Where do I go from here?

[Millylee]

This is my first time writing here and Im not gonna lie its very hard to write out the past 5 years, I keep trying and then stop because sometimes it becomes to hard to think about and I become very emotional. Ive been on the craziest roller coaster of my life over the past 5 years so I guess i will just start from the beginning so there is a background of my past. This is very long so i do hope someome will take the time to read it
   Almost 5 years ago I met a man that turned my world upside down, He was like no one i had ever met before , he tretated me with kindness and caring, love, compassion and understanding . He listened and we became the very best of friends and lovers. Things were great and I never expected perfection but things slowly started to change .  Within a year into this I noticed he had a bit of a excessive drinking pattern although i let it slide cause I too liked to go out and have fun but after a while I noticed it was a different kind of fun as he needed it to be able to cope with alot of things from his life and his past which leads me to his past.
   When I first met him he opened up to me about his childhood and the trauma he endured. For someome like me who was raised in a very good family, with two present parents and a good upbringing this was heartbreaking and I sehow took the role of wanting to save this persom. He was abused sexually by a neighbor “friend” up until 8 years old. When he told his parents his father simply said I knew this was going on amd did nothing about it. So right there i can only imagine how that would mold a child growing up yet to this day he longs for the approval of his father. His mother was a addict and would send her child with grown adults to the city to buy her drugs. She died in fromt of him numerous times throughout his life but was always brought back. His parents had a tumultuous relastionship of breaking up and getting back together, partying, infedelity and wrecklessness . So at a very young age of 12 he too became a addict of many different things. At the time of hearing all this , I didnt realize truly what a impact this had on how these situations molded this child into who he is today. I didnt quite understand because I was niave to it because my life was the complete opposite.
    During the first year his different addictions became apparent yet i saw this man struggle with truly wanting to stop and not knowing how because becommimg sober would meanfacing all these hurts of the past that he just wasnt willing to face. I noticed he had very strange relationships with friends where he would idolize them and devalue me to them so that they wouldnt welcome me in his life and that would then put a strain on our relatiomship becausee i chose to not be around people that wouldnt get to know me themselves and just believe things that were completely untrue. To him that made me a snob that thought i was better then them. But then he would turn around and devalue them the very first time that they would go against anything he said and then cut them off for months or years at a time as if he never knew them.
     Within the first two years everything just slowly got worse the closer he got to me .The more he cared for me the worse everything got.  Eventually he was always angry. The rage i saw in this person that could be so sweet and kind was unbelievable
(NO he NEVER physically abused me it was all mental)  , he would lash out on me and his mother if we so much as said one word he didnt like. He would love me then hate me to the poimt that i thought i was losing my mind. I dont mean a littke bit of rage, I mean callimg me names that ive never used, accusing me of being against him, manipulating me and then saying it was i that manipulated him. Blamming me for his addictions and telling his family that I caused it. (the worst part of that is that they agreed with it and started treating me terrible)  They all projected everything onto me for 4 years straight. His mother would tell me in confidence she knows it wasmt me but then turn around and tell him that it was and if he would just get me out of his life then he would not be a addict any longer and his life would be better. He went through job after job, more then i can count. One of the worst things for me that i couldnt handle was i love you, dont leave me. Because one day we were together and he loved me and the next day he would be sneaking around calling other girls, putting himself on dating websites and yes cheating . I only know of 2 confirmed in the 5 years but talking to other girls snd emotionally involving yourself with another is infidelity in my book. When i would find out and react in a negative way and have a complete melt down about it, he then would feel remorse and beg me not to go. Saying that my jealousy pushed him to do it but if he didnt do it in the first place there would have been no jealousy on my part. He would deny we were together saying that i am not the type of person he would ever commit to ir marry me because I allowed all this stuff to go on even though I could not control another grown adult.And those times that i did put my foot down he would be appauled saying he knew i didnt care and nothing lasts forever and i tell me I turned my back in him .He would ssy i was weak and pathetic.  He would tell me he was done and then call a few days , weeks, months later but always came back on his own. And the pattern would repeat.
    Did i enable him in every way, YES. Did i have any boundaries to protect my own mental well being? , not a single one because I let it get so bad and I was so beaten down that I just wanted peace so I walked on eggshells doimg anythimg i could do to avoid seeing that rage. I didnt know what was wrong or how to help him except to stay and try to keep him safe because he was on a path of self destruction and I honestly thought he was going to end up dying of a overdose from the lifestyle he was living. He actually died in front of me once overdosing and  I saved his life and he aaked me to please never give up on him no matter what because he needed someome to stay and be there for him no matter what.  he hid his addictioms from his family. Everytime he had a breakdown when the charade was all too much he would only then tell his family and of course blame it all on me.He was living a life of geing somebody else but behind closed doors it was a different story .  I myself was out of control with my own emotioms and in a very dark place, blamming myself for everything , crying myself to sleep every night , worrying if it would be the last time I would see him, waiting for the next disaster i would have to clean up . All the while still having to keep my own mimd in check amd go to work 65 hours a week with a smile on my face holding all of this inside, it was awful.
