Not so good right now

[FaithHopeLove]

After 3 days of my son doing really very well as he and his dad moved him into his new apartment he is now unregulated. When he gets like this he always says he wants to kill himself. I try to assess how serious he is. I tell him if he is seriously suicidal I have no choice but to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. Where we live if you do that cops come too so he sees it as calling the cops on him. Maybe next time I will say I am taking him to the hospital instead. I don't know. It is such a dilemma. I can't just let him kill himself but it seems like any action I take just agitates him more. How do others handle similar situations?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

what a tough place to be...

sometimes those upswings are followed by some hard down swings, it seems. has he expressed whats going on with him thats making him feel this way?

[FaithHopeLove]

He said he told his dad, who has been with him helping him move all week, he wanted to kill himself and his dad didn't respond. Of course DH says it didn't exactly happen that way. I think maybe DS is triggered by the finality of the move but I am not sure. DH says DS is a little calmer now. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Only Human]

Oh, Faith, my heart goes out to you. I've been in similar situations with my DD and I'm afraid I didn't handle it well myself.

The first time she told me she felt like she wanted to kill herself she was in my car. I told her, "I am really worried about you and feel like I should take you to the hospital." She jumped out of the car at a red light and ran away from me.

A few months after she moved in with me I heard variations of "It makes me want to kill myself," a few times and tried, unsuccessfully, to be supportive but I didn't know what to say. She'd usually end up telling me, "I'm just venting, I'd never kill myself, geeze!" The last time she said it I walked away from her and she came at me verbally with a vengeance, my response was the proof she was looking for that I didn't give a flip about her.

I think, for my DD, the words, "I want to kill myself," are synonymous with "I'm hurting so bad/so frustrated/very scared, etc."

I haven't heard those words in a long time but I think if I ever do again I'll ask her, "What's going on that makes you feel this way?" I really don't know and I'm sorry if I'm not being helpful.

Hopefully others will chime in with their experiences.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks OH My sense of things is my son is expressing pain more than anything not so much a real desire to kill himself. He also reacts very badly to the idea of going to the hospital. I just don't want to be tragically wrong about this.
 

[Music Ace]

This rings so true.

Our daughter 'claims' to have made multiple attempts on her own life. My doctor reminded me that she is very bright and thorough- if she had wanted to, she would have already done it and been successful.

Then came 'the time' ... her estranged husband called 911 (our emergency 1-stop number). She was incoherent and unable to effectively text or use a phone. I was at a concert at a local church when I received the 1 word text of fukc (yes spelled like that). Nothing more. My service was off because I was at a concert. She was 2 hours away. They monitored her, estranged husband sent us an email and we were able to go be with her as she was coming too.

That's the only attempt I can confirm. Today, I wonder if she would have been successful had he not responded ... or would she have called 911 herself earlier rather than delaying everything and drawing him in and on?

She has said she has attempted multiple other times.  I get pictures of medical bracelets and reminders how we aren't there for her during crises but that friends will drop everything to be with her and save her.

I also have received detailed information on how easily she could kill herself.  And she seems to enjoy sharing images of herself in crisis or self harming ... but with no location, thus I couldn't help even if she wanted it.

It's been well over a year since her first and only attempt that we were a part of.

Every day/time I feel that overwhelming scared feeling ... I remind myself how many opportunities she has had, taken, talked about  ... and she is still alive.

She says she doesn't want to die.

My heart hopes beyond anything that she doesn't end up being successful just to prove she's serious (although that feels like an absolute possibility- especially with her mindset somedays).  My head knows I truly can do nothing about what she WANTS deeply to do.

At the end of the day (hers AND MINE), I want to have an easy heart ... knowing I loved her, I told and showed that I loved her, that I was true to myself and respected myself in our relationship, and gave what I could to our relationship without giving myself away.

You can only stop a suicide attempt at that moment in time. If they do NOT want to seek help for or recognize the underlying issues that manifest thoughts of suicide and self harm within themselves and if they are accepting (dare I say content) with how their life is rolling out ... THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. Absolutely nothing - because they have no interest in doing anything.

I, too, wonder if these suicidal references by my uBPD28d are just poorly worded messages saying I'm having a crappy day (apologies for how flippant that might sound and I don't mean to undermine the seriousness) and I don't know how to handle it.

Will I be sad if she is successful.  Goodness yes. I may even be surprised.  But I will NOT be devastated. It is by her choice and all the ideas/help from me could not prevent what she us seriously inclined to do. I continue to grieve the loss of the daughter I thought existed. This broken person is barely recognizable. The ridiculous stuff that she has experienced (97% of it set up by her own choices and 89%totally preventable) ... good grief, if I had to experience it in my real life and had no control over why things were happening  ... I'd bloody well be wanting yo end it .

But I believe some days or in certain parts of herself, brain and heart,  she understands that she is the master of her own destiny and that she was responsible for much of her own circumstances.

