Contemplating an affair

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know better. But at the same time idk if I can stop. I’ve done nothing but try to better my relationship and nothing is seeming to work at all. I’ve tried to talk to my wife’s therapist but my wife has refused to let me talk to her therapist. I called my wife out on her BS and that obviously hasn’t worked. I’ve tried a lot in the past 6 months. Marriage counseling but my wife doesn’t take that seriously, she just goes in and says everything is fine and when she has anything negative to say it’s that I’m controlling. It’s like hey I’m raging at you let’s go to therapy, look at me I’m so nice, leave therapy and instant raging. Since at  home it’s been nothing but raging and dysregulating. I’m beat up as heck mentally and emotionally. I don’t have much left. My wife went on another credit card spending spree recently and I’m being punished for it. Being withheld sex, divorce threats, distancing. You know acting like I’m the one that lied to her and messed up her finances.

In the meantime there’s this other woman who knows of my situation and is longing for my affection. I haven’t felt that way from my wife for quite sometime. I really know I shouldn’t but I’m longing for something and I’m quite tempted to take this woman up on her offer. Idk what I should do. I mean I know but at the same time I’m human and I crave authentic attention too.

[Ltahoe]

I know better. But at the same time idk if I can stop. I’ve done nothing but try to better my relationship and nothing is seeming to work at all. I’ve tried to talk to my wife’s therapist but my wife has refused to let me talk to her therapist. I called my wife out on her BS and that obviously hasn’t worked. I’ve tried a lot in the past 6 months. Marriage counseling but my wife doesn’t take that seriously, she just goes in and says everything is fine and when she has anything negative to say it’s that I’m controlling. It’s like hey I’m raging at you let’s go to therapy, look at me I’m so nice, leave therapy and instant raging. Since at  home it’s been nothing but raging and dysregulating. I’m beat up as heck mentally and emotionally. I don’t have much left. My wife went on another credit card spending spree recently and I’m being punished for it. Being withheld sex, divorce threats, distancing. You know acting like I’m the one that lied to her and messed up her finances.

In the meantime there’s this other woman who knows of my situation and is longing for my affection. I haven’t felt that way from my wife for quite sometime. I really know I shouldn’t but I’m longing for something and I’m quite tempted to take this woman up on her offer. Idk what I should do. I mean I know but at the same time I’m human and I crave authentic attention too.

[Perdita]

I loathe affairs and cheating yet I get where you are coming from.  It's something that has crossed my mind too. It would be nice to actually have someone's full attention, to have someone genuinely interested in me and what I think, the things I enjoy. 

I don't know all your rs details. It's always so easy to tell someone to just leave, but at least on here we know things are rarely that simple. Although I understand your reasons, I think an affair is more likely to end badly that to give you what you crave.

[Ltahoe]

I know I’m stuck. I’m really fighting the temptation that’s why I posted something. I have always loathed them myself and think lowly of ppl who have them, yet I’m tempted. I’m hoping I don’t follow through but it gets harder by the day not to. I was having all kinds of issues this summer with my BPDW who was accusing me of being controlling sexually, with money and this and that. She sees a counselor that “supposedly” rejects my wife’s BPD diagnoses from a psychiatrist. She comes home from that therapist basically blaming everything on me being controlling and insecure. I offered myself up to that T, but the T called my wife and said that my wife would have to be ok with it. Wife said she was fine with it to me but I’ve seen nothings come out of it.

A few months back that counselor reduced contact with my wife “supposedly” because my wife is doing so well. Idk that T doesn’t offer DBT like the psychiatrist recommended and isn’t interested in the offer from the psychiatrist. My wife was open to couples but not a new T so it was a real pain to find a T that would even try therapy without her first willing to be in DBT already.

Things improved before therapy for awhile cause she got fired and of course I was her rescuer again. But now she has a new job and has always been kind of a people pleaser/chameleon initially to get ppl to like her. So her new coworkers that she’s gravitated towards aren’t really the type of ppl good for a marriage. So now she’s more into being accepted by those people and considering out of all the people she works with she befriends the two that are recently single and has has a strong anti men sentiment lately. She’s been treating me like crap and I am back in my no win situations so she can basically constantly punish me. 

