, they will need to step back (or walk away altogether).

If this is completely meant and will be followed through on, then it's necessary to say it. But I have found that it usually isn't meant completely or literally. It's usually just a way for the non to communicate that they are (understandably) hurt and confused and desperate for things to change.

What then usually happens is that the pwBPD continues to act in the same ways, things don't change, but the non doesn't do what they've said they would - because they love their partner and they value the good in the relationship and they aren't actually willing to give up or step back from the relationship. They just said it in utter desperation/confusion/pain/exhaustion.

But, each time things like this are said, trust is damaged on both sides and the pwBPD's abandonment fears are triggered. Thus it tends to lead to insecurity and escalation of the unwanted behaviours.

If you actually want to stay with your partner, but you want to see an end to the issues that you highlighted, it is possible to learn tools that can help you to deal with them.

didnt feel considered in the decisions she makes for the relationship and home without considering my feelings at all

Let's take this one as an example. Can you give us some examples of when she's done this?

[esmerelda72]

wow yes i hear you.  and no i sit here today feeling like i didnt mean it and it was out of desperation for all the reasons you cited.  i have attempted to talk to her on and off for the last two months about where i am struggling and it just got to be too much with the last few issues pushing me to my edge.  now i am doing that thing i fall into feeling like i should have just sucked it up again and held fast as she was slowly coming around to intimacy - because she could feel me backing off she was more affectionate with her touch and kiss, i wasn't in the mood though so just kind of let her peck me on the cheek.  now i wish i had just gone to bed instead of being goaded into a full blown argument in which i end it.

what tools can i learn to deal with this.  i already hold so much and validate in places all the time.  when and what is the fine line between validating her feelings all the time whilst not having mine neglected.

today shes ignoring me.  she said last night how hurt she was and in utter despair like her solar plexus had fever... .that i was welcome to come back with gentleness and respect though she had nothing more to add to the conversation.  i declined though and said its best if i dont right now and dont see the point if she had nothing to add.  not sure how that was taken as she has blanked me since.

as for the examples of decisions made about the relationship and home:  (deep breath)

- she invites her friends over for evenings and sleep overs and 'tells' me after she has arranged it and then asks how i feel about it, is that alright for me?
- she has decided that her 6 year old sleeps in our bed without discussing it with me or even asking how i feel about it - i had to bring it up
- she moved to a place where she knows i cant have my dogs and then in her upset times blames me for not being able to live with her full time due to my dogs and always says things like "the universes gives me the love of my life and she leaves me for a dog"
- we only make love when she feels like it
- we only kiss when she feels like kissing - if i ask her for a goodbye kiss before going to work she says ' no im full of my own stuff'
- she plans trips away - like NYs she is going away with one of her friends for 4 days and didnt even tell me she was thinking about it or tell me that we werent spending NYs eve together
- she goes to concerts on her own or with her daughter and never thinks to invite me and then throws in a nonchalant ' well come if you want'
- she decided to just randomly go out and buy 7 more hens to live with us even though we are already overcrowded with them
- she wants me to be co-parent to her two youngest kids and we are family yet they do things like eat without me and put up the christmas tree because they couldnt wait a hour until i got back from work so we could do it all together
-
i could go on... .but getting depressed

[Bnonymous]

Hi esmeralda72,

It sounds like some (though not all) of these examples might relate to the difficulties in figuring in what part-time living together will look like. You live part-time in her home but also have a home of your own - is that correct?

If this is the case, then she might have more difficulties in figuring out how to share her living space (and decisions relating to it) than is the case when people start living together full-time. She may feel that your joint home doesn't need to be shared 50/50 with you when you have a home of your own. I'm not saying that would be correct, just that it may take some time, compromise, and trial and error for the two of you to work out what you each expect and how to negotiate these into something that works for both of you (and your family).

It may well be that once you've got a handle on this as a couple, the issues in your list which don't relate to your living space might get easier too.

Re tools, it's great that you're using lots of validation. Have you heard of the DBT communication technique D.E.A.R.M.A.N.? It might be helpful when approaching some of these subjects with her. There's a workshop thread about it here that might be worth checking out:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[esmerelda72]

the part time living together is an issue.  we lived together for a year before we split up earlier this year in May.  whilst apart she moved to somewhere that could not accept dogs (we have three between us).  she gave her dog to a family friend and i had to find somewhere to live with my two dogs close by when we got back together.  For the last two months she has been saying how she wants me to live with her and her kids, how she loves me being there and wants it to be our family home, yet is also quick to tell me (when we are not getting along) that i am only a guest there and she will make the decisions for 'her' home. so its confusing.  i got for having a shelf and space in her bed, to not having a shelf and then not being in her bed. 

