New, mom currently not talking with me

[Jen1181]

Hello. I came across this site when researching BPD recently. I believe my mother has BPD. She is not diagnosed with it that I know of. She has seen several different psychiatrists and therapists for as long as I can remember, however, I do not feel she is always honest with them. Many of the descriptions of the fights we have had remind me of growing up with her. I am 37 years old currently, married and have children of my own. We recently have fought and she has shunned me for good (at least for now). Our fights usually start with something minor, not even anything most people would get upset about. I am usually even embarrassed to say what we fight about out loud, to people in general. After a lifetime of chaos, I just need to work on what I can do myself. After reading about BPD, it really hit me that although I consider myself a pretty strong person, emotionally, that all of it has really affected me, more than I realized. I plan on starting to see a therapist, which is not something I have ever done in the past. My mom has taken me to her therapist to complain about me and when they basically would tell her that something was wrong with her or how she was handling things, she would get furious and not go back. I need to know what else I should be doing to work on myself. My mom and I are not talking currently and we will be going through the holidays. One part of me thinks this is the most peaceful my life has been but then if I really think about things long enough, it is really sad and unfortunate and there has to be some way to get through to her but I am at a loss... .

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board Jen!  I am glad you are reaching out.  You are in a place where we understand and get what you are experiencing so at least you are in good company!     The other good news is that things can get better for you.

Can you share some of the specific behaviors and what you mom says when in an argument?  Sometimes having more details paints a better picture and then we can guide you better.  We work on improving relationships when possible and on adopting better coping skills, including having appropriate boundaries.  

Is this the first time you mom has used the silent treatment against you as a way to withdraw or punish?  If it has happened before, how does the silent treatment usually end?  Does she contact you and then pretend nothing happened or something else?

I hope you get comfortable here and read and share and jump into other threads as we all benefit by talking with each other.   Getting new perspectives and seeing how others manage their relationships can help us as well.

Again, welcome.  

[Jen1181]

If Im being honest, we have had these "fights" my whole life. It has always been difficult to explain because when we are getting along, its almost as if nothing bad ever happened. I let myself believe I am going to have the mother-daughter relationship I want, yet that never happens. The latest "fight," she blew up over my 11 year old saying to one of the other grandkids that her basement smelled like cat pee. It was a random statement by a child, yet she texted me saying she was disappointed in me and so hurt by that. When that happened, I had told him not to be saying those things. She didn't bother to ask about the conversation or listen to anything I had to say really. It was so confusing to me at the time, its almost as if she wanted to fight with me but I couldn't understand why. Then we didnt talk, we normally would talk on the phone (I would call her mostly) daily, for a few weeks. Everyone else in my family isolates me, based on what she is feeling for the day, except for my oldest brother. She actually dragged him into her fight over nothing. She told him he doesn't have a heart for his mother, even though he wasn't a part of that at all. He just ignored it and didn't respond to her at all. He ended up getting into a bad car wreck, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. I ended up talking to my mother at the hospital, only regarding my brother. He was in the ICU and she decided to tell me that she put her house up for sale and was moving across the country. Meanwhile, her son, who she wasn't speaking to, could have died! This erratic behavior is how she has been always, it just seems to be worsening over time. She went on to tell my brothers friend who visited him in the hospital that I didn't like his daughters and that there would be tension because of me basically. Then my father made a statement, which really upset me, because it is like he is brainwashed by her (they are divorced and he is a high functioning alcoholic, sneaking alcohol while at the hospital with my brother). After that, I didn't speak to her for a while. I did get upset with her from all of it and when she did reach out via text, I treated her how she always treats me. I told her its great she wants to talk to me now, however, I would talk to her when I am good and ready. She responded back with a long, nasty text saying she is done, doesn't deserve this treatment from her only daughter. She told me not to call her or text her, to think of her as dead, then said "oh wait you already do." Then said you have 2 sons, everything comes back! I responded back telling her I would never treat my boys the way she treats me and that was it, haven't heard anything since. We have had fights before, once not talking for 2 months! I honestly don't even know if a relationship is at all possible with her. I am mainly trying to work through things for myself and my family. I didn't even realize how much she has affected me for so long until I came across a podcast on BPD and it hit me... .it sounded so close to home. The only trait she doesn't have that I know of is suicidal or self-mutilating. Everything else, she has.