A few months back it got even more intense when she got caught lying about using her credit card that she cut up in front of me. I’m guessing she cut up some random card to please me. Ever since that credit card issue she’s been withholding sex, being distant, not letting me come around, treating me like crap, upping and intensifying the divorce threats. I mean I’ve dealt with this all before. I mean leading up to these last few months she’s used sex as a controlling mechanism, worst if she doesn’t think the withholding sex alone is enough she’ll lirerally make sure she turns me on. Not to be graphic make no mistake she makes sure to give me the attention in a sexual way to make sure I’m aroused then shut it down. So I’m a little fed up with this whole anti male sentiment, the psychological and controlling games being punished for her mistakes.

Divorce would be hard because of financial circumstances and Children. So I’m stuck I really don’t want to stoop that low and hope I come to my senses but seriously I’m being toyed with on every level imagineable right now.

[Notwendy]

No judgement here, because you are human, and I think any human is capable of being tempted under certain circumstances.

Let's assume we aren't the sum of our temptations. We are the sum of our actions. Let's say we are tempted to steal something. That doesn't make us a thief, but if we steal something, we are a thief.

I will address this not on the basis of an affair, but on the basis of your own self image- who you are and what you think of yourself. I hope you can take some rational distance and decide- how would you see yourself if you had an affair. Would you respect yourself?

Affairs involve dishonesty and sneaking around. How would you feel about yourself if you did this?

You see, it isn't about your relationship with your wife, or anyone else. It's about your relationship with you. One of the things we tend to forget about in a dysfunctional relationship is- our love and respect for ourselves. Even if we don't get love or respect from a spouse- we should have enough love and respect for ourselves. Companionship, attention, affection and sex make us feel good, but if we don't already have self love, then this won't repair that.

Think about the traits you admire in a person- and be that person.

[Cat Familiar]

You will do what you’ll do, but like the point Notwendy brought up, you want to feel in harmony with yourself, whatever choice you make.

It’s easy to point out the obvious risks: getting caught, your kids finding out, perhaps this woman is unstable, STDs, etc., but when the heart (or other parts) want what they want, it’s easy to minimize these potentialities.

Do you think that you want an out to your marriage, but there’s no easy way?

[Perdita]

What you said about not being able to financially afford to leave your marriage is a dilemma faced by - I am sure - millions of people around the world regardless of their partner's mental state.

If you were to have an affair and you get caught out by your wife, what will happen to you financially if she files for divorce? She would then be the wronged spouse, ironically.  I don't know if you have a prenup or what the law says in your area. I am simply wondering if the financial consequences won't be worse for you if your marriage ends due to an affair. You will also have to deal with people,  who know nothing about your marriage, labeling you as the a-hole.  Of course, you shouldn't listen to that, but it will still hurt.

[Q-DawgVFR]

Wow your circumstances sound VERY eerily similar to where I was at in my R/S in about 4 or 5 years ago.  My wife was acting in very similar manner.  And I was standing pretty much in your shoes and contemplating how unhappy I was, feeling trapped by circumstances, wanting to feel love and attention (I wasn't feeling it at home) and feeling like I deserved something better for myself.  Unsure what to do with myself.  I never in a million years thought I would find myself contemplating having an affair. 

But just like that, I was.  And I started chatting with other people online.  Women who were experiencing similar frustration in their relationships as I was. I found the chatting comforting to know that I wasn't the only one feeling that way.  And it felt good to have someone else interested in me.  I found myself getting drawn closer to the edge of that threshold.  I finally understood how / why a lot of people do end up cheating, and I don't view it in the same black and white perspective I used to.  I get it, why people do it.  I don't judge that.

But as others have pointed out, loving yourself is an important part of the puzzle.  Would you feel good about yourself if you have an affair?  Sure you will have someone caught up in your charm, and you may find someone else enticing also: but the reality is that you will both be seeing only the portions of reality that you choose to reveal to each other.  And you will have lies and (probably) guilt to contend with.  Something to ponder. It is not all fun and games like it is portrayed in the movies.  I won't even get into the whole STI issue, but it is very real, and you can pass things onto your wife eventually.  Wouldn't be the best way to find out.  Also think about the emotional damage you can cause your family if you get caught.  Can you live with that? 

If you truly feel at the end of your rope, that you have nothing left to lose, have you considered other alternative behaviors?  Distance (chill period) or a time out? 

Divorce is always hard and inconvenient, but are you truly trapped by your circumstances?  I thought I was trapped at the time I was in your shoes, and then my circumstances got a lot worse and I felt even more trapped (caring for someone with chronic illness: no way to leave without looking like the biggest jerk)  The reality is we all have choice: but are we willing to use it?

