Bad day - high conflict

[Harrisps]

Hi everyone,

Today has been a bad day with a lot of conflict.

A big trigger for my partner is social situations that are connected to me - friends, family etc. Its become very very difficult since our first daughter arrived 18months ago.

To the point where she feels so ashamed and embarrassed of things that most of us shrug off much easier.

I’m trying so hard to be supportive to my partners feelings and maintain a certain level of normality socially but I am struggling to find steady state of enjoyment in life. I can’t get off the rollercoaster.

Today she pushed and pushed and pushed all the while I was remaining calm trying to validate her then I got exhausted around lunchtime and flipped started being an arsehole in return. Felt like I wanted to tear my head off and hers, drink hard liquor and check out of life for awhile.

We are both so tired.

I have calmed down a lot now and re read some of he conflict tools on here but my partner is obviously hammered even further down now because I have said nasty things and screamed in her face.

One step up and two steps back.

Leaving he relationship doesn’t seem like a better option but this is so hard to deal with. When I am tired I do not find it easy read between the lines of what she is saying and what she is actually feeling - can anyone relate to a day like this and/or offer advice for the future?

Many thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  When I am tired I do not find it easy read between the lines of what she is saying and what she is actually feeling - can anyone relate to a day like this and/or offer advice for the future?

I'm having a similar day.  I only got 4ish hours of sleep last night.  When I slept it wasn't too great.

My pwBPD is on a tear today and I'm focusing on disengagement since I know I'm compromised.

I plan to get extra sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a better day.

What can you do to go to bed early ?  What else can you do to be extra kind to yourself?

FF

[Harrisps]

Hi FF,

Thanks for your reply. I did sleep last night and do feel more in control today.

My partner is still spiralling with rage and negative emotion but I managed to remain calm and make it out to work this morning without losing my self respect again.

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to be in this relationship but my head tells to keep trying as we have a child and home and I do love her. We had never been to this place before our daughter was born. I keep thinking when she is older we will have better sleep and more energy, my partner will feel healthier and we can be happier... .I am ambivalent though and sometimes that notion can feel naive.

I hope you’re having a better day.

[formflier]

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to be in this relationship but my head tells to keep trying as we have a child and home and I do love her. 

I'm usually trying to drive people to see the "big picture".  I'm going to do the opposite with you.

Let's suppose for a bit that you aren't strong enough to "consider" staying or leaving the relationship.  Certainly that is a massive decision and one that I wouldn't advise considering if you are tired... .worn down emotionally... .etc etc.  Let's just say those type of decisions should be made when you are at your best.

How does that sound?

So... .can I ask you to consider if you are strong enough to "leave" unproductive conflict?  While you don't seem to reference "circular arguments", am I correct in guessing that some of those are in there.

You wouldn't be abandoning the relationship but you would be making a statement about YOUR values that you won't be part of unproductive conflict. 

I think I'll stop here and get a response.  Does this seem like something that might work for you?  If so... .we can work through details.

Best,

FF

[Harrisps]

That’s the road I want to take - leave the conflict. There have definitely been many circular unending arguments.

Tonight was more settled until I mentioned something about our daughter and a nephew on my side of the family. That has triggered her say many hurtful things and after attempting rational conversation I realised quickly I was in a no win situation. Instead of reacting irrationally and creating more negativity and ammo to be used on me at a later date I have left the room. If nothing else this is helping me regain some energy and maybe let her cool off a little.

Tomorrow’s a new day.

H

[formflier]

Can you give us some he said she said at the turning point?

Also what did you say when leaving?

FF

[Harrisps]

Well we were talking about birthdays that are coming up this week. My partner was ordering a photo card for her niece with a picture of niece and our daughter. There was a 3 for 2 deal on the website and she asked if i needed a card for anyone. I assumed she was hinting at my nephews birthday and I took that as an opportunity to say yeah I could see if I have a picture of our daughter and nephew... trigger...

All of sudden the atmosphere turned...

She said: they don’t hardly know each other unless you take her their without me knowing. Your cousin has never made me feel welcome. They don’t like me etc. Etc.

He said: I’m sorry I took that as a hint towards nephews birthday. It felt like I normal response.

