Trying to get an EX BPD back after she unblocked me

[jamjam]

My ex BPD blocked me on everything when she had left me back in December - I left my social media accounts on public where she could see everything even with me blocked and she ended up unblocking me after 2 months and 2 weeks of No contact. I noticed she unblocked through tags on my social media.  She unblocked me on valentines day, I know this because I remember feeling soppy and checking her social media early in the day and seeing I was blocked and then later on in the day... I was unblocked on Facebook and Twitter - A day or two later she then unblocked me on Instagram. I sent a simple message two weeks after she unblocked with a simple message saying : Hi and that I noticed she unblocked me recently and I hope things are going good for her... I also said she is welcome to send me a message back and if not, that is fine and told her i'm here for her always. She has read it last night and not replied but i'm gonna go back to no contact. I think I messed up but I think she must of felt something by unblocking me when she had no reason to - She could view my social media either way whether I was blocked or not... So i'm back in No Contact. I'm so confused by it all. If anyone wants any further context to the relationship I can give further info!

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[Sandb2015]

Hey jamjam, welcome,

I'm sorry you are experiencing this situation, it hurts, it's confusing, shocking, possibly depressing and can send your thoughts into tailspins.

First some advice, try not to think about she is thinking, that's where things start getting real fuzzy.  You couldn't possibly know what she is thinking, it's natural to project your thoughts during this rough time looking for answers.

Second, read here, write here, there are many similar stories here that you may or may not seem specific to yours.  Educate yourself with what you have/are experiencing and start paying attention to yourself first while learning more.

Take care and express yourself here.

Write out your story...

[Purplex]

Hi jamjam, let me join Sandb2015 and welcome you to the family 

To me it looks like she made the first cautious step to break no contact by unblocking you and I think you reacted very well by sending her a friendly message that doesn't put any pressure on her. Maybe she will take some time to reply, maybe she wont reply at all. But the ball is in her court now.   

What happend when she left in December?
Do you want her back? Stay friends? What motivated you to message her?

[jamjam]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking, still haven't received a reply back as of yet, Basically she had gotten a new job and had seemed to be slowly painting me black for a while. I think she felt she had alot of good things going for her and probably thought about the grass is greener syndrome.  We first broke up in november after she left me after a night out with her friend. My cat had died that night and I told her something bad had come up and I needed to pick her up an hour early as I was distraught, She texted me back calling me manipulative and said that she is going to break up with me, I eventually got there and her friend basically verbally attacked me, I took my girlfriend to the side and eventually got to talk to her 1v1 in my car, she started the whole "This aint working talk" I then snapped and told her to basically f off because it felt so insensitive, Long story short - the next day, she reaffirmed that she wanted to break up and wanted to collect her stuff, I went no contact for a day and then she contacted me saying she was finding it hard and didnt want to not speak to me - she didnt know whether she wanted to get back together but she wanted to talk... eventually that night I went to hers, in my head I was thinking this was it, I got there and she backed up on to the bed in a cuddling position; after all that went on this confused the hell out of me. In the end we ended up getting back together on her terms: This lead to me only being able to speak for a certain amount of time, visit when she had decided and so on. I do admit this made me VERY needy which probably pushed her away some more.

After making up she went back to being moody off and on without being provoked. Long story short, about 2 weeks after we had made up she went on another night out with one of her only close friends, during that night out she tried gaslighting me twice, the first time she said "the bar lady complimented on how well she is handling her drink" which seemed complete bull and random, the second time she told me "she had too much to drink" This made me worried and caused me to spam her with texts saying I hope she is okay and im here if she needs me etc... She knew how my anxiety was as my first ex cheated on me after not remembering if she got with someone or not... anyways, she went hot and cold, she then ignored me for a long period of time which made me worry more. She ended up getting home safe back to her friends and was still off with me. In the morning I messaged and she was very nice and jokey since her friend was asleep and she had no one to speak to, soon as her friend got up she went back to ignoring and being off with me. Eventually I sent her a text saying I am on her side and to stop this animosity and that I loved her - she continued to ignore it. We had planned to meet up later that day when she got back... this is where I lost composure, I had asked her once she got back to hers, and I eventually visit, is it okay if i have a shower at her flat... she then basically bluntly said no and said that her flat wasnt a stopping shop. This pissed me off as she had been living at my family house for a year before getting a job and moving into a flat.