Sorry if this sounds preachy.  I am not judging.  Have been there pretty much in your shoes, done that, came out the other side and vowed to myself (for myself) to not disappear down that rabbit hole.  I have been recently on the receiving end of cheating behavior, and let me tell you the pain, hurt and lost trust in the other person is a price I will not pay... .It shakes you to your very core, makes you doubt and question things you think you know about yourself that you thought were solid. It is a very hard feeling to come back from.

I am currently on a short term separation (my wife moved out for the month), and in reaching out to some friends, one of them (former coworker) dropped some strong hints and was fishing to see if I was dating or had anyone.  As tempting as it was (and still is), I said I was waiting out this period and would be resolving things (one way or the other) with my wife before thinking about further steps.  Even if my wife breaks our agreement and  cheats on me again while we are separated, I will still feel good about making a decision in line with who I feel I am, and my values.  That is important to me.

I can't say to you what to do.  Some people have cheated and learned things about themselves in the process.  Sometimes it can help to de-couple from the relationship and build up the courage to leave, if that's what you really want to do.  Just know that it comes with a cost that you may not want to pay.  I have more to say than I would post publicly on this touchy subject.  Should you want to reach out, I'm willing to discuss via PM.

Think carefully about your options.

"The truth is still the truth, even if no one believes it.  A lie is still a lie, even if everyone believes it."

You will know the difference.

[formflier]

What good can come out of a choice to have an affair?

What bad can come out of a choice to have an affair?

A thoughtful examination of your answers to those questions will help you make an informed choice.

FF

[Ltahoe]

Thank you guys for the responses. Honestly I was getting pretty scared that I might go through with it yesterday as I was supposed to hang out with this other woman. It had been planned for a few days and I hadn’t bailed on her yet like I thought I would and a few hrs left to make the decision. Yet I was feeling pulled in all different directions with everything going on lately. Threats of divorce going into valentines, on valentines, the day after. Etc. In  the end we never ended up hanging out. I talked to the potential partner yesterday and so both just know I don’t have it in me to go through with it. All though I feel like if we would’ve hung out yesterday thiings could have got fishy really fast, my biggest thing was I needed to not hangout with this Lady cause once I did it would’ve been done.  The whole thing has been a few weeks in the making, and things were already getting inappropriate. I just felt really caught in the moment and I’m somewhat relieved the situation is mostly dissolved.

My marriage is probably over and I’m just in denial. I really have lost almost all trust and all respect for my wife. She’s constantly trying to put herself in messed up situation and I feel like she does it on purpose either to get on my nerve or cause she’s not bold enough to discard me herself so she’s going to torture me til I break. In addition I can kind of tell how the coworkers she hangs out with act because I deal with a new set of behaviors every time she switches jobs. Last job she worked at a bank and would come home talking about certain guys hitting on her and would be like ya I saw their account and was like I don’t think so. I’m stuck thinking like that’s nice that’s you’re criteria of turning down the guys that hit in you.

It wasn’t long ago she had a client who was a stripper and was telling her all the money this person made and all the sudden she wanted a job at the strip club, but just as a server so it would be ok.  Of course she knows my thoughts about that and basically asked to just confirm them. Then a few weeks later starts talking about going out with her new coworker friends who are both newly single.   One who claims she left cause her ex who was cheating on her, which I find suspicious since that coworker was dating someone immediately when they broke up, then she didn’t like that guy so was with another guy a few days later. Then her other coworker get this broke up with her BF because he wasn’t Christian enough. Guess were they wanted to go the strip club. But I was supposed to be ok with it because they would do watch female strippers. So I’m not sure what the hell my wife is trying to do. But I’m definitely not happy. Of course I kind of tell her my thoughts again. Like can’t you guys go out to eat after work or something. So then apparently the coworkers want to go out to eat. Then she tells her coworkers she can’t go out to eat because my Husband Wont let me go. Idk she forces the controlling narrative basically running a smear campaign. I’m supposedly controlling but apparently she’s way out of control. 

She’s now wanting an emotional support pet. Kind of ironic since one of her coworkers has one, so she’s trying to pick one that I’m allergic to and needs it for emotional support. She’s already said it’s sertrled and we won’t get one to the MC but she’s constantly bombarding me with requests and showing my child all these pets asking them if they want one. She has a coworker that has 3 jobs and all the sudden wanted to have multiple jobs. Of course when I say something like your job pays well enough and supplements our other income quite well, why would you like to do that. I am controlling, of course a month or two later she’s complaining now that she works too many hrs at her single job.

