I have lost interest in women, dating and sex

[crushedagain]

As the title states, after what I went through with my ex I have found that I do not have the desire that I had before I met her. In fact, the thought of dating and cultivating a new relationship is one of dread. I don't even want casual sex. I am not sure if this is "normal" after coming out of a toxic relationship. It has been a year since she left.

[once removed]

im not sure that its necessarily good or bad to feel this way. id pay more attention to what the feeling is telling you.

what is it telling you?

[DogMan75]

I can’t speak to what’s “normal”, but I certainly think it’s understandable and relatable.

I’ve been technically broken up for a year, but practically speaking really only since June, and I know what you mean.

I too feel that dread at the thought of getting involved again, on any level. I think it’s normal, though. I think it speaks to the strength of my bonding tendencies and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I just recognize that it might take me a while to let that biochemistry run itself out.

In the meantime, give yourself as much time as you need, get your self-care up to speed, and don’t sweat it too much. You’ll be ready when you’re ready.

[JNChell]

Hey, crushedagain. You and I are in similar boats. I’m just over a year out of my relationship as well and really have no desire to have a romantic connection at this point. I miss the sex, my ex pwBPD was amazing, but emotionally I’m not there either.

It’s ok to not want a connection. That’s you’re decision and I say good for you on doing what’s right for you now. Personally, I have a lot of reflecting and self work to do before I can even consider a new relationship. Where I’m at with myself right now will only attract what I’ve experienced thus far and I’ve decided that that isn’t acceptable to me anymore. I know what I would like in a partner, but I’m not there with myself to compliment that in a romantic interest.

There’s nothing wrong with taking time off for whatever reasons you have. The majority of our ex’s aren’t capable of being alone to take the time to self reflect. Most of them jump from relationship to relationship. They can’t give themselves the space that one needs to sort out what needs to be sorted out.

I don’t think your feelings are out of line with what you went through. The best thing you can do is, like DogMan75 said, take care of yourself. There’s no time limit.

[DogMan75]

The majority of our ex’s aren’t capable of being alone to take the time to self reflect. Most of them jump from relationship to relationship. They can’t give themselves the space that one needs to sort out what needs to be sorted out.

Exactly.

As hellish as this whole experience has been, I’m finding myself clearer than I’ve ever been about my relationship goals. Or at least, clear about what I do not wish to tolerate. I think I’m just trying to cautiously figure out how to avoid landing myself in a similar predicament again.

In the last month or so, I’ve had the first few glimmers of attraction to other women. However, after spending more time with each of these women, I’ve found myself put off for one reason or another. At first, I wondered if I was being too judgmental, too picky, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that these were legitimate red flags. I’m not talking about BPD-level  red flags, but just little hints that these might not be the best match for me.

My pre-BPD-experienced self would have given anyone a chance. Upon writing that, I realize I will still give anyone a chance, I just won’t keep piling on chances. Maybe I’m being a little stingy with them right now, but really it’s kind of amazing that I’m handing out any at all, at this point. I’m sure with time, there will be more and more.

Cliched as it is, it really does just take time. The best you can do is use that time as wisely as you can. What else can you do?

[JNChell]

Hey, DogMan75. I hear you loud and clear. I think it’s normal to be overly cautious after what we’ve been through. I had back to back relationships with two different types of the same cluster. I lost a lot of money and had a vehicle basically extorted from me between the two of them. I don’t subscribe to the red pill movement or anything extreme, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever enter the dating pool again. I’m 42 and have a Son that is turning 4 on Sunday. I’m probably not a real prospect anyway. I think I’m ok with that. I love my Son and I love raising him.  He and I are my main focus right now.

Good quote on not piling up the chances anymore. Looking back, I chased and chased and chased after a woman that was abusing me. She still does by proxy of our child, but I’m working on that. I never dreamed that it could be that bad. I’ll be honest, I’m hurt enough by the situation that it may have ruined me with women. Nothing against women, there are many, many wonderful women out there. Many of them are members here, I’m just not sure that I’ll ever be capable of getting to their level at this point. Like I said in my previous post, I’m not sure that I’ll be able to compliment them as a whole. Maybe someday, but definitely not for a while.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the responses. I guess it is somewhat "normal" given the circumstances, especially considering the struggle last fall/winter. It was awful, with crippling anxiety and insomnia, but I am over that.

I was hoping to bounce back to that feeling of excitement when considering the possibility of meeting somebody new, but it hasn't come. I guess that's a sign that I am not yet ready to date. I do yearn for the companionship, but that will have to wait.

[Lucky Jim]

I guess that's a sign that I am not yet ready to date. I do yearn for the companionship, but that will have to wait.

Hey crushed again, Like what you are saying, which in my view shows self-awareness.  There's no particular timetable.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

It was awful, with crippling anxiety and insomnia, but I am over that.

if youre feeling stronger, you might want to do some diving with us on the Learning board. looking back, i was really afraid coming out of my relationship. i had trusted my ex beyond any shadow of a doubt. i think i was not only afraid of being hurt again, but i wasnt sure i could even trust myself to protect myself, and thats a scary thought.

it took me a while to get there, but i dont have those fears anymore. i rebuilt confidence and trust in myself stronger than before, and have a better idea of what i want in relationships, in addition to what i want to avoid.

[Cromwell]

I havent lost interest but I started to notice that each round of dating accompanied with it "red flags" and little triggers from the relationship.

Ive been seeing someone new and its not serious yet but shes given the signs of wanting it to lead there. My issue is I really like her but its been a handful of things that she has said that ive latched on to as warnings. Im going to go ahead regardless and the reason is im finding it harder to find any source of risk that I could ever be hurt again. In other words - i dont see anything to lose by trying. I feel that im over a lot of hypervigilance and anxiety and noticed that triggers ive given credit to in the past, I was overstating, at least I see them differently now just as byproducts of still carrying thoughts from the relationship with my ex.

I realised I just cant continue living that way and not being in a relationship when I want to and its available, feels in a way, still victimised from afar by my ex. We are apart but I havent let go of the trauma, it still deprives me of enjoying new relationships. I really like this girl, its not for the reasons of fixing anything, but I suspect just giving her a chance is already breaching out of those self limitating thoughts and fears that have stockpiled themselves up.

[Spam591]

As the title states, after what I went through with my ex I have found that I do not have the desire that I had before I met her. In fact, the thought of dating and cultivating a new relationship is one of dread. I don't even want casual sex. I am not sure if this is "normal" after coming out of a toxic relationship. It has been a year since she left.

I can relate. I’ve been thinking a lot about that and feel the exact same way. The thought of dating sounds evacuating and uninteresting. I hope you are doing better.

[JNChell]

Hey, crushedagain. I see that your thread has some attention here. How are you feeling lately?