I need support and feel all alone in a room full of people.

[RedArt]

I am struggling to keep my relationship going.  My SO is so exhausting to live with and I'm just now beginning to understand that he is exhibiting traits of BPD.  I love him so much when he is the man I fell in love with, when he's in a rage I'm wondering what I am thinking!  The holidays are especially difficult and I feel all alone in a room full of people.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi RedArt and welcome to the board.

It is very difficult to reconcile the wonderful characteristics of our loved ones with the disordered behaviors. 

Can you tell us more about your relationship?  How long have you been together?  What sort of behaviors is he engaging that are causing the most difficulty?  How did you find out about BPD?

Sorry for all the questions.  I'm just trying to get a better feel for your situation.

Share when you can and please jump in and post, read, ask questions.  We all support each other here.

[once removed]

the "jekyll and hyde" characteristics can be hurtful, confusing, and hard to deal with.

whats going on right now?

[RedArt]

I am learning how to navigate this forum, so please bear with me.  
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5.  We dated in 2003 and parted on good terms, the time was not right.  When we reunited it was a whirlwind romance with a lot of passion.  He had meltdowns but I attributed them to his childhood.  His parents were a mess.  Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and physical abuse.  He was carted around the country so much so that he cannot tell you where he was at any given point in his childhood.  The stories pulled me in and made me appreciate the kind and compassionate person that he has become.  He is generous to a fault.  He would give you the shirt off of his back literally because he knows that he can live without one.  It's like he's two different people.  I have been in a relationship with a bipolar guy and this is different.  He does not exhibit mania, which is what I lived through before and that's a whole other story.  He has what I will refer to as meltdowns.  He becomes mean.  He knows exactly what to say to hurt me in the deepest ways.  He hits my spirituality, my relationship with my children, what my deceased parents would think of me, my professional life, my artistic life, anything an everything that I care about.  In the beginning I would just listen and take everything to heart and realize what an awful person I am.  I believed everything he said.  He's very convincing.  If he saw those things in me, it must be true.  Over time I realized that he's not speaking from reality when he's in that place.  After he calms down, or I just remove myself to another room he changes back to the kind compassion guy I know and love.  And he acts like he didn't have the meltdown at all.
He has never been physical with me, or even thrown objects around.  I have never felt unsafe.  That's a deal breaker for me and I believe he knows that.  Also, it's not who he is at his core.  I do know that in his past he has been a fighter.  He and his brother and cousins have had plenty of physical fights when he reaches his boiling point.  Seeing this situation with new eyes, I realize that his family may also exhibit traits of BPD.  
My daughter has a degree in psychology and she's working on her masters in biomedical science.  The other night he went off on her for saying, "Now what did we learn" to me when I told her about something silly I did.  He thought she was "judging" me and he let her have it.  She said, "I'm leaving now" and left the room.  Later she told me that she has been thinking that he has BPD.  Of course she cannot diagnose him, but she has been studying about the condition and others and she thought it would be a good idea if I did some research to help myself understand what could be going on.  He would never ever go to a therapist or a doctor.  He has no insurance and he has only been to the doctor a couple of times in his 42 years on this earth.  
He is an alcoholic.  I realize that that alone could be a lot of his problem, but I feel he drinks to try to get the voices out of his head.  He replays his childhood over and over.  And he also says he can't control the thoughts in his head no matter what he tries.  Lately he has said that his vision is flipping.  I'm not sure what that means but he said that one day he saw the world upside down.  It righted after a while.  I listen to him.  I try not to offer solutions because most of the time that will trigger a meltdown.  
The last meltdown was my last straw.  I am no longer just going to sit and take it anymore.  I let him have it!  I'm not sure it was the right thing to do, but I'm at my wits end.  He mentions that he thinks I was happier considering him my "non=husband" and mentioned divorce as a solution.  (he says this a lot, he gets a notion in his head and repeats it over and over)  I told him that I was so tired of hearing that and if he thinks it's the solution, lets print out the paperwork and sign it so he will shut up about it!  I asked him to quit threatening me with divorce and leaving.  This is the bottom line of his rants to me because he knows that I have issues with him leaving.  I now realize that this is actually his main issue and the is projecting that on to me.  I know that I would eventually be fine, maybe even better than I am now if he were to leave.  I believe he really took what I said to heart.  I finally removed myself and went to bed.  My daughter had left the house to go to her boyfriends house, so I felt like I could just go to bed.  He acted like there had not been an argument and he was trying to get me to hang out and listen to music.  It's really as if he never offended me at all!  He spent the next day staring at the tv.  Btw, he watched 9 out of 10 episodes of a series we watch together on that day.  He is very passive-aggressive in many ways.
I see a therapist myself to try to make sense of these episodes and the anger that is building in me.  She told me to divorce him immediately because of his medical issues and the financial devastation his issues could cause me.  I didn't like the  advice after under an hour of listening to my issues.  Divorce is not what I consider the easy way out.  I am committed to this relationship, but I want to be in a healthy mindset myself.  I am trying to get back to myself.  He is so negative about everything and everyone in the world.  I listen to him for hours daily about what is wrong in the world and people.  I'm tired and sad and lonely.  I feel defeated with no one to talk to that really understands what I'm going through.  I feel like I have become that person that everyone runs from because I'm complaining about my relationship all the time.  I'm broken!  
We have been talking about all of this this week.  When he's the guy I love he listens and encourages me to get help.  He, of course, will never seek help.  I am going to go to Al-Anon.  It's hard to find a meeting when I'm not working close by but with the break I know I can go to at least one meeting and try to find a sponsor.  I need someone that understands what I'm going through.
Btw, the other guy comes out after that one drink that puts him over the edge.  And heaven help me if I point out that when he's drunk he's mean and a totally different person!