In the end... I had gotten there and said I am not being her punching bag no more as she previously been mentally and emotionally abusive through the relationship painting me black and white. This was basically me finally sticking up for myself and she then ended it and told me she didnt want to work on it no more and told me she had been looking at other guys. This broke me as I was willing to work through anything for her and didnt want to break up - I was just fed up of the cold shoulders and hot and cold and the moods. For a couple of days after I admit I was needy and spammed her with messages and bought her flowers which caused her to call the police to warn me - she also partly lied and said I forced entry on the day we had broken up (I had texts to prove I hadnt and that she was expecting me and texted me afterwards.) This completely broke me and Ive been in no contact up until recently ever since. We had some really good times during the relationship and the bad times were mainly a result of her sudden mood changes and then followed by verbal abuse and so on... I just want her back in my life really, I was only with her for 1 year and 3 months and I miss her dearly. My motivation was basically her unblocking me on valentines day. I know how she thinks in a sense that she is really implosive. She doesnt ever reach out to people she has had problems with and is very stubborn but I know she also can feel remorse or sadness.

EDIT - First time we broke up November 16th 2018
            Second time - December 2nd 2018
            No contact from - 9th December 2018
            She unblocked on the 14th Feb 2019
            I contacted 25th feb 2019

[Sandb2015]

Good afternoon jamjam,

This seems so confusing, I hear you and understand.

It seems like your focused on her and her words and actions.

One of the first things I learned here and I'm looking for correction if wrong...The pwBPD says things that we hang on as it were you or me, they speak in emotions and the thing we take for granted, the literal agreed upon meanings of things in normal social interactions go out the window with pwBPD.  Our minds take the words of other literally and that's a tough thing to let go of when interacting with a pwBPD.

We get on their boat without realizing it and they are the captain and were lost and can't speak, can't teach the captain, the captain will punish us for almost anything.

There is no boat, no metaphoric captain, that's part of the FOG, maybe a large part.

Stop and feel yourself, think about yourself, allow yourself to see the difference between you and her.

Do the days matter in the big picture as evidence to convince others or build a case?  Breathe jamjam and step away a little.  Tell your story, it helps. The pwBPD doesn't keep the same records to compare later, let it go if possible.

I was probably worse than you when the s**t hut the fan, disaster, panic, extreme feelings...yes, neediness. Our behavior at that time has more to do with us than them.  It doesn't register with a pwBPD when we are falling apart and send the begging, pleading, explanatory texts,  please look up JADE and JADEing.

Our behavior, our reactions are following the pwBPD.  What are those feelings, dig deep, they didn't really create them, we did.  Those are our feelings only stimulated by a pwBPD.

[jamjam]

It really is confusing, when things werent going the way she hoped or liked during the relationship she did threaten to break up alot. Every time she would initiate arguments I would instantly try to defuse them and calm her down and this would eventually piss her off and just have a sporadic vent of insults and horrible things. There was one time in particular that she wanted to facetime after a break up threat - I declined this; she had later said she wanted to facetime and she promised she wouldnt break up with me... She then went on facetime in tears and said there is something wrong with her. Me being me, thought she had a hard day and was insecure and comforted her and said that I am here for her and there "is nothing wrong with her" and everyone has their bad days. Nights and actions like me would then set the tone continuously through the relationship where I felt I was so focused on her words and actions. Most of the time I felt like I was walking on egg shells to the point something I could say could set her off down the same path again.

