Two in the family

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
This is not my first post but i hope it will be my first successful one.
I lost the previous one and could not recover the responses let alone answer them. I apologize for that.
I consider my Hb an uBPD but he has never been i therapy or diagnosed.
I approach this issue with a hope that the devastation that in my view is mainly caused by his sercetiveness, witholding, not sharing, lack of trust and occasional outbreaks of what i guess could be called a " deregulation" when he visciously attacks me in every way he can and destroys what little had been built of intimacy or closeness, that this devastation can be turned around.
My first question is, how did i get into this relationship?
I am a person who questions herself whether or not i am fair, decent to others, useful to society in general, in other words: a good person.
My Hb attacks me time to time on little issues like i did not wash the cucumber correctly or did not push in a drawer to his satisfaction, etc, but after hauling insults destroying a lot of the goodwill in the relationship he never, never admits any wrongdoing. Somehow i am the devil, the doer of all wrong and also the only one in the relationship that causes his outbursts( i have never had and outburst like his in my life, on the contrary, i begged him to stop and after the " deregulation" try to move on and build again, until the next devastation... .
How did i get here?
Am i the same on some level as him?
Or do i have BPD as well?
My first question is about the one who considers themselves non-BPD in the relationship.
How does this happen?
What is my problem?
I am doing therapy and did not get far looking for the answer... .
Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi Copycat2018!

First of all I'm sorry that you are struggeling with finding your posts. I see that you already asked for help on the help desk, but let me try to offer another explanation.

If you are on the starting site of this board (starting site), you can see the list of newest threads. In the column that says 'started by' you can see which member started which thread.
Above and below the list of threads is a counter for the pages, that is currently on [1]. To search for your old posts you can look at earlier pages by clicking on 2, 3, 4 and so on.
Look for your name in the 'started by' column and you will stumble opon your posts eventually. Currently the last ones are on page [5].

Does this help?

Concerning your questions, I think that many of us nons are people who question themselves a lot, put a lot of effort into treating others well and feel good when we can offer our help and support to others. These are all good and valuable qualities, but it also puts us into danger of putting our own needs aside in favor of others.
PwBPD tend to be very charming, passionate and affectionate, so it's easy to get drawn to them. But they also demand a lot of attention and care, often more than we can give without hurting ourselves. And because of the aforementioned characteristics, we have a hard time to draw a line and put ourselves first. So we naturally adjust our behavior, seek fault in ourselves and give even more to accomodate them, until our own mental health is affected as well.

This is my explanation for how we end up in these relationships and our role in it (the short version).
What do you think?

[Purplex]

(double post)

[Copycat2018]

Hi Purplex,

Thank you so much for your help,i did find my post on page 5 and responded to the posts, although very late.

As for the  description of a nice caring person, you put it very well and tactfully down in your response.
In a closer look at both myself and my HbBPD however i see a lot of qualities that must have brought us together and kept us together so far.

I certainly feel very limited by this relationship.
I can not build closeness.
I can not voice my own political opinion.
I can not watch what i want and feel valuable.

So what is keeping me here? In this relationship? What is the equilibrium of this connection?

I think discovering that goes to the heart of who i am and also questions whether i want to be that person any more.

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
To respond to your question, yes, that is a good theory of how we end up in these relationships.

It is quite a challenge to be in this relationship but i can not put all blame on my BPD either. That is why i asked the question.

[Purplex]

Glad you found your posts!   It doesn't matter if you response is delayed, once you post again the threads reappear at the front page and people can jump back in to keep the conversation going.

In a closer look at both myself and my HbBPD however i see a lot of qualities that must have brought us together and kept us together so far.

Yes this is how I think about my relationship as well. No matter how much we are struggling, there are always positive aspects of our relationship and good reasons why I fell for my partner in the first place.

I think discovering that goes to the heart of who i am and also questions whether i want to be that person any more.

I think this is very wise and I couldn't agree more! In a sense, my relationship forces me to take a look at myself, reevaluate who I think I am and what really motivates me to stay. Which values are important to me? What am I missing? I am convinced that no relationship can be perfect and there are always issues couples have to compromise on. And if a compromise is impossible I have to ask myself: Is there a way to compensate for what I am missing? Can my needs be satisfied in an other way? Can I redefine my values? Or is this a core value that I need to share with my partner to truly be happy in my relationship?

How we 'classify' our values is highly individual. Some people value monogamy over everything else and couldn't be with somebody who didn't share this view. Others are perfectly happy in an open marriage. It always depends on the people involved.

In a relationship with a pwBPD our values are challenged even more. A lot of the expectations we had at the start of the relationship or in previous relationships seem impossible to fulfill all of a sudden. So we get to the point where we need to break them down to the core and find out who we are and what is really driving us.

[Copycat2018]

Purplex,
Thank you for your answer. I will have to think about what you wrote a little.
I will get back to you!
Best to You!