She went on this credit card spending spree wich we thought we solved this issue half a year ago. Idk it’s just never ending i really hate her I’m controlling accusations cause I don’t control anything really. Heck I don’t even know what she spent this credit card money on, that’s how much space she has. She’s basically using the I’m controlling as a mechanism to make sure she gets to keep me at a distance and conscious of me making sure I’m not doing anything she can use to validate and later say is controlling behavior. Basically she’s being controlling and she already knows this she has journaling entries that basically asking herself why she is so controlling, but of course she won’t be honest in MC about who really is controlling.

Idk she’s set in this mission to prove everyone that I’m controlling and making things appear that way at any cost. She’s gone as far as putting on some $2 white dress made of cheap fabric made in China that was totally see through and went to go to work in it. When I asked if she could change and wear something else  she made a huge stink about it and threw back the controlling thing in my face. Then over the next few days she wore the shortest dresses she could find to work and when I didn’t say anything she made sure to say stuff. Like the way my hips sit I can’t find anything work appropriate, or one day she came home bending over making it obvious how short her dress was and how high it rode up, she says sorry I know my dress is super short when I bend over. Idk my only comment was well you know I thought you wanted to be promoted I’m not sure why you would want to clearly violate your works dress code. But of course it became a story of how I was controlling. Ironically not long after she went from be sought out for a promotion and was canned instead.

Idk just all this stuff is super stressful to me. I’m damned if I stay and have to deal with this stuff, or I’m damned as far as parenting time and money if I leave. So ya part of me thinks this marriage is over and when am I ready to suffer the financial consequences and the effects of it on my children I’ll orobanly just man up and leave.

[zachira]

What is probably key in deciding whether to have an affair or not is making sure whatever you do is that it is a conscious choice and what is in your best interests. Posting here on this site is openly sharing about what you are feeling and thinking. Therapy can be helpful in figuring out how to  make the decisions that are in your best interest. In some countries for many years, divorce was not allowed, the couple separated, and one or both of the separated partners lived with a new partner in a committed relationship, and then sometimes the couples got married when getting a divorce after divorce became legal. Whatever you do, you have some hard choices and consequences. Keep us posted on how you are doing,  and let us know what you are thinking no matter how out of line it may seem with social norms for relationships.

[Skip]

Affairs always seem like a good idea going in.  Few of us have the skills to anticipate all the problems they create - both with the affair partner and the family (wife, kids, parents, etc.)

[Skip]

Affairs are adjunct relationships... .we don't pick them because they are complete relationships, we pick them because the fulfill and absence in the relationship we are in. Feeling loved is a common one.


As a result, we often become connected to the affair - we need both relationships and don't want to give on up. Yes, I love the affection. Yes, I love the day to day life with kids. No, I can't seamlessly have both. Pull one leg out, the stool falls over.

Often, this is not a person we would pick if we were out of our marriage, stable, and looking for a healthy relationship. Rebound relationships are bad, affairs are far more messy.

Also your affair partner is picking a married man - that says many things. We like to think we are special, but when you dig down on these things, the fact that we are not fully available is often part of the attraction. Many of the "BPD" relationships here started as affairs.

If the affair continues, trust will likely emerge as an issue between you.

So I do think it would feel great in the beginning and you will feel on top of the world.  The problems come later and the solutions are often all very painful.

My marriage is probably over and I’m just in denial.

this stuff is super stressful to me. I’m damned if I stay and have to deal with this stuff, or I’m damned as far as parenting time and money if I leave. So ya part of me thinks this marriage is over and when am I ready to suffer the financial consequences and the effects of it on my children I’ll probably just man up and leave.

Before you blow up a bunch of lives... .decide if "probably" is "definitely" and man up (as you say).

If you need some clarity, read about the problems members here have had with affairs. Here is one: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309382.msg12866507#msg12866507

[Ltahoe]

I realize I said I was contemplating an affair and yes I was very caught up in the moment yesterday, I was about to go through with it but knowing I can’t go back on something I did I needed to put my feelings out there and hoped that the right decision was made, and it was. Not saying it wasn’t a poor choice to ignite something in the first place that could’ve lead to an affair. It’s not an imminent risk As of now. I had a conversation with the partner and it’s not going to happen anymore. I guess I knew it was a make or break moment yesterday it’s why I was a little overwhelmed I knew I had to act one way or another and when it came down to it the fire out is out on that one.

Even if I had done it there was no good to come out of it. Even if I separated with my wife I wouldn’t want to be with this woman so even though the choice should’ve been clear all along I guess it wasn’t. I’ve been flooded with hurt for a long time by one person and another offering what seemed like the attention I wish I had from my wife.

