What helps you detach?

[CryWolf]

 Detaching is probably one of the hardest stages in recovering from a breakup or discard.

I experienced night sweats, obsessive thoughts, withdrawals, even cut myself once when I couldn’t distinguish feelings... it gets scary. You don’t know who you are or whats happening. In my case I was coming off an addiction.

I believe that keeping oneself busy and immersing in personal improvement that detaching gets easier. You can’t put a time limit so please don’t rush the process.

Here are some things I did to detach:
-visit old locations we frequented together.
-eat at restaurants alone
-carry random conversations with strangers
-gym
-therapy/Counceling
-new hobby (I got into photography)
-hiking alone
-hang out with people I never thought I would
-new clothes
-new music
-read/learn

There is so much to list, but here are some that helped me in the span of one year after my breakup.

What has helped you all? Please feel free share, you never know who may benefit from this

[Sirnut]

Yes, detaching is hard and takes time.

Things that have helped me have been:

Counseling - talk it through, try to find a coherent understanding of what happened, as far as that is possible. I’ve found that a skilled counsellor who is a good listener has helped greatly with this.

Friends/family - don’t over burden them, but tell them enough to let them know you need some support. You might be surprised at how much support is on offer. That’s been my experience anyway.

Purposeful activity - there’s an old saying that you can’t beat something with nothing. So find something worthwhile to focus on instead of the grief and loss. For me it was a new volunteering activity, but it could be work related, a hobby, or anything.

All this is easier said than done I know, but these are things I’ve found helpful so far.

[JNChell]

Hey, CryWolf. Good topic. Thanks for starting the thread. I hope finals are going well for you.

I agree, detaching has been the hardest part in all of this. Realizing that I have a lot of work to do in regards to my childhood has compounded it. No pity party, it is what it is, but it has been rough. I share a Son with my ex so being able to completely detach, which I would like to do, isn’t an option. Our little guy will turn 4 tomorrow.

What has helped me out so far?

-This support group and it’s members. This place is invaluable. I was met with empathy, compassion and warmth here when I feared judgement. I don’t think I’ll ever leave this group. I’ve learned so much about myself here in just a year’s time. I haven’t found support and resources that are available here anywhere else, and I’ve done plenty of searching.

-My ex has helped me to detach. Sharing a child with her has been difficult, to put it mildly. She has weaponized him more times than I can count. Abuse by proxy. The thought of using a child against the other parent simply doesn’t register with me. I think it’s cruel, destructive and selfish. If the parents have beef with another, don’t involve the child. Protect him from it. I will always love my ex at a certain level because she’s the mother of our child. I saw her birth him, but I can’t let that cloud my vision anymore. It’s done. It is 100% over.

-My psychologist. She’s pretty great. She specializes in trauma and is very experienced. I’ve been pretty stuck lately and she’s always patient with me. I always look forward to my appointments.

-My best friend. We’ve been friends for roughly 20 years. When things went South for the last time between my ex and I, he took me into his home. He and his Son’s allowed me to stay there while I worked through the damage. There was a lot of it.
His family is wonderful.

-Raising our Son on my time. I wish that I could raise our Son by his mother’s side with love and happiness, but that isn’t possible. I wasn’t allowed to be a parent when we were together. I am now since she can’t dictate things on my time. Sometimes his behavior isn’t the best when I initially receive him, but he adjusts fairly quick. I try to give him a calm, quiet and peaceful atmosphere when he’s with me. He seems to settle right into it, even after bad meltdowns.

You’re right, CryWolf. Detaching is very hard. I’m glad that you started this thread.

