I guess she was self-absorbed most of the time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It will be a month since the break up this Thursday and I have found myself looking back on our relationship. In my previous post I talked about my worries about my exwBPD reaching out for my birthday and if she would continue to keep in contact. Last week she texted me quite a few times about how things were going with work or about a show we would watch together. I'm not going to lie, I liked hearing from her, I guess because in my mind it meant she was thinking of me.

I haven't heard from her since Friday and I was tempted to reach out yesterday when my grandma was rushed to the hospital for chest pains. I have a very close relationship with her mother so I informed her on what was going on, but told her not to share the news with anyone else, especially my ex because I didn't want any pity texts from her. Her mother informed me that things have not been good with her as she chose to skip her grandmas birthday party to hang out with friends on Sunday. This shocked me as my ex was always very family oriented and would do anything in her power to go to any kind of family event.

As I look back on our conversations over the past couple weeks I have noticed that they were all focused around her. There was no "how are you" or "how is work going," as it was always focused on her and how she was doing. Reflecting upon the last year or two of our relationship I have come to realize that maybe she was self-centered all along and I just failed to take notice?

For the first two years, she worshipped the ground I walked on, but after that I was the one in the relationship that always went out of my way for her, but never the other way around. I guess this was just an eye opening moment for me on how much I really did for her and often times failed to take care of myself. After hearing about her choosing her so called friends over family, I really don't want to hear from her going forward. I think this whole thing just solidifies the idea of keeping me on a string and using me when she has no one, but forgetting about me when she has someone to occupy her time. Everything revolves about her and what she wants, not anyone else.

[CookieMonster80]

It will be a month since the break up this Thursday and I have found myself looking back on our relationship. In my previous post I talked about my worries about my exwBPD reaching out for my birthday and if she would continue to keep in contact. Last week she texted me quite a few times about how things were going with work or about a show we would watch together. I'm not going to lie, I liked hearing from her, I guess because in my mind it meant she was thinking of me.

I haven't heard from her since Friday and I was tempted to reach out yesterday when my grandma was rushed to the hospital for chest pains. I have a very close relationship with her mother so I informed her on what was going on, but told her not to share the news with anyone else, especially my ex because I didn't want any pity texts from her. Her mother informed me that things have not been good with her as she chose to skip her grandmas birthday party to hang out with friends on Sunday. This shocked me as my ex was always very family oriented and would do anything in her power to go to any kind of family event.

As I look back on our conversations over the past couple weeks I have noticed that they were all focused around her. There was no "how are you" or "how is work going," as it was always focused on her and how she was doing. Reflecting upon the last year or two of our relationship I have come to realize that maybe she was self-centered all along and I just failed to take notice?

For the first two years, she worshipped the ground I walked on, but after that I was the one in the relationship that always went out of my way for her, but never the other way around. I guess this was just an eye opening moment for me on how much I really did for her and often times failed to take care of myself. After hearing about her choosing her so called friends over family, I really don't want to hear from her going forward. I think this whole thing just solidifies the idea of keeping me on a string and using me when she has no one, but forgetting about me when she has someone to occupy her time. Everything revolves about her and what she wants, not anyone else.

[once removed]

hi CookieMonster80,

there could be two things going on... .

the first is that i think, often times after a breakup, there is an element of finding an ex to be surprisingly boring. not quite sure what we saw in them. not always of course, but when feelings fade, when we think about it, it feels kind of foreign to imagine them.

second, do you miss elements of this:

For the first two years, she worshipped the ground I walked on

[crushedagain]

My ex was the most selfish woman I've ever been with, which is weird because she also "worshipped" me (for lack of a better term) at the same time - a very strange juxtaposition.

At any rate, I understand where you're coming from as you reflect upon the past. I have the very same feelings.

The last contacts I had from her were emails that were entirely about her.

[CookieMonster80]

the first is that i think, often times after a breakup, there is an element of finding an ex to be surprisingly boring. not quite sure what we saw in them. not always of course, but when feelings fade, when we think about it, it feels kind of foreign to imagine them.

second, do you miss elements of this:

Hi once removed,

I don't know that I find her to be boring, but I do find her to be a different person from when I first started dating her. When I start to miss her, I tend to focus on the good times that occurred during the beginning of our relationship, but then I remind myself of how things were towards the end. How easily she was able to say "I'm unhappy" and walk away not once, but twice. A part of me wishes she would turn back into the sweet, loving, family-oriented girl I once knew so we could give things another shot, BUT I know the reality of this happening is very slim and if it does, then it will only be for a short while as it is going to be a repetitive cycle, unless she decides to seek therapy.

My ex was the most selfish woman I've ever been with, which is weird because she also "worshipped" me (for lack of a better term) at the same time - a very strange juxtaposition.

At any rate, I understand where you're coming from as you reflect upon the past. I have the very same feelings.

The last contacts I had from her were emails that were entirely about her.

Hi crushed again,

Seems we are in the same boat and it's good to know that there is someone who can relate to my situation (not glad you had to go through it though). Did you try to address this issue at any point in your relationship? I know I did a couple times and was met with a complete meltdown on how she is a bad gf and how I should find someone who can meet my needs, even though all I was asking for was to show a little interest in how my life is going. Towards the end of our relationship I found myself "walking on eggshells" about what I could and could not talk about, which ultimately took a lot of energy and made my anxiety go through the roof.

[Lucky Jim]

maybe she was self-centered all along and I just failed to take notice?

Hey CM, I suspect you're right, though you probably played into it by bending over backwards for her.  My BPDxW definitely had a self-centered side and her needs were paramount in our marriage.  Yet I allowed it due to poor boundaries and thinking that was my role as her H.  Give yourself credit for getting out of a r/s that may have been unhealthy for you.

