Sleeping issues

[Aims92]

Hi guys,

 My partner who has BPD is going through a lot of change in her life and handling it really awesome however she seems to be processing a lot in her sleep. She never usually sleeps well but the last week or two she has been yelling, moving, thrashing arms and legs all night. I try to stay with her because holding her hand can calm her down and also she feels guilty when I sleep on the couch. We have discussions about this during the day and I let her know that I always love her very much, and if I sleep on the couch it’s because I need sleep not because I want to be away from her and if she needs me I’m still there.
But now I’ve started to feel really grumpy and touchy without a good sleep which then impacts on the relationship in its own way because I’m too tired. This impacts on the relationship because I’m less validating and take everything personally which I normally am very good at handling. She is able to sleep in but I work full time it’s harder for me to catch up on.

Any tips on how to help my partner/myself have a better sleep?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zakade]

Hopefully that doesn't continue for her.  But in the meantime, have you thought about setting up an air mattress or old twin bed next to your bed, if that's possible?  That way on the nights that it's too much for you, you can move to the mattress and you haven't left the room.  Would that work for both of you?

[Aims92]

Awesome that sounds like a good plan. I haven’t thought about that but I think it might work for both of us so I will give it a go.
Thanks

[isilme]

Long-time insomniac here - how's her sleep hygiene?  Does she follow any pre-bedtime steps to wind down, calm down, disengage from stress?

A warm shower/bath, followed by going to bed in a cool, dark room with no screen-time, maybe just a book and some chamomile tea, valerian root supplements can help.  If this can become a habit, she might be able to soothe her mind and release from stress and sleep better. 

My BPDH gets agitated before bed, and often has nightmares because his mind goes strange places in the night.  I try to get him to drink tea, to come to bed at a decent time, and to not engage in discussions about things like politics or his family before bed.  But his anxiety about the passage of time and belief that time only really passes when he is unconscious fules a toddler-like need to fight sleep, to remain in control, to not give in to it. 

As someone with sleep-maintenance-insomnia who wakes up at every sound, motion, itch, tree creaking, train going thru town, dog barking a block away, his tossing and turning is terrible for me, but sleeping on the couch hurts my back after a while, so I try to stick it out.  Valerian root seems to be helping me sleep through it this week. 

One other thing - could she be having some hormonal fluctuations that are affecting her sleep?  Hormones really suck.  They take a body that has been behaving and are like, "you need to be a jerk now, get hot night sweats, nightmares, and feel crappy."  If she's on any medications, had any diet changes, or health changes, it's something to look into.

Also, if she can, she might benefit from exercise of any kind, to wear out her body so her mind will leave her alone in her sleep.