I just wanted some space and now BPD sis won't come for holidays

[OttawaSue]

Ever since July, my sister has been having a lot of difficulty getting over a breakup. For four months, I would get long, emotional texts from her, sometimes daily. Some were suicidal. All were either full of rage toward the ex or full of crushing hopelessness. Some were full of hurt and anger toward me for not being as available as she needs me to be.

Sometime in October,  I realized that I was depleted and burnt out. I wasn't sleeping because I was so sad and anxious about her. I didn't care about work. I wasn't pulling my weight around the house.

I started pulling away, and told her I needed a break. I checked her texts less often, and responded once a week.

Now, she has sent me a very angry text that says I don't know how hard it is for her, how bad her life is. She says she was just doing what everyone said she should do, reach out to her support network. She said she can't do this. She has talked her daughter into not coming to our place for Christmas, so they are going to spend it together.

I'm so sad. I have so much guilt.

[Turkish]

Do you have an idea who "everyone" is?  They may not know the depths of your sister's pain,  much less how if affects others. 

What's her basic beef with you? That you won't validate the invalid?  If I had to guess... .

[Notwendy]

I think what you did was healthy self care and sadly an example of the dilemma we are in when we are in a relationship with a high need person.

You want to be of support to her, but then, you found yourself getting emotionally burned out and needed some space to maintain your own mental well being.

Your sister, feeling abandoned, reacted in her own hurt by being hurtful to you.

I think the drama ( Karpan ) triangle illustrates what happened. Your sister ( Victim) turned to you ( Rescuer). When you asked for space from this position, your sister became Persecutor and lashed out at you ( Now you are Victim).  One thing that is interesting about the triangle is that, no matter what role a person plays ( and they can change roles) they end up as victim. This is why the whole dynamic is dysfunctional- it doesn't work well.

From my own observations, it seems that pwBPD tend to take victim role and others who relate to them take rescuer role. Yet, rescuer role is also dysfunctional. You recognized this by how you were feeling.

The problem is, when someone isn't rescuer, the pwBPD may be angry at them and possibly cut contact with them. This leaves us with a difficult dilemma. Rescue- and not take care of ourselves or our boundaries, or not rescue and this can alter the relationship.
I faced this dilemma with my parents. The expectations were to enable BPD mom. I also realized I could not do this. They got angry at me, and it was hurtful, but I had to preserve the boundaries that were important to me.

I know it is difficult but I hope you can not feel as guilty for taking care of yourself. It's essential, even if your sister doesn't like it.