FAST Forward to year 4 he was so out of control with his addictions , now getting into things he couldnt control and involved with some very bad people,  I had chosen to distance myself from all of it and talked to him through text and email but not in person at all , at that time he was working  away when all this was happening , so I did not see him much  and after 6 months of it one day he called me crying confessing everything he was doing and was begging me to help him because he couldnt stop on his own and his mind was disassociating  making him see and believe stuff that was not actially happening. I immediately told him to leave his job states away snd come home immediately and I would get him some professional help and he agreed. . I mediately called his mother who contacted his father and when he got home before i could see him they took him to the ER and he was admitted into the psychiatric division. At that point he had mentally broke down. He stayed in the hospital a week , I was not alliwed to see him per his fsther and sister since i was blsmjed for slm this. He called me when he got out and told me he was diagnised bipolar II and had psychosis with delusions borderlining skitzophranic . BPD was not the diagnosis although that is what he has. He was pur on medication for bipolar and releasex early because he pretended to be fine. Throughout the next weeks we talked alot but I didnt see him and I knew he wasnt ok however he did stop all addictions but there was nothimg I could do since I was told to stay away. During his hospital stsy i vowed to find out what was truly wrong with him and get him the correct help he needed. I put my own hurt aside and began my journey which led me to BPD. Every single thimg I read and doctor I spoke with led me to the same answer over n over. I found him a place to go and the resouces needed to get help. Ge agreed to go.
One day he asked me to go out to dinner to talk and I said yes. When I saw him i knew he wasnt ok , he told me he stopped his medication but we talked and ge agreed to get help if i would go with him. At the end of dinner when droppimg him off he said he had something to tell me and that he spoke to his family and they believe i caused all of this and if he would get rid of me he would be fine. They said he just needed to find a good girl and get married and then he would be cured. He told me he believed them and that he would no longer see me or talk to me. Later that night he texted me and said he never loved me, i was never his friend, I ruined his life and i was getting in his way of meeting the woman he would marry. He then changed his number and thst was it for 6 months.  Im sure you can imagine my heartbreak , I was devastated.
    During that 6 months my life spiraled, i was so angry and lashing out at everyone. I cut my family off, i was close to losing my job and I was a mess. One day A old friend of mine called me who truly is bipolar and in treatment , she called to catch up and I broke down and  for tge firstctime I told someome of the past 4 years.  Because of her illness she was understanding and compassiomate and told me of the trials she went through to get where she is at today . She said the one thing that got her to where she is was her husband not giving up on her no matter what and that if I truly love him that i should take a step back and first take care of me and educate myself on mental illness and then that will lead me to the answers. That is just what I did. I got myself into therapy, and I spent countless months educating myself on BPD so I could truly understsnd it. Although my heart was not healed having a better understanding of him n his pain helped me to keep going.  During this time I did speak with his mother on and off to check on his progress , we had it out many times about what the root cause of all of this is and sge refused to acknowledge his childhood is the cause but then sbout 2 months ago she called me crying saying he was back in the hospital for another mental break and asking for me nonstop, his father and sister would not allow me to go visit but she told me to wrote him a letter n she would give it to him , so I did. I simply told him that I forgive him for the past, apologized for enabling him when I knew it was wrong and asked for his forgiveness  and gave  him my support and let him know that I care and im still here in his corner supporting him.
    A few weeks later he called, the conversation wasnt deep , i just asked how he was and he said he needed to know if i was ok after everything he put me through. He said he would like to start over and that he is getting help and would like the chance to get to know me sober and go from there and I agreed. At first he was himself again, we talked and laughed, he said he misses me and my dog thst he loves. Said he wants to see us soon abd i asked if we could hsvr a ipen honest conversation about where he is at in his recovery and if he is dealing with the past in a healthy way and where he is going from here, he said yes.  but as the weeks went on he started changing agaim, He isnt using or drinking at all but just seems withdrawn. His rage is not there but he is also not present. When i ask him questions or check on him he doesnt respond for days then when he does respond he simply says hes fine and then I dont hear from him again for days. He seems very disinterested in even speaking to me at all and I dont know what to do. I told him flat out yhat if he feels it would be better for me to no longer speak to him that I will leave him alone and he says he wants to talk to me but his actions are not of a person thst wants to be in my life so I find myself getting upset when I dont want to get upset, i want to be supportive and have communication so I know hes ok. I dont know where to go from here or how yo handke it.  I have no anger towards him any longer and i want to move forward with him but i cant go through this again. I know ive never had boundaries but how do i go about putting them in plsce when i csnt even get him to talk and be open with me. Im literally stick cause i domt know what is appropriate to say and what isnt. I have learned patience and have compassion and want him to heal so he can live a happy life but everything is tucked way down deep with him, hes forbidded to speak of it with his family cause they refuse to accept any responsibility , they say he chose all of this and its all on himself so all he wants to do is please them instead of taking care of himself. So he pretends to be ok to make them happy . Why does he want to constantly please people that failed him over n over as a child. Yes he is accountable for his adult life but how will he ever heal if he never realizes his childhood was not his fault . I cannot say this to him because he will take it as me attackimg his fsmily and im not, i just want him to hesl from the traumas of the past so thst he can move forward and let it go. Yes he is worth it to me but I dont kniw what to do from gere if ge refuses to communicate at all. I cant reset anything or put those boundaries in place if he isn’t even willing to listen.
So that is what brought me here, I want to move forward with him and  be with him in a very healthy way and i’m willing to do what it takes but i would be crazy to go through all of tge sane stuff again only to have him dissapear out if my life after how far ive come myself and i don’t want to make him feel that I don’t care because i do . He is a sweet, kind, very deep person that has so much to give but he doesnt know how to help himself because he does not want to relive the pains of his past .  I have the knowledge and I am still kearning but i dont know what to do with it so any help would be appreciated by me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi MillieLee and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and reached out.  Sometimes making the first post is very hard but you did it!  BTW, I read every word so no worries about the length.  It is good to get it all out and it does help to get a good picture of your relationship.  That said, I may miss responding to something you want to talk about so if I do, please ask again.

