Girlfriend says it’s over out of nowhere

[Oneeightseries]

After a great year, then a couple arguments or nasty fights, she says it’s over. However I feel she hates her decision.
Is her decision temporary or permanent?
Do I do the opposite of No Contact?
HELP!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome though I am sorry for what bring you here.

It is hard to say if the break-up is permanent or not.  Does she have a history of breaking things off, either with you or in previous relationships?

What led up to the argument?  What sort of behaviors does hse have that indicate she may have BPD?

At this point, I would not do anything.  Just let it sit and see if she can take some time to self soothe and return to baseline.

 

[Oneeightseries]

When we first dated, she told me she was diagnosed with BPD during her young teens. Parents divorced, mom moved her away from Dad. Step dad was always yelling and mistreating her. She attempted suicide twice. Once in high school, once in her early 20’s.  She had a short period of heroin addiction. Has led a seemingly normal life back around family. Has a 6 year old son who’s dad is in his life, but she was never married too. I dismissed the severity of BPD at the onset of our relationship. Tried not to pass judgement and never held her past against her. After a year of greatness, Idealization, I love her, her son loves me, my 3 kids Love her, family members enjoy each other. At this point, I think that her mother, part of the reason for her developing BPD, advises her negatively. No one is good for her only Daughter. Selfish with her and her only grandson.

I personally brought in some trust issues and insecurities from a failed marriage and failed 3 year relationship due to suspicious activity which revealed itself true after divorce or in the end. I believe my distrust and questioning of her has brought out what she says is remitted BPD. I didn’t realize the gravity my questions or need for confirmation had on her. It usually ended up in her being defensive, which I didn’t understand and possibly misinterpreted. At our 1 year anniversary we planned for a tropical vacation. Mind you we’ve already been talking about a ring, having it designed, stone purchased, deposit made, etc. The last few months, coinciding with the arguments, I’ve noticed some distance and lack of intimacy. Which I voiced and questioned. She made excuses for it being something else. 2 days before our trip I ask about her distance and we argue, ending in a “go home” statement. We moved in together, I feel at home. We made up. The night before the trip she sits far away from
Me after work. I point it out, end up asking her to be honest with me about her desire to be with me. It’s ends up in an “we’re over”, I’m Devastated, we’re both crying, etc. I feel like I finally get ahold of myself and accept what she said. She notices my change in emotion, and negotiates the relationship with my questioning and anger changing. We make up. Flying home from the trip, flight is delayed, I’m stressed, may have to stay the night in airport. Doing my best to get us out of there, she suggested just trying to go to the gate of our original flight. I say we need boarding passes. The ticket counter says hurry to the gate, she says “you shoulda listened”, I’m offended, tell her she’s rude. She says “___ you and you’re a jackass” in short.  Again, I’m dismayed at what the woman who is supposed to love me, wants to get married, can say to me. For the past 4 days we’ve been on a path of splitting up. She’s upset at her choice to have me to leave. I’m upset, but don’t want to give up. She seems to have her mind set and can only see me as bad. I don’t understand how it happened so fast, or her ability to throw me aside, affecting both our kids and families, not just us.

I’ve had some crazy emotions, accepted that she may not want to be with me, I just don’t know if I should keep trying, give her space, or I’ll never hear from her again and need to seek God, or help, or what. So please, HELP Is appreciated.

[Harri]

Okay, thanks for the details.

It sounds like she is very upset right now and you are as well and generally nothing good is going to happen when you or she is in this state.  Give her space.  A few days, a week and see if she reaches out.  In a few days you might very causally and no pressure send a text, nothing deep or heavy and see how it goes.  If she snaps back, then back off again. 

Now is not the time to push to get back together.  slow things down a lot.  For pwBPD feelings = facts so if they feel something they think it is reality.  Give her time to return to baseline. 

