Compassion for me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I seem to cope for long periods in living with a pwBPD but am wondering if in doing so I am denying reality to my feelings. This has possibly been triggered by a recent house move and the fact I am off sick from work long term due to cardiac problems and investigations. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about compassion burnout but perhaps it is because I realise I am lacking compassion for myself?

I have certainly been trying to persuade my partner that things will all work out for the best and on a recent holiday he seemed a lot brighter and we had a genuinely nice time together, but since returning things have gone rapidly down hill. A couple of weeks ago (whilst drunk) he told me I had 'ruined his life', when sober of course he had forgotten this and I let it pass.

Last night he was in a foul temper trying to fix a cabinet, I offered to help but was treated very badly and  must admit lost my temper and said that this cannot go on as I feel unloved, uncared for and disrespected. No doubt this was the trigger for the note I received today again blaming me for all his problems and telling me I am impossible to live with.

However much I might intellectually understand this illness it still completely confounds me and I feel trapped now in my own emotions. I have asked if he wants to explain the note and tell me what lies behind it but of course he just stared at me with contempt.

This is no way to live a life and for the first time in a long time I feel that I have had enough and want rid of him for good, I am for from perfect but today a life alone seems a lot healthier than feeling like this.

Hence I cannot feel compassion for him at the moment, I get it that he is in pain and projecting that onto me but I do not feel strong enough to handle this at the moment.

Ortac

[ortac77]

I seem to cope for long periods in living with a pwBPD but am wondering if in doing so I am denying reality to my feelings. This has possibly been triggered by a recent house move and the fact I am off sick from work long term due to cardiac problems and investigations. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about compassion burnout but perhaps it is because I realise I am lacking compassion for myself?

I have certainly been trying to persuade my partner that things will all work out for the best and on a recent holiday he seemed a lot brighter and we had a genuinely nice time together, but since returning things have gone rapidly down hill. A couple of weeks ago (whilst drunk) he told me I had 'ruined his life', when sober of course he had forgotten this and I let it pass.

Last night he was in a foul temper trying to fix a cabinet, I offered to help but was treated very badly and  must admit lost my temper and said that this cannot go on as I feel unloved, uncared for and disrespected. No doubt this was the trigger for the note I received today again blaming me for all his problems and telling me I am impossible to live with.

However much I might intellectually understand this illness it still completely confounds me and I feel trapped now in my own emotions. I have asked if he wants to explain the note and tell me what lies behind it but of course he just stared at me with contempt.

This is no way to live a life and for the first time in a long time I feel that I have had enough and want rid of him for good, I am for from perfect but today a life alone seems a lot healthier than feeling like this.

Hence I cannot feel compassion for him at the moment, I get it that he is in pain and projecting that onto me but I do not feel strong enough to handle this at the moment.

Ortac

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Ortac  . How horrible to have to deal with your own health problems as well as a loved one who transfers his negative emotions onto you. Knowing what's happening on an intellectual level doesn't necessarily make it easier to handle emotionally.

I've been where you are (minus the health problem) very recently and, actually, still toggle back and forth. There are days when I fantasize about being single again -- even feeling occasionally lonely in my tiny apartment on a strict budget. It sounds like heaven.

Something that's been pointed out to me here recently is that denying my own feelings is not sustainable and is, in fact, very damaging and even dangerous.

It's natural, I think, in situations like yours and mine to shut down emotionally. To go cold. To "check out." Yet, in a relationship with a pwBPD, that will only make the situation worse. They can pick up on it and it triggers their fear of abandonment. I was told that if you're in a relationship, you must be "in" the relationship and working to improve it.

Lately, I've forced myself to make an effort. When he's not dysregulating, I show more affection. I'll slip my arm through his, hold his hand, give him a peck on the cheek, joke around with him. It's not easy and there are plenty of times I don't really feel like doing it, but I'm starting to see a difference. His mood has improved noticeably since I started it a couple of weeks ago. And I've felt some of the building anger and resentment slip away.

It's also vital, though, that you not deny your own feelings. Are there things you can do for self-care? A hobby you enjoy? Friends you could visit with? A way you could step away for a weekend break or something without triggering him? Anything?