It is hard when someone (you) have had a good childhood with supportive parents and then get involved with someone who did not.  So many things are strange and foreign and are hard to understand.  I think though that you did well in putting the pieces together. 

You are right that he needs to heal and see how his childhood effected him before he can really do so.  That however, is very hard to do when you don't have a disorder and when you do, especially BPD, it is extremely difficult.  I think it is something he will have to come to realize on his own.  It is not something you can make him see and trying to do so is not going to help your relationship.   In addition, people are in denial for a reason.  It is a protective defense in a lot of cases and without proper support it should not really be messed with.  By proper support I mean a therapist, medication, etc. 

I know ive never had boundaries but how do i go about putting them in plsce when i csnt even get him to talk and be open with me.

Sometimes boundaries are discussed with the other person, but not always nor do they need to be in all cases.  Boundaries are about what you do to protect yourself when he is acting out or verbally abusing you for example.  We talk about boundaries here based on our personal values and then work boundaries around that value and then determine what action we take. 

You mentioned you are in therapy.  Are you still going?  I ask because in addition to us and your friend with BiPolar, it is good to have another source of support as well.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is challenging.  That said, do not underestimate the benefits of posting here.  You are in a place where we get it and can help you problem solve.  I hope you jump in and read and start posting in other peoples threads as well.  It is helpful to know you are not alone, reaching out and helping others is very healthy and we often find solutions for our situations when looking at another's.

Okay, I feel like I wrote too much and not enough!  Please ask questions.  I only gave a very brief explanation of boundaries but we have several articles you can read plus we can talk about them too.  They can be a bit tricky to get but once you do, they work very well.

