Is there any hope for reconciliation with my recently-diagnosed BPD ex

[SamiYushi]

Hey everyone,

Normally I wouldn't post on a forum and this would be my first time. I am at a loss and in so much pain.
Let's start at the beginning:
It is the July of the year 2017, I'm an undergraduate, and I had just come back from an exchange programme. My ex was in the same social circle I was in at the time and we had a gathering at a bar. The night goes on, and its just me and her left at the bar. That's where I learned that she was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in December 2016. Fast forward a few more dates, I was open to the idea of being her SO despite the depression, and we eventually got together.

Up until 2 weeks ago, we were together for a little over 1 year and 5 months. She's had depressive episodes from time to time, but our method of handling it was to let her ride out the episode and thoughts on her own.
That would be followed by a "debrief" with me to help her sort out her thoughts and to share with me what she was going through. This was completely her idea, and she preferred being alone during the episode.
She is still on medication at the time of writing (and recently added new prescriptions for her BPD, which will be discussed later)
Our relationship was full of love and understanding. When we had disagreements, we always ironed it out with each other, instead of taking the easy road and going "___ it, it's just a small issue."
When we would get emotionally charged, I'd call for us to have a short break to cool off, usually a few hours, before we approached the disagreement again.
All-in-all, I would say that both of us handled our problems maturely and we were extremely open with each other.
There were even talks of marriage after we both graduated, and how our house layout would look like.

Now for the kicker.
Near the beginning of this month, we were just celebrating my Mum's birthday at a relative's place. Given that my ex didn't see my relatives often, she had trouble remembering their names. She was so happy when she guessed them correctly.
A few days later, she started becoming a little distant. Thinking it was one of her episodes, I let her be. Except that this time, there was never a "debrief".
She started to open up, saying that she suspected she was going through Emotional Blunting from the antidepressants she took for her Depression.
I remember telling her I didn't really understand and that she needed to explain it a little more as to how she was experiencing it.
She coldly replied "Its enough work to deal with it. I don't need to make you understand it on top of it."
I told her that hurt and she said "You don't have to make everything about you."
I gave her space and asked her if we could meet a few days later.

A few days later, when we met, she said she wanted to break up.
She said that her happiness and our happiness as a couple were 2 mutually exclusive things.
She couldn't be happy for herself, while being happy for us as a couple.
I asked her if the way she was feeling now was related to her depression or her attempts at lowering the dosage to alleviate her Emotional Blunting.
She said "No".

We broke off officially around a week ago, where I met her for the last time and gave her back the stuff she left at my place.
Two days later, she said she saw her psychiatrist and told me I was right in that she was indeed showing symptoms of depression.
He also said that she exhibited BPD traits (Not sure if this means she's diagnosed with BPD).
So that's pretty much the whole situation.

I'm writing this in the hopes that someone helps me shed some light as to how this situation will play out.
When she broke up with me, she constantly apologised.
Even the days following it, where I stupidly tried to jump the gun on my mental/emotional recovery and texted her to try and be friends again (she seemed OK with it, saying it is up to me if I still wanted to be friends).
I've been reading up a lot about BPD and the symptoms that she exhibited weren't as extreme.
Not too sure about the idealisation stage, but she certainly (as far as I believe) did not hate me.

I've also seen a lot of people recommending against reconciliation but also a few that are for it.
Also, given that she's seeking treatment, is there hope for us getting back together?

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[Purplex]

Hi SamiYushi and welcome to the family! 

I am sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but I can assure you that a lot of people on here can relate to your struggles and I am glad you found us.

He also said that she exhibited BPD traits (Not sure if this means she's diagnosed with BPD).

BPD is a spectrum disorder that repesents the severity of the symptomes and thereby the level of disfunction. Many of our loved ones don't qualify for a full blown diagnosis but still exhibit a lot of the typical traits, especially in close relationships.

All-in-all, I would say that both of us handled our problems maturely and we were extremely open with each other.

This is the impression I get as well from what you are describing.

