Demanding daughter

[Isanni]

Even when she's not home (she's on vacation with a friend), my daughter either ignores us (our Merry Christmas messages and calls) or is demanding things (TURN THE LTE ON NOW! I NEED XXXX LTE NOW!). The latest demand comes after my telling her yesterday she had 'only' 2GB left in the account. She used it up in one day. Is it terrible to just ignore her? Even while not with us, she manages to ruin our mood. She says untrue things about me and my husband to the school counsellor and mental health professionals. I don't recognize this kid anymore. The rudeness, the hate, the disrespect is endless. Most mental health professionals have been inadequate - one young social worker told my 14-year old that she didn't have to attend family therapy if she didn't want to and her partner psychiatrist suggesting a private$$ group home. This is after me and my husband set a condition for her holiday abroad with her friend - must attend family therapy to which she agreed. And the school counsellor is apparently helping my kid with emancipation (never know though as she tends to lie a lot now... .) I'm sick of reading the books - half way through stop walking on eggshells - yet don't have the competency to manage my child.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Isanni

Welcome to bpdfamily  I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with your daughter and glad you've reached out for support. That's a lot you've got going on, and on top your daughter being told different advice by different professionals must be really confusing for everyone. Do you have a BPD specialist advising you on her treatment, is there a recommended plan? Is that what a private group home is - an RTC? (I'm in the UK, not familiar with the term).

The latest demand comes after my telling her yesterday she had 'only' 2GB left in the account. She used it up in one day. Is it terrible to just ignore her?

I'd not ignore her, that's what you say she does and will perpetuate, escalate. Do you give an allowance for her to manage and she's struggling with doing that?

I don't recognize this kid anymore. The rudeness, the hate, the disrespect is endless.

It's overwhelming and hard not to take it personally and a challenge to understand what's driving the behaviours, so while your sick of reading books, you are doing the right thing. Take it in your own time, it helps to stand back and have a simple plan, what do you see as your priority?

Hang in there, things can get better 

WDx
 

[Huat]

Hello Isanni

I've been reading your posts and understand your frustration.  Sounds like your daughter has taken the reins and she is running with them.  She is in control and therefore has no need to change.  The change is going to have to start with you.

I am in a much older age bracket than you.  Our daughter is 52 now and she started acting out when she was 12.  When times were good, they were very, very good... .but she could change in a nano-second, sometimes cutting us out of her life for months.  All leaving us to wonder what the heck happened.  I, her Mom, have been her heroine one minute, her nemesis the next.   We allowed ourselves to be held hostage by her in fears of losing contact with her children, our only 2 grandchildren.

It took me way too long to get a grip on our situation.  Coming to this forum truly helped me to make changes.  Also, the signs were there... .her verbal abuse escalating... .warnings from a counsellor that verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse when I would be less able to defend myself.

Bottom line Isanni, the longer your daughter calls the shots, the more entrenched  in her behaviours she will get.  Sometimes the best love you can give a child is "tough love." 

Have you, yourself, ever gone to counselling to get help on how to better deal with your daughter?  If you found the right counsellor, he/she would be worth their weight in gold... .helping you to become empowered to start making much-needed changes.  (That is "empowered" - not "in power"... .a big difference.)

By all means, I hope you become a regular here, too.  There is so much information available on this website with links to more.  On top of that, the other members here act as your sounding board.  We really do learn from each other here... .and the support that is offered along the way is so validating.  No judging - but some nudging.

Overnight changes will not happen, Isanni.  It will take work on your part... .a lot of work... .and you will have to be patient with babysteps.  Any changes you make will be recognized by your daughter... .a shift in her axis.  That will probably not make her happy but I really don't think she is happy now.  She needs boundaries set.

Once again, glad you found us Isanni.  I really hope this is the beginning of better days for you... .and your daughter.

Huat

[Isanni]

Thank you for your comments.
It's reassuring to know that tough love is okay. I'm finding it difficult to keep in mind she experiences emotions at a level that I don't. Same situation and she'd be a 10 and I'd be a 1. So I have to keep this in mind while getting back control. She is getting more intense as we partner to deliver this tough love via holding her accountable and following through. (in terms of the phone data, I had warned her two days before she had only 2 GB left, so it would be wrong to give in and buy her more, especially since the family she is vacationing with said they would prefer she not be on the phone and purposely have no wifi available to the kids. And if I don't ignore it, she sends 40 texts about it... .) It's hard to believe that she is so smart and cannot realize she processes events and emotions differently (causing her pain) and then doesn't have the ability to take  a step back and be totally open to people teaching her different ways. She's high IQ.
We don't have a BPD expert where I live. There's a workshop for teens starting next month on DBT - once a week but I don't think the facilitator is a life long expert in it either. Even her individual therapist is not very tunured, has no kids... .My family therapist is very experienced but not with borderline - she does give great advice around loving but structured parenting. So if my daughter can't pull out of hate mode soon, I'm exploring a live-in program in the US. My fear though is that she'd feel abandoned, given up on if we send her (even though she keeps saying she's going to do anything to go to a group home... ). We'd be able to visit and work with her only once a week - it's a 5 hour drive - unless we do it over the summer and live in the same city for the min 42 days the program requires.
Thanks again - feel much better about the tough love. 

[Only Human]

Hi Isanni,

I join others welcoming you to BPD Family. Having a community of members to brainstorm with has been a great help to me. I'm glad you're here, talking this out with us.

And if I don't ignore it, she sends 40 texts about it

I'd imagine that would be exhausting, not to mention time-consuming. As you say, even when she's not with you, she's affecting your mood.

Can you give the gist of how these text conversations go? It can be helpful to know so that you can work on some boundaries regarding communication. We can help with that, keeping in mind that boundaries are more about our own values, how we will act/respond, rather than asking someone else to change their behavior.

Again, welcome to BPD Family - I'm glad you're here.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I'm back with a link about setting boundaries. Have a look and let us know if you have any questions or comments.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

~ OH

[Huat]

Hello back to you, Isanni.

First of all... .kudos to those parents who your daughter is vacationing with in that they are restricting wifi access to the kids.   

As I previously wrote to you, I am from another generation and I, along with other "old fogies", are shaking our heads at what "socializing" is considered to be now.  I remember, not too long ago, looking at old photos with another young family member and reminiscing.   It was sad, indeed, to hear her say, "You guys had way more fun in those days."  Yes, my child, we did... .and you could too if you took your eyes off the ever-present "device" that constantly takes up the use of one of your hands.

Oh!  I digress!

Good to read in your post that you are seeing a family therapist.  Even though she/he may not be a "BPD expert"... .a lot of the time it is just about common sense... .maybe helping you to see more clearly that some of the behaviours your daughter displays are just not right... .spur you on to being empowered to make changes.

I want to point out one of the features on this website.  It is the ability to look back on the history of other members.  Once logged in, you can click on anyone's name.  From there you can see all their previous posts. 

The reason I am telling you, and other Newbies, about this is because you can sometimes see how changes have come about in those members' lives and their relationships with the BPD'ers in their lives.   There are some very interesting posts from the members above who have responded to you in this thread  (Wendydarling & OnlyHuman)... .only 2 of all who are here, are also "in the trenches" and really can speak from experience.

Hope you stick with us, Isanni. 

Huat