Thought I was over the effects of my childhood in a BPD household...

[Yellowyellow]

Going through a hard time right now

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you found us too.

What's going on?

[Yellowyellow]

I will reply in the morning when I have a bit more privacy. Thank you for responding.

[Harri]

Okay.  I'll look for ya in the morning then.   

[once removed]

hi Yellowyellow 

glad you reached out. we are listening when youre ready.

[Yellowyellow]

Hi everyone,
I started to explore my own mental health issues when I became anxious/depressed five years ago. I thought the work was over once I was on a SSRI, visited a therapist, and moved an hour away from my family, and met the love of my life (now my husband). I was so happy, normal, and stable for five years. Five years later, family issues have crept back into my mind and my anxiety/depression seem to be officially back...

This last week I hit a low point. I’ve cried over my My BPD mother’s behavior and the effect it’s had on myself and my siblings for the past four days. I have gotten almost no sleep and feel exhausted/numb. I feel like no one understands what I’ve been through. My siblings all have different memories and perspectives from years of abuse. My husband doesn’t understand because my family, especially my BPD mother, have learned to put on a very good show for outsiders. My best friend seems like she could usderstand but I worry that she will thinkI’m being dramatic/exaggerating my issues if I talk about it too much. I just want someone to hear me, understand, tell me it was not a normal or okay childhood, and tell me I have the right to feel sad.

I guess in a very long way I’m asking if anyone can relate to thinking they’ve conquered the effects of growing up with a BPD parent, only to “relapse” years later? I feel like I put a bandaid on the problem by just focusing on anxiety coping mechanisms and distancing myself from my family- maybe I should have kept going to a therapist throughout my five years in “remission” and continued to explore and understand the root of my anxiety  (verbally/emotional abusive upbringing in a BPD household). As a child of a BPD mother, will I have to be in therapy forever to maintain happiness and stability?

[Harri]

Hi Yellowyellow.

I can very much relate to what you describe.  Before I get into that though let me say that it is common to have a history of abuse rear it's head up at different points along the way as we live life.  I see it as a part of the healing process, where as we grow we are ready to see things we could not have seen or handled before.  Grief and trauma have layers, at least in my experience.  What is happening with you right now does not necessarily mean it is a relapse.  It could just be a sign you are ready for even more healing and that is a positive thing even if it feels awful right now.  Our brains are remarkable at protecting us from stuff we are not ready to handle yet. 

I came here several years after I had turned my life around and got 'healthy'.  And i did do those things.  I was healthier and my life was drastically different... .and I was then in a position to do more digging into the past and even more healing.  I was not thrilled at all, in fact I was angry about it and came here sort of kicking and screaming, but I was determined and knew if I could do what I did before (get over the worst) I could handle whatever else was to come.

So yeah, I can relate.  And I and others here can help you in the process.  The people here carried me through some very difficult stuff and we are ready to stand beside you too.

I don't think you will have to be in therapy forever to be healthy.  I do think that learning and growing is a lifelong process though.  Isn't that the whole point of life though?

Sometimes talking with family or friends is not the best way to go, at least not all the time so we can be part of your support network too. 

Are you back in therapy now?  What would you like to look at?

[freespirit]

Hi Yellowyellow   I just wanted to welcome you to the group.  I am glad I found bpdfamily too 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Yellowyellow! 

I love yellow! It's such a warm sunny color. 

Hang on to us. We're here when you have the freedom to grab a moment to write and share.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hey there, Yellowyellow. Welcome to bpdfamily. It’s nice to hear that you have met and married the love of your life. It’s also nice to hear that you have put some space between yourself and aspects of your life that you don’t want to be close to anymore. You’re struggling lately because old haunts have returned to visit you. Many of us here can relate and empathize with what you’re experiencing. It’s not easy and we understand.

Five years later, family issues have crept back into my mind and my anxiety/depression seem to be officially back...

This is not an easy place to be and I’m sorry that it (trauma) has resurfaced. The thing is, is that this isn’t uncommon for trauma survivors. Often times, trauma is perpetuated on it’s victims over an extended period of time. It’s absorbed into our bodies and it can become layer upon layer. Like an onion. It can become pretty complex. We can pick up the bat to knock it out of the park just to have more trauma surface later.

A good therapist can be very helpful in helping and guiding us in processing our stored trauma and the abuses that we’ve suffered. SSRI’s won’t heal us, but they will help to manage the acute effects of abuse/trauma.

I guess in a very long way I’m asking if anyone can relate to thinking they’ve conquered the effects of growing up with a BPD parent, only to “relapse” years later?

Yes, I can. I believed that time and my disordered parents passing away was the remedy. I was in the dark and way off the mark in my thinking. My unprocessed trauma revisited me in dark and profound ways. It’s all at the surface now. I see a trauma specialist once a week and spend a lot of time here. My mind and body are purging this stuff and I can’t do it on my own so I found ways to help myself. I could be mistaken, but your relapse sounds like unprocessed trauma. Do you have any thoughts on that?

As a child of a BPD mother, will I have to be in therapy forever to maintain happiness and stability?

If you are in therapy to heal yourself and move forward, I will venture to say no. Being a member here is another positive step towards your path to healing.