Not sure how to handle this

[Ozzie101]

I'm in a quandary over how to handle a situation with my uBPDh.

Anyone who's read my other threads knows my family is a HUGE trigger for H. He's an only child, not close to his adopted family, developing a (potentially very good) relationship with his bio family, who live 4-10 hours away. I'm from a large family that's close emotionally and geographically. He's often commented on how I'm "tied to the apron strings" and that it's strange that I do things like drive 45 minutes to visit with my elderly grandmother — not out of duty but because I enjoy her company and I know it makes her happy. Or that I like to spend time with parents and siblings. In good times, he cracks jokes. When he's in a mood, he really lashes out.

He thinks my family is snooty (because he's not a doctor or lawyer -- they really don't care), unfriendly (they're reserved at times, but I've never heard anyone call them unfriendly) and look down on him for being divorced (ignoring the fact that there are several divorced people in my close-knit extended family and no one has ever given the slightest bit of a damn about it).

Anyway, I have a teen nephew (N13) and five nieces (N11, N9, N7, N6 and N4). I was at the hospital for every birth (except N11, who came unexpectedly early). I babysat. I walked and sang them to sleep. I played with them. I remember every birthday. Again, he thinks that's "weird." A couple of times, while dysregulating, he's said it's "pathetic" that I was at the hospital when they were born. I just ignore those comments because I don't think they're true.

For a while now, I've had a tradition with the kids. For their birthday, once they turn 4 and are fully potty trained, etc., I take them out for a treat like frozen yogurt and let them pick out their present from me. It's something they and I really look forward to.

Well, H and I have been married 2 years now. So far, my two sisters with kids have not recognized SS8's birthday. H got upset about it, I agreed that if I did stuff for their kids they should at least acknowledge, so I asked them about it. Both apologized. They said they didn't know when the birthday was. Also said they were trying to take their cues from us. They didn't know how and in what way we wanted them involved in his life (in other words, didn't want to overstep or cause problems with SS8's mom and her family). I understood that. H said it was a cop-out because they don't give a damn about SS8.

To be fair, H has said many times he doesn't care about my sisters' kids. Doesn't want to know their birthdays, names, likes and dislikes. I can't think of a time he's ever said a word to any of them.

Anyway, we don't go to every family gathering. Sometimes it's a scheduling thing but sometimes it's because H really doesn't want to go. The family things stress him out. I get it. But I also know that if they don't go to things, it will take that much longer for a bond to develop. SS8 has fun when we go because there are other kids to play with. But one sister and her kids hadn't seen him in a year until a get-together a couple of weeks ago. Point being, they barely know SS8 at all. There's no bond there or closeness.

H told me he thought I shouldn't do the birthday tradition with the Ns anymore. My sisters don't do anything for his kid (they do give Christmas gifts) so we shouldn't do anything for theirs. At the time, I kind of agreed. He got me kind of worked up and I agreed it wasn't fair for SS8 to be overlooked. Also, he pointed out, he makes most of the money and he doesn't think he should have to spend his money on their kids. I could argue that I'd spend my money, but we have a joint account so that's hard to enforce. Either way, he explained that it would be a personal betrayal of him and SS8 if I did this.

But the more I think about it, the more I think this isn't right. Even if I agree my sisters are in the wrong, I don't think it's right to punish innocent kids for that. I see his point. But I also see theirs. I care about SS8 and how he's treated but everyone has been very kind to him. My parents and grandmother spend the same amount of money on him for Christmas and birthdays as they do for the bio grandkids. But he's also different. He hasn't been around since conception. And with the only other boy so much older and the other kids around his age girls, he's automatically going to be left out of some things. It would be the same if he were biologically mine.

There's not a full bond there (at least not yet). Relationships grow with time, but these situations can be complicated and it takes some trial and error too. H seems to expect everything to be automatic. I think that's unrealistic. Regardless, SS8 is an only child and an only grandchild. He gets more attention, toys and trips than any 10 kids I know his age. He's not exactly neglected. If anything, he's one of the most entitled kids I've ever met. But he's also pretty good natured a lot of the time and I haven't seen or heard any sign that he feels left out or badly treated by my family. He just enjoys playing with the kids.

At the family Christmas thing a couple of weeks ago, N7 ran up to me, all smiles, and excitedly asked when we were going to get to go for her birthday treat.

Ouch.

There's also the other element to this: A lot of his behavior regarding my family has the strong whiff of "trying to drive a wedge and separate me from them." I'm starting to see that now and am building fortifications, so to speak.

I want to continue my birthday tradition, regardless of what my sisters do. If I tell H, he will explode and will then hold it over me for the foreseeable future. If I don't tell him and he finds out, there will be hell to pay. I'm very conflicted.

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[Bnonymous]

Hi Ozzie101,

But the more I think about it, the more I think this isn't right. Even if I agree my sisters are in the wrong, I don't think it's right to punish innocent kids for that.

Exactly. Whether your sisters are in the wrong or not isn't relevant to your relationship with your nieces and nephew - they aren't responsible for their parents.

I think this may be an independent core value thing.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

From everything you say here, I think it would be really damaging to you to stop doing the birthday treats for your nieces and nephew. I'm glad you're not going to let him stand in the way of your bond and your traditions.

If I tell H, he will explode and will then hold it over me for the foreseeable future. If I don't tell him and he finds out, there will be hell to pay. I'm very conflicted.

I would tell him. And the reason I say that is because it sounds as though your relationships with your nieces and nephew are an important part of who you are and they are a source of joy and pride to you, so I think that hiding any part of this would likely make you feel miserable and like you weren't being true to yourself.

If you do decide to tell him, next question is how to tell him... .

When is N7's birthday, before or after Christmas? If it's after, then if your sisters can be gently encouraged to make a fuss over SS8 at Christmas, it might make things a little easier - what do you think?

[Ozzie101]

Unfortunately, "Christmas" has already passed for us. We celebrated with my family a couple of weeks ago, so gifts have already been exchanged. That was another source of disagreement.

When we were talking about how much to spend on gifts, I said about $20-$25 per child seemed fair. H said no, it should be per family. Meaning, if we spend $25 for each of one sister's four kids, she and her husband should spend $100 on SS8. I said no way was that fair. H insisted any other way was cheating SS.
Me: If he gets the same value gift as every other kid, how is he cheated? The only people it might be unfair to is us but you don't bean-count like that with kids. Are the kids a unit or are they individuals?
He let me have my way but I know he's unhappy about it still.

N7's birthday was a few weeks ago. I've texted both sisters to assure them I haven't forgotten. Both are understanding. Anyway, the kids are fine. As long as it happens sometime, the date doesn't matter.

Also, he told me last week that if my sisters end up sending gifts or doing something for Ss's birthday, he'll be angry because he'll know I said something to them. They'll only have done it 1) because they got called out and 2) because they're greedy and don't want their kids missing out on a gift.

They can't win and neither can I.

[Harri]

Hi Ozzie.  The only way to win a no win situation is to handle it the way that is in line with your values and what is important to you.

I would tell your husband and let him deal with his own feelings.  Having said that, if you think this will jeopardize your safety, then forget what I said.

He is not going to be happy no matter what happens and will dysregulate whether your sisters make a fuss over SS or not.  Do what is right for you.