Maybe thinking about what was different this time could help shed some light on what's going on with her at the moment. You say that she didn't have much contact with your relatives before. Meeting a partner's family can be a stressful situation in itself, maybe she put a lot of pressure on herself to make a good impression and didn't feel like she succedeed? I'm sure that you did your best to make her feel comfortable and accepted. But people with BPD or BPD traits can be very sensitive to rejection and sometimes only small incidents can trigger that fear, even if there was no ill intent. And this can sometimes cause them to take drastic actions.
There could be countless other reasons for her withdrawal of course, but this is what first came to mind.
What do you think?

I've also seen a lot of people recommending against reconciliation but also a few that are for it.
Also, given that she's seeking treatment, is there hope for us getting back together?

In my opinion, since she is open to therapy and you have a history of succesfully handling difficult situations, getting back together doesn't seem too far fetched.
But this is a very personal decision that is completely up to you. What do you want to do?

[SamiYushi]

Maybe thinking about what was different this time could help shed some light on what's going on with her at the moment. You say that she didn't have much contact with your relatives before. Meeting a partner's family can be a stressful situation in itself, maybe she put a lot of pressure on herself to make a good impression and didn't feel like she succedeed? I'm sure that you did your best to make her feel comfortable and accepted. But people with BPD or BPD traits can be very sensitive to rejection and sometimes only small incidents can trigger that fear, even if there was no ill intent. And this can sometimes cause them to take drastic actions.
There could be countless other reasons for her withdrawal of course, but this is what first came to mind.
What do you think?

Hmm... .I don't think this was the case because she was fine throughout the night. But she did bring up something unrelated to this gathering.
She said that I tried to find fault with her.
It was in response to a comment I made nonchalantly during the day, before our gathering when I was with her.
I know this may have been the trigger because she brought it up the night she revealed that she wanted to end our relationship.
She did bring up other things like how I was generally unmotivated.
This was with reference to the way I do things generally.
However, I was never unmotivated with her.
I constantly showered her with love and I always let her know how important she was to me.

In my opinion, since she is open to therapy and you have a history of succesfully handling difficult situations, getting back together doesn't seem too far fetched.
But this is a very personal decision that is completely up to you. What do you want to do?

I would very much like that. But in the mental state and emotional mess that I'm in, I'm not too sure if that's the right move as of now.
I need time to heal.
I did tell her this because we tried talking for a bit after we broke up, but I soon realised that I myself am a wreck and I needed time.
She told me to tell her when I'm ready.

This whole situation is made all the more complicated because she is going overseas to continue her studies.
I had a ticket booked but I had to cancel it in light of the current situation.
We've done this LDR thing for a whole year and I thought it was alright.

Could it be like what you said, that she is basically showing the symptoms but not completely BPD?

[Purplex]

She said that I tried to find fault with her.
She did bring up other things like how I was generally unmotivated.
However, I was never unmotivated with her.

I see. I agree that this could be the underlying issue here. People wit BPD (or traits) are often very sensitive to criticism and have a high need for validation. Our words and actions can easily be percieved as invalidating or dismissive, even if we have the best intentions. This site offers a lot of information and tools that can be very valuable in our interactions with our loved ones. I encourage you to take a look around and see if you find something that resonates with you. Maybe https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy or https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating ?
Do you think those tools could be helpful in your situation?

Could it be like what you said, that she is basically showing the symptoms but not completely BPD?

It's very possible. You know her best, so i'd suggest to read through some other posts and the information about BPD (e.g. https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder) and see if any of it seems familiar. Feel free to share your thoughts!

She told me to tell her when I'm ready

Does she want a friendship or a relationship?
Are you still in contact right now?

But in the mental state and emotional mess that I'm in, I'm not too sure if that's the right move as of now.
I need time to heal.

Yes I agree that you should take your time to process everything that happened and stabilize. Self care is so important. I encourage you to keep posting and reading here in the meantime, this site can be a great support system and really helped me a lot in my healing.

[SamiYushi]

Do you think those tools could be helpful in your situation?

Well, I think it would be helpful if I even had the chance.
But the dynamic between us is weird and tense.
With my heartbreak, coupled with the impulsivity to text her, it may even cause her to resent me (for not giving her the space).

Does she want a friendship or a relationship?
Are you still in contact right now?

