Family just keeps coming up

[Ozzie101]

My family has always been H's biggest trigger.

Well, this weekend, H is out of town and I've been looking forward to a few days of peace and quiet.

I love musical theater. LOVE it. I used to perform some until a few years ago. Now, my oldest niece, aged 11, is showing the same interest -- with way more talent. Due to trips, I missed her first two productions (at her school). Now she's gotten an ensemble part in a show at one of the most prestigious theaters in the state.

My sister texted the link for tickets, which are expected to sell out. So, I texted H and said I wanted to go and asked if he wanted to go too. At first, he just said he wasn't sure if he'd be able to, since he's not sure when his family's beach trip will be (dates they'd suggested are all after the show but that's fine). He said I can go ahead and order if I need to.

Fine.

Then I heard again. He said he doesn't think we should support their kids when they don't come to stuff for his son. He's not involved in any activities though he'll play baseball this spring.

Said it's selfish to expect people to spend money to see their kids in stuff. Then accused me of knowing before I told him (I didn't).

It keeps coming up. Anything having to do with the kids becomes a battleground. If I show support (or try to) for the nieces and nephew, it turns into how that's being thoughtless and selfish and showing I don't care about my stepson.

I guess I see his point. They haven't done much for or with SS -- though, to be fair, there hasn't been much opportunity. I've been close to the kids since their birth. I feel sick that every time I want to spend time with them of support them, he lashes out and tells me how much I stink as a stepmother. How awful and selfish my sisters are. How pathetic I am for caring about their kids.

It keeps happening. It will keep happening. I've tried to explain how I feel about the kids. I spend a lot of time with SS. I've gotten more proactive about sending texts to the family when SS does something great (like get straight As). But I can't control what they do or don't do and I won't damage my relationships with the children.

Sorry for a bit of a rant. I'm just feeling sick to my stomach and torn in parts. Again.

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[itsmeSnap]

Sounds like a candidate situation for some "boundary setting".

I love musical theater. LOVE it. I used to perform some until a few years ago. Now, my oldest niece, aged 11, is showing the same interest

Good on you, and good on her!

-- with way more talent

Said it's selfish to expect people to spend money to see their kids in stuff

It would be if they "demanded it", you know they didn't.

If I show support (or try to) for the nieces and nephew, it turns into how that's being thoughtless and selfish and showing I don't care about my stepson.

There's enough love to go around! now as on how to get him to see that, my guess is as good as anyone's.

I guess I see his point. They haven't done much for or with SS -- though, to be fair, there hasn't been much opportunity

Don't let yourself be gaslighted ozzie 

I feel sick that every time I want to spend time with them of support them, he lashes out and tells me how much I stink as a stepmother. How awful and selfish my sisters are. How pathetic I am for caring about their kids.

Oversensitivity to rejection. In his twisted perception: if you care about her kids then don't care about his son, then you don't care about his family, then you don't care about him, and if you don't care about him then you're evil and a bad person, and bad people are pathetic; Therefore, you're pathetic for caring about their kids.

None of that is true of course, just unraveling the thought process.

I can't be sure about his story, but maybe growing up he had selfish family that left him behind, not cared for, so he overcompensates with his son. that might have been his reality, maybe he still thinks it is.

It keeps happening. It will keep happening. I've tried to explain how I feel about the kids. I spend a lot of time with SS. [... .] But I can't control what they do or don't do and I won't damage my relationships with the children.

This is where boundary setting comes into play. Have you "notified" him of this fact? as in: "I get that you're doing your best looking out for him, I am too, and I care about my sister's kids just as much. I will keep spending time, money and attention on all of them"

Obviously make it your own but my point is to not simply shrug it off, make it a settled issue. He might not agree, but it is settled. Now as to how to get him to "drop" the issue now that it's settled, that's sort of out of your control, so I guess the "settlement" is more for your benefit: you know where you stand, no need to argue anymore, no need to explain yourself yet again; I guess that sounds like shrugging it off, maybe it is?

I guess its more about focusing on what's next instead of the futility of the argument, not carrying the burden so to speak.

As to your reaction to it, why do you think it gets under your skin so much? You know it not to be true, and yet it elicits such a strong reaction as feeling sick to your stomach.

[Ozzie101]

You're very right. It is a boundary issue. For a while, I caved in on family things and let him twist me around. But now, I can see what he's been doing and I can see the manipulation, the gaslighting, the attempts at isolation.

For instance, with this, I told him I wanted to go and plan to go. I didn't bend over backwards or say he's right or anything like that.

I feel like you're right. I need to just set it out for him that he cares about SS. So do I. But my relationship with him is different and independent from my relationships with my nieces and nephew. They are not tied together. One does not negate or lessen the other. I will continue to foster those relationships -- all of them -- and do what I feel is right and best.

H was adopted as an infant and never fully bonded with his adopted parents. He now knows and is bonding closely with his bio family. I understand where he's coming from and why family is a sensitive issue. But the vindictiveness and the desire to cause pain is something I cannot accept. While his background helps explain his feelings and behavior, I don't think that excuses it.