[Millylee]

Thank you for responding, ive been on other support groups and just get ignored, people on talk to certain people even though I tried to get involved with others posts as well. I guess I already knew the answers to this stuff, and no im no longer in therapy, the growth I gained I have done has been own my own by educating myself . . Ive actually tried therapy in the past a few times and each and every time , I am simply sitting there talking and not getting any help working through anything for a resolution, Im told stuff I already know and wasting my money talking to myself. I Even my friend with bipolar told me that she didnt even begin to heal until she moved away to a large area that has doctors well versed in different mental illnesses. I  live in a very very small rural town where I hate to say it but people are backwards and honestly their isnt alot of help for mental illness which is sad. It has a stigma to it here so for me im better off not going although it is hard not having anyone to talk to about it, but for him, he has tried it and it failed him beause it wasnt the right person with a background in personality disorders. I dont think are any around my area because I have reached out to many.
As for your answers I guess I already knew the answers so my question is then about me, how do I accept that I cant help him and that he has to figure it out on his own and still be able to better the relationship so it does not end. Im at a dead end because I have all this knowledge and imformation that could help him yet I cant do anything with it so I get frustrated and then find myself acting out and not able to be as calm and supportive and rational as I really want to be. I have to be the strong one in this and sometimes it is just too heartbreakimg to be that way. I see him struggling, i know he is putting on a front so that no one will know (me included) yet he wont even be open to listen to what I have to say about anything not just  BPD, (i would never confront him with that). I know the real him and he is a sweet , caring , loving, beautiful and senstive person so Im not buying the story he tells that he is healed and cured. If he was healed he wouldnt be isolating him in his house never leaving except for work.  I am talking about every day struggles he faces. I want to make things better and right now i know Im making it worse which ive done in the past and it pushed him away to leave.  If I could make things better perhaps in the future he would trust me to be more open but I dont know how to just accept that he doesnt want to get better and that he really isnt ok  and keep going on pretending. Ir is emotionally draining not knowing what to do. I just want to be a positive influence and make things better and not worse.

[Bnonymous]

Hi MillyLee



I'm glad you found us.

I guess I already knew the answers so my question is then about me, how do I accept that I cant help him and that he has to figure it out on his own and still be able to better the relationship so it does not end. Im at a dead end because I have all this knowledge and imformation that could help him yet I cant do anything with it so I get frustrated and then find myself acting out and not able to be as calm and supportive and rational as I really want to be.

You're right that it is up to him to help himself. You certainly can't "fix" him. That can be frustrating, but it is something that needs to be accepted and it's great that you're starting to do that. On the other hand, people with BPD do tend to do better when they have a stable, supportive, caregiver in their lives. That is not a role for ex-partners, but, if you get your relationship back on track (as it seems both of you have been taking steps towards doing) then all the work you have done with therapy and educating yourself will help you to be a centred and supportive partner. If you don't end up going forward with this relationship for any reason, the work will help you in other areas of your life - it won't be wasted.

If you focus your learning (then use your knowledge) on things you can do for yourself and to better your interactions with him, then that might help you to feel empowered and less frustrated. You can also use your knowledge/learning to lead by example with him. And if you focus on maintaining your side of the street, it tends to improve the road overall.

I'm unable to tell from your posts, what is the status of your relationship now? Are you back together but he's withdrawing a lot? Or are you still separated but speaking with a view to rebuilding the relationship when you're both ready? Or something else?

[Millylee]

