First text after six weeks NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I have had NC with uBPDh for six weeks, but apparently he got a new phone number and he tried to call me twice today. When I didn't answer, he texted me.

Said he hopes that s3 enjoyed his books (uBPDh dropped off a birthday present for s3 at my work on Saturday, he was gone before I even knew he was there) and that he just wanted to make sure I am OK. Said I could either block the new number or call him back.

I blocked it.

And now I feel a host of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to guilt to frustration.

No, I am not ok, I have flipping PTSD and it's because of him.

He didn't even ask about our daughter, nor did he get her a birthday present.  She turned 5 on Friday, the same birthday as s3.

UBPDh's birthday was Sat, the day he dropped off the present. I was expecting him to try to make contact somehow.

He called MIL four times yesterday to tell her to call me and give me his new number. Yesterday was mil's birthday (lots of Dec birthdays in this family) and not once did he mention that.

He apparently has stopped visiting the older kids, said he couldn't do it. Why, I don't know. The visits were scheduled around his work schedule, and if he has time to drop off birthday presents for s3 on Saturday and hop back on the bus, he should have been able to make the visit to see his other two sons and daughter.

I'm sick of this act he pulls, the downtrodden, poor me, pity me, just miss my kids bs. It's HIS fault our family is separated.

I wish I never read the text, but I didn't know it was him until too late.

And I just feel so depressed and angry.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

So I have had NC with uBPDh for six weeks, but apparently he got a new phone number and he tried to call me twice today. When I didn't answer, he texted me.

Said he hopes that s3 enjoyed his books (uBPDh dropped off a birthday present for s3 at my work on Saturday, he was gone before I even knew he was there) and that he just wanted to make sure I am OK. Said I could either block the new number or call him back.

I blocked it.

And now I feel a host of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to guilt to frustration.

No, I am not ok, I have flipping PTSD and it's because of him.

He didn't even ask about our daughter, nor did he get her a birthday present.  She turned 5 on Friday, the same birthday as s3.

UBPDh's birthday was Sat, the day he dropped off the present. I was expecting him to try to make contact somehow.

He called MIL four times yesterday to tell her to call me and give me his new number. Yesterday was mil's birthday (lots of Dec birthdays in this family) and not once did he mention that.

He apparently has stopped visiting the older kids, said he couldn't do it. Why, I don't know. The visits were scheduled around his work schedule, and if he has time to drop off birthday presents for s3 on Saturday and hop back on the bus, he should have been able to make the visit to see his other two sons and daughter.

I'm sick of this act he pulls, the downtrodden, poor me, pity me, just miss my kids bs. It's HIS fault our family is separated.

I wish I never read the text, but I didn't know it was him until too late.

And I just feel so depressed and angry.

Redeemed

[Mindfried]

Hang in there Redeemed. Seems like to only way to heal is through the passage of time. Some days are better then others. Great things are ahead for you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Red5]

I'm sick of this act he pulls, the downtrodden, poor me, pity me, just miss my kids bs. It's HIS fault our family is separated.

I wish I never read the text, but I didn't know it was him until too late.

And I just feel so depressed and angry.

Hello Redeemed!

You have every right to feel angry, you've been through a lot, .and it would be very tough for any of us to endure what you have, but you are still here, still 'trucking'! and you have been able to persevere... .one day at a time now, sounds like your ex is really into projection, and "making crazy" in the form of a seemingly legit text (disguised)... .understand his actions for what they are... .maybe a guilty thing... .best just to let it go,

We all know how pw/BPD rewrites history, and contorts it, and then uses it to try to upset our preverbal "apple cart"... .intruding into our daily routines... .lives, .just let it go,

Take a deep breath, spend a few minutes looking into your children's eyes... .and know that they love you !

Be good to yourself, try and distract yourself with something positive, interesting, .

... .my own uBPDw, whom I'm now separated from... .seemed to think it was important to tell me today that the vets office called her, to tell her that the "old mans" heart meds were ready for pickup?

*I already know / knew this, I "got" this... .he is my dog, and I take care of him... .
*Why would she do that... ."connection",
*I really don't want to have any "casual texts" going back and forth between us... .if I could block her I would... .maybe I should, maybe later I will... .I'll have to think about it... ."logistics",

Hang in there Redeemed, you got this !