As to why it elicits such strong reactions in me? I think there are several reasons:

1) My family has always been very important to me. I love them and we've always supported each other. His attempts to drive a wedge upset me both because of my relationships and happy memories (which he has dismissed and devalued over and over) and because it's painful to know someone I love is doing something he knows hurts me. I guess he could say the same about me keeping up relationships when I know how he feels. I can't articulate it but this feels like two different things. Unless someone was genuinely bad for or to him, I can't imagine ever encouraging him to drop or damage a relationship.

2) His first major dysregulation was over family. As in, he threw furniture, broke glasses, broke a platter that was a wedding gift from a now-deceased family friend (told me after he'd calmed down, "Oh well. I never liked that thing anyway. And don't tell me who gave it to us. I don't remember and don't care."), screaming, telling me "This is your fault" and "I really want to hit you right now." And so on. That was one of the worst nights of my life. I was terrified and devastated because, at the time, I believed him that it was all my fault. Part of my reaction now may be linked to that trauma.

3) As I said, I love my family. I've always looked at that as a good quality in myself. Just like my dedication to things (like work and choir), my sense of responsibility, etc. Each of those things, he now attacks. It goes back to #1. Something I value in myself is a key thing he's turning into a negative.

I'm much stronger than I was a few months ago, thanks to this site, the books I've read and my work with my therapist. I feel more confident in my stance and my beliefs. But it still stings.

[itsmeSnap]

While his background helps explain his feelings and behavior, I don't think that excuses it.

And you'd be right about it, it doesn't.

it's painful to know someone I love is doing something he knows hurts me. I guess he could say the same about me keeping up relationships when I know how he feels. I can't articulate it but this feels like two different things

The difference (and there is a difference I think) is that of expected outcomes. You know he's doing it to hurt you back from a perceived rejection, and you're doing it because the alternative (giving in) is actually hurting him more (actually both of you) on the long run by allowing the relationship to deteriorate from anger/resentment.

Unfortunately the why's can turn very easily into JADE'ing, so yeah, tough thing to navigate.

I'm much stronger than I was a few months ago, thanks to this site, the books I've read and my work with my therapist.

Good to hear. If you had to point to a tool/dynamic that's been a "highlight" of the improvement what would that be? asking for a friend 

I feel more confident in my stance and my beliefs. But it still stings.

That's great!

Not the stinging part I mean, the confidence 

Accepting the reality of the situation is one step, and again, you can't change him, but changing how you respond is well within your reach.

[Ozzie101]

The difference (and there is a difference I think) is that of expected outcomes. You know he's doing it to hurt you back from a perceived rejection, and you're doing it because the alternative (giving in) is actually hurting him more (actually both of you) on the long run by allowing the relationship to deteriorate from anger/resentment.

That's a really good way of explaining it. Thanks! I'm kind of afraid that's already happening, but yes, if I really have in, it would be much worse.

Good to hear. If you had to point to a tool/dynamic that's been a "highlight" of the improvement what would that be? asking for a friend 

Probably boundaries. Learning that it's ok and even healthy to make lines in the sand has really helped. But beyond tools, what's helped me most is learning more about the nature of BPD and that I'm not alone. I still sometimes feel like I'm going crazy, but it happens less!

[sixofus]

To me, if I have any advice, it would be for you to vigilantly recognize the broader picture of what's really going on here: you're being pushed to become isolated from your family and/or other important relationships.

I'm not sure how - that's the real tricky thing - but you can't let him do it. Musical theatre is a good thing (long history myself (wink), you niece's participation is a god thing, your relationships and participating in these life events these are all good, important, real, healthy things.

But for whatever reason they are threats or whatever t the pathological person and you just can't enable that. If you do, now we're into all the bad things . . . missed opportunities and shared memories, weakened relationships, real regrets . . . you just can't let him do it.

So I guess just stay focused on that - all the god things, what you're talking about and wanting to d are all the good, right, normal and healthy things. And if you keep your focus on that, that's the most promising thing that will allow you to figure out to talk to him about it, make it happen peacefully or whatever.

But yeah, just don't get pulled in to the isolation and/or conflict trick. That's pathology ruling the day and you just can't let it do so.

All these other things are GOOD. Stay vigilant to that.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, sixofus! I really appreciate the support.

What you describe is the place I've been trying to reach. And despite the occasional slip back, I think I'm getting there. For a while (before I found out about BPD and recognized the abuse), I went along with whatever he said and wanted, even though it felt wrong.

Luckily for me, I have a loving, supportive family who not only are understanding but have also given me a strong foundation to build on. I credit that and this site with keeping me from going too far down a dark road.

I spent time with my parents and grandmother today. Helped her sort through old photos. In a way it was painful -- a reminder of how happy I used to be. But it also strengthened my resolve. I come from good people. Not perfect, but good. I was and am loved. That gives me strength. I'm not giving them up.

Saying that, though, I realize my resolve and boundaries may trigger more conflict. But using the tools here and the help of my therapist, I can ride it out.