LuckyJim

[CookieMonster80]

Hey CM, I suspect you're right, though you probably played into it by bending over backwards for her. 

Hey Lucky Jim,

You hit the nail on the head with this statement. I would work five days a week and then drive two hours to see her every weekend because she would work Saturday and Sunday. This past Thanksgiving was the first time she has been at my house in a year! I would often times help clean her apartment while I was there and while she was always appreciative, after time it became expected. One thing I will note is last week when she was telling me about her day she commented on how much I did for her and how she is learning to do it all on her own. Not going to lie, it felt nice to hear some recognition for all of the things I did.

Going forward in any relationship I realize I need to establish boundaries with what I am and am not comfortable doing. I got caught up in making her happy and doing things to help her out that I failed to realize my needs were not being met. Thanks for your support and feedback!

[once removed]

im friends with most of my exes, one in particular with whom there was once a lot of bad blood and hard feelings.

our relationship looks very different than it did while we were together, or even when we were friends before that. there really isnt investment, there are no expectations, no leaning on each other. we are not a priority to each other. its mostly "hey" and some light catch up chat once a month or every other month.

it took me a long time (years) to get there.

I don't know that I find her to be boring, but I do find her to be a different person from when I first started dating her. When I start to miss her, I tend to focus on the good times that occurred during the beginning of our relationship
... .
A part of me wishes she would turn back into the sweet, loving, family-oriented girl I once knew so we could give things another shot,

if you have residual feelings, if youre looking for remnants of the old relationship, the closeness, the intimacy, the investment, or even the girl that you loved at the time, then you will almost certainly be disappointed, if not hurt and frustrated.

she is a different person than when you started dating each other. we grow apart, and we break up, and we grieve and mourn that connection, and what was.

sometimes after weve done that, a new relationship (friendship) is possible (and sometimes not), and can enrich our lives in small ways, but usually only when we acknowledge the old relationship as dead and emotionally move on.

[crushedagain]

Seems we are in the same boat and it's good to know that there is someone who can relate to my situation (not glad you had to go through it though). Did you try to address this issue at any point in your relationship? I know I did a couple times and was met with a complete meltdown on how she is a bad gf and how I should find someone who can meet my needs, even though all I was asking for was to show a little interest in how my life is going. Towards the end of our relationship I found myself "walking on eggshells" about what I could and could not talk about, which ultimately took a lot of energy and made my anxiety go through the roof.

Any sort of communication with her about anything that could even remotely be construed as a criticism of her was met with such an overreaction that I, too, was walking on eggshells. She would strike herself and scream "because I'm a horrible person!" which was frightening and sad to witness. Mind you, these weren't huge things, they were small things she was reacting to. But she was so fragile in ways that she couldn't even handle the thought of herself doing something wrong.

[crushedagain]

if you have residual feelings, if youre looking for remnants of the old relationship, the closeness, the intimacy, the investment, or even the girl that you loved at the time, then you will almost certainly be disappointed, if not hurt and frustrated.

she is a different person than when you started dating each other. we grow apart, and we break up, and we grieve and mourn that connection, and what was.

sometimes after weve done that, a new relationship (friendship) is possible (and sometimes not), and can enrich our lives in small ways, but usually only when we acknowledge the old relationship as dead and emotionally move on.

I never, ever want to be friends with my ex, or see or talk to her again. What I had wanted with her was a future. I wanted her to be with me forever. We shared a lot in common in terms of life goals, health, daily habits, etc. Aside from this "issue" of hers (and mine for my part), we were perfectly suited for one another.

Part of the pain I carry is due to the fact that she did a few things that made me realize I can never take her back. The trust is gone and there's no way to regain it. When somebody crosses a certain line, there is no going back. She did that. It's incredibly hurtful because it was truly over after that, for me.

[once removed]

the point is that you have to grieve the relationship, and let go of the baggage, the hurt, the expectations, before a friendship of any kind is really even possible.

in the case of my uBPDex, i have grieved and let go of those things, and i think the two of us could be friends or at least friendly, but we arent... .havent spoken in eight years. we moved on. in another case, it took years, but im decent friends with an ex who was at least as vindictive and hurt me really badly. we were both able to move past that. there isnt an issue of gaining or losing trust... .we dont have that kind of relationship.

my point isnt that one should or shouldnt be friends with an ex. most of the time, by the time we are emotionally capable, both parties have moved on and its not really worth it. my point is that if you are still engaging your ex, if you have expectations, want their attention, are trying to retain elements of the old relationship, you are likely to be hurt and disappointed.

[CookieMonster80]

Aside from this "issue" of hers (and mine for my part), we were perfectly suited for one another.

Part of the pain I carry is due to the fact that she did a few things that made me realize I can never take her back. The trust is gone and there's no way to regain it.

It's funny because I find myself saying the same thing all of the time. We never fought in our relationship and when we did it was over something small, we enjoyed each others company, our families got along great, and so much more. The only thing that came between us was her BPD. On one hand I know she can't help it and I tried so many things to help her, such as learning what triggers her or learning how to handle her breakdowns, but on the other hand I need to realize that this isn't what I envisioned my future to be like. Hypothetically if we did get back together, like you said the trust would not be there and as we all know a relationship without trust isn't the best (especially because I struggle with anxiety).

my point isnt that one should or shouldnt be friends with an ex. most of the time, by the time we are emotionally capable, both parties have moved on and its not really worth it. my point is that if you are still engaging your ex, if you have expectations, want their attention, are trying to retain elements of the old relationship, you are likely to be hurt and disappointed.

So true once removed! This is something I am slowly coming to the realization of. I miss someone that isn't there anymore and that's the hardest thing to come to terms with. I think that is the reason I decided to give the relationship another go after last years breakup. I was so caught up in getting the person back that I once knew, but failed to realize that person was long gone.