My experience as the non-BP spouse

[orangesherbet]

Wish I knew about this disorder earlier.  Surprisingly it was my wife who called my attention to it.  She once sent me a psychology article that she thought was illustrative of how she felt about a recent spat.  It was the first time in our (then) 8-year long relationship that it occurred to me that she might have an "abnormal" frame of reference for her reality.  It pushed me to Google "fear of abandonment".  She'd mentioned it over the years but I'd always dismissed it as a regular kind of phobia, not unlike my fear of spiders.  But when I got to thinking about it - what does "fear of abandonment" even MEAN to a grown adult?  That Google search got us to BPD.  It was so so helpful to understand this as a known condition, with a community and research and anecdotes.  Reading "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" confirmed we were in charted territory - still in the woods, but KNOWN woods.  What a relief!

Since then things have improved.  She still triggers and gets irrationally angry at me (and her mom, but not our kids yet thank goodness).  But on her part, she'll introspect - usually she'll come around later and affirm it's just a reaction to a trigger.  On my part, I'm trying to look at her tantrums more like allergic reactions than her being a colossal a**hole.

I still have a hard time not feeling bitter.  The generic pattern is she blows up at me 2 or 3 times a week for doing a chore "wrong".  But she manages to express it in a way that denies everything I contribute to the relationship - which includes some crazy walking-on-eggshells concessions that most people would consider objectively unfair.  And that exasperation causes a chain reaction - it takes me back to her two affairs, the development of insomnia and depression after enduring years of her rage.  You ever watch homeless people rant at an invisible person?  I become that.  I come from a loving, caring background - I can't believe I can relate to something that extreme.

I'm just exploring how it feels to connect to other couples that deal with BPD.  Thanks for reading this!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[itsmeSnap]

Hey orangesherbet

Good to hear you have a success story!

On my part, I'm trying to look at her tantrums more like allergic reactions than her being a colossal a**hole.

I've used that analogy before, seems very fitting.

Since then things have improved
[... .]
I still have a hard time not feeling bitter.

Yep, its more about "management" than resolution.

Can you tell us a way in which things "changed" that made things better? for science! 

It was so so helpful to understand this as a known condition, with a community and research and anecdotes.

I know right? To me it was kind of eerie to read my story and my reactions, how did they know what I thought before I did?  surprise surprise, turns out I wasn't the first one in the situation.