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks mindfried and Red,

I don't want any casual texts either because any communication is too triggering for me. Not to mention that I believe he is currently or has at least recently used drugs again, hence the emergency call and hospital stay (though his mother said she couldn't get a straight story from him about what really happened).

I am just still in the process of fully accepting that I will always have to be on guard for lying, manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting, accusations, projection, etc. Unless I remain completely NC. These maladaptive behaviors are the framework for his entire relational style, with a front porch of "victim mindset", a back porch of rage and lashing out, a leaky roof of "it's not my fault" and it's all set in a foundation of find-an-excuse-and-that-makes-it-ok.

I just find it increasingly more disturbing that he can actually pretend to just be interested in the well being of myself and my son, as if none of the craziness and chaos ever happened.

But of course, we are talking about a man who could slap me in the face while standing outside his mother's front door and then walk inside the house perfectly calm, pretending he just couldn't imagine what it was that his crazy, mentally unstable wife was so upset about this time.

I don't know how I survived without going crazy.

Redeemed

[Mindfried]

The good news is you survived and will be there to take care of and protect your child. The rollercoaster ride is coming to a full stop and its time to get off. You will be dizzy for a while from the ride but as time passes you will regain your balance, lose the nauseous feeling and get on with your life in a positive manner. As much emotional pain that you and and will continue to experince you will grow from it and at some point have a fresh new perspective on life. Have some ice cream. Buy some bubble gum and blow bubbles it will make you smile and feel a little better.

[empath]

It is amazing that they can just go on pretending (minimizing what they have done). I went out of town for Thanksgiving, and my h called while I was on the road, telling me that he was going to "borrow" an appliance for his thanksgiving dinner and would return it. Guess what - it isn't returned yet. He also showed up at my church the week before. All of that kind of put me on edge for a while. I've been trying to focus on making sure that I'm caring for myself well in this season.

I'm hoping the weather is nice next week because I may have to take many walks outside because I have a big family event this weekend.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks Mindfried and Empath,

I have an "assignment" from my DV counselor to do something recreational for myself. Between work, school and taking care of s3 I don't do many things just for fun. The little time I get that is "Free time" I spend researching BPD, personality disorders in general and also abusive relationships (like, what? That's what I do with my precious "me" time?). I tried watching a show on TV but I picked a supernatural show that was very dark. I read a book just for fun but I picked a Stephen King book that was also very dark. I realized after I did these things that my inclination towards not-happy things is something I need to work on. It's okay to like that stuff, but the point is that I am trying to improve my mood and spirits and that means going against my natural inclinations.

Looking on the bright side does not come easy for me. I have to work at being positive. I think for many years I stayed in depression because it was familiar, and because having a positive outlook just seemed so foreign to my personality. But I am tired of feeling miserable.

I have decided to find myself a good book that is lighthearted and funny, and to pick out a show to watch after s3 goes to bed that is NOT dark and scary.

Right now I am fighting against the temptation to feel sorry for uBPDh and to second guess my decision to block his new number and not resume communication. I read several articles on what narcissists or other disordered people who have been abusive do to suck someone back into a relationship.

The first example in the article matched uBPDh's text to me almost word for word. It was a revelation and I was glad I could see it for what it is, but I still have feelings of guilt and that just aggravates me. I wish I wasn't so darn flip-floppy.

Thanks for your replies,

Redeemed

[Red5]

I have decided to find myself a good book that is lighthearted and funny, and to pick out a show to watch after s3 goes to bed that is NOT dark and scary.

Hello Redeemed!

Nothing ‘bad’ ever happens on “American Pickers”  

https://www.history.com/shows/american-pickers

Hang in there !

We are all here listening 

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh my gosh Red! I forgot about American Pickers! I used to watch that show all the time. And Antiques Roadshow, on public tv.

I keep telling myself I'm going to visit their store over in Nashville one of these days. It's only about a 2 hour drive from me. Nashville is my "hometown", after all, at least until I was ten years old.

Thanks!

Redeemed

[Harri]

Hi there.  Watching what we put into our minds is important.  There are certain shows I just can't watch because they are so dark.  I don't pay attention to much of what I watch but even if it is just on as background noise, I want it to be light or at least have humor in it.  I enjoy some of the old shows because they are so innocent compared to todays stuff. 

