Parent relationship ending

[Sunshine78]

I’ve struggled with my relationship with my parents my entire life... .  Specifically with my mother.  I’ve been estranged from them in the past and although it was nice not dealing with their drama, I missed my family!  I love them, they are the people that brought me into this world and raised me... .  they’re human and have their own personal demons for whatever reason they refuse to address.  It’s breaking my heart!  I have 3 beautiful girls that my husband and I want to create healthy habits for.  We’ve had continuous struggles with my parents... .  if we go along with whatever it is they want the relationship is functional (not healthy) These past few years of trying to make this work has taken a huge toll on me personally and my husband as well!  I have been in the care of a a fabulous counselor ( who actually suggested this site to me).  My husband is actually seeing a counselor now as well.  We want a relationship with my parents, but one that is healthy and a working relationship for all involved!  My parents simply ignore our requests and keep attacking me and now my husband.  They keep saying we’re trying to turn them into monsters!  We have actually not pointed fingers at anyone for the issues in our relationship.  We have asked for input from them to create something healthier and we have tried to express repeatedly that we want them in our lives and the lives of our kids!  They seem to constantly victimize themselves and insist we’re trying to estrange ourselves from them.  I’m simply at a loss of what to do!  I know that boundaries are necessary... .  But at this point it feels as though being estranged is our only option... .  My heart is breaking that they simply can’t see why we need to do this, and how it can benefit all of us... .  Thank you for reading this, thank you for sharing any words of wisdom or experience you have with dealing with this.  I wanted so badly for us to be making positive changes by this time (not necessarily fixed, but at least making attempts). 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you posted. 

My parents simply ignore our requests and keep attacking me and now my husband.

What sort of requests are you making?  Can you give us examples? 

We might be able to help trouble shoot' some of what is said or certain requests.  A lot of what is intuitive in terms of talking with others does not work so well when talking with disordered people.  Sometimes tweaking things can help a great deal and other times not so much. 

Boundaries work best when we use them to govern our responses and when they are built around our personal values. 

So lets talk some more about that as you share more of your story.   

[Kwamina]

Hi Sunshine78

I'm joining Harri in welcoming you here

It can unfortunately be very challenging dealing with BPD parents. There are tools though that can help and I am also glad you have the support of a counselor.

I too am interested in the type of requests you are making to your parents, what specific aspects of your relationship with your parents would you like to be different?

What do you consider your parents' most difficult or challenging behaviors?

It becomes quite clear from your post that you really want to have your parents in your life, yet it's equally clear how much of a toll their behavior is taking on you. Boundaries are indeed very important and there are certain communication techniques that can be very helpful when dealing with diusordered individuals. These techniques include validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N., are you perhaps already familiar with any of these techniques?

The Board Parrot

[Sunshine78]

This is the first I’ve been told about these techniques.  I will look into them for sure!  Thank you
We sent a letter, feeling this would be the best way to be “heard”.  We made sure the letter did not have an accusatory tone.  My mother has a defensive personality, and we wanted to make sure that she wasn’t put on defense right at the beginning.  In the letter I addressed my mental health, having both depression and anxiety.  I’m in the care of several mental health professionals to get myself in a healthier balance.  My mother keeps insisting that I’m bipolar... .  I’ve just learned that she has been telling this to close and distant relatives!  This just makes me nuts for several reasons... .  bi-polar is a serious disease.  If she legitimately had concerns why would she not address this with me, my husband or even my counselor? 
But in the letter we asked for family counseling to help with the following
Better communication
No more attacking
We were very clear that we love them and that we want them in our lives and the lives of our kids!  (It was in bold print/ underlined)
We asked them for input on making our family work better.  We took this on as a family issue.  I’ve never suggested that there was a disorder, or that this was my moms issue. 
My husband and I feel that at this point it is a family issue, we all need to play a role to make this better! 
My parents responded with we were estranging ourselves.  So we again responded via email that we were not looking to estrange ourselves... .  We love them and want to make this family better!  We again listed our requests
We then got a response saying that they don’t feel there is a problem and asked for examples... .  I felt this was a big mistake we were trying to make a fresh healthy start! 
They felt we were making this up in our head... .  so reluctantly we responded to each request of examples.
From there they stopped talking to us
Until my mom sent my husband a scathing text... .  attacking him and his own family.  She once again stated that we’re punishing her and she will not be held hostage by us! She went on to say that us keeping her from her grandkids has been cruel!  We’ve treated them like monsters... .
The thing is we have never kept them from the kids.  We’re no longer extending offers for them to come to our home. 
My parents have made it clear that they don’t see any issues within our family. 
But dealing with my family has taken a huge toll on me emotionally... .  unless my parents get what they want when they want it we deal with grown adults throwing tantrums!  I describe my relationship with them as exhausting and anxiety provoking!  (These are not things I would tell them!). Maybe that’s he problem? 
  I know that when you’re not in your right mind you say and do things that aren’t necessarily you... .  But do you still give a pass to someone that refuses to try to make changes?  Who refuses here is a problem?  Because I can’t do that anymore... .  I have my own health and family to take care of!  I’m hoping this will answer some of questions you asked.
Thank you so much for reading and responding