I’m not using what I said above and after as justification for an affair or why I might still seek one. I Just simply stating that I’ve been through a lot lately and I’m pretty stressed out trying to figure out what to do. Simply put I don’t want to be married to a woman that’s acting like my wife. I’m my opinion my wife is not a “wife” But I have my own issues(codependency) when it comes to ending the relationship plus other complications that I’m worried about as mentioned above. 

I’m just going to get certain things in order in the meantime so that if divorce does happen I’m ready.

[Cat Familiar]

Simply put I don’t want to be married to a woman that’s acting like my wife.

There are many ways to parse this sentence:
I don't want to be married to my wife.
I want to be married to my wife if she acts differently.
I wouldn't marry a woman if she acted like my wife.

Perhaps this is what you're avoiding and the idea of an affair seemed like a nice distraction.

[Ltahoe]

Ya I suck at grammar. Plus typing on a phone doesn’t help my grammar problem. But pick the last two feel them would apply to how I feel.

[Cat Familiar]

If the following describe your feelings:
I want to be married to my wife if she acts differently.
I wouldn't marry a woman if she acted like my wife.


Then, it can be extrapolated that had you known your wife would behave the way she does, you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

However it seems that you hold some hope that your wife might be induced to act differently, and then you would be content with her.

So far, she hasn't. What gives you hope that this might change?

[Ltahoe]

I’m sorry I touched a nerve with you guys. I thought maybe some ppl would understand why I felt the way I did.  There was a lot of built up sexual tension. I’m in a relationship where my wife cuts me off and rejects me. Then makes sure I know how many men want her. Then just cause you stop trying and give up she makes sure to come into bed naked to you and starts stroking your member only so she can reject you. Ya I’m sorry I wa in such a psychological state from some of this

[Cat Familiar]

Hey, Ltahoe, we really get how untenable your situation is. Anybody who walks in your shoes would have similar thoughts. Of course this is very difficult for you and nobody would choose to be in your position.

That said, certainly some people have some triggers about affairs, either having experienced the fallout from one their partner engaged in or their own regrets from an affair they personally initiated.

I certainly don't judge you and I understand the temptation. It sounds like you feel really trapped in your marriage for financial reasons and because of your kids.

My feeling is that we have choices, and some of those might be tough choices, but it's better to be true to ourselves than to live an inauthentic life. Not everyone shares this criteria. For some, marriage is a commitment until the kids leave home. For others, it's until death do us part.

There are many people who have ended dysfunctional marriages to a pwBPD and have found much more happiness and contentment with a more emotionally stable partner. (I'm one of them, even though my current husband is BPD-lite.)

No one knows better what would be best for you than you. We might try and nudge you to look at alternative ways of thinking, but it's your choice what you do. And it's helpful to share your feelings and make sure they're in alignment with your values before you set foot on a path which can irrevocably change your life.

So, you probably learned something from talking it out. And my wish for you, should there be a next time, is if you really want an affair, choose someone who is a worthy partner.

[Ltahoe]

Sorry I got off on a bad note. I guess I really don’t want an affair or I would’ve went through with it yesterday and not pushed the other woman back. I  just want the BS to end and I feel pretty sexually frustrated given the way my wife is about it. It’s not good enough for my wife to reject me or for her to just ignore me sexually but she herself makes initial sexual contact to the point of intercourse so she then can reject me at that point. It’s very clear it’s not missed signals on my part but flat out instigation so she can reject me. I’m frustrated as heck and Idk what to do.

It’s also very frustrating that my wife makes a point to dress very provocative I’d post pics but I highly doubt considering that many are Christians here would be comfortable with those pics because we’re talking about stuff that is about 2 inches from showing her crotch if that while standing up. It’s  impossible for her to sit or bend over without showing underwear then rub  it in my face that all kinds of guys want her. Then she has the nerve to say I’m controlling. It’s clear she’s pushing as hard as she can to try and prove that narrative so I’m the bad guy. I really wonder if BPD is even her strongest PD and if she really isn’t NPD. MC has also brought this up to that certain things seem more NPD than BPD.