[once removed]

learning that having opposing feelings was "okay", and learning to hold them without judgment.

i guess on some level i used to believe that if someone wrongs/hurts me, that theyre supposed to be dead to me, that im supposed to feel nothing toward them, and if i felt any pain over my loss, something was wrong with me.

that sure seems exhausting now. i spent a lot of days trying to tear down my ex in my head and build myself up, believing that was the only way to "get over it" and it just... .didnt work. if i had a hard day, id be telling myself i needed to be stronger, that i needed to be past this and done with her.

thank god i let go of that. i gave myself permission to miss my ex. she was in my life for six years, and was my girlfriend for three. of course i missed her, and of course i had feelings for her. on top of that, no, i wasnt prepared to completely let her go until i was, even if simultaneously, part of me knew that our breakup was for the best. additionally, i think i was afraid to admit to myself that i had been badly hurt, and i was wounded. it made me feel small, and powerless. the truth is, any loved one or close person in our lives has the ability to hurt us, and make us feel that way, and to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves, rather than fight it, is strong and self aware. lastly, i did have no shortage of negative thoughts toward my ex, and i did see her in a pretty bad light... .she did some things that made respecting her pretty difficult, so she did not belong on a pedestal.

grief is complex. dont fight losing battles. embrace all of the aspects, acknowledge and probe all of the feelings, without judgment.

[JNChell]

once removed . You’re a senior member here. You’ve walked many members down the right path. Can we do that for you? I don’t have much else to offer today. My mind is on overload with other things. I want to help you because you helped me.

[Cromwell]

well its safe to say that she is no longer on my Christmas card list, last year included - that helped.

To reiterate JNChell at what I consider the crux of my detaching - other people - principally the hundreds of people here over the course of time that have been the source of compassion, kindness, hints and tips, joy - acknowledging a big picture interdependence that the more I acknwoledged it, (after first getting mentally stabilised) the more I saw a big world out there, leading on to dating again, making new friendships, finding new goals and pursuits.

I hesitate to package this together and say "my" recovery or getting "my" life "back" - it is different, I feel that the relationship I had was not a match, it was on both sides trying to fulfill needs, selfishly. My wanting to make her lot in life better, didnt sit well, isnt really me, if I want to help others im doing a far better job at it now that I "failed" in that relationship.

there is no "i" in team, but I just couldnt see "team" regardless of how much I loved her and seeked the genuine reciprocation - its rooted in something deeper than a love for a single person, I wasnt allowed to share myself with anyone else, which isnt love but suffocation and controlling.

I feel guilt, rightfully so, to those who loved, friends I had, the rest of the dynamics of my life that were put on hold and neglected, in order to adapt and pander to her needs. I feel guilty how seriously ill the relationship made me before I found the self esteem to say "enough", and put an end to the torment. So guilt helped to detachment, but excluding 'guilt' for her, which so many profess from time to time in their feelings and barriers to moving on. I feel guilty about working in a healthcare setting, whilst not fully being able to concentrate on the needs of those I had a responsibility to, full attention to their plight - because I was simultaneously trying to hold on to and not lay to rest, emotional baggage.

In short, my life is infinitely more expansive than that crummy little relationship, I just had to break free from it to regain that perspective and start reliving it to notice the difference again.

Last year I bought a cake on her birthday for myself, to celebrate she was gone - that helped - at the time. This year, I wont. Whats important here is the transition, getting better over time, detach as a verb, it will be different for all of us but at the same time we share a similar goal, what helped the most was to believe in it, not be tempted to go back on it and put the work in to get there.

nothing got better until I got fresh perspectives from others to start to look at where I was going wrong, this site has been here since late 90s, i placed my hope and nothing more that id somehow get help in the midst of not fully understanding what even was wrong. The over riding goal here is not simply a detachment but getting towards living a normal, fulfilling and happy as possible life that just wasnt possible with her in it, it was tried and tested, didnt work, it is pointless to look back with the exception of leveraging to draw on experience when needed for the here and now.

but as CryWolf said, this was something I dont think I could rush the process either, and that is - with - the help of so many. Just a good thing that I didnt have to do it alone and neither does anyone else (hint: hello Lurkers - as I once was reading JNChell's story and got that starting hurdle out the way that I didnt need to - 3 years with her was more than enough time of non expression) how could she love me and simultaneously declare to 'know' me? She knew nothing about me, thats why detaching is easy, I never lost anything that I never had, true emotional intamicy involves expression, not appeasing or pandering to support the image she wanted me to be for her.

[JNChell]

The over riding goal here is not simply a detachment but getting towards living a normal, fulfilling and happy as possible life that just wasnt possible with her in it, it

Amen, Cromwell.