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, RedArt!

You've come to the right place. So many people here have been through what you're going through and there are a LOT of tools and tips you can use to make your situation more bearable.

I have to say, a lot of what you wrote really rings true for me. My husband (undiagnosed) and I have been married for 2 years and, like your case, he was compassionate, kind, etc. There was occasional moodiness but that didn't bother me.

He has what I will refer to as meltdowns.  He becomes mean.  He knows exactly what to say to hurt me in the deepest ways.  He hits my spirituality, my relationship with my children, what my deceased parents would think of me, my professional life, my artistic life, anything an everything that I care about.  In the beginning I would just listen and take everything to heart and realize what an awful person I am.  I believed everything he said.  He's very convincing.  If he saw those things in me, it must be true.  Over time I realized that he's not speaking from reality when he's in that place.  After he calms down, or I just remove myself to another room he changes back to the kind compassion guy I know and love.  And he acts like he didn't have the meltdown at all.

It's good you can see that now. My H is the same way and, at first, I totally bought into what he said. He's such a good, generous man. He must be right. I must be a failure as a wife -- once during a dysregulation he even ordered me to make a list of how I'd failed. Unlike your H, though, mine has moved to physical and has broken a few objects. Never laid a finger on me, but he's threatened to so just watch out for the possibility that that could come up. The emotional and verbal stuff usually comes first.

He replays his childhood over and over.  And he also says he can't control the thoughts in his head no matter what he tries.
I try not to offer solutions because most of the time that will trigger a meltdown.  
He mentions that he thinks I was happier considering him my "non=husband" and mentioned divorce as a solution.  (he says this a lot, he gets a notion in his head and repeats it over and over)  I told him that I was so tired of hearing that and if he thinks it's the solution, lets print out the paperwork and sign it so he will shut up about it!  I asked him to quit threatening me with divorce and leaving.  This is the bottom line of his rants to me because he knows that I have issues with him leaving.  I now realize that this is actually his main issue and the is projecting that on to me.  I know that I would eventually be fine, maybe even better than I am now if he were to leave.
He acted like there had not been an argument and he was trying to get me to hang out and listen to music.  It's really as if he never offended me at all!
He is very passive-aggressive in many ways.
I see a therapist myself to try to make sense of these episodes and the anger that is building in me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is all very typical.