I think I represent (her dad and sister too) that 'normal' that she was raised in and ultimately wants  ... but abhors st the same time. Gotta be hard to be living in her brain.

Not sure if this epic novella is helpful or just a rant on my end. But it is my suicide thought process. We go through it 'regularly' ... I'm trying to learn how to live through it respectfully for both of us.

Ace

[wendydarling]

FHL so difficult  

My sense of things is my son is expressing pain more than anything not so much a real desire to kill himself

That is my understanding with my DD, she was able to acknowledge through DBT she did not want to die, she wanted to live.

I've seen those up/down swings, highs and lows with my DD some years ago. And while my DD never verbally said she wants to kill herself or to die, to me, she cried she wants the pain to end, end the pain right now. Seeing her in such deep emotional pain and hearing her say she wants to get out of her body. I sat with her and held her gently, I said I think we need to call an ambulance (3am), she said no, it escalated her dysregulation. We sat quietly for a long time in the dark and I said we'll get through this together, there is help out there, by this time she’d calmed and I think could ‘hear’ me. The following morning she reluctantly called the crisis team and they did a home visit within hours, she saw them every other day that week. I think the “we’ll get through this together, there is help out there” registered, connected with her she’s not alone and she can get through this if she does the work and save herself. This was after a number of hospitalisations for self harm.

How often is this happening FHL? Your son reaching out and sharing with you and your H his pain? I recognise SO much has been happening, you’re in the eye of the storm. Like Ace, I faced my fear. My fear was gripping me to the point of debilitating inaction, numb. I was totally stuck. That process, experience released some of my pain and see the reality of what was happening to radical acceptance.

You know your son best. Have faith in you.

Keep talking and reaching out, helped me. I'm still here with family in better times   Stay with.

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you WDdx.  I think my son may  be expressing something similar, not so much a desire to die as a desire not to hurt so much. I wish I could take his pain away. As it is all I can do is listen.

[Only Human]

As it is all I can do is listen.

Listening goes a long way and it's clear your DS trusts you with his feelings. Keep up the good work, Faith!

How are things today?

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Today DS is settling into his new apartment. He called his father to ask him to bring over some packages that were delivered to our house (He still uses our mailing address.) So DH is over there now. I also sent some homemade chili. DS likes it when I cook for him. I think it helps him feel loved. So far, so good.

[Only Human]

I also sent some homemade chili. DS likes it when I cook for him. I think it helps him feel loved. So far, so good.

Homemade chili as he settles in is a very caring gesture. I'm glad things are going well, so far 

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smallbluething]

Today DS is settling into his new apartment. He called his father to ask him to bring over some packages that were delivered to our house (He still uses our mailing address.) So DH is over there now. I also sent some homemade chili. DS likes it when I cook for him. I think it helps him feel loved. So far, so good.

Glad you're finding a little calm after the storm. I hope it continues.

[Music Ace]

FHLKC - your homemade chili is truly the epitome of a 'care package'.

Enjoy the serenity of today and wishing you an equally successful tomorrow!

Ace

[Mirsa]

Hi FHLKC,

It sounds as though things have calmed down and I'm so glad to hear this.  I hope over the next few months, you get some time to rest and rejuvenate. 

Like Ace, my DD17 had a period of repeated suicide threats and three in-patient hospitalizations.  No real attempts however, even though she likes to tell everyone that she did attempt.  Like Ace's doctor, I believe that she is smart enough to have accomplished it, if she truly tried it.  She made a point of researching exactly how long it would take to die by each method of suicide and made sure to share this with me. 

I've also decided that if she does follow-through on this one day, I will not only survive, but continue to thrive.  Most of her problems are also self-inflicted, and I've chosen to move forward and live my life to it's fullest.  I'm entering a period of what I consider to be a new freedom, as my younger daughter will go to college in two years.  I feel like the next decade is MY time.  I want to enjoy my life to it's fullest:  the end of a successful career, time to grow spiritually, time to invest in close friendships, and maybe even energy to pursue a new romance.  I personally refuse to take care of an adult child during this time.  It won't work for me;  I'd become resentful and bitter.

So, I've emotionally detached, try to practice compassion, and don't let threats of self-harming control my life any longer. 

Hope you also find a way to manage the never-ending turbulence.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Miss a
How did you get to a point of such serenity that you know you will thrive even in the face of a child's suicide? I am not there yet. I would like to be.

[Daisy123]

Hello Faith LH,
It’s so heart wrenching when our loved ones threaten suicide. And I agree with WX and others here, the threats are about huge emotional pain. It’s about not wanting to be in their bodies because the pain at that moment is intolerable.

You ask a good question, how do we come to know we’d survive if our loved ones completed a suicide.

My therapist had me imagine the worst case scenario - it was terrifying, but I was able to let go of some of that anxiety. It helped me prepare and let go at the same time. I can’t fortell the future, Id like to think that I’d survive and find a way to thrive. It’s a rather dark exercise- not one I would recommend without the support of someone to talk through the devastation. It did loosen up that dreaded fear that I carried for such a long time.