BPD wife and three children

[SnapOnEngineer10]

Hello,

My wife for the past three years has been cheating on me with periods of remorse and “I am sick” explanations.  We have three wonderful kids and her she doesn’t display much BPD actions toward them.  She is constantly on a roller coaster saying “I am her soulmate” and then “I am not in love with you.”  Recently she has just gotten pregnant by a trashy man that lives at home with his mom and doesn’t work. She has been cheating on me with him off and on for 1.5 years saying she will change but never does. She wants me to raise this other mans child as my own and go off to treatment for a few months. She has finally realized just how sick she is (BPD, ptsd, bipolar tendiences, etc).  I do not want to raise this other mans child but she is saying that if she gets an abortion she will blame me. I told her I didn’t force her to have sex, and if she wants to keep the baby (I am open to adoption; she isn’t).  I work as a production manager and make about $100k a year in the southeast. I have pushed myself to get through grad school and have a master degree in engineering. I am not sure what to do know, because she says she is getting an abortion and going to an in house treatment.  She now says the decision ultimately lands on me on what to do with the child. What should I do?  Now she says the abortion falls back on me because I can’t raise another mans child. I sometimes tell her I can because I hate to see the pain she is in. What should I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[desperate.wife]

SnapOnEngineer10  and welcome,

I am sorry to hear you are in such complicated situation. It is hard decision to make. How do you feel? How do you feel about your wife? How do you feel about abortions? Would you feel guilty?

How you feel is understandable. It is her actions and her consequences, but you are involved as husband and father of other kids. She might be putting blame on you so she feels better about it. This decision is very hard.

What if she doesn't do abortion? What would you do? Divorce? How much are you willing to support her no matter what decision she takes?

Have you talked about this with some one? Therapist? Have you considered calmly all your options?

How old are your other kids? Tell us more about relationship with your wife.

It is good you are reaching out, it is great place with lot of members that are in difficult and similar situations.

 
DW

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation, but you've found a supportive community that can help.  Am I understanding correctly that you see three options: abortion, adopting the baby out, or keeping the baby?  It's important that you identify how you feel about things and not allow yourself to be driven by fear, obligation, and guilt stoked by your wife.  The pregnancy is her responsibility entirely.  Your role is to identify your feelings and values, and act accordingly.

Can you tell us a little more about how you feel about the various outcomes?

RC

[SnapOnEngineer10]

Guys,

I love my wife but I know she is very ill.  I don’t know if I can keep the baby and raise it as my own.  I definitely could not do it if my wife does not get help. As for adoption, I think my wife has ruled that out entirely.  Abortion is a touchy subject. If you would ask me if I am pro-life or pro-choice, I would definitely say pro-life, but this has got me questioning that belief.I have told her that I don’t think I can raise another mans child, but I don’t know yet. She has an appointment Thursday to get one done, but is blaming me for “making her make that decision.”

[SnapOnEngineer10]

We haven’t seen a therapist together, but I have seen one individually. She says that all my feelings are normal.  My wife has cheated off and one for 3 years. When I ask why she does it she says she doesn’t know, that she is sick and trying to make herself feel better.

[Radcliff]

Are you saying that she has an appointment Thursday to terminate the pregnancy?

I can understand your reluctance to raise another man's child.  And I also understand that making important decisions with a BPDw, even talking about those decisions, can be tremendously difficult.

It's important for you to spend the next few days thinking about your values, and making sure that your actions are in line with your values.  If you are not clear on how you feel yet yourself, then it's impossible for you to provide her clarity on how you feel.

Are there any options between the extremes of taking the child to raise forever as your own, and saying you do not want the child to be born into your house?  Can you reframe your position as an expression of support for your wife, and/or say that you would nurture any child under your roof?  I'm not telling you what position to take, just asking if there is a richer set of choices than just two.

RC

[SnapOnEngineer10]

Well guys it has gotten worse. She had an abortion and now long story short had me arrested for domestic violence (I was trying to leave the house and picked her up and drug her out of the car).  She continues to talk to affair partner, but is now wanting to fix things. She never will get help for her BPD and PTSD diagnosis. So now my lawyer thinks that I need to divorce her and share all the evidence I have (lots of manic recordings). He wants me to apply for full custody of kids.  I want to be a family but maybe divorce is the only option. Maybe then she will get treatment. I am on paid suspension from work and am the household earner.

[GaGrl]

I will share an alternate story, perhaps related to "what might have been."

My DH married his first wife (uNPD/BPD) and she began affairs about 18 months into the marriage. In spite of the affairs, since they had been unable to conceive, they were discussing adoption when she became pregnant - DH thought about 90% probability by an affair partner. He said nothing, raised the son, and loves him as his his own. This son has nothing of DH in him. The older he became, the more obvious it was that he wasn't DH's bio son.

Life went on. She conceived again during a period DH was sure the child was his. Other than that, the affairs continued - constant and blatant, whether he was stationed locally or deployed - and the children were exposed to the affairs and affair partners in his absence. The knew what was going on by age 12 or so. She finally left and moved in with one of the affair partners when the youngest child was in high school.

The children went through a period of losing respect for DH until they realized how much he really had protected them over the years, and the stability he provided in contrast to her behaviors. They did question why he had not divorced her - he was unwilling to share that she had given him herpes, and he did not think anyone else would want him.

Unlike your wife, DH's ex never admitted she had any problem at all, not sure if she has had interior conversations but to the world, she presents that she is perfect and all others are wrong.

The children all have residual issues. None have sustained healthy adult relationships. All have required therapy.

DH and I married in our 50s. He had remained legally married to her for 33 years, separated for 14 years, and had CPTSD not caused by military service.

All this to say, what can you envision about your life based on playing out the scenarios you might choose? There are pros and cons to each path. The values that guide you might drive immediate decisions but are also values for the long term benefit of your health and your children's well-being.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear things have taken such a difficult turn.  How did you weather the holidays?  What's the current situation?

RC

[SnapOnEngineer10]

I am at my parents house. Things don’t seem to be going well. The court is now involved since I filed for divorce. I mentally can’t take the verbal abuse, cheating, abortions, and compulsive spending. I am very broken since I can’t see my kids, and I am worried about them. She has painted me as the bad guy and says everything is my fault. She doesn’t want a divorce though.  It’s just a waiting game now. She is also addicted to kratom which is a herb with opioid like effects. I am just playing the waiting game.  We have trial for protection from abuse which she put on me.  I feel bad for her because her mental illness has destroyed our family.

[Radcliff]

So now my lawyer thinks that I need to divorce her and share all the evidence I have (lots of manic recordings). He wants me to apply for full custody of kids.  I want to be a family but maybe divorce is the only option. Maybe then she will get treatment. I am on paid suspension from work and am the household earner.

It's very important for you to be driving this process.  Lawyers are sometimes important, but they also can increase conflict.  Courts and lawyers often take things in a direction that's not best for us.  You said you love her.  Did you come to a firm conclusion about the divorce on your own or were you following the lawyer's advice?  Do you want full custody of the kids?  Is that best for them and you?

RC