[MeandThee29]

I realized not long ago that I accepted the love I felt I deserved. I felt like I deserved all that happened. Ouch.

Once I grasped that, I realized that I had to do things to replace all that. I journal a lot and hang out with positive friends and talk about everything but what happened. So I have positives in my life and people who love me for being a mess at times.

I have multiple jobs right now, but one is very positive despite being a real drudge at times. The boss there is very balanced. When he corrects you, he's to the point and clear. But he also freely praises, and genuinely likes the people he works with. That has helped me handle criticism better and feel like I have something to offer. He knows nothing of my story, but I'm thankful for that job and a good supervisor.
 

[SlothMaiden]

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I have gained a lot of perspectives here to help with my detachment. It's kinda jumbled lately especially with panic attacks.

The first thing that helped me a lot with detaching is this website. The tools here help me since I was still in conflicts, trying to bettering the r/s and it made me know that there is a process call detachment. People here have been helping me throughout the process so far. I may not be together with him that long but it was intense and the pain is real no matter how short our r/s is. No one here would invalidate me. That's the best part and I'm going to get better and be better person, all thanks to the support here.

The second asset that helps with my detachment is guilt, like Cromwell said here:

I feel guilt, rightfully so, to those who loved, friends I had, the rest of the dynamics of my life that were put on hold and neglected, in order to adapt and pander to her needs. I feel guilty how seriously ill the relationship made me before I found the self esteem to say "enough", and put an end to the torment. So guilt helped to detachment, but excluding 'guilt' for her, which so many profess from time to time in their feelings and barriers to moving on.

The path of my detachment is motivated by the guilt I feel for myself. I always knew I would not be fully happy staying with him but I didn't want to admit it because I got stuck with the image of how he was perfect for me. I do feel the guilt for him sometimes that I probably didn't do enough to ease his fear of abandonment or his insecurities or that I dragged him into my personal issues but I learned that now that it's not my role to do it nor it was my fault we had codependency r/s.

The third thing that also helps is that I allow myself to feel and not be vengeful to my ex. Just like once removed stated:

learning that having opposing feelings was "okay", and learning to hold them without judgment.

i gave myself permission to miss my ex.

I miss him all the time and I miss the good time with him. It brought smile to me sometimes. But I also know that all of his actions held no meaning to him in the same way I felt. It was just idolization phrase he exhibited, it was not true connection or love. I no longer push the lingering, longing feeling away but embrace it as part of me and my process.

The fourth thing is my ex himself. Similar to JNChell, my ex helped me (unintentionally) to detach from him by exhibiting all the bad side of him. The things that I couldn't stand for like names calling, emotional & verbal abuses, belittling, disrespecting. While I no longer tearing him apart in my mind in the bad way, I still remember how frightful & hopeless & depressed when I was with him, sitting on the bed, listening to him lecturing me, calling me bitch to his friend and throwing things. It reminds me that detachment is meant for me to get away from bad influence and treatment in my life.

The fifth thing is exercising. I found that when I push myself through workout, it materializes my process into something I can physically feel. Everyday's a challenge and when I finish it, I feel proud to myself that I've stepped into a better life and another step away from my breakup.

The sixth thing is my BFF. She's the only one who understands and knows everything and I know she's not going to turn it against me, unlike my FoO.

The final thing (right now) is being mindful. To find the causes of my misery, suffering, anger & angst. I prefer "Zen" approach right now it helps me understand myself and detach from the r/s in more productive way.

[MyBPD_friend]

I miss this toxic woman for the good qualities in her.
I think of her a lot.
I enjoy and appreciate the love of my wife and my children.

How I detached?
I got new phone number and sent her a good bye letter in April.

Never heard from her again.

[mims]

Much of the above is helping me aswell.
Being active, both physically and mentally. Exercise and journal. Acceptance of all feelings. This is very important.

Acceptance of the disorder as something I cannot understand or control or change. This one is difficult.

Stay focused. My emotions and instincts are sometimes counter to what I want and need. Have healthy strategies for handling weak moments. Reading my journal of how things actually were is helpful. 