[zachira]

Of course, you want a healthy loving relationship with your parents. It sounds like that they are not capable of changing, and hear any kind of feedback from you as threatening, which brings out the worst in them. If you were to decide today that they are completely incapable of changing, even in making the smallest of changes, what would you want to do?

[Sunshine78]

Zachira
 Them not putting in any effort to change is something I knew was a strong possibility when my husband and I made our initial request to make positive changes.  I hoped that things would be different... .  I know that I need to let go... .  I need to take care of myself and kids.  As far as what I want... .  I want my parents to realize, to see how much they’re choosing to loose by not making an effort!  Does this make sense?  I want them to love me,and my kids enough to make changes... .  I want them to treat me with respect and kindness.  What they’re capable of, well my expectations are a lot lower.  I’d settle for acknowledgment that things have room for improvement

[Sunshine78]

If they are unwilling to make changes, I have to leave this relationship behind.  It’s not what I want... .  But I can’t go on trying to make it work.  It literally left me a broken mess.  I want more to my life.  I want happiness, love, acceptance, peace, and Fulfillment... . 
this life catering to them simply leaves me, empty, exhausted, and broken. 
I’ve already lost my youth to these games... .  I can’t give them anymore... .Yet this makes me feel incredibly guilty... .  I keep trying to remind myself, that this was their choice.

[GaGrl]

My mother was feared in a dysfunctional family due to her step-mother's uNPD/BPD condition. My father recognized the dysfunction and crew strong boundaries about the time I was born. My sister and I knew the relationship with my maternal grandparents was very different from that of our paternal grandparents, but in the rnd, the explanations made perfect sense ( about age 10). Don't underestimate your children's ability to assess the situation.

As to the rest... .jeez... .if they are clueless, they are clueless.

[JNChell]

Hi, Sunshine78. It sounds like you’re pretty exhausted by trying to reach your parents on an even level. You and your husband tried to reach out to them to start a solution based dialogue. You didn’t accuse them of anything, you simply wanted to discuss solutions that would bring peace and understanding to the relationship.

It almost appears as if your parents were reacting in a certain way that they knew would get you and your husband to react in a certain way just to keep the drama going. Does it feel that way to you? Has this happened in the past?

Like Kwamina has pointed out, there are communication tools that can be used with some success. At the end of the day, what would you like to see happen between you and your parents? I know that that isn’t an easy conclusion to arrive at. I’ve been there. Wishing you the best.

[zachira]

"Zachira
 Them not putting in any effort to change is something I knew was a strong possibility when my husband and I made our initial request to make positive changes.  I hoped that things would be different... .  I know that I need to let go... .  I need to take care of myself and kids.  As far as what I want... .  I want my parents to realize, to see how much they’re choosing to loose by not making an effort!  Does this make sense?  I want them to love me,and my kids enough to make changes... .  I want them to treat me with respect and kindness.  What they’re capable of, well my expectations are a lot lower.  I’d settle for acknowledgment that things have room for improvement."

It seems you and your husband are going to be making all the changes and your parents will react not respond. Responding is connecting to what the other person is feeling and asking for. Reacting is letting the emotions get out of control to the point that there is no or little ability to understand the other person's point of view. Of course you want your parents to love you and your children enough to be willing to make changes, and you are determined to put the needs of your children first even if that means changing the relationship with your parents. What is a likely outcome is your relationship with your parents is going to change though probably not to the point you would like, and you are willing to set your expectations lower by settling for your parents acknowledging that there is room for improvement. What are some small changes that you want to make in the ways you interact with  your parents that have the best chance of making a difference in changing the dialog and the interactions?

[Sunshine78]

You have all posted some really helpful tips... .  and the questions you’ve asked me!  It really is making me do some self-reflection and see if there is other ways I can appeal or reach them... .  A lot of things to think about and consider... .
Thank you all so much! 
I found this quote that I think sums up what I’m looking for
“You can’t go back and change the beginning; but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
Wishing you all a healthy, happy New Year