Memory from childhood

[Notwendy]

This is a sad one.  When I was young- about 8, I got a child's cookbook with a meatloaf recipe and I was excited to make it. Of course I couldn't do it by myself so my mother supervised. I thought it was fine, but I would hear my mother tell her friends how bad it turned out, how I made it wrong. It hurt my feelings at the time.

My family loves meatloaf and I make a good one. Yet, each time I make it - I recall how my mother was critical - of an 8 year old child.  I can't imagine ever saying that about any child.

Ironically, as I grew older, I realized my mother didn't cook much- I learned to cook at a young age and cook a lot. I don't recall that she made meatloaf- maybe a few times  but mostly she didn't cook.

My mother was critical about me to her friends. I could hear her on the phone talking about me not just about this but other things. Once I was raking the leaves ( as a teenager) and she sat inside criticizing how I did it. She hasn't raked leaves ever.

[Harri]

Hi Notwendy.  That does hurt.  Your mom could not nurture and encourage you.  Of course she should have raved about it!  The fact that she did not cook or rake leaves but would sit back and criticize makes me think of a Queen.  It is so hurtful what she did.

[zachira]

So many times I read your posts and they resonate with what I experienced in childhood. So painful and sad to have a mother that competed with you, and put down your efforts to be independent of her. Of course, from time to time, these memories come up because we never fully get over being abused as a child. I think mothers with BPD are particularly competitive with their daughters.  Do you have any idea what brings up this memory now? Is it possible you are ready to heal from it?
When I was in seventh grade, the Girl Scouts gave us an assignment to cook dinner for the whole family and provided with us with the recipes. I was so proud of myself after successfully preparing dinner, and was hurt beyond belief when my mother came in and told me how terrible the food was. My sister is a well know professional and sometimes is on television, and mom does not want to watch her on television.
This all has nothing to do with us, yet it still hurts. You have often talked about what kind of mother you are, and how you treat your children with love and respect. This maybe in part heals some of the wounds you experienced in childhood. How were you able to become a good mother with the mother you had as a role model?

[Notwendy]

The best answer I have for that is that I had role models. The women on my father's side of the family were caring people and loved me. In high school, my friend's mothers were role models for me. I spent as much time at their houses as I could- so they treated me like another one of their kids.

I think this speaks to the impact a caring adult can have on a child. A disordered parent can have a negative impact, but a caring adult can have a positive one. With my own children, I knew I didn't want to do what my mother did. I think our relationship is a healing one for me. I didn't fear that I would mistreat my own kids- I know I couldn't do that to any child.

It's sad what your sister did. Yes, in a strange way, it seems my mother was in some kind of competition, or perhaps if she put me down, it made her feel better. How odd to compete with a child. She must have been sadly insecure to do this, but I would not have understood that at a young age.

[zachira]

I agree with you about the importance of positive adult role models to help dilute the effects of an abusive parent. You are so lucky to have had people who cared and took over the parental role as much as possible.  I often post on this site about how I fondly remember adults who helped me; sometimes someone would give me just five minutes of their time and it would give me the courage to go on. Somehow you and I are lucky to be very different from our mothers with BPD, and have the self awareness to seek nurturing else where. My two siblings with BPD and NPD are just like mom, and I can just thank God I am not like them. My two siblings are extremely talented individuals and I am not, which I think made me the natural scapegoat. Sometimes not being the golden child is a blessing in disguise though it certainly does not feel like that at times. How did being the scapegoat affect you in positive ways?

[Manifest32f]

Hi: it’s very disheartening when we hear such experience. It’s slightly different for me and my daughter whom I adore. Unfortunately, we have a very tumultuous relationship and as far as I can remember, it all started when she visited family on her own. One of her paternal aunts, for whatever reason, seems to have implied that I have always been a very strict and unloving parent to my daughter. After my daughter came back from that visit, she has been a very different person and I feel I just don’t know her anymore. Daily accusations are the norm in our lives now and whatever I do or say, don’t make her realize and understand how much I love her. I dread the day dawning at times not knowing what is in store. I am trying to see if I could move away for some time so she could be on her own and sort things out and I need a break from all the chaos. It’s not easy but this site is a blessing for me. Thanks everyone!

[Notwendy]

That's awful that a family member said this to her about you. My father's family didn't like my BPD mother but they didn't talk about her to me when I was younger. After my father passed away, his remaining relatives were willing to answer my questions about her- and I was an adult by then.

It makes me wonder about the sensibility of the aunt who said this. Also, is it possible she didn't say it- and your D misinterpreted it or is even not telling the truth? My BPD mother does both- misinterprets things and also makes things up about what people say to her. She will then use this to justify her anger and criticism of me. " So and so was shocked that you... ." " your father was so disappointed".  It is also possible that her aunt said this after your D painted you black to her. My mother has done this with her relatives - some of what she said to them is a complete lie- but they believe her.

My mother tends to see people as "on her side" or "not her side" and she enlists them to "her side".  I think a good model for that is the Karpman triangle. Basically, your D is in victim mode and possibly vented to her aunt and aunt stepped in to rescue her. Now she brings up what her aunt said to justify her being "victim".

