Apartment drama

[FaithHopeLove]

My DS 24 with BPD and cannabis addiction (currently in treatment for both following his first hospitalization) is living in an apartment he used to share with his gf of 8 years who recently broke up with him. He makes most of his money selling weed. That, among other reasons, is why he cannot live with us. The lease is in her name because she was the one with a job on the books. He still gives her the rent money each month and she pays the landlord. This lease runs out in March. He wants to buy a condo or co-op and probably has the money to do it but not the documents he needs for a mortgage like tax returns and pay stubs. He is working on getting these documents in a shady way by having a dealer "friend" whose family alledgedly owns a sign painting business put him on the books as an employee. But he probably would still need a co-signer. His husband and I have decided that much as we would love for him to be a homeowner co signing the mortgage would be a bad idea. His dad told him so today. DS is of course very angry at us. His dad pointed out other options like renting an apt. until he has the documents needed for a mortgage. He even said we would cosign a one year lease for him on an apartment and when he is able to qualify for a mortgage we will contribute to the down payment. But of course that is not enough. My question is what now? Are we doing the right thing? Too little? Too much? Encouraging or enabling? How the hell can we all survive the pain of this disease?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dubiousraves]

I think you are making the right decision. I am assuming from your post that weed is illegal where you live so if he were to wind up in a criminal/legal action against him for drug dealing the condo/coop could be seized and everyone, including you, would lose their money. Cosigning a one year lease sounds fair, it provides him with housing but doesn't expose you the way an apartment purchase would.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi FaithHopeLove,

Your proposal is more than fair! I especially like that you offered to give him money for a down payment; this shows the value of delayed gratification, which our kids with BPD are truly terrible at.

You are doing more than many people would and exactly what I have done in the past. Don't feel guilty in the least. You are showing your son you care that he has a place to live while not exposing yourself to undue legal risk.

I finally reached a point with my DD 21 where nothing we offered was what she wanted and thus was insufficient, so we stopped offering. I hope your son is able to see the value of what you are willing to do for him.

How are you doing?