[Harri]

I honestly don't even know if a relationship is at all possible with her. I am mainly trying to work through things for myself and my family. I didn't even realize how much she has affected me for so long until I came across a podcast on BPD and it hit me... .it sounded so close to home.

Hi and thanks for the details.  That is a lot to deal with.  I am so sorry to hear about your brother.  What a difficult thing for him and you all.  I am also sorry to hear that you mom has treated you this way all of your life.

A lot of us did not realize the effect BPD had on us until much later in life.  You are not alone there.  We can help and support you as you work your way through healing and learning better ways of communicating with your mom.  I am not saying you said anything wrong though.  I just mean that many times people with BPD process things differently that we may intend and on top of that they have a lot of fear that drives many of their behaviors, often using very dysfunctional coping skills.

I like the fact that you are not afraid to speak up to her.  Sometimes that is half that struggle.  

We have a Survivor to Thriver Program thread at the top of the board that you might be interested in reading through.  Reading through the different steps and identifying where you think you are in terms of Remembering, Mourning and Healing can help you choose how you want to work on things and begin/continue the healing process.

 

[Turkish]

The latest "fight," she blew up over my 11 year old saying to one of the other grandkids that her basement smelled like cat pee. It was a random statement by a child, yet she texted me saying she was disappointed in me and so hurt by that

Curious response to something someone else said.  I think she expects you to control your kids like she did (and is still trying to)  control you.  Your son's point was truthful.  

When visiting,  my mom reeked of animal urine,  cigarette smoke and mildew due to her living in her hoard house.  She bristled and got offended if anyone made a comment.  

I responded back telling her I would never treat my boys the way she treats me and that was it

I don't blame you for responding that way.  She wished you and her grandchildren emotional harm.  At least on the surface... .She sounds like she was really wanting you to feel how she feels.  My ex once told me,  when I asked her what was gong thru her mind when she lashed out,  "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" And The Golden Rule flies out the window... .

In your case,  who blinks first? What do you have in mind of she contacts you?  I get the sense that you are ok with leaving the ball in her court for now.  We can help with communication tools which may reduce conflict.

[Jen1181]

It is definitely a who blinks first situation and at this point, she has not tried to contact me at all. As a matter of fact, she is avoiding me altogether and running away from her problems. I went to visit my brother, who is 2 hours away currently. She was there, but in another room at the time. She had his daughter (my niece and his granddaughter) and she had them get her things and she left. She would not come into the room where my husband and her grandsons were. When my brother came back in the room, he broke down. I feel so bad for him right now, I know he wants to feel like a family that is very together, however, it seems as if the damage is done... .my mother is not remorseful at all and she doesn’t seem like she ever will be. My father and others around her inform my brother that all our mother does is cry, but she has caused all of this out of nothing. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. She hasn’t officially been diagnosed with BPD but it is only thing I can come up with as a reason for all of this. I am grasping at straws and at this point, I just want to work on my family and myself, grieve I guess... .I feel like trying to force any type of relationship with her at this point would make us back in the same boat... .

[Harri]

I feel like trying to force any type of relationship with her at this point would make us back in the same boat... .

Hi and welcome back.  I agree with what you say here.  Nothing is going to change if you don't work on healing yourself. 

It is unfortunate that your mom is taking things to such an extreme that she is ignoring you and your husband and kids.  Unfortunately she gets to choose how she will behave.  Her emotions will determine how she acts.  Feelings = facts for her.  Looking for her to feel and express remorse to you is not productive at this point though I can certainly understand the disappointment that she does not do so.  It is frustrating. 

Reading back through your posts here I am wondering if you are familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?   Understanding how it plays out and how we take a part in some of the 'drama' and then learning how to stop doing that can help a great deal.

See what you think of the article and then we can talk about it.