Although talking and sharing is tremendously helpful, talking to the right people is more important. My ex's behaviour (gaslightning) really messed with my perception of reality and ability to trust people. I was very sensitive to invalidating questions from others.

For sleepless nights I often listen to podcasts about abuse and mental health issues. Comforting and educating.
 

[JNChell]

Acceptance of the disorder as something I cannot understand or control or change. This one is difficult.

I’m with you here, mims. It’s quite confusing. You’re sitting on the hard part of this. I’m sitting there too, and the gravel of this landscape is making my rear end soar and my legs are falling asleep. Maybe it’s time for a walk to limber up.

My emotions and instincts are sometimes counter to what I want and need.

I’ve found this to be very true. I’ve found a lot of help and support on the PSI (parent, sibling, inlaw) board for this. This is an amazing place. I think that I’ve recently made a new breakthrough in realizing just how deep this place goes. I guess that I see it like this. We can go as deep as we choose to here, and are always met with warmth and understanding. That’s something that is taking some getting used to for me, but it’s starting to feel pretty good.

Although talking and sharing is tremendously helpful, talking to the right people is more important.

Copy that! It’s hard to find folks that genuinely understand this stuff. Or care to for that matter. Nothing against anyone, because this is confusing stuff and would be hard to grasp by someone who was never exposed to it. Honestly, I’m glad that most people haven’t been exposed to this stuff. What would society look like?

For sleepless nights I often listen to podcasts about abuse and mental health issues.

I do the same. I’m trying to fit music back into my realm a bit more. It’s part of who I really am. My identity. I’ve been consumed with all of this stuff for quite some time and it’s been taking up a lot of mental and emotional real estate. Basically, I’m tired and I want to start giving back to myself a bit. I’m at a point where I realize that I need some rejuvenation.

How about you, mims?

[Cromwell]

Ive only recently started to listen to audio lectures throughout the day, in between going places or in quiet moments, Ive really noticed how helpful it has been because it was always the nothing to do moments, or commuting, where I started to ruminate. Music didnt really work to well for me because it was too emotive laden, it would depend on the song, but I listen to audio books and have to pay attention and even if I woud daydream for a few seconds and ruminate, my attention would snap back to my earphones soon in order to catch up and not miss important parts, this definitely broke what otherwise could have been a cycle of thoughts. I think earphones work particularly well rather than speakers, it is more immersive and forces more attention. Distraction can work/has worked so that eventually the strength and repetition of the memories waned into the background as they werent being recalled as frequently.

Some stuff works for each of us, meditation i think actually made it worse than better.

any trampolinists here? ive heard its impossible to be depressed whilst trampolining but id theorise in addition its hard to ruminate too. if it works it is a good compound way of getting exercise as well, I dont have a garden but id give it a try if I did.
it

[Skip]

What has helped you all? Please feel free share, you never know who may benefit from this

Letting go of hope.

I think many of us suffer to detach because deep down there is a ray of hope... .or even the thought that there will be justice for the injustice.

There was a song years ago by the Cranberries - No Need to Argue Anymore. It's about letting go.

When we truly let this go, there will be detachment.

[mims]

I’m trying to fit music back into my realm a bit more. It’s part of who I really am. My identity. I’ve been consumed with all of this stuff for quite some time and it’s been taking up a lot of mental and emotional real estate. Basically, I’m tired and I want to start giving back to myself a bit. I’m at a point where I realize that I need some rejuvenation.

Some stuff works for each of us, meditation i think actually made it worse than better.
[... .]
I dont have a garden but id give it a try if I did.

Thanks for these reminders! Engaging in what makes me feel wholesome and happy. I have always read a lot. It feels like a part of who I am. I get reminded of that when I read to my daughter. It calms me down. I am also tired of engaging with this but not yet at stage when I can let go of that. Having some kind of schedule, slots for excess ruminating might be an option? If one could make that work.

A little OT but it reminds me of a strategy I had when was trying to work on our r/s. We used to meet at specfic times and and go for walks in the forest and talk. And then we went to our separate homes and I tried to not discuss problems outside of those slots. Well, things didn't work out anyway but I think it was helpful.

