seems as though the shoe always falls when I forget its hanging there

[merkaba1]

Hello everyone!

Like some, I have also waited a while to post here.  I have shared my story at length before. 

My pwBPD had left me abruptly early in November while away at training for a new job.  It was a devastating split/break-up (still not sure what I'd call it).  She ended up coming back up to Michigan from Florida during the Christmas time to see family.  She has co-occurring disorders, mainly with alcoholism, and possibly some narcissism.  She had been on a pretty intense spiral out of control during the later parts of November and December leading up to her crashing her car while intoxicated.  Somehow, she managed to not get hurt/hurt anyone, or get in any trouble.  Somehow she messed up her return ticket and had to stay a lot longer than originally planned. 

While she was in the area, I got a lot of back and forth I want to see you, then I don't, then I can't etc.  After the second time, I just said to myself that either way, I won't allow myself to get worked up; she will see me or not, either way, I'll remain feeling the same.  Finally, after the fourth or fifth time, she asked me to pick her up.  I went and got her (two days before Christmas) and she stayed with me until new years eve.  Things immediately were great, the love was in the air!  We talked about a lot of things and why things blew up.  The lovemaking was off the charts, as per usual.  We talked again about getting married.  We went to look for rings and as we are both kind of spontaneous types, decided we should sleep on it.  There was a bit of an argument while I drove home from training as she dropped the ball of eh, never mind, I really cant... .I got to more of the root of why she was afraid.  It wasn't that she never wanted to get married, its that she was so deeply hurt by her first love.  So after we got things resolved we went and got the rings we both had picked out.  Great!  Came home, lit candles, invited God into our space, meditated, and made commitments to one another.  Then the following day she had to leave for Flordia.  She was getting ready to go on a trip I funded to get her training for yoga certification.  Well, about two days after she got there, things blew up again.  Said she couldn't marry me or commit. 

So much back and forth, has anyone ever had this?

So we kept talking, and she would occasionally say things as I love you, you're my best friend, but were not romantic etc.  Okay, whatever that's not how we speak to one another but whatever you have to say.  Anyway, she was getting ready for this trip, and things were progressively getting more romantic.  We were back to the kind loving supportive place we had been during good non-splitting times.  Somehow she didn't know she needed a return ticket when leaving the country so I helped yet again financially to make sure she could make it.  She has a history, not just with me, but for years prior, making a commitment to do something but then not finishing or following through, so I was worried that she wouldn't if she didn't make it.  She relied on me while being there and would call a lot before the actual program started (she got there a few days early)  Its a three-week program by the way.  So, during the program, I knew we probably wouldn't speak much except a little on the weekends.  She called halfway through the week saying she knew what she wanted to do when she got back.  I'm like great, what's that?  she said I want to move back with you, start our family, commit to you etc. I'm like well great!  She saw some great relationships down there and saw that we mirror many of them and that a lot of people don't' have what we do etc.  Two days later, she called saying I'm done and heading home.  I'm like uhh you have a few more weeks what's going on?  She said, well my scoliosis is acting up and I need to come back in September.  I'm like well I'm kind of surprised, this is the first I'm hearing your back is hurting etc.  Is this just a b.s excuse?  Most of her excuses have been legit enough to warrant some truth, but regardless, they have been excuses.  I mean I can't be disappointed per se as this may be total truth.  However, on her way home I heard her talking to some random couple on the airport shuttle;  She'd tell them some half-truths but exaggerated to the point of being lies.  Oh yeah I was in Costa Rica for a month and got my yoga certification (some truth, maybe ten days, didn't actually get the certification) and that my partner and I would be coming back in Sept. again some truth-I may actually go with her for a few days, but its so she can actually do the program. A few other random things I had heard and yes I know I was eavesdropping which is never really good but I just found it interesting.  Why lie to random people you're never going to see again?

Anyway, she made it home and mentioned it maybe a few weeks before she gets here.

She said on my way home from work today that she found a job.  I was a little taken aback as just the other night she said she was excited to see me etc.  All of a sudden I'm like well congrats on the job but that must mean you're not coming home?  So it kind of blew up, and well, she hung up a few times throwing random things into my face.  It was really frustrating.  She said she couldn't commit etc. and that she'd send the ring back.  So out of left field. So about a month ago I was aware, that I feel like the other shoe will always be waiting to drop and it always seems to when I least expect it.

I'm sorry for the long post, I've really needed to rant after the intense rug-pulling out from under me.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  Perhaps just some time will be the teller.  I know I deserve better than this type of treatment.  There are details I've left out now that I think of it but to spare everyone I'll just leave them omitted. 

Sometimes I think she is simply trying to take the easier softer way by not coming here.  And sure, who wouldn't want to stay at mommy and daddys where everythign is comfortable, paid for, and the sun is shinning all the time (literally in florida compared to michigan in the winter, the sun is always shinning haha) but if she came here, she'd actually have to work on her recovery, get a job, focus, roll up the sleeves etc.  It wouldn't all be rainbows here.  Plus she has mentioned that she doesn't trust me.

Any practical advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you all!

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