That’s when the dusregulation began properly - i was reminded for around half an hour of things I have said or done. Things that yes I regret but have been few and far between and usually occurred after days of constant berating, freezing out, nasty moods etc.

He said: I have heard enough of this now, I’m going to bed.

She let me go but woke me up frequently through the night with more onslaught. So many times it hit a nerve and felt torturous because I badly wanted to be asleep but I did not react but nothing I could say could change her from the rage she was feeling.

I should note that for three days she has been out of sertraline which she should take daily and is very tired from work/childcare.

Hopefully tonight will be a better night

[formflier]

OK...don't make any changes yet.  It's important that any changes you make you "hold" to and don't let her "roll you"

STOP apologizing.  If you need to make an apology..post here first...we'll help you decide if it is "valid" or not.

So..after her first rant (before your apology)

he said (instead of apology) "Oh my..I can see this is very important to you.  I'm going to get some water to drink and then we could talk about this if you want.  Do you want water or something else to drink?"

give it a few moments..then leave the room to go get water.  Even if she didn't respond...bring her a glass back.  Your goal here is to "slow things down".  To "not add fuel to the fire". (hint..you were adding fuel...can you explain how you were adding fuel?...give it a try)

Many times these BPD things will burn out if you don't give it any fuel.

Next:  Assume you come back and she wants to harangue you for 30 minutes.  Give her 2-3 min.  5 at the most.    You are listening...validating...try to get her to slow down so you can "reflect back what you heard".  NO APOLOGIES.

Finally:  Never ever respond at night after a wake up.  Only say.

He said "I can't talk about this right now.  I need to sleep we can talk in the morning."  Roll over and sleep.  No response.  If the harangue goes on for 5 minutes.  Go to different room to sleep.

If she doesn't "allow" that...go to motel.

Do this EVERY time.

How do you think your life would change?

FF

[Harrisps]

Thanks again. Last night was better and I did use that advice of not engaging through the night which worked.

I still can’t get off the rollercoaster though there was a glimpse of normality yesterday afternoon when she rang and came across loving and friendly, shortly before the call I’d received a text message which was in a similar tone but then a few hours later I called on my way home to see if we needed anything milk etc. And it was a different person again. I know this is part of the disorder and that I shouldn’t be so naive to think that this won’t happen but from a tired persons point of view (as I’m sure eveyone can relate to here) that second call through me back under the bus with a here we go again feeling.

All the advice, the tools, the great support this site brings makes total sense but I just don’t know if I’m smart enough and strong enough to carry it out. I’ll keep trying though as deep down I know there’s a lot to lose here.

[once removed]

certainly its not uncommon for a lot of tension, stress, fighting when you have a newborn. are the two of you sleep deprived?

what is her beef with your family? whats the backstory there?

[Harrisps]

Hi Once removed, thanks for the message.

We are definitely sleep deprived which I know plays a big role in our situation.

We are quite different people socially, I enjoy being social but she doesn’t find it easy. It has always been a niggling issue but since becoming unwell since our daughter came along it has gone to a whole new level.

It’s not always easy fitting into another persons family social circles etc. But I personally believe being present and engaging  in those situations for your partner if nothing else is part of a healthy relationship.

I think the root of her beef is a severe jealously, a worry that she doesn’t feel good enough, she compares herself a lot with other females in my family, that our daughter will want to spend more time with my family than hers when she is older. It’s a similar story with my friends too. Especially career wise she doesn’t feel like she has achieved her potential and perceives everyone else to be flying...

I am sensitive person, happy go lucky and admittedly not very good with confrontation. I have found it very difficult to hear the things that I have heard said about my family even though I know deep down she would like relations to be easier but she feels she has gone so far now she’ll always be rembered as the crazy one and instead atm doesn’t know how to stop her feelings  taking over.

I often wish to feel free-er in our relationship but most of he time I am trying to avoid triggers which I also know is not helping anyone either but probably causing more strain.

I feel I need to get a better handle on my relations with other people in my life instead of being on eggshells and a stronger shield for when these  trigger bad BPD behaviour which I know they will.

Wondering if anyone has had similar family issues?