I had a garden and I miss it. Growing stuff, from seed to plants, is rewarding and fullfilling in so many ways. Even weeding works as a kind of mindfullness.

Something else that comes to mind is the importance of other healthy relations. I had a discussion with some friends shortly after we had broken up. We had different opinions on a subject I remember being surprised and relieved that our discussion didn't turn into a fight because of this and that we were able to talk and discuss a subject the way people usually do.

[once removed]

Growing stuff, from seed to plants, is rewarding and fullfilling in so many ways.

oh, for sure. i think that both literally and metaphorically, its good for the soul to decorate their environment. it attracts positive people, too.

[conflicted55]

Ill health is helping me detach. Not being mobile due to an injury. Having an infection so not having the energy to invest in pursuing the xuBPDgf. Sadly this means I cant exercise so I am enjoying body massages to get rid of toxins and to unwind.

Netflix has been my main distraction. Scrabble with a friend in a pub with a warm fire has been another distraction. (Alcohol played its part in the beginning to help deaden the pain). Reading up on BPD and NPD. Pinterest quotes on emotional abuse, narcissists, BPD, splitting, defence mechanisms etc. I bought an Alexa Echo which has helped as I am not home alone ;) As I had mainly lived at hers with her and the dog... .its lonely back at mine. But like other posters have noted... .I am shocked at how the r/s took over my life... .and my real life disappeared. Reading, listening to my music, watching the tv progs that I wanted to watch, in general doing what I enjoyed doing. My life had become very controlled by her and we watched what she wanted to watch, went to bed when she wanted to go to bed... .and I am ashamed to say I became her cook, cleaner, dog walker, shopper. Anything to keep the peace.

Acknowledging that I became codependent and putting my life on hold whilst focusing on hers as there was always one drama or another. But also acknowledging that in focusing on her stuff meant I did not have to deal with my stuff. (Which is all nicely waiting for me to deal with now... .now when I am unwell, and dont have the energy or the motivation.)

I question whether I will ever detach fully as she is will be driving past my house at least once a week to visit her parent. But it is early days.

[CryWolf]

Glad to hear the wonderful methods and approaches you all are taking in detaching.  

I’m so proud of all of you. Detaching is such a difficult thing to do. Today I found myself thinking of her again. But I didn’t let her stay for long. Cried a few tears.

The triggers become less and less over time.
Netflix and YouTube definitely played its part in helping me. I drowned myself in narc/BPD/get ur back back videos on YouTube for so long. I still occasionally watch just for knowledge at this point. (Be aware of who you watch).

I’ve made so many friends that I’m always out and about now.

I’m still trying to find who I am and be myself again. Be gentle with yourself.

I bought a succulent plant recently and it died... .I forgot to take care of it due to finals. Merp

[Red5]

... .YouTube definitely played its part in helping me. I drowned myself in narc/BPD/get ur life back back videos on YouTube for so long. I still occasionally watch just for knowledge at this point.

(Be aware of who you watch).

Yup, that's me right now, .at day 28 minus 13 of the 'breakup'... .if I'm not listening to "Egg Shells" (audio book) on YouTube... .over and over again, at certain time markers, among many other BPD/npd 'centric' You Tube channels... .yeah; on my iPhone, on the iPad, in the jeep, on my computer at home, and also at work   yeah... .endless articles, stories and videos... .it has pretty much consumed me since November the 15th.

Now keep in mind, I started this on Christmas eve of 2016, after she ripped the Christmas tree down in a BPD rage... .yeah : (  

... .that's when I started to "look" for the "reason why"... .but since she's moved out (13 days ago now), and I do consider this time to be quite permeant... .I'm now "binging" on BPD/npd information/videos/write-ups

I even take my iPhone to the head, and also into the shower, video playing so I can listen continuously... .likes its a friggen oxygen mask or something  

I think they call this "ruminating"... .

Yeah, in the jeep (uconnect), or even here at work... .as I'm typing this... .its 24/7 "validation", deconstruction, .post mishap investigation... .

(Be aware of who you watch).