To answer Zachira's question- I think being either scapegoat or golden child isn't a good position to be in, but compared to the golden child in the family, I think it is better in the long run for me to have been the scapegoat. The golden child in our family is still emotionally enmeshed with my mother and she has enabled this. I am less enmeshed and was more self sufficient as a child. However, I don't think it was easy for either of us to deal with her behaviors growing up.

[zachira]

I agree with Notwendy that it can often be better to be the scapegoat, though it certainly doesn't feel that way as a child. The Golden Child is in training to have NPD, and often never sees their way out of the toxic family narrative. The scapegoat often fights hard to be somebody decent in life, and can succeed if they are able to see past the toxic family narrative.

[Manifest32f]

Hi: I appreciate your feedback very much. My SIL is a little attention demanding personality and since I was not there, I am not sure what really happened when my daughter visited her. My family with whom she was staying at that time, informed me that when returned from her visit to SIL, she looked somewhat upset and asked them if I treated her kindly when she was growing up. My family did not know what was bothering her at that time. she is very dear to us and we maintained a good balance- at least that is what we thought. So when her mood swings, unfair accusations and angry spells started, we were very shocked and lost. She was a ‘model child’ growing up and all of a sudden we are facing a very difficult person now. she maintains the perfect composure with family members, friends and others. (Only her parents are seen as enemy!) I am learning to establish boundaries, acknowledge and validate her feelings since the past couple of weeks and I have a long way to go... .
Thanks to you all for the wonderful support

[sklamath]

My family loves meatloaf and I make a good one. Yet, each time I make it - I recall how my mother was critical - of an 8 year old child.  I can't imagine ever saying that about any child.

I am sad for that 8 year old child, Notwendy. It's especially sad that she would say you did it wrong if she was there supervising. She should have been so proud that her small child was taking on such an ambitious recipe. But I think it is wonderful that you continued cooking and can know and be proud of the fact that you are indeed a good cook.

In my case, my mom's criticism in the kitchen definitely contributed to me not particularly enjoying cooking. And it's fine; the food I cook is simple, tasty, and nutritious. But cooking is the one area in my life where I absolutely cannot stand unsolicited constructive criticism--from anyone.

[nenarox2]

Those memories are horrible. I am haunted by so many of those criticisms. My mother used to freak out on me every morning. To this day, I wake up and remember every bad thing that happened the day or week before. Mornings are my dreaded nightmare. I forgot why I hated mornings until this last mothers day when I went home to visit and witnessed my mother abuse my niece like that. I now know why I struggle every morning, but knowing does not change the mantra I hear in my head... .Cheers to BPDm.

[Turkish]

Your mother sounds like she was jealous of you.  My son is far better at math in 3rd grade than I ever was.  I validate that. He told me yesterday that he calculated calories in his head in class and the sub confirmed it on her calculator.

 My mother twisted it oppositely when I was a kid because I couldn't do long division in my head like she could. 

Be proud of your skills whatever they are, no matter the negative inner (outer) critic.

[Harri]

Notwendy, I've been wondering what brought this memory to mind for you.  Are you able to link it to anything?

[Fie]

Hello Notwendy,


I am sorry. I empathize, my mum was the same.

Let me be there with you as a 8 year old in my thoughts. Cheering you on, as you made a great meatloaf. And that for a 8 year old. Let's eat it together. Even being a vegetarian - I guess this is worth making an exception   :-)

[madeline7]

Notwendy,
I find myself having bad memories that are sometimes triggered by something (which seems logical) and also memories that randomly come to the surface. I am now seeing how so many of my current reactions to people and things are influenced by being someone who was raised by a borderline in an environment where my thoughts and feelings were not validated.I am questioning who is the real me, and working hard to figure this whole thing out, since I was not given good role models. You are lucky to have had some good role models outside the home. Wondering if your Dad gave you support or if he always enabled your Mom? My Dad chose to always enable, in his later years I believe he was aware of the unhealthy dynamic but felt he had no choice as he was the one who had to live with her. And kudos to you for creating a healthy family and being empathetic and nurturing to your kids. I am pleasantly surprised and amazed at how many of us endured this childhood trauma and have come out the other side with the ability to build healthy relationships. We still suffer from the wounds of our past, but persevere for a better future. This is a good time to look ahead to the new year with hope and peace!

[Notwendy]

Wondering if your Dad gave you support or if he always enabled your Mom? My Dad chose to always enable, in his later years I believe he was aware of the unhealthy dynamic but felt he had no choice as he was the one who had to live with her.

I thought my father supported me but see later that my mother's wishes prevailed. I imagine it was hard for him as I was her black child and the drama triangle would play out between us anytime I upset her. She was victim, and he would rescue her by punishing me for whatever I did to upset her. The rule in our home was "make mother happy" but that was not a possible task for kids. I was a basically good kid but all kids will challenge their parents at times, especially teens.

My father was the parent I was attached to, so my mother would control me through him. I didn't want to disappoint him. I did get intermittent support- looking back- like stolen moments when she wasn't around. He also supported me academically. My mother controlled if he gave me money for college, sometimes he was allowed to and sometimes not,  but he always encouraged me to do my best there and achieve.

I did eventually recognize that, as an adult, I didn't have to live with her but he did, and she would make things very difficult for him if he didn't go along with what she wanted.

I am also impressed by the resilience of so many of us on this board. I wish everyone a wonderful 2019.