I also find that music makes a huge difference in my mood.  Even just a half hour of it a day helps though I usually listen to it more especially when I am posting here.  I don't listen to stuff that matches my mood though as that is depressing. 

Anyway, it is good you recognized the need for some lightness inyour free time.  Let us know what you enjoy.

[stixx44]

My ex will has also texted me out of the blue after months of no with casual comments designed to elicit emotional loving responses from me.

I used to fall into the trap of thinking “oh, this is it... .she misses me and wants me back”and I would engage in a flirty response.  Nothing ever came of these texts.

I finally wised up.  The last text I got, which was months ago, was her telling me about a painting she bought of a scene which reminded her of me every time she looked at it on her wall.  My response was simply “.”

That seemed to do the trick.  Haven’t heard from her since.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks for your replies,

I am frustrated and a little frightened by the instinct I had to answer. I blocked the number before I could wrestle too far within myself about whether or not to respond and what to say. I realized, thankfully, that the text evoked powerful enough emotions in me that would prevent any kind of constructive or controlled response from me.

I am simply too triggered by any contact with him. I am only just beginning to recognize and accept the symptoms of c-ptsd and I am nowhere near ready to have contact, whether we have kids together or not.

I am tired of him using the kids, especially s3, to manipulate me emotionally. Basically every word that comes from him is designed to manipulate, and I have no patience for that. I know he has a disorder, probably several, but I no longer feel that empathy and compassion for him should override my self protection. He is no longer allowed to let his untreated issues spill out all over my life with unbridled toxicity. He refuses to be accountable or take any responsibility or constructive action, because no matter what he says (words), what he does (actions) proves that he really isn't concerned about the deep seated trauma he has caused nor the physical or psychological risks his behavior poses to me and our kids.

Redeemed

[Cromwell]

Hi Redeemed

I think I take a lot from your post in that things started to get much better when I saw the big picture to realise how much it was effecting me, my family members and that these texts that I got were never about what I took them for at face value in the past but crafted each time. At least, lets move towards some certainty because its hard to prove 'manipulation' and guilty intent, but put all that to one side - does it really make that much of a difference? The end result is that for whatever reason, it is triggering each time and causing grief. I started to look at the results rather than try and solve the process. Id never been in a relationship prior that made me feel this way, consistently, mentally stable and 'trigger' was a new concept I had to learn - it wasnt part of my day to day life, eventually I collected a catalogue of them. All emanating from one identifiable source. If I had actually understood more what was going on, i could have easier realised that I needed to protect myself - but everything that happened was never done direct enough, the messages cryptic, my ex has never once made a direct insult everything was either passive aggressive or she told me broken up codebreaker skill worthy stories that I had to decipher to even begin to think "have i just been insulted in some elaborate way I lack the wit to even realise?"

it was all too bizarre eventually. Even when we got back on speaking terms, I was still reading her texts at face value; she missed me, she had been crying for me, she was upset about 'shared' favourite emotional songs. she recalled and tried to reminisce on shared moments together. I was drawn in because it  was happy stuff, but I took a step back like you say now - it started to trigger me - id heard all that stuff so many times, but the actions always never matched up later. Here was all this apparent love, dangled like a carrot on a stick in front of the donkey - and I started to see it that way, and not the way it was presented. So whether or not my suspicions are right or wrong, I couldnt handle it anymore and thats where self protection kicked in for once.

i think one of the hardest things has been to get to a stage in life where I could hear someone talk to me on such an apparent emotional level, yet get to the same stage of questioning that it could likely be entire BS and that she would laugh her ass off secretly to think, "got him again, hook line sinker". But that is where I got to, and its a lot of radical acceptance to think that my path crossed with someone who would feel the need to do this - it just doesnt compute.

Track record, not new words however sweet they sound, are all that i could rely on to begin 'erring on the side of caution'. I take a lot from your post about building up defences, if I have ever to be painted as distrustful, well how that happened just didnt come out of thin air did it? We didnt just wake up one day and not trust, it happened for a reason. Sorry you are getting these triggering messages but at the same time, I see nothing but strength in your post and clarity over decision making Redeemed.