a week ago she asked me to really step into this relationship, come right in to her space and her heart and she will commit to me and wrap a primal boundary around the container of our relationship so its me, her and her two kids and no one bothers the energy of that.  i said i would love that, i wanted to and will step right in and that i will fully commit to the unfolding beauty of our relationship.  after a difficult few weeks in which i have shared how i struggle when not met, and i struggle with her daughter in our bed, and struggle with the lack of couple space for us, last night she turned around and said although she is in love with me, loves me more deeply than ever and wants to share her life and home with me and be family with me, right now and for some time she wont be able to commit to being my gf ... .her reason cited as " you will just leave me again " so she cant commit to that and the only thing she can commit to is being in the moment with her authentic presence.  so i said then she cant expect my commitment back or have me give as much as i give because that would leave it unbalacned and leave me wanting.  that probably wasnt the right thing to say but as much as i validate and as much as i want this, i will not keep having the basic respect of my time, effort , love and commitment trampled over.  she is aware enough to know how much it triggers me - she said so herself. so currently, i have no idea of what we are even in.  its clear she cant commit to a relationship yet wants me there in her bed, its clear she doesnt want me to have any expectations of her, yet wants me to be a family and do school runs and cook and be around the family home and just give her love, she says she cant be intimate with me then touches my face, kisses my cheek and holds my hand when i have pulled back from any expectation of physical affection.  i just want some clarity.  i want ot know that we are al least aiming for a committed relationship otherwise why am i coasting through this time now as nothing seems to change with her... .she says such beautiful things and then her actions contradict everything.

yes i have checked out the DEARMAN technique and have used some... .to differing results.  sometime sit really works other times its just me giving up stuff, and me letting go of what i want, and everything seems to be on her terms .  i firmly and confidently state what i will or will not settle for etc and be clear and loving in that space only to be met with anger, mocked or full retreat... .or she accuses me of giving her an ultimatum and bullying her into giving emotionally what she cannot give.

i dont know at this point what more i can do apart from pull back from giving so much and being there so much and see where that takes us... .i nearly said 'as a couple' then but dont even feel like we are one anymore.

[Bnonymous]

 last night she turned around and said although she is in love with me, loves me more deeply than ever and wants to share her life and home with me and be family with me, right now and for some time she wont be able to commit to being my gf ... .her reason cited as " you will just leave me again " so she cant commit to that and the only thing she can commit to is being in the moment with her authentic presence.  so i said then she cant expect my commitment back or have me give as much as i give because that would leave it unbalacned and leave me wanting.  that probably wasnt the right thing to say but as much as i validate and as much as i want this, i will not keep having the basic respect of my time, effort , love and commitment trampled over. 

It sounds like both of you are being reactive, echoing and anticipating each other, and speaking from a place of pain and confusion.

A few days ago, you said to her that the two of you aren't compatible and let's just be friends.

Yesterday she said she loves you and wants to share her home and family with you but cannot commit to being your girlfriend because you will just leave her again.

You then said she couldn't expect commitment back or for you to keep giving what you're giving.

It sounds like the two of you have got caught up in defensive cycles where you each push the other away as a response to feeling pushed away by the other. It sounds like both of you actually want to pull each other close, but have got stuck in a bit of a loop here.

How might you break this cycle?

[esmerelda72]

wow. and what a journey i have had since i last posted.  so we had a beautiful xmas together, she had gone to a very dark place two days before with issues over her mother and daughter and clashes she is having with them both.  she really was not in a good way and said she has no anchor and thought her family was it but now she is afloat with nothing.  I didnt say 'you have me - am i not family and anchor' - but i didnt as it wasnt the best place.  i held it and just let her be where she was with no judgement or anything.  just held her and the space for two days. on boxing day we had a major row due to me asking for some help over saving a cow i found in a field in trouble.  she didnt help.  cow died.  i was upset and asked 'i needed you there - where were you'  she said it was ' my journey with the cow'.  anyway we made up on the 28th and we had a beuatiful day, she was all amorous with me and really happy, saying how happy she was in my aura etc.  then she was going on a 5 day break.  before she left she we slept naked side by side but with no intimacy and she held me all night. then she kissed me on the lips and said 'happy new year baby'. and left.  later that night i got a text saying she missed me so much she ached and she was falling more and more in love with me. 

i heard nothing for 5 days.  we had formed a plan to see each other on her return on the 2nd and for her daughters bday on the 3rd.  she cancelled on me saying she had made other plans as she thought i wouldnt be back. hasnt wanted to see me since.  its the 7th jan today and we still havent seen each other and contact as been either nothing, or a flurry of texts.  she said she has been integrating our intense relationship and needs to walk this path alone right now.  see you on the other side she said.  i said i am here if you need me.  have been saying that for days.  every time she reaches out i have validated and said i am here,  calm and solid.  i sent her a lovely text late last night and she replied this morning.  something in it bothered me about what she said over her daughter and i gently reflected that maybe it was best to be careful right now and that she could easily make her daughter an anchor and that i know she had said she didnt want to do that.  anyway it exploded. i said that i would step back as she is clearly somewhere where she needs to be alone and that i was there should she nneed me but i would leave that up to her. she got nasty and she hurled blame and awfulness at me and then turned around and said ' you always have to leave in such a drama'... .i said well you have ended it with me in your text of two days ago just citing 'friends only'.  and she said ' i ended it with you six weeks ago and have been holding the boundary there in love'.  so i reflected that if she had ended it with me six weeks ago how come we have been intimate since and how come she had asked me on a date, why did she kiss my and call me baby, why has she been amorous with me. i just kept reiterating that i am not going to keep creating and feeding this drama place between us as it hurts us both.  she unleashed a fury at me like i have never seen before... .full of blame and saying how i left her and trashed our friendship and hurt her kids... .i cant go on like this.  yet i cant seem to let go