Still Seeking Validation From My Ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think some validation is necessary,  even vital.  It's the motivation which is vital to healthy interactions.  

Interesting point.    Yes, I think there is some kind of exchange of validating behaviour when speaking to any 'healthy' person in a 'typical conversation'. Of course, it can also happen with conversations with mental illness sufferers.

I mean the next part with a stress on non-confrontation--I haven't got an opinion on what's a 'wrong' or 'right' answer here.

I think pwBPDs are some of the poorest providers of validation toward their SOs, more obviously during dysregulation instances. You describe validation as sometimes vital to you--if that's the case then why not choose sources of validation that are more effective for you? After all you did mention yourself and others as sources of validation. Therefore, can you come back to the choice of receiving validation from yourself and others with more exclusion of your ex?

To make things simpler I mean validation in the narrow sense of communicating understanding and acceptance to another person. Thereby self-validation means this particular communication to the self (someone correct me if I've bootstrapped that inaccurately).

Moreover, I don't doubt you feel validated when some things happen between your ex and you, like the thought that she cares more about you than you do her. I think the issue is that you want to reduce your want of validation from this particular source.

[gotbushels]

I think some validation is necessary,  even vital.  It's the motivation which is vital to healthy interactions.  

Interesting point.    Yes, I think there is some kind of exchange of validating behaviour when speaking to any 'healthy' person in a 'typical conversation'. Of course, it can also happen with conversations with mental illness sufferers.

I mean the next part with a stress on non-confrontation--I haven't got an opinion on what's a 'wrong' or 'right' answer here.

I think pwBPDs are some of the poorest providers of validation toward their SOs, more obviously during dysregulation instances. You describe validation as sometimes vital to you--if that's the case then why not choose sources of validation that are more effective for you? After all you did mention yourself and others as sources of validation. Therefore, can you come back to the choice of receiving validation from yourself and others with more exclusion of your ex?

To make things simpler I mean validation in the narrow sense of communicating understanding and acceptance to another person. Thereby self-validation means this particular communication to the self (someone correct me if I've bootstrapped that inaccurately).

Moreover, I don't doubt you feel validated when some things happen between your ex and you, like the thought that she cares more about you than you do her. I think the issue is that you want to reduce your want of validation from this particular source.

[Turkish]

Desiring validation at the expense of one's self may point to unhealthy attachment. 

Saturday I brought the kids to a baby shower for my ex's SIL. I was invited because I had the kids.  Great food, always a draw. I showed up an hour earlier than my ex. 

The kids were playing with cousins,  running around. I was watching them,  as well as dealing with their normal conflicts. 

4 hours in,  I was sitting inside reading my phone while dipping chips into an awesome guacamole salsa. My ex asked my why I wasn't socializing. I told her that I'd said hi to everybody and had talked to her family earlier. Truthfully, these parties always bored the crap out of me. 

By dark, they had the tv on and the kids were inside playing. They got rambunctious from her point of view and she said,  "you need to control your kids!" They were playing with two of their cousins. 

I had enough.  I stood up and said,  "time to go! D6 needs to shower anyway." It was only 6PM on Saturday.  "I'm tired of having your mom btch at me." Yeah, I said that.  An older mom won mostly spoke Spanish kind of looked at me.  I said it in front of the kids.  I shouldn't have.  My ex didn't say anything (I think she caught it but didn't care). I got the kids out,  but they started serving cake outside (where the party was)  so we stayed another ten minutes while the kids consumed cake. 

I know how my ex gets.  This isn't the first time she's thrown it into my court to take the kids home on my time.  I'm wondering why I take it so personally? Why I give a  about her approval? They're her kids too.  She was frustrated by their behaviors yet punted that to me even though she's their parent as well. 

I'm even more convicted to stay home by myself on Christmas eve,  despite a kind of invite by her sister.  Stay home and drink rather than spend hours in the same room as my ex.  I suppose that puts it back on me,  why do I care what she thinks?

[Lucky Jim]

I suppose that puts it back on me,  why do I care what she thinks?

Hey Turkish, Right, that's the million dollar question, isn't it?  Usually the answer runs deeper and may derive from something else entirely.  Do you have any inkling of what that might be?  Perhaps something from your childhood or more recent past?  You might have to dive deep to figure it out.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

I said it in front of the kids.  I shouldn't have. Maybe not, but maybe you were in a situation that you were really not comfortable with. You’re just used to it at this point. Is it possible that you’re bargaining? Bargaining seems to be able to keep one stuck and aloof between other stages. Kind of a teeter-totter.

I imagine that there was some anxiety at play when you decided to leave after your ex’s comment and putting up with her mother. Digging deeper, maybe having to put up with her mother triggered some resentment in the fact that she plays a significant role in the emotional state of your ex. Regardless, you placed an immediate boundary when things didn’t feel good for you anymore. You did the right thing for you. In doing so, you set a good example of self preservation. Your kids will get it as they mature.

[Turkish]

Hey Turkish, Right, that's the million dollar question, isn't it?  Usually the answer runs deeper and may derive from something else entirely.  Do you have any inkling of what that might be?  Perhaps something from your childhood or more recent past?  You might have to dive deep to figure it out.

LuckyJim

In my almost 27 year career at three different companies, I've never taken criticism personally.  Well,  there was my first job review when my boss was on maternity leave and the director told me,  "we thought we'd toss you in to see if you'd sink or swim." 20 year old Turkish was naive about corporate life but not after that.  My previous job was food service for 4 years when I was a teen.  I never once was offended by constructive criticism. Even that director didn't shame me. 

Maybe I'm overly sensitive to shaming. Shaming doesn't focus on actions but rather who you are as a person.  When my ex said that,  I heard "you're a bad father!" I can certainly take my "father fails" if it involves me and the kids.  I'll own them and try to do better. 

I often struggle with the concept of differentiation.  I like to think I'm tough and immune to the criticism of others,  but I can't hemp but think there's a chink in my armour because I'm sensitive to certain types of criticism.  As if in certain cases I might define myself by the opinions of others.  I was raised by a mother with BPD for anyone new reading this.  She wasn't as bad as a lot of the stories on PSI, but I may also be minimizing my experiences in childhood. 

[Lucky Jim]

in certain cases I might define myself by the opinions of others.  I was raised by a mother with BPD for anyone new reading this. 

Hello again, Turkish, Well, there's your answer: you were raised by a mother w/BPD, so maybe you are extremely sensitive when someone is treating you poorly.  My BPDxW used to say all sorts of humiliating and hurtful things with the intent of wounding me.  So now I'm quite vigilant to any perceived slights.  I guess I err on the side of protecting my boundaries and these days don't take cr*p from others.

LJ