Bringing up your feelings and needs while he's in a mood is not, as you saw last night, very likely to be productive. His shame reflex will kick in big-time. Some people have success bringing it up (with lots of empathy and "I" statements) during a calm happy time. Not something I've felt brave enough to attempt yet and it really depends on the individuals involved. Something that was suggested to me: When he says something hurtful, just saying "Ouch" or "that makes me feel sad" or something along those lines, then gradually and eventually working up to a full discussion.

[ortac77]

Hi Ozzie

Yes its tough at the moment I usually have work to balance me out rather than being home so much (this of course is part of the problem I am party to the neglect and isolation that he displays) quite apart from my own concerns about the future (which he picks up on but of course cannot be empathetic).

I hate being so emotional about this - guess because I have buried my feelings for so long.I find however that any emotionality I display only triggers a worse reaction from my partner - I tend not to check out but at the moment it seems the only option!

Believe me I have tried to be closer but he just recoils - it just does not work and when I try to be light and humorous its ignored!

Yes I have hobbies and have been engaged in them also getting out and seeing people but that also just produces negativity. Im in a hole at the moment - he says he wants to leave (and I would probably be relieved if he did) but its just words as he has not moved from bed for 24 hours.

[once removed]

by compassion for him, do you mean feeling sorry for him/his condition?

what did he say in the note?

[ortac77]

By compassion I think I mean understanding his condition and making allowances, which in the main I do. I have been very supportive over the years and in the past made a lot of mistakes by enabling.  However I struggle when the blame for it is laid on me and I am expected to be a mind reader thus walking on eggshells to avoid triggering him.

I won't reproduce the note but in précis.

Its not his fault that I am unwell and off work - I have never suggested that it is

That I don't understand how difficult life is for him because he has to be perfect and cannot ask for help. I am expected to mind read and know what his needs are, when I don't I get berated, eg he ran out of cigarettes yesterday so gets angry that I did not buy any for him. I had already asked if he needed anything whilst I was shopping.

I don't help him Given the above What the heck

I shouldn't ask how he is feeling.I am expected to know, actually most of the time I can see it in his eyes

I have ruined his life It used to be his FOO that ruined his life which is why he had nothing to do with them

He wants to live on his own so because I am impossible to live with Well Im sure not perfect but others see me as easy going - my main fault I believe is that I am too much of a people pleaser.

I don't consider his needs and feelings I do find his moods and withdrawal hard at times, he will opt out of any contact for days on end and I generally leave him to it, I can't force him to engage with me

He cant cope financially and I am mean I really get annoyed at this, he doesn't work and is on benefits I pretty much pay all the bills, food etc

I don't show him affection If I try I am rebuffed usually, the only time I can get close is if he needs a hug

Ive always wanted to get rid of him and now he is giving me what I want Well he did say the other day that we are incompatible and asked me if I would be happier if he moved away, I didn't give a direct answer because I felt put on the spot at a point where I was tired. Having said we could both think and talk about what was best for both of us may have been the trigger for all this.

Been here before - in fact he behaved similarly last year - again just after holiday and he is such a different person on holiday - it feels as if the break from reality does him more harm than good.

I should add we moved areas late last year so I am sure he feels a bit unsettled in a new environment, but as apart from popping out for cigarettes he never leaves the house i am not sure that this makes much difference.

He has a CPN and a therapist but is refusing to engage with them, his DBT last year led to a marked improvement but at the moment if he uses the skills at all he is using them as a stick to beat me psychologically.

This too will pass, yesterday I had lunch with a friend and at least was able to get some badly needed support from her.

[Ozzie101]

By compassion I think I mean understanding his condition and making allowances, which in the main I do. I have been very supportive over the years and in the past made a lot of mistakes by enabling.  However I struggle when the blame for it is laid on me and I am expected to be a mind reader thus walking on eggshells to avoid triggering him.

It's extremely difficult to keep compassion going when you're the target of so much blame and so many unfair accusations. That's why self-care and support systems are so important. Sometimes it's hard to hold onto reality and not get sucked into their world.

As for being emotional, that's natural from time to time. In my case, before I "caught on" I would have an emotional reaction. Now, I tend to go ice cold, which just makes him frustrated. But burying feelings isn't healthy either. They have to come out somehow and if they're buried too deep too long, the way they come out will not be pretty. Having some sort of healthy release could do a world of good. Any ideas there? (Asking for me too because that's something I'm currently struggling with.)