I get it affairs are sensitive subject. Let’s face it my wife has probably has multiple affairs no 100% evidence but some very gray areas have been crossed and unanswered questionable things have happened.  So ya I hink it’s a horse crap thing to do. I suppose idk know if anyone can relate to their spouse purposely initiating sexual intimacy only to get you to bite for long enough to reject you. But dang let me tell you it feels pretty crappy. It’s actually messed up that my wife thinks it’s ok to do this sort to thing. Has anyone here been through that? I mean how do you cope with that? Metaphorically speaking it’s like dehydrating someone giving them a drop of water then leaving a glass of gasoline or something to drink. It’s basically torture is what it is. I’m not sure what she’s trying to do. Is she trying to sexually frustrate me so much that I do find a different sex partner? Then she’s like look at him having an affair. Is she up to something and she wants to say look he doesn’t even come on to me and he stops me from coming on to him because that’s what’s going to happen I’m not even going to  want her to touch me knowing this is why she’s doing it, to reject me.  Then she’ll have an excuse for her affair?

Idk if my wife is more NPD than BPD I’m probably in discard phase anyways this is sort of what I really wonder. Is she really NPD dominant and at this point just seeing how much I can take before I leave? Read some of the above also with wanting a pet that I’ve had allergic reactions to. Not only that getting my kids hyped up in getting a pet too, so who’s the bad guy when my kids can’t have a pet? Is this what’s referred to gaslighting I do get all the terms mixed up. But she’s basically running around and staging and making me look like the bad guy and then being all look how nice I am to all those that don’t know better.

I mean I don’t see no way for it to get better, what hope is there for me? I’m being played out and drove insane by her behavior. I guess it is what it is. But make no mistake I’m not going to have an affair I figured that out yesterday no matter how crappy my wife treats me it’s not in me, and I actually feel better today about that whole situation being lifted off my shoulders.

[Notwendy]

I think your wife being provocative to you like that is cruel.

I think anyone in your shoes would be thinking about being with someone else.

I also think the posters here are not judging you but trying to help you avoid getting into a situation that could be ultimately more difficult than your marriage and more costly in the long run than divorce- as it would be probably impossible to repair a marriage if she found out- and would lead to divorce anyway.

I know it is expensive and difficult to divorce, but if your marriage is at this point, it may be better to  face that situation than to complicate it with a third person and diminishing your integrity.

[Ltahoe]

Yes perhaps I was feeling Judged because I know it’s wrong, yet I didn’t do it and the responses came in but only in the interest of help and additional thought. There’s a lot of good points here and others as well. Obviously it would be a bad example for my children and a lot could come back to bite me in the butt. Even though my relationship may seem pretty much ruined, cheating may seem like so what I destroy an already destroyed relationship on the surface but there’s a lot  more involved and at stake.

Thank you All

[AskingWhy]

I contemplated briefly having an affair but my conscience would not have tolerated it.

Instead, I am married but emotionally I am not.  This means I have disengaged from the emotional investment in the marriage in which my uBPD H is more invested in his adult children.

In the presence of my H and his children, I always feel left out as he splits me right in front of them.  It's as though I cease to exist to him as he focuses his attention so intently on his children.  This happened before we married, while we were dating, and I did not see it for the red flag that it was.  His children were all very young and in the sole custody of their uNPD mother.  (The mother had an affair with a married man, then divorced her children's father to marry her lover; the lover divorced his wife to marry her.)  Now that the children are all almost 30, H still is consumed by their presence, seeking to gain their favour with expensive gifts, vacations, money and flattery.  Since childhood, they sensed their father's desperation to see them during visitations, and used (and still use) emotional blackmail to get what they want for themselves and the grandchildren.

You can see this does not win a woman's heart.  Add to this the dyregulations, volatile explosions (holes punched in walls, upended furniture, broken kitchenware, etc.) I have stopped being emotionally invested in my marriage.  It's getting to the point where I no longer love my H. The H who stole my heart almost 20 years ago was an act intended to impress me as BPDs and NPDs do--they lack an identity, and can assume any identity they wish at any particular moment.  We are roommates more than anything else, and I am his emotional punching bag.  I have learned communication techniques that help diffused the episodes, but it's still not a marriage.   I would love to have a H who is sane and rational, and won't have such a thin skin.  I want a H who knows who he is.

Everyone in a R/S with a pwBPD need to make the decision to what extent they will commit to the R/S, and in which manner.  

[Ltahoe]

Yes Asking why I agree with a lot of what you said.

Anyone following I’m going to start a new thread “BPD resentment” as it seems what I want to say is taking a different direction and as my own feelings have changed. I’d no longer like the title of this thread to influence anyone thinking I’m still debating a poor decision.

I’ll just briefly reiterate I was in a critical moment of decision making when I started this thread and was worried about which direction would be taken. I sort of was looking for positive influence and some back up to make sure I snap out if I didn’t come to my own.

[Cat Familiar]

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