From what she told me when we broke up, she wants to be single to figure herself out.
She did seem open to friendship and left the state of it to whenever I'm ready.
It's from these little interactions that I suspect that she doesn't have a full-blown BPD.
But I guess it was serious enough to affect our relationship.

Yes I agree that you should take your time to process everything that happened and stabilize.

I've always asked myself "What would I do if she were to suddenly change her mind asked me if we could get back together?"
On one hand, I would want nothing more than for her to be back in my arms, but on the other, I don't know if I'd be able to be the best version of myself to be her partner in the mental state I'm in.

[SamiYushi]

Hey all,

A little update on the situation.
My BPDex said that she feels like she will never be able to get into a relationship ever again.

As for myself, I have an immense problem letting go of her (possibly because she is my first).
I know that self-care is important, but either I can't or don't want to let go of her.
Is there any way for me to hold on to hope and heal at the same time?

[Purplex]

My BPDex said that she feels like she will never be able to get into a relationship ever again.

This sounds to me like a statement made out of depression in combination with BPD black and white thinking patterns. Did she elaborate on why she thinks she is unable?

Is there any way for me to hold on to hope and heal at the same time?

Absolutely! Self care is not about giving up on somebody, it's about valuing yourself and treating yourself in the same way as you would treat others. It's about doing things you enjoy and that make you feel good. It's about taking care of your needs by yourself. Self care can start with small things like taking a shower, eating regularly, excercising, going for a walk or reading a book. It's about spending quality time with friends and family, picking up a new or forgotten hobby. It can be looking for somebody to talk to and building a support network to feel less alone.

I think mindfulness is a great tool for self care. It helps to get a grasp on what I am really feeling at the moment and to figure out what I actually need to feel better.
Maybe check out our workshop on it? 

Feel free to take a look at other threads as well, I am sure you will find some members you can relate to and share experiences with. This can be very comforting in itself.

[SamiYushi]

Did she elaborate on why she thinks she is unable?

Nope. Neither did I probe into it.
But I did try to reassure her that these thoughts may be linked to her BPD.
I acknowledged and told her that it may be difficult for her to see it that way right now because she's in the thick of it.
Told her how proud I was of her for seeking treatment (and thereby her diagnosis), and that she wasn't alone.
That she should focus on the treatment and getting better.

Absolutely! Self care is not about giving up on somebody, it's about valuing yourself and treating yourself in the same way as you would treat others. It's about doing things you enjoy and that make you feel good. It's about taking care of your needs by yourself.

This contradicts whatever everyone has been telling me to do!
The usual advice I get from everyone is to forget about her and to focus on myself.
And then, in the future, if fate decides to have us back together, it will happen.

Maybe because its still so raw that I don't want to let go, and I can't see myself in a future where I do.

I'm actually meeting her one last time before she goes back overseas to study again.
Not sure if I should bring up the topic of us considering to try again when she gets back at the end of the year.

[Purplex]

But I did try to reassure her that these thoughts may be linked to her BPD.
I acknowledged and told her that it may be difficult for her to see it that way right now because she's in the thick of it.
Told her how proud I was of her for seeking treatment (and thereby her diagnosis), and that she wasn't alone.
That she should focus on the treatment and getting better.

Seems like you hadled that in a very validating and understanding way!

Maybe because its still so raw that I don't want to let go, and I can't see myself in a future where I do.

I can relate to that. To me it seems like you two really had a lot going for you and considering the circumstances of your break up, with her withdrawing all of a sudden and only giving a very vague explanation, it is possible that her decision has more to do with her being in a depressive crisis then her feelings towards you and your relationship. I understand why you wouldn't want to let that go.

Regarding the self care, there are situations in which it could be a positive thing to cut somebody out. But I don't think it's always helpful or necessary. It's one option out of many and you have to decide for yourself what you need right now to recover.

Not sure if I should bring up the topic of us considering to try again when she gets back at the end of the year.

Not sure either. How do you think she would react?

[SamiYushi]

Seems like you handled that in a very validating and understanding way!

I've always given her stuff like this throughout our relationship.
Other than the occasional slip-up, her reactions have never been this severe.

I can relate to that. To me it seems like you two really had a lot going for you and considering the circumstances of your break up, with her withdrawing all of a sudden and only giving a very vague explanation, it is possible that her decision has more to do with her being in a depressive crisis then her feelings towards you and your relationship. I understand why you wouldn't want to let that go.