... .yes, I have been partaking of some of the 'arsenic' on the You Tube, not going to tell you which venues, sites,  ... .but I think I need to hear it... .some of these would be labeled as "junk psychology" here on BPDfam... .but as I stated, I need the 'hard stuff' right now(?).

... .its like when your puppy dog gets heartworms, one of the treatments/medicines administered, if its a bad enough case; is a type of (mixture) of arsenic to cure the puppy dog of the dreaded and deadly heartworms... .and it can even be damaging long-term to the dog's heart, but it will save his life... .same thing to me?... .ie' slapping myself in the face to 'wake up' out of my "stupor"... ."cognitive dissonance"... ."fog"... ."codependence"... ."caretaker/rescuer" mode.

I've got a ways to go, eleven years downrange, and almost eight of those spent married to her... .I have a lot of "self-work" to do, and as well "reconfiguration of my life"... .all the while keeping up my life responsibilities, ie' my autistic Son... .career, .so forth and so on.

Thanks for listening, and what a great thread !

Red5

[zachira]

Travel to the most culturally opposite places I can find
Learn a new language
Help others
Read a good book
Get lots of exercise
Get a massage
Take care of my body and appearance
Meditate and observe my feelings for 30-60 minutes a day
Eat well
Slow down and observe what is really going on with me and him when I am in the presence of the person I am trying to detach from.

[JNChell]

zachira, those are great examples on how to detach. Chores and rearranging household items are also effective. Cooking and eating the foods that we choose. Arranging the cupboards to our liking. Settling down in the evening to quiet.

[Beneck]

I'm glad you've made this thread. I actually wanted to post here way back but couldn't find the time/mood to do. But today's different.

Walking/exploring help a lot. I like to go to mountains, bigger or smaller by the city, and generally visiting places I haven't visited for. Even a small thing such as going inside a abandoned house/structure really helps.

Crying really helps. Ok I know this might sound very weird. But at least for me, whenever I do cry about the seperation, I feel a lot better afterwards, almost like having a made a very big step towards acceptance.

Martial arts help quite a lot. Sadly I don't have the luxury right now to go to a club (which I've wanted to do for a long time) but I'm sure it'll help a great deal.

Doing little things for myself, being assertive or functional in general also acts as little reminders that life is ok and that I'm doing well, even if I hurt.

Meditation also helps quite a lot, though I'm not disciplined enough to do it regularly. Walking however does provide similar benefits.

Watching movies really helps as well. I think I should try to watch more of those, even if I don't exactly feel like it :p

[JNChell]

Hey, CryWolf.   Maybe you’re feeling the residual affects of not getting any real closure, or maybe you’re just missing the woman that you met. Obviously, I’m projecting here and assuming. I miss my ex a lot. I miss who I met, but who I met wasn’t who I had a child with. The non closure only leads to speculation and assumptions about ourselves. At least when we’re not confident and comfortable enough in our own skin to accept that what is done, is done. Again, I’m speaking from my POV. I hope that your finals are going well. Let the tears roll as they come.

[Red5]

CryWolf wrote;... .bought a succulent plant recently and it died... .I forgot to take care of it due to finals. Merp

I had a twelve year old “money plant”... .I had / had it since before I’d even met uBPDw... .it was quite a sight  

I’d taken very good care of it all these years, it was pretty cool looking... .I pruned it, shaped it, and applied water and fertilizers to make it thick and “stout”.

Last August... .’or was it September... .don’t quite remember when now... .uBPDw destroyed it in one of her rages ; (

She smashed the pot it had been in across the back patio... .and then ripped it to shreds... .and threw the entire mess across the back yard... .

Now that she is gone, I want to find “another”... .money plant that is, to take the place of the one that was destroyed.

... .and she never said she was sorry, or apologized... .it was all flushed down the memory hole... .

Red5

[crushedagain]

Only time has helped me. I had no choice in the matter, she left me. I would say that while time may not heal all wounds, it sure lessens the pain of them.

It was debilitating at first, caused horrific sleep disruptions and insomnia, night terrors, anxiety, etc., but I got past that. Very sloowwwwwly I might add, but I did get past it.

I do eat healthy and get exercise, but I don't find that my diet really does as much for me as I had hoped, but I still stick to it, though I started to eat some ice cream again after cutting out sugar for a time.