Divorce is not what I consider the easy way out.  I am committed to this relationship, but I want to be in a healthy mindset myself.  I am trying to get back to myself.  He is so negative about everything and everyone in the world.  I listen to him for hours daily about what is wrong in the world and people.  I'm tired and sad and lonely.  I feel defeated with no one to talk to that really understands what I'm going through.  I feel like I have become that person that everyone runs from because I'm complaining about my relationship all the time.  I'm broken!

I know it can feel so lonely and it can be absolutely exhausting dealing with it, but you don't have to be alone. The people here understand and can help. There are so many tools you can use to minimize the rages and the damage to yourself.

Are there patterns you can recognize? Specific triggers that stand out? A way you can tell when he's working himself up?

And you're not broken. The fact that you can see all this with a clear mind and see that you need to protect and help yourself shows a great deal of strength and courage.
It can get better. My situation at the moment is pretty bleak, but with realization of what's really going on and the knowledge that, while I do play a role in his ups and downs, it's not my fault has been empowering for me and I hope that it can be for you too! 

[RedArt]

I feel like a baby rejecting the notion that I have to always be the better person, hide my feelings when I'm down and always be the faithful cheerleader.  I work really hard with teens and sometimes I need some encouragement.  I have a relationship to hopefully balance life out.  I am a great cheerleader, but sometimes I need some positive reinforcement.  Please, someone tell me that it's possible for a BPD person to encourage their partner.  I'm reading about codependency, maybe that's my problem. 

[Harri]

Hi RedArt.  Thanks for sharing more of your story with us.  It helps to have more details.

Are you going to continue with the therapist your mentioned or will you try another one?  I ask because sometimes you have to meet with a couple before finding a good fit and it does not sound like she is a good one for you and what you want.

I feel like a baby rejecting the notion that I have to always be the better person, hide my feelings when I'm down and always be the faithful cheerleader.  I work really hard with teens and sometimes I need some encouragement.  I have a relationship to hopefully balance life out.  I am a great cheerleader, but sometimes I need some positive reinforcement.  Please, someone tell me that it's possible for a BPD person to encourage their partner.  I'm reading about codependency, maybe that's my problem.

This is a hard reality to come to terms with.  There will be times when your need will not be met that you will have to be the better person and manage your feelings.  Having appropriate expectations, between the BPD limitations as well as the alcohol abuse, is important.  People have done it though.  It takes time, hard work and focusing on you but things can get better for you.

We have an article here that you might find useful to read through.  It is about the Do's and Don'ts in a BPD and can give you an idea of what to focus on for yourself.  See what you think and let us know.

[once removed]

we do understand. youre not alone.

and there is hope. ive seen some of the worst cases turned around. ive seen members go from a place of hopelessness to empowerment.

I feel like a baby rejecting the notion that I have to always be the better person, hide my feelings when I'm down and always be the faithful cheerleader.  I work really hard with teens and sometimes I need some encouragement.  I have a relationship to hopefully balance life out.  I am a great cheerleader, but sometimes I need some positive reinforcement. 

it sounds like you could really use some support. i hope that we can be that for you.

has the alcoholism always been a problem in the marriage?

[RedArt]

In the beginning I enjoyed the drinking together.  It didn't trigger him in the beginning.  I thought we were having fun.  I have never had alcoholic tendencies, I can take it or leave it.  He has cut way back on his drinking because I don't indulge anymore.  But sometimes he drinks one drink too many and he becomes angry.  He was raised a drinker.  His whole family drinks.  He will say that he will never stop.  It is becoming an issue because I see it affecting our relationship and his health.  We have talked about it together.  I can see him slowing down.  I usually don't mention it because I know that I can't make him stop, and I know that I could make it much worse by pointing it out.  
Last night we were playing pool and he stopped drinking really early.  He was drinking water.  He said that the water was going to kill him (he choked on it)  He kept mentioning that he was drinking water.  I think maybe he needed me to recognize his effort.  I told him it was great for a change!  The night went smoothly.  I really think that he's trying a different approach because I told him that the Grinch needed to leave for once during the holidays.  He even listened to my daughter about her work without any mean comments (he always has questions he says)
I'm trying the encouragement approach.  I think it's helping me to see the good in things too.  

[once removed]

that sounds like a positive development. how did the holidays go?