Trip to the store

[Akita]

So I wanted to go to the store to get snacks for the Superbowl.  I asked my BPDw what she would like she said Subway and Oreos.  I acted less than thrilled as I had planned on making nachos for dinner.  I hugged her before I left.  While I was gone she was in charge of our 4 yr old son.  She said she felt useless because of my reactions to her food selections and went and cut herself 3 times to feel better.  What could I do differently?  I brought back her Oreos and left again to get her a Subway sandwich.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[desperate.wife]

Sorry to hear that, must be very stressful.

I acted less than thrilled as I had planned on making nachos for dinner.  I hugged her before I left. 

How exactly did you act? What did you say? What did she say? Did she know you had plans for dinner?

 
D.W

[Akita]

I told her I was making nachos for dinner.  She doesn't like nachos but didn't say anything just that she would like Oreos and subway.  When I came back she complained that I didn't have any subway.  I again said I was making nachos.  So I asked if she would like me to leave again and get her a Subway.  By this time she had already cut.  She cut as soon as I left the house because I made her feel useless by not acting supportive of food choices... .

[desperate.wife]

So if she doesn't like it and she asked for something else instead, what is the problem? Why couldn't you just bring her subway at first place? Just trying to understand your situation. In my family no one was forced to eat what they don't like, my mom even would cook 3 different meals  I can see how it could be upsetting if your loved one is going to prepare something you don't like and wouldn't consider that you might want something else.

[Akita]

How is her response appropriate?   And she had other things in the house to eat and I went and got her subway out of kindness.

[desperate.wife]

Right now you sound upset. Understandable. Learning why people do it, what they feel and how to talk or not to talk with them, knowing they triggers might help to improve situations.

Her response is not appropriate - she is not well. And it must be terrifying to you. But something made her feel unworthy. She asked for sandwich and was denied it, for her it could have felt as if she didn't matter. How exactly this conversation went? It is important to know details to know what could be improved.

Have you read about why some people with BPD hurt themselves? It is not to scare you, to guilt you, it is about how they feel or not feel. It looks scarier to the family than the action really is. Imagine how she suffers that she needs to do this to feel better?  I hope that someone with more knowledge on the subject could help you.

 

[Akita]

Thank you.  That did make me feel better.  Maybe it was how I spoke to her.  Thanks for helping me