Fiance's child has BPD and refusing medication

[capucino]

Sorry for my long first post.

I am engaged and my fiancé has a 24-year-old son who has BPD. We don't live in the same house. I and my boyfriend live in a city and he lives in a big city one hour away from us. He just got a college degree. Her mother lives in another country.

He had mild symptoms of BPD until this summer. He had bad relationships between roommates who were already problematic. He stayed in homes with no heating, no kitchen, slum lords, etc. preferring location over housing quality. He refused to live close to where we live, and forced us to hire an expensive apartment in the city he lives. His father said "He suffered so much. So, for his last year, let's let him stay in a nice place" and we spent what we have on his housing. At least, he had his last college year away from trouble. 

After that, some symptoms were elevated. He threatened us to commit suicide and one time he checked himself in a hospital in summer. In September, he was diagnosed with BPD, which he himself isn't aware of (the therapist explained the diagnosis to my fiance). He also has ADHD, and the therapist also suspects Bipolar II. He also started seeing a psychiatrist and started medication. With the therapist and medication, he was functional.

Now, he graduated and the lease is ending this month. Since he doesn't have a job (his longest lasting job was for one month) and is stressed due to the lease ending, we offered him to move somewhere cheaper, because we cannot afford both our rent and a luxury apartment rent. We already live in a room, and share the house with three other people. We spend 80% of what we earn on him. I wish we could afford his way of living, I'm fine with my way of living but we can't at this moment. When he has money troubles, he threatens with suicide or doesn't eat for days as a protest. He has a $50 allowance daily and he sometimes spends three times this limit. He refuses to move to a slightly cheaper apartment close to where we live and he won't look for another apartment. He says "If you cared about me, you'd consider how much I hate where you live. You have no respect for yourselves living in a hole like that. You are incapable of respect to anyone. Don't worry, I won't be around so much to spend all your money".

With the stress of housing, having nothing to do after graduation, and breaking up with a make-up-break-up girlfriend, he quit his medication saying that the medication is only making his mind fuzzier. He says now that he has quit he can clearly see how evil people are. He doesn't have any friends and he rejects any help coming along his way.

Last week her mother came to help him look for housing, clean up the apartment. However, he has been verbally violent to her and also threatening to physically hurt her. The mother was very scared and she is with us now. We are thinking of what to do next, the mother may return to the country where she lives. We were thinking if she goes back, would he feel abandoned and grow worse? He sometimes talks to me saying I believe him and no one else does, but I am scared to talk to him after this elevation in his mood. He is angry all the time and his father says "People in the street were afraid of him. The way he looks was intimidating"

Yesterday, his therapist called the mother and my fiancé, and they had a meeting. The therapist says we cannot force him to take medication but also admits he cannot connect to anyone at this point. The therapist also asked about the housing situation, and we mentioned what was going on. I asked my fiancé if she had any suggestions on what we should do but he said the therapist didn't say anything, just listened.

We have went through Stop Walking on Eggshells a couple of times and we try to apply what we learn but this time he has grown very angry and impulsive. We don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi capucino and

I'm so sorry for what brings you here but I'm really glad you found us. You'll see by reading posts that there are many parents here who will relate to what you've shared, you are not alone.

I'm short on time at the moment but when I read your post, what came to mind was FOG. The acronym stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. We've all done things out of FOG, and we are all learning a better way, to save our sanity, our finances.

Here's an article that explains what I'm talking about

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)

Have a look and see if this fits with your situation - come back here and let's talk about it.

I understand your feelings of fear in talking with him after the recent elevation of his mood, he's angry all the time. We've got lots of articles here which describe ways to more effectively communicate with pwBPD (people with BPD) and I encourage you to read all you can and ask any questions here.

We are here to support you, I'm glad you reached out.

~ OH