[Steps31]

Could it be one of those things where they feel like - Let me get rid of you before you get rid of me? (especially with marriage being so close; perhaps heightened fear)

my 2 cents

[Oneeightseries]

I’ve only now begun to educate myself on BPD. Something I regret not doing before. She was treated, overcame her past, has a successful job, no suicide attempts in prob 18 years. I do have faith that one Can overcome this. However, her actions scream the definition of BPD in a relationship. All of her exes were described as mean. From what her friends and family have expressed, I was the best thing to happen to her, she’s never been so happy. Or does she have them all fooled too? She takes very little responsibility for her own actions and accusations. Yet demonizes mine. The more I learn, the more permanent I’m convinced it is. I just don’t know how to accept it, or even explain it to my kids who love her. Best case, we worked it out, is this monster going to re appear down the road? Am I facing a full time job of placating her, and appeasing her, being super careful of my responses and questions? Is it even possible for her to have a relationship where we die of
Old Age together? At this point, I even question my own mental health, after she says I have signs of emotional instability, and show the same signs of BPD that she HAD.
Anyhow, I appreciate the advise  thus far. Will do my best to let her heal in space, and plan for worst case of a replacement moving into the rental I paid for and sleeping in the bedroom set I bought for US. I’m so upset with this surprise ending, that now makes the past seem entirely fake. I’m also sad for her and What she is feeling and must have felt to get her to this point. I feel bad for her son and what he’ll experience growing up in a revolving door of men. To include her family that must look at a new boyfriend, and say “ no sense in getting to know him too well”. ?  Thanks again.  

[Oneeightseries]

I have definitely considered the optimistic view of her being afraid of a life commitment even though she’s voiced excitement. Hoping it’ll all pass. I also read nothing but pain and failure of anyone who even tries to fix things with a woman who suffers from BPD. I guess I’ll know soon enough...

[Steps31]

Your questions are completely normal, and ones we've probably all struggled with being in these relationships

[loyalwife]

Hi Oneeightseries,

I applaud you for your ability to think through what is important and the gravity of making the 'wrong' decision, or not.

Am I facing a full time job of placating her, and appeasing her, being super careful of my responses and questions? Is it even possible for her to have a relationship where we die of Old Age together?

As Step31 says,

Your questions are completely normal, and ones we've probably all struggled with being in these relationships

It's so true.  I've been married for almost 5 years now. My husband has left me various times, filed for divorce twice and goes in and out of his 'tantrums' every two to three weeks. During the normal times, he's fun to be with, affectionate, generous and kind. He laughs and seems to enjoy life. If I say anything to challenge him, game over. I become the football to kick, so to speak. I've thought the same thing you have as to whether we will get to the finish line, together. Also, what if he decides to leave when I'm 80 or 90? I'm pretty sure that he will be the same in old age as he is now. There will be times that are very good, and times that are very bad. It's the risk in loving someone with BPD.
I'm glad that you are giving yourself some time to regroup and think things through. You will know the answer, for you.

 

[Oneeightseries]

Loyalwife, I hate you’ve had to deal with that. I admire your ability to hang around and tolerate it. Not an easy task.

In my case, I moved from AL to NC to facilitate being with her and supporting the joint custody she has with her sons father. I sacrificed being close to my family and driving even farther to see my own kids every other weekend. It’s difficult, because when I’m told to “leave, we’re over”. I have no choice but to begin moving my property and 3 vehicles from the rental
Property in her name. At this point, she has went through the devaluing process of me to her friends and family, mostly her mother. I’ve went 3 days without contacting her, going to get my last vehicle and drive 8 hours back to AL, in the event she does come back to “baseline”, I’m just not sure I can keep going back and forth. As long as she has a support group that will sympathize with her during a devaluing process, especially her mom, I’m afraid it will continue to be a super high/ultra low relationship, which is not something I can facilitate when I work in Afghanistan 60days on and 60 days off.

I wish you the best and hope that your husband will recognize your love, his disorders, and be willing to seek help.

[once removed]

has she said anything about how long shes considered breaking up? have you asked?

[Oneeightseries]

It seems permanent. It’s like someone took her soul from her body. Like she completely forgot our past. Too many enablers I think. She’s very matter of fact. Convinced I have issues that she used to see in herself. I have not asked how long. Only asked if she truly thought ending our relationship was best. She may have put thought in her answer, but she still said, “to late” “over” “done”. I think her mother, her biggest enabler and root of her BPD, is selfish with her only daughter and only grandson. Don’t think she wants to share her daughters love and time with another man in her life. So she takes advantage of her daughters disorder, only to her own advantage, but the demise of her  daughters happiness and chance to be with someone.