That I don't understand how difficult life is for him because he has to be perfect and cannot ask for help. I am expected to mind read and know what his needs are, when I don't I get berated, eg he ran out of cigarettes yesterday so gets angry that I did not buy any for him. I had already asked if he needed anything whilst I was shopping.

I don't help him Given the above What the heck

I shouldn't ask how he is feeling.I am expected to know, actually most of the time I can see it in his eyes

Very familiar to me. I've been blasted many times for not jumping in to help him -- when there's no way I would have known he needed it. Or not understanding how much pressure is on him as the main breadwinner for the family. If anyone can't read H's mind, he gets very annoyed and frustrated. It must be part of the disorder. How do you react when he makes those kinds of accusations to your face?

Ive always wanted to get rid of him and now he is giving me what I want Well he did say the other day that we are incompatible and asked me if I would be happier if he moved away, I didn't give a direct answer because I felt put on the spot at a point where I was tired. Having said we could both think and talk about what was best for both of us may have been the trigger for all this.

That could very well have been a big trigger -- a fear of abandonment and that you may be walking out the door. I've had a similar reaction to H before in a tired, vulnerable moment. He's actually been on better behavior since, but I'm kind of waiting for another shoe to drop.

So glad you were able to get together with your friend!

[ortac77]

It's extremely difficult to keep compassion going when you're the target of so much blame and so many unfair accusations. That's why self-care and support systems are so important. Sometimes it's hard to hold onto reality and not get sucked into their world.

I think circumstances are playing a part here, usually as I said I have a career that is not only engaging but also I travel a lot thus I spend time away, for me this has probably provided a healthy dose of 'reality'. I also have enjoyed good health generally so there is no doubt that I am in a place that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me psychologically at the moment. To a degree therefore I probably am getting sucked in more than I normally would.

As for being emotional, that's natural from time to time. In my case, before I "caught on" I would have an emotional reaction. Now, I tend to go ice cold, which just makes him frustrated. But burying feelings isn't healthy either. They have to come out somehow and if they're buried too deep too long, the way they come out will not be pretty. Having some sort of healthy release could do a world of good. Any ideas there? (Asking for me too because that's something I'm currently struggling with.)

Yes i do see that we become emotional, TBH I suspect much of my feelings at the moment are driven by uncertainty about the future which I am sure is also a trigger for him. After all I'm the provider, sick pay only lasts for a certain amount of time and it is therefore important that I plan for the worst but hope for the best. The problem of course then leads to his comments about being mean. From another thread the concept of needs/wants and instant gratification was discussed, I can see that however logical it is to protect finances for the future that flies in the face of his 'wants'.

As for 'healthy release' my options are limited at the moment but I am doing my best to keep myself busy and engaged and keeping in touch with friends.

Very familiar to me. I've been blasted many times for not jumping in to help him -- when there's no way I would have known he needed it. Or not understanding how much pressure is on him as the main breadwinner for the family. If anyone can't read H's mind, he gets very annoyed and frustrated. It must be part of the disorder. How do you react when he makes those kinds of accusations to your face?

I find the problem here is he does not know his own needs and I think this is a lot of his frustration, the 'mind reading' stuff I think goes something like this "I don't know what I want but I don't want to feel like this. You should know what I need and if you don't supply it I shall get more angry and frustrated, if I get angry and frustrated I shall blame you because I cannot be responsible because if I am I cannot cope with the feeling of guilt and shame that causes."
The interesting thing is those accusations are rarely direct to my face, they come in the form of nasty texts or notes left around the house after he has dwelt on them for a while. I can actually see that they are usually projection of his feelings turned around to make me feel responsible.

I used to react (bad strategy) then I started to respond (better strategy) at the moment to a large extent I am simply ignoring, he has now isolated for 72 hours and ASFAIK not eaten anything. I think I am meant to 'apologise and persuade him' but I am taking the view that I have nothing to apologise for and that it has to be his responsibility to take care of himself as he is an adult not a child.

That could very well have been a big trigger -- a fear of abandonment and that you may be walking out the door. I've had a similar reaction to H before in a tired, vulnerable moment. He's actually been on better behavior since, but I'm kind of waiting for another shoe to drop.