I sometimes wonder when I'll ever feel "good" again after this toxic relationship I just went through.

[Tsultan]

Perfect topic for me as I ran into my exBPDbf a week ago and it caused a great deal of pain again.

Try not to take the behavior personally.  hate the disorder not the people.

Praying for him helps me.  "bless him, heal me" is one of my favorites.

Do good things for myself.  ie; go for a walk in nature, cook a meal, take a bath, get a massage, call a friend, watch a movie, ride my horse.

visit this website and read posts is very essential for me now.  It puts me back on track to reality of this difficult  disorder and the dynamics that take place.

talk, write, laugh with my friends.

Remember why I am leaving this person to begin with.  Remember all the negative crap that goes along with the person and not just the positives.  It's easy to forget the crap.

Honor my feelings of pain which can be very incredibly intense.  This is a grief like no other that I have felt. and I have been through a lot.  Both parents have died, my first husband took his own life, my brother died, and I grieved a 24 yr marriage.  I am astonished at the level of pain this r/s has brought me.  Not only while we were together but also since the 8 mos we have been apart.  It was a rubber band relationship together and apart for 3 1/2 years.  Now that it's finally over it's hard to really accept it because of the rubber band pattern we had.  I think my brain is wired to not fully accept that it's not over.  Plus, a part of me thinks, he'll never find anyone who would tolerate that crap he dishes out so he'll always come back to me.  honest feelings. 

A lot of his stuff he did I was able to detach from.  I knew it wasn't me.  I have a pretty strong sense of self.  I am amazed though at how much I loved that little bugger.

I know there were some dynamics taking place but I also did love him.  Very deeply.  He is a good person inside.  He is doing the best he can.  Sadly though, it does take more than love sometimes.

but I want to leave on a positive note so I can say that i have grown and learned from this experience very much.  I have had to reach into my own abandonment and shame issues which in the end has made me a better and a more deeply content person.

 

[JNChell]

Tsultan, I love your avatar. Bluegill are my favorite fish all around.

Honor my feelings of pain which can be very incredibly intense.  This is a grief like no other that I have felt. and I have been through a lot.  Both parents have died, my first husband took his own life, my brother died, and I grieved a 24 yr marriage.  I am astonished at the level of pain this r/s has brought me.  Not only while we were together but also since the 8 mos we have been apart.  It was a rubber band relationship together and apart for 3 1/2 years.  Now that it's finally over it's hard to really accept it because of the rubber band pattern we had.  I think my brain is wired to not fully accept that it's not over.  Plus, a part of me thinks, he'll never find anyone who would tolerate that crap he dishes out so he'll always come back to me.  honest feelings.

You’ve been through a lot.  I sense some uncertainty in whether or not you want the relationship to be over. Where are you with that?

[Tsultan]

JNChell, Thanks. I used to fish when I was a kid with my Dad and caught so many bluegills.  It reminds me of all the great memories I had with my Dad when I was younger.   

I should have used the word in past tense.  Part of me "thought".  I don't want to be in his orbit anymore.  I do but it's not a good option for me as it brings WAY too much pain.  It's time to rip the band aid off.  Not slowly pull it off so it doesn't hurt as sharp and painful.  That's my metaphor for how I need to proceed. 

I am grieving the loss of that relationship.  Once I make my mind up I don't usually go back.

That walk together and seeing him really set me back in the process so I'm going to take care of myself and block him out of my life.  It's best for me.  Not easy but best.  I need to take care of myself as that it my responsibility. 

Thanks for asking. I love questions because they make me have to think.  You guys are good about asking questions.  I hope that I can offer healing to this site too.  It has helped me tremendously.

 

[zachira]

Continuing to work on being the best person I can be and not blaming others for feeling upset and unhappy.

[CryWolf]

WIshing you all strength during the holidays. I know how difficult it can be right now.

Thank you for Sharing Tsultan.

Zachira, that sounds very mature and responsible of you. I have also been implementing that.

Crushedagain, you’re right about time. It may not heal but it helps definitely. I had to experience this and the beginning stages I was suffering and wanted it to just end.