Husband is fighting in public and pushes me...

[sunny days]

This is the first time I have posted anything on a message board. My husband is getting in physical fights in public with strangers and pushing me and calling me horrible names at home when I try to stick up for myself. From what I have read and am also experiencing this abuse is different in some ways than regular domestic violence. It is more focused on control and hurt feelings and less on actual battery. I know this sounds strange but I don't trust mental health professionals to be that well versed in BPD. I had one tell me it is just a coping device. Even if that is true its still very real because I am living it. Of course when you tell anyone these stories they are like, sister what are you still there for. I believe people on this site must understand that it is much more complicated then that. Thanks for listening. I would love any feed back from someone who has been there.

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[Harri]

Hi sunny days and welcome.  I am glad you posted because you are right, we do get it here.  I do not have any personal experience with domestic violence but there are, unfortunately, many people here who do, both male and female.

I am not sure I understand what your therapist said about it being a coping mechanism... .I assume the violence?  Regardless, you are right, not all therapists are well versed in BPD. 

Have you had a chance to read some of the threads here?  You can get a feel for the kind of support we give.  There are a couple current threads regarding DV situations that you may find interesting to rad.

Can you tell us more about the pushing your husband does and tell us how you respond?  Also, some more background regarding the fights in public would be helpful to give us a better picture of your situation so we can help you.

I am glad you posted and hope to hear more of your story.

[sunny days]

we were at a concert and a drunk guy and his girlfriend slammed into us and he pushed back and the guy came after us both and sent us flying and I got whiplash. He has no impulse control and attacks if he feels threatened. If he thinks i have humiliated him he attacks verbally or physically. He is the most loving person 70% of the time but this other side is getting worse.My therapist said she doesn't believe in mental disorders and that all of this is coping devices. He drives aggressive on the road and I have stopped trusting him to keep me safe. It sounds like my marriage is over but he has been kinder and more supportive of me then anyone else. The last time I said if you touch me we are over and he pushed me into another room and then t hit him in the chest and said we are done. That was 4 days ago and he tried to make contact and I said no. We are in the same house but avoiding each other. I believe in the past I went back and this gave him a opening to repeat the bad behavior.

[Harri]

Thanks for more details especially about the latest fight. 

Have you ever talked with anyone about domestic violence and things you can do to protect yourself?  Do you have a safety plan set up should things escalate?  What sort of support system, other than here and your therapist, do you have?  What else does your therapist say?  Do she help you with communication techniques to try ?

[sunny days]

She told me to not fight with him and when he got like that to walk away. I called a domestic abuse line once and got a route "that's terrible he shouldn't have done that' trying to sound like she hadn't heard it a million times. They referred me to the woman's alliance center where i got a one size fits all and pressure to leave. I'm going to find a therapist with abuse training but i can already see that i'm trying to reason with him and make him see my side which is a mistake. I went to see a lawyer a couple of years ago when he had dragged me by my hoodie across the floor. She told me he would attack me again. It took two years but she was right. I have a friend in town and I go to ACA 12 step programs. I thought I could change enough to make it stop, which is probably common magical thinking.

[Coldfish]

Your husband reminds me of my partner. He will knock a stranger out in a minute and then ask what everyone is looking at. He doesn't go around looking for trouble, but if he feels threatened or you threaten someone he loves it's game over for you. He is huge on protecting and making sure his loved ones are safe.

 We were coming out of the corner store one time and I exited first because he was paying at the counter . This guy, a little further down, was looking at me and said "i got that... ." I couldn't catch all of it. He comes  out the store and saw the guy talking to me and never took his eyes off the guy. The look in his eyes as he looked at that man I have never seen before. His lip started twitching, etc. He asked me, very calmly,. what the guy said to me. I told him and he pushes me in front of him while he has his hand on his protection and never took his eyes off the guy.

I think I understand what you mean about control. As our relationship progresses he seems to want it more and more from me. He can be a bully towards me sometimes. Lately it seems he is trying to dominate me in our relationship. It's not a domestic violence like doing it just to do it, but I actually think he likes the control and domination sometimes.

It's more like a lion playing with its food kinda thing before it decides to eat it. Slap it silly a few times and then devour it.

If he is angry and raging he give me a warning. He will say,
"this is gonna be the worse day of your life, " or " I wouldn't do that if I was you."

Like I said he can be a bully

Hope that helps some.

[sunny days]

Thank you so much for your feedback. It does help to hear other peoples stories. My own intense abandonment issues and childhood neglect has helped my feelings at times of utter emptiness. So I too am probably  borderline . I think men do manifest it differently or at least my husband does.When he is ready to go on the attack he will growl at me as a warning. I'm learning to believe it. His eyes are as cold as a killers, psychotic and unfeeling.

[Coldfish]

I am new here too and they have been very welcoming. I speak alot of my partners eyes. It's my first clue when he changes, his personality / mood. Can I ask did he just start this behavior? is he military?

[sunny days]

Hi Coldfish,
No he isn't military but i would guess he has been doing this a long time. He has had years of therapy but does relapse. I'm his third wife and i bet us wives would have similar stories.

[Coldfish]

When you met him did he tell you he had BPD?

[sunny days]

no he didn't know yet

[Coldfish]

Thanks for replying.

Do you feel like you understand why he is getting worse or do you think it's random?

My partner is dealing with heavy family issues and I am the only thing he's got in this state. I feel like that situation is out of his control which it is. I start to wonder if by controlling me he will feel like he's in control of something if that makes any sense.

[Coldfish]

I am sure someone skilled will be along shortly. Your story just radiates with me so I wanted to reach out. I do not know all the great support things about BPD  as of yet that they do. I am sure you will find excellent support here.

[hope2727]

Hello and I am so sorry you are enduring that trauma. Please find a therapist familiar with BPD and the impact on family members. Please take the DV seriously. It will escalate. I know you love him and I totally get that but it is never worth the risk of serious harm. Take gentle care of yourself and keep reading and posting here. sending you a hug of support.