Maybe, however I think it goes deeper than that. When we first got together he was running away from his FOO, I heard many accusations of how badly he he had been treated and I believed them at the time. Over the years we have been together he has 'run away' several times and did spend some time in a hostel after subjecting me to abuse. On the whole things have been a lot better recently but I can see that in his total financial dependence on me that the real trigger is probably my current ill health. I am not accusing him of 'not caring' I think at one level he does, however I can see that "this does not suit him" and is no doubt destabilising.

So glad you were able to get together with your friend!

Yes it helps for sure, I am lucky that I do have lines of support and on the whole they keep me sane. It also helps that the reflection form others seeks to reassure me that I am OK and doing the best I can at a difficult time. To a degree I can see that he is probably doing the best that he can and perhaps I can understand the thinking that if he moved independently all his troubles would disappear. I also realise it does not matter if I think he will only take them with him much as I am not looking for the relationship to end I am accepting that if it does then I can only wish him well and if he wants to 'blame me' there is little I can do about it

[Ozzie101]

TBH I suspect much of my feelings at the moment are driven by uncertainty about the future which I am sure is also a trigger for him. After all I'm the provider, sick pay only lasts for a certain amount of time and it is therefore important that I plan for the worst but hope for the best. The problem of course then leads to his comments about being mean. From another thread the concept of needs/wants and instant gratification was discussed, I can see that however logical it is to protect finances for the future that flies in the face of his 'wants'.

That's a recipe for a very stressful situation, for sure. Financial worries and uncertainties are difficult in any relationship. Throw in a personality disorder and it's even worse.

As for the "mean" thing -- it's been explained to me before that, in a lot of ways, our partners are people who skipped a developmental stage and are stuck. How does a small child react when they don't get what they want? Or when an adult tells them "no"? They think the adult in question is "mean."

That's good you're keeping in touch with friends. It's so important to not get isolated. If nothing else, it helps keep us grounded in reality and not get sucked into BPD Land.

"I don't know what I want but I don't want to feel like this. You should know what I need and if you don't supply it I shall get more angry and frustrated, if I get angry and frustrated I shall blame you because I cannot be responsible because if I am I cannot cope with the feeling of guilt and shame that causes."
The interesting thing is those accusations are rarely direct to my face, they come in the form of nasty texts or notes left around the house after he has dwelt on them for a while. I can actually see that they are usually projection of his feelings turned around to make me feel responsible.

That's a really good analysis of the mind reading and his own frustrations and feelings. I've seen the same thing myself. Interesting that they come in a round-about way. My H is the opposite. I get those accusations directly to my face, live and in person. Lovely.

His actions and attitudes, like you say, are very child-like. Has he done something like this before -- isolate himself and go on a hunger strike to try to get you to cave?

To a degree I can see that he is probably doing the best that he can and perhaps I can understand the thinking that if he moved independently all his troubles would disappear. I also realise it does not matter if I think he will only take them with him much as I am not looking for the relationship to end I am accepting that if it does then I can only wish him well and if he wants to 'blame me' there is little I can do about it

This is true. There's not much you can do about it if he chooses to blame you. He may think his troubles would disappear (so many people fall into this line of thinking -- if I could just move, if I could just change jobs, I would be happy) but they would not because, as much as he wants to blame you, much of the problem is inside him -- the one person he can't get away from. That's a difficult thing to realize and even more difficult and terrifying to accept. My H has taken to blaming me for everything, big or small. Some things, yes, I can accept as my fault or somehow connected to me. But I'm also aware that at its core, his dissatisfaction and unhappiness reside in him. Not in our relationship. Not in me. Not in my family. Not in his job. If he's not willing or able to acknowledge this and do the work, then his chances of finding peace and real happiness drop considerably.

[ortac77]

Hi Ozzie

Yes isolation and not eating are a common response in this situation in the hope that I will cave in, apologise. He knows full well that I intensely dislike the silent treatment and feigned indifference.

I have this time however decided that this will not happen on this occasion, not because I am angry about it, in fact not really feeling anything negative now rather enjoying the peace!

I was thinking of something my Mother used to say to me when I sulked as a chid "Nobody loves me everybody hates me - going down the garden to eat worms" - yes he is displaying very childish behaviour and I do not feel like being a parent.

