I feel a crisis moment coming on

[Ozzie101]

For about two weeks, things with my uBPDh were good -- even great. He was like his old self. Being out of town helped a lot (vacations always put him in a good mood and being away from the usual stress does a world of good) but even when we were in town, he was pretty well regulated.

But now we're back to the real world. Last night he was upset over a number of things, like the long list of things he has to do today (things I can't help with) and the fact that I'd caught a cold, which interrupted any plans he might have had for sex.

The sex and the fact that we haven't had as much lately was a long topic of discussion. I said we both needed to make more effort and make it more of a priority. He kept telling me this was worse than his first marriage, where he ended up having an affair because he wasn't happy with what he got at home. I didn't really react to that. Kept very flat and neutral the whole time. He said he just felt like there was something going on. There is. I've been detaching from him thanks to the moodiness, the anger, the abuse. I just told him that he's had a lot of anger lately that, combined with my health issues, has interrupted our normal patterns. He said if we had sex more, maybe he wouldn't be so angry. I said "OK."

He got upset about the fact that my monthly cycle kicked in last week (he doesn't like having sex with me when it's during the heavy time). Said I need to get a hysterectomy. He might have been half-joking but he also seemed mostly serious.

Nothing really got resolved. But it's apparent he's been picking up on things. I've been distancing myself -- not even consciously, really -- as a self-defense mechanism. And my sex drive has decreased. When I spend every day either afraid of what his mood will be or trying to keep him from tipping over into the red zone and becoming violent, it's hard for me to feel turned on.

Here's the real, immediate, problem: My stepson's birthday is tomorrow. One of H's big triggers is my family and how he sees them as treating SS8. They've been very welcoming to him. My parents spend the same on him for birthday and Christmas as they do the other grandkids. My sisters, however, have not really done anything for his birthdays (Christmas, yes). Part of that is they didn't know when it was and they haven't felt very clear on what we want their role to be. Sensitive about stepping over lines, etc. Also, they barely ever see him so they don't know him very well and haven't had a chance to build up a bond. He gets along great with their kids when we're all together.

H has been very upset over all this. I confronted my sisters, who apologized, and have made more effort. To H, though, they're only doing things like that because I "called them out." He's told me that if my sisters acknowledge the birthday, he'll know that I gave them a heads-up and then he'll be angry with me. On the other hand, if they don't say or do anything, then he'll be angry because it proves they don't care.

I've always acknowledged their kids' birthdays and H thinks it's unfair that they haven't done anything for SS. I agree, in a way, but I also think there are some extenuating circumstances at play. (Like the fact that SS is new and they hardly ever see him. H hates my sisters and has told me multiple times "I don't give a damn about their kids" so any acknowledgement I give them brings on a round of recrimination.)

He's also gotten on to me for not sharing enough in family text strings about SS and his accomplishments and activities. It shows I don't care. I know I need to do that more, it's just not something I'm used to or that comes naturally. I have to remind myself to share news. I've said I'll do better about that.

Well, we're celebrating SS's birthday tonight (since he'll be with his mom tomorrow). I'd thought I'd take pictures of him opening gifts and send one or two around, like my sisters do with their kids on their birthdays. It's what I want to do. But I fear, especially considering H's mood, that he'll see that as me giving them a heads-up and giving them a chance to do or say something, thereby keeping him from having something to get angry at them about. He'll see it as manipulation. It probably is, but it's also something I WANT to do. I just feel like I (and they) can't win.

I'm just at a loss. I'm in a constant state of fear that anything I do or say -- or anything my body does, like catch a cold or have my natural womanly time of month -- will make him angry. After the incident a couple of weeks ago where he physically blocked me and screamed in my face, I'm more anxious than ever.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Cailin]

Ozzie101,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having to live with so much fear for your safety and well being. I know exactly what your’re talking about. Anything you say or do, no matter how hard you try, results in a fit of rage, or contemptuous statements or horrid accusations. You can’t defend yourself because he’s like Teflon, nothing sticks, he’s impervious to correction. My hwBPD is like this and is getting worse every year. I often wonder if people with BPD “hit bottom”. I know I did ( as a codependent- type) he is my bottom! Now I’m looking at myself and trying to figure out my own addictions to disordered people and why I have put up with so much verbal and physical abuse.
Do you have time ability to speak with a domestic violence counselor? It might help you start to make sense of it all, not blame yourself and get help. Or maybe a group?

[Ozzie101]

Thanks Cailin

I have been speaking with a DV counselor and also with a therapist who specializes in BPD (and while she hasn't met him, she agrees that he sounds like a "textbook" case of high-functioning BPD. Both have been very helpful.

In my case, I'm a journalist. I've written several times about DV. In a way, that has helped me. At first, I blamed myself and was sure I was a horrid person and terrible wife. Then, suddenly, I had a lightbulb moment and realized he was practically checking all the boxes on a checklist. I had enough education on DV to finally see it for what it was and for that I'm grateful.

H had his anger management appointment last night and it went well. He actually came home in a good mood, telling me that he liked the therapist. She told him he would be "a challenge" since she could see he doesn't like to talk about himself, though he said she was actually able to get some things out of him. When he's in a good mood, he's very rational. Admits that his responses to some things are too extreme or downright wrong. (Never apologizes for the things he's said or done to me, though.)

You're right. Nothing is ever good enough (unless he's in a really good mood, and then I'm wonderful). He expects everything around him -- people, governments, society, you name it -- to conform to how he thinks things should go. If they don't go the way he wants, he gets annoyed or angry, depending on his mood. Not just a little annoyed. Incredibly frustrated.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with verbal and physical abuse. In my case, he hasn't laid a finger on me yet but some of his actions have qualified as physical abuse (blocking me, throwing and breaking things, banging his fist on the table, telling me he feels like hitting me). I'm trying to be extra wary and cautious because my DV counselor says she thinks it sounds like he's escalating.

I ended up sending the text this morning. Lots of birthday wishes from everyone. I don't know what H will say about it. But I feel good for having done it.