I feel its wrong to just send money

[burnside]

Hi I am new to the group. I am the parent of daughter aged 18 with a diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). My daughter was adopted by us when she was 18months (abused as a baby). I am now a widow in my early 60s and have another daughter in her early 20s. My daughter with EUPD has again walked away from everything- her college, finance (grant) the flat I was paying for, her medical support etc. She has not told me where she is or who she is with - she tends to move in with strangers and try and live their lives. She will have no source of income now and no base for accessing her medical care (she also has Crohn's disease). Any small messages I send to keep the door open so to speak are ignored. The only communication I get is "send me money... .I am hungry". At first, I  said no as there was food in her flat and food at home (she may be living far away from either at the moment). Of course, this has turned round in her head as "You don't care, I have been made homeless and have no clothes etc". She may also have contacted the birth mum for money  (whom she found for the first time this year- who is addicted to drugs) But I now have to shut down the flat as it is a rental.  I feel I would like to help her with small amounts of money (very small) and I worry about her  (she self-harms and can be suicidal)but I also feel its wrong to just send money  when its the only form of communication I receive from her and it's not resolving anything for her other than an immediate need. I still am trying to keep a job down.  Any suggestions, please

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Welcome to the group. I am new too. It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can. It must feel horrible not having any communication with her other than demands for money. But my thought is don't assume there is nothing more to the relationship. Deep down underneath her illness she knows you are there and you love her. My former spiritual advisor (now deceased) used to tell me "I hate you" doesn't mean I hate you. It means I love you and I am scared.

I don't know if that helps. Maybe others have different ideas. I hope you stick around.

[Huat]

Hello Burnside.

I'm sure if you have spent any time reading the posts here, you will have found that you are not the only parent who is writing about their troubled adopted child.

It is indeed hurtful for a parent to be rejected by a child they love so much, be the child adopted or not. 

I think it is good that you continue to send little messages to her... .doing your part in trying to stay connected... .little reminders that she is loved by you.  I am not so sure about sending her money, though.  She is probably hoping guilt, on your part, will have this happen.

Sometimes, after we have tried everything we could think of trying, one has to let go... .but with NO guilt!  That is not to say your heart ever stops hurting but it so important that each of us take responsibility for our own actions.  Sounds like, so far, your daughter wants you to take on that burden for her.

I join FaithHopeLove in saying... ."I hope you stick around." I know for me it has helped to know I don't walk alone... .others here going through the same... .or worse.  It helps to know others are listening to me as I pour out my heart and that, in turn, helps to make me feel more empowered to face the hurts that come along... .better deal with them... .and then get on to enjoy the other aspects of my life.  I'm wishing the same for you.

Huat

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi burnside,

Welcome to the board. I am sorry that circumstances have brought you here but glad you found us. I am in a similar position with my daughter. I think your gut instinct is right. There are a couple of problems with sending money. One is that you are allowing her to use you. If she wanted a relationship, that might be a little different. But she obviously doesn't currently. Hopefully that will change but you giving her money will not change it. It sounds like it's a financial hardship for you, also.  

Secondly, you have no way of knowing what she is doing with that money, if you do send it. Is she somewhere she can apply for welfare/state assistance for food? If she really is desperate for food, you could offer to send her addresses of food banks/soup kitchens. I have offered to send my daughter addresses of homeless shelters, in the past. That way you are not ignoring their need, and are in fact helping, while also giving them the opportunity to help themselves and not enabling them.

 I hope you'll let us know how you're doing and keep posting. It helps a lot.

HB

[burnside]

Thanks for all the replies. They have been very helpful- practical suggestions and also understanding. It has been good finding this website - I don't have the right support from services- my daughter doesn't either- some professionals  seem quite chillingly cold. I expected them to be skilful (humane)  in helping someone like my daughter to learn to take some small steps toward taking responsibility for her decisions but it hasn't been like that.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I'm sorry you haven't found supportive professionals. That makes things so much harder. It is so frustrating and baffling when people who are supposed to be in helping professions are cold and judgemental.

I am glad you've found this site helpful! I was worried I had given too much advice yesterday. We are here to support you!

[wendydarling]

Hi burnside 

I'd like to join FaithHopeLove, Huat and Hyacinth Bucket welcome to the family. I'm so sorry your daughter's walked away again, it must feel never ending, how long does she normally stay away? I like Hyacinth Bucket's suggestion of sending information pointing to how your daughter can help herself.

- I don't have the right support from services- my daughter doesn't either- some professionals  seem quite chillingly cold. I expected them to be skilful (humane)  in helping someone like my daughter to learn to take some small steps toward taking responsibility for her decisions but it hasn't been like that.

You're right the approach of some professionals can leave us feeling, what just happened there? My 30DD was recently dusted down for want of a better word by a very exprienced DBT therapist, and it took her time to reflect using her wisemind skills why he took such a hard (and on reflection skilful) approach with her. What kind of experiences has your daughter had? What kind of treatment has your daughter engaged with?

I'm glad you're here 

WDx