[Ozzie101]

My mom used to say something very similar! Yes, giving in tends to reinforce certain behaviors, in my experience.

[ortac77]

I think the difficulty I find here is how long I put up with being ignored? There is no doubt when looking at my feelings it feels uncomfortable and very devaluing of me as a person.


I can take two attitudes towards this
1. That it is passive- aggressive designed to push me into reacting either by my 'caving in' or reacting angrily. Both designed to elicit a reaction from me.
2.He needs to isolate to calm himself and think through his options.

Now I am definitely of the mindset that it is 1 - because such behaviour is not uncommon and in the past I have always ended up being the one to persuade him to talk. The "I don't love you and I am leaving" is also a line I have heard before however he does not leave usually because I eventually cave in! Negative re-inforcement.

So far this week I have kept myself busy and occupied by tasks or making sure I engage with others but I confess to feeling pretty p'd off today having a 'sulky child' in my house who is playing a game of trying to manipulate me.

As I said under normal circumstances (me not off sick from work) I would have that to divert me and I am aware I do need some other alternative strategy to stop me focussing on this situation as it is beginning to affect my wellbeing.

At this stage I have simply left him a note asking " what does he think is happening, does he have any ideas about how we might find a way forward?"
I have not proposed any solutions because I know when I vulnerable Find it too easy to accept what actually is not acceptable.

[Ozzie101]

That's great that you're drawing a line. I understand the struggle. It's very button-pushing to have to put up with that, especially when you don't have your usual diversions and distractions. I hope you can find some other distractions. Even something as simple as getting out and taking a walk can help some people get into a better headspace.

It could very well be #1, as you say. Of course, it could also be a combo of the two.

My H tends to do the "sulky child" routine, too, along with a lot of passive-aggressive (and untrue, button-pushing) statements. In fact, he was doing that last night. Before, I would bend over backwards trying to make him happy and make him feel better. But once I saw how childish he was being, I started acting like the adult dealing with a kid. Calm. Firm. In charge. Unbudging. Empathetic. I've noticed his sulky episodes have been shortening. When he sees it's not working and it's not going to work, he pulls himself out and tries something else -- again, like a child.

[415]

I won't reproduce the note but in précis.

Its not his fault that I am unwell and off work - I have never suggested that it is

That I don't understand how difficult life is for him because he has to be perfect and cannot ask for help. I am expected to mind read and know what his needs are, when I don't I get berated, eg he ran out of cigarettes yesterday so gets angry that I did not buy any for him. I had already asked if he needed anything whilst I was shopping.

I don't help him Given the above What the heck

That note could've been written by my wife.  She's had her own business for over 3yrs.  One fear/block of her is numbers/math.  So I help with her bookkeeping all of the time.  EVERY time she eventually bursts into tears, calls herself stupid and then says "no one ever helps her".   Every time... .I help her, me and only me.  I don't know how she would even think to say that.  When we met i owned my home and it was completely paid off.  She moved in and i've never charged her anything to live there, the the last 4 yrs i've paid all bills as i wanted her to focus on building her business and not worrying about money, just finished paying off a $50K renovation so she could have her business, I planned our wedding and paid for most of it, etc, etc.   By all accounts she has a wonderful life free of many everyday stresses that others face... .BUT... .something has to be wrong all of the time and she's recently left and isn't talking to me.   I used to tease her a bit because one time she broke down in tears and said "all i've ever wanted is to be perfect".   I was like "that's all?... .seems reasonable".   Of course i would never tease her again knowing about BPD because it her head being perfect is actually attainable and causes stress.

[ortac77]

Hi 415

They want help, but they don't want help because they don't know what they want! Ah perfection, well don't we all except it doesn't exist, not in this life anyway.

I am thoroughly fed up and angry today, after what seemed a nice weekend and a dose of being together he woke me at 3am today, clearly drunk and in  turn I am:-

I don't understand him
I am cold and heartless
I don't have any feelings
I think I am clever
and a host of other sleights on my character - oh and the real humdinger - because I treat him like a child I must be a peadophile!

Jeez I now have not been able to get back to sleep, of course he is full of bloody booze and probably won't even remember when he finally wakes up. I don't think I can continue down this path and have been reading up on leaving the relationship tools. I am very angry now and considering reporting him for psychological abuse.