A short phone call with her that was intended for some form of "closure" for me revealed that the moment she felt what she felt (or lack thereof) was as sudden for her as it was for me.
This is referring to her sudden distance after my Mum's birthday celebration.
It hurts because I really want to fight her mental illnesses with her, but she feels that the solution right now is for us to be single.

How do you think she would react?

If she's still in her depressive/BPD splitting episode, she would most likely hold the more pessimistic view on the suggestion.
However, I do have a few weeks to go before meeting her because I'm waiting for her overdue Xmas present to arrive (shipping screwed up) so that I can pass it to her.

After reading up a bit about DEARMAN, I was thinking of utilising that structure of requesting.
But one of the biggest conflicts I have within me now is that of "Can holding onto hope of our reconciliation still allow me to heal?"
Because I know that in the process of healing, she may turn to other guys for comfort.
Or worse, when she does stablise, she finds a better person.
I know that's selfish, but why can't that person be me, you know?

[SamiYushi]

Hey there!

Update time.
It is the 2nd day of the Lunar New Year and I went ahead to wish my BPDex.
The conversation we had seemed fine and we even agreed to meet-up tomorrow.

However, she suddenly asked if we could not meet, and when I asked why, she just said she "Kinda didn't feel like it."
Obviously, it went deeper than that, and I recognised that.
So I acknowledged that she's still trying to figure things out and I'm not making it any easier by contacting her.
Following which, I asked if we should set some boundaries to regulate or control our communication frequency.

She proceeds to say that we should just "Be apart for a long while, and that includes no texting."

I know that this is a little out of character for a pwBPD because of the stuff I've spent all-too-much time reading on this site; with the whole Push/Pull dynamic.
She did mention in a previous phone call that she considers herself to be a "mild" sufferer of BPD as she only possesses the traits (as informed by her current psychiatrist), which I guess explains her behaviour.
With that, I don't expect the tales of random attempts at re-engagement to occur for my case, but who knows?
I know that I have to steel and prepare myself in the event that it happens.

Like what if she has genuinely gotten better?
How would I know?
I honestly do not know the answers to these questions right now.

It was kind of a relief for me because I was reading up on NC and whether I needed to use it (or wanted to even use it).
But since she put her foot down, it kind of makes it easier on my part, mainly because I don't have to make that decision myself.
In a weird sense, the decision comes from me respecting her wishes, and not because I want to go NC (does that even make sense?).

Given that she's going back overseas in a month, it should make this whole NC thing easier as there is absolutely no chance of bumping into her locally.
I've also received news from a mutual friend that she has been actively looking for good therapists to start her treatment when she goes back overseas.
I find that a relief because most of the stories here sing the same tune: the uBPD/pwBPD has yet to acknowledge their sickness and seek treatment.
It also puts my mind at ease because she went through a dark period with Major Depressive Disorder, got treatment for it, and stabilised.
She is one of the most hardworking and driven people that I know and I can only put my faith in her commitment to recovery.
I guess this revelation of BPD was probably the core of the MDD and it just reared its ugly head, only this time, we know what it really is.

Only time will tell if she will get better, and whether our relationship (friendship or something more) will rekindle in the future.
For now, it is time for me to focus on myself.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for the update.  I am sorry for the change in relationship status and that she is moving so far away but it sounds like you are able to look at this in a positive way.

For now, it is time for me to focus on myself.

What sort of things are you hoping to focus on?

[SamiYushi]

Hi Harri!
Thanks for jumping on my thread!

I am sorry for the change in relationship status and that she is moving so far away but it sounds like you are able to look at this in a positive way.

What sort of things are you hoping to focus on?

Well, I can't be wallowing in self-pity and sadness for too long.
Responsibilities are there, break-up or not.
So I gotta just jump back into my life.

I can only hope that she does get better with treatment as she commits to it.
I've been telling myself that if we are meant to be, we'll somehow come back to each other.
But for that to happen, I need to get over her and move on, ironic as that sounds.
One of my messages to her said "If in the future we are both mentally and emotionally stable and available, I am willing to try again."