I havent been able to respond because I couldnt get to your response so my apologies but to answer your question At the time of my last post i didnt know what we were but alot has happened in this short time and it is not good. We were talking daily working towards seeing each other again so i guess working to get to that place but he was withdrawling more and more each day. At first he was so eager to speak to me and happy and his sweet old self. We caught up on the past 7 months we were not in each others lives. I Have a chihuahua that he had the most special bond with, they were inseperable so we talked of that and my family and he had gotten a job again and was proud of himself . I tried to lift him up and keep his spirits high. He has always been so down on himself. Alot of it was text because he felt he wasnt ready to have a long talking conversation about what is going on with him.
    Most was light conversation but he started saying strange things that gave me red flags, so I tried to pull stuff out of him without directly saying anything. I spoke of his past addictions in my first post,  to be able to cope with the trauma he endured as a child and has yet to face, and as a result of his last addiction he went into full psychosis and was hospitalized twice in the time we were not speaking. Some of the stuff reminded me of what he use to say while it was leading up to that. I didnt know what to do so i reached out to his mom for help and she completely ignored my calls, up until then we had always gotten along. He had been on antipsychotic medications and I could tell he stopped them and was drinking. So i wrote a letter last Friday evening and dropped it off and simply stated that I love him and want him to live a long healthy life so if he isnt ok he could come to me and I would do my best to get him the proper care he needs. I said I wont judge him or turn my back on him no matter how bad it is . I also stated if it is too much for him emotionally to be talking to me that it is ok and I will let him be as he is and go on with my life because I want him to be ok and not end up back in the hospital. He texted me and said I need to stop hounding him cause it appears im playing games, and I havent heard from him since. Tuesday i heard from a mutual aqaintence that he was hospitalized again and this time what happened was very bad (nothing illegal) just bad mental health. Delusions and psychosis believing he was being told to do certain things which he then did. I reached out to his mom again and got zero response. Today I got a text from his own phone from his sister stating thst his mother no longer wishes to speak with me and that the family knows i did all of this to him (they scapegoated me our entire relationship) and they will make sure He never speaks to me again. I am devastated by this. I dont know if my letter created this or not but I have never done anythig but love ne support him. I did respond back to her once and said I havent seen him in a year and that their family should now be at a point realizing It has nothing to do with me and that he needs all the support and encouragement he can get. She wrote back it is me causing it abd that he needs no one but his family they are all he has and they will make sure he will never call me again . The sad part is that they really will make sure he doesnt call me again if he does get better. For some reason he wants to please his family more then anything and this is how they control him becayse if he doesnt do as they wish they make him feel like he is bad and wants to be at this horrible place in his life and i have heard from his pwn mothers mouth  that hes a adult and does as he pleases and she cant stop him , he chose this life cause he enjoys it . Then turns around and controls who he has in his life. I cant even express my sadness for him. I  am literally the only person that has ever dared to face his family and say the truth be ause i feel he deserves to have someone on his side. I honestky genuinely love him and would never hurt him in any way shape or form. I dont even know why they feel I caused his addictions when he has had them since childhood. I feel broken and lost and now my hands are tied and it took him 7 months to call me the last time so I dont feel there is any hope. More then anything I just want him to heal and realize all the wonderful beautiful things about himself that I see and live a happy life getting past what caused him have BPD in the first place,  even if it isnt with me. I dont know what to do,  It took me a long time to truly forgive him for what I had to endure over those 4 years and the things I saw and I have forgiven him and have nothing but love and support for him. Ive learned so much and have worked really hard to have the education and emotional stability to be able to handle all of this. I know everything now and could get him real help if he would want it and now its not possible and They will change his number while hes away so I cant contact him in any way. I have the utmost compassion for individuals suffering with this, it truly is hell for them. I dont understand why his family does not want him to heal, it is so toxic yet they do not see it. Why wouldnt they want him to have outside support from me or anyone. Why dont they want someone to care about him and be there by his side with encouragement and the love he so longs to have. I know that he cares about me , everytime something has brought us back to each other and he never has shut that door completely, he always leaves it ajar. Im worried that he isnt ok or responding to treatment  I dont know how long they will mandate he stay , and I havent been able to find any information on addiction or psychosis or families like this and BPD together. Is it very rare that it happens ? Ive been scouring the internet to educate on these topics and and nothing turns up, I just dont know where to go from here or do I give up?

[Bnonymous]

Hi Millylee,

I'm sorry to hear that things have taken such a dark turn.

Your actions sound insightful and loving. I think the fact that you recognised the signs that this was coming says a lot about how mindful and attuned you are to him and the situation. That you then reached out to his mom to try and work together to preempt the breakdown was also thoughtful. I'm sorry she wasn't receptive to that.

You say that he's desperate to please his family even though childhood trauma plays a big part in his illness and addictions. I don't think this is uncommon, sadly. Sometimes people become almost addicted to trying to obtain familial approval in these situations. It doesn't sound particularly healthy and it may be that it is holding him back. Hopefully the professionals he comes into contact with will pick up on and help him to work through some of this stuff.

  I dont know how long they will mandate he stay , and I havent been able to find any information on addiction or psychosis or families like this and BPD together. Is it very rare that it happens ? Ive been scouring the internet to educate on these topics and and nothing turns up, I just dont know where to go from here or do I give up?

What is it exactly that you're looking for? Are you looking for info on BPD and addictions combined, BPD and childhood trauma combined, or BPD and currently enmeshed family set-ups?