I just have to realise I will never truly understand her actions or intentions... even now. Im just trying to find a link or correlation with other peoples experiences but every pwBPD is different in a sense. When I saw she had unblocked me it was a ray of hope that maybe things could finally be sorted and we could be friends or even possibly sort out our relationship. When we broke up the first time a couple of words she said in a text stood by me "I want you apart of my life even as friends" and "maybe we are soul mates, just not yet"... she also spoke about being the "right person, wrong time" and these words stuck with me.

Exactly I 100 percent agree our behaviour shows our own insecurities whether it be from then or past problems. Towards the end my anxiety was shot with the pwBPD and then had gotten alot worse after we broke up.

She read the kind message I sent the other night and has yet to reply. I guess with all the puzzle pieces I had been given it seemed like maybe she was afraid to make contact so I did the deed and was disappointed when she did not reply. 

[jamjam]

Little bit to add to the back story - She never had many close friends in her life - her uni friends she had caused a massive argument with after calling one of the girls who lived in her household a snake. She had previously argued with other friends at university and it seemed like she was very implosive, she didnt have many close friends and the friends she did have that was close - she bitched about them all the time. At her university graduation she only spoke to one person and that girl wasnt even on her course. She was not on speaking terms with her brother either and she never told me the reasons why but they absolutely hate eachother (even in adulthood). It sort of makes me feel really sorry for her even though she was probably the cause of it all. When we broke up she literally had 1 close friend and a couple of new friends from work. It seems that wherever she goes, drama follows and she is constantly burning bridges. 

[Sandb2015]

Hey jamjam,

How we react to the pwBPD does make a difference, it's not about manipulation (could be mistakenly seen that way) or humoring them IF WE USE THE TOOLS WE LEARN HERE WRONGLY.

As I remember, we first need to stop making it worse.

That goes against our grain of logic, emotions and rationale, we THINK we can get through and let them know our intentions and somehow they will see the light , calm down and start communicating in a way WE want...Nope!


The normal action/reaction-reaction/action is not something we can produce and control in a pwBPD.


It is so difficult to use a different filter than we have never used before apart from our "programming".  We use natural tools we have developed our entire lives to deal with "difficult" people, they aren't "difficult" in that sense.  We use our best heart, mind, empathy (as we know it), sympathy, anger, discontent, facial dissatisfaction, body language etc. to communicate and actually think we are conveying things we can't put into words and it will eventually be understood, this is the seed of many a problem and we water and water again.

That's great, not so with a pwBPD, there are a whole set of tools we can develop to validate this person we are so desperately wanting to connect to.

Many pwBPD don't have very near and dear close friends, they may call them that, it's not the case.  Family may love them, but refer to them as "difficult" to say the least and tip toe around them making sure they don't get into conflict with them and keep some distance which is more than just distance..  At best, a high functioning pwBPD can manage at work and in society, but will have high probability when it comes to dealing with empathy and validating other, especially in a work place.  Family is a different story when they live apart and don't need to interact with them all day/daily.

We may live with our pwBPD, share our most intimate selves, need to make important decisions together, rely on them for big or small things, some important, some not.

We are the closest to them and that is why we are here.

[jamjam]

Thats true with the stop making it worse, if i allowed things to escalate and argue back it would go from 0-100 fast, mostly through the relationship I was able to calm her but towards the end it become a game of pushing all my buttons until she broke me. I actually feel very sorry for her. Is there anything more you can recommend I do with this situation? Do you think my message was sufficient enough or should have I added a bit more emotion into it like "I miss you"?

[once removed]

i think a lot of us have done this...

blocking is generally erecting a high wall. unblocking tends to mean there is no longer a need for that wall, some ice may have thawed, but its not necessarily a sign that a person is inviting engagement.

i think its a good read on things not to push further or over pursue. its possible she is expecting that, and if you dont, that might even catch her off guard in a good way.