How do I make this better? Help again...

[Step3]

Hello,

A little while ago I went to help my girlfriend with a rental property she has. I've never seen inside of it because the tenants have lived in it all the years her and I have been together and they don't like people they don't know going in the house. They moved out yesterday so I've been telling her how excited I've been to see it and help her clean it and make redesign it. I get to her house and I right away look at the living room and I love it! I tell her it's beautiful then start glancing around but staying in the main room and I tell her the color I think we should do and that I'll upgrade her fireplace. I was excited and told her how happy I was that she had the home. We went into the master bedroom and bathroom and o complimented those rooms then asked her what she wanted me to get started on since we had limited time to clean today.

She seemed upset but we started cleaning then finally she told me I can take a tour if I wanted so I told her I would as soon as I finished cleaning the blinds. Then she told me I obviously don't care and that other people would actually show interest but I just talked about how excited I was before seeing it but that I didn't show any excitement the moment I saw it. That I'm flat and that I didn't even take initiative to see the rest of the house. And that tells her I'm all talk and I don't care about the house. That me saying I was excited isn't authentic. I don't know what the hell I did wrong. She says I didn't seem excited, I was but didn't want to mess around, I just wanted to help get started since we only had a few hours before she had to go to work. She asked me to leave and won't talk to me now.

Help

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[itsmeSnap]

I don't know what the hell I did wrong

You did nothing "wrong", but if I may and just to be clear I am not pointing fingers at you, just to let you know what I see from the outside in:

When you told her "after I'm done with this" her heightened emotions took over and she thought you rejected being with her (taking the tour) so she started going on about how you don't care bla bla.

Put yourself in her shoes, without agreeing to what she said (it was a bit out of proportion, but don't tell her I said that ) and given you know she has BPD, can you see how she could feel rejected from that exchange? Would you change your response now that I've told you how I see it?

[Step3]

Hi Itsmesnap,

It was a bit out of proportion for sure. I was there to see it and help and she prefers to get things done rather than slow chores down. So I thought I was doing the right thing by getting to work. I didn't think much of my response at first (about me finishing what I was doing first). I guess because I'd be happy if someone came to help me clean my house and prioritized cleaning over touring. I do see how I could have responded differently though. Maybe apologized and asked where my manners were and then asked her to show me around. We're supposed to go to dinner tonight. I text her how sorry I was for rushing into cleaning and not asking to see the rest of the house. I asked her if we could talk and have a great night together. No response. 

I definitely see how I hurt her feelings and I want to make it right.

[itsmeSnap]

Maybe apologized

I don't think that would have been necessary at the time, just agree to it and maybe ask her to help you put the cleaning things away for the day, that way you can "not drop everything to fulfill her wishes" and still get a bit of work done.

I definitely see how I hurt her feelings and I want to make it right.

Sucks that she'd feel that way over a simple thing. like I said, her response was also a bit of proportion. We can call it a draw on the "who's fault it is" .

Anyway, I know what it feel like to not have a response. Do you have other opportunities to catch up with her? common activities/responsibilities (besides the new house), a pet, or anything else "neutral" that you could contact her about without addressing the event?

I know its weird to just overlook what happened, but in my experience they tend to "forget about it" when the mood strikes them good again. Besides, its not such a big deal right? lets not blow it out of proportion.

So, was she excited about the new house before the thing? how was her mood before this happened? Moving (edit: I thought she was moving in, she's the landlord, makes sense now, read it as "Redesigning a house") is a bit of a stressful time for anyone, so the emotion outburst might not be "just" the tour thing.

[Step3]

Hey there Itsmesnap,

We'll definitely call it a draw . She's at fault though!

We missed out on our date night. She cancelled but this morning she text me to get it all out. Whatever... now we're on our way to clean the house. The things I do for love. I'll continue later because I still want to get the hang of this.

[Hart_Payne]

Hi Step3,

I feel your pain. This is not your fault. Been there, done that. First of all, there is no way to determine what's inside a pwBPD's mind. They think on an entirely different level than non-BPD. And you can not be expected to think of every possible contingency to stop them from having an episode. It's like trying to predict which way a drop of water will go down your arm while being tasered in a wind storm during an earthquake.

The best thing is to figure out how the manage the chaos after the trigger. I have done beautiful, thoughtful things for my wife and then I would get a "guess you don't care about me because the birds are chirping and if you cared you would have done something about that". Of course I'm over doing it, but not by much. You didn't do anything wrong. It's hard to keep a pwBPD  happy all the time. That's something they have to do for themselves.

I had to go to a therapist to learn this. Just keep you head up and be the best person you can to her WITHOUT being co-dependent.

[Hart_Payne]

I forgot to mention that this sounds like a classical emotional dysregulation case. The reaction does not fit the situation at all. And then a grudge follows. A grudge where they try to draw you into another episode, so don't respond to their petty, sarcastic remarks. And they are still going to get mad because you're not falling into their trap. But it's better to be calm and cool and not angry. Great thing being in love with a BPD.

[Sandb2015]

Hey Step3,

I've learned in such a short time that besides walking on eggshells, I would take every thing so personally and be so attached to words and predict disaster around the corner(cause of extreme anxiety/anticipation of...)  that messed me up.  I have found a way to step back (not always-work in progress) and let the episode play out without trying to control, just not make it worse.  It may sound difficult, try some "experiments" to see the difference in your reaction/action and how it may effect the situation while keeping an emotion distance.  I have found that this helps me greatly as I can't have an effect on her, just mindful not to make it worse.

This is so much about me and my perceptions?, codependency?, enabling?, letting another have control over my buttons.

Hart_Payne, I think levity in my case, is helping me so much, I appreciate yours as well.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey Step3

Whatever... now we're on our way to clean the house. The things I do for love. I'll continue later because I still want to get the hang of this.

How did the house cleaning visit 2.0 went?