One week into trial separation and she wants to come home

[Q-DawgVFR]

So... .

It's been almost a full week since BPD wife left the house for our month long trial separation (of her request),  and about midnight last night,  I get a text (that I read this morning) stating that she wants to come back home.  We had agreed to boundaries and terms of the separation.  One being that we would both use the time to reflect, and she would not rush to any possible outcomes before the month was done.  I have the kids full time for the month and we are supposed to be very limited contact to kid related texts or emergency

I had just finished reading "stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist " book and although I wasn't initially keen on the idea of the separation,  I decided to focus some time on myself,  reflect a little,  and practice some self care and think about/practice healthier boundaries.  So while I was dreading this during the last week of her being in the house, I'm doing quite well so far.  Have been keeping busy with my kids, spending quality time with them and enjoying not having my wife's emotions hijack my reality.   I'm sleeping fairly well at night, and was feeling at peace with my wife choosing to stay, or go.

As things have been strained and my wife on the fence about leaving for months now, I finally made my peace with the reality of the situation and really let go of trying to fix anything just before Christmas.   Wife's been talking about finding herself,  "becoming the best version of herself " but had been pretty distracted chasing external validation up until just before she left.  She's made some realizations about that, but changed behavior hasn't been demonstrated.

It's been bitter cold here for several days and the car broke down a couple days ago and wouldn't start.  She eventually texted to hesitantly ask if she should get a new battery or call tow truck, but knows I'm a car guy and didn't want to blindly throw money at a problem.   I had a spare battery and got her on her way in under 20 minutes.   

She didn't say much while I was there.  I volunteered a couple things about the kids and that's about it.  I said I had to jet to pick up kids and said goodbye, and saw her tearing up and starting to cry as I drove away.   I sent a text afterwards saying i wasn't trying to be cold but i had to run and she was never too far from my mind, and I would let her know if car battery was ok after I charged it.

Today my text from her said "I want to come home.  I can do the same work at home as I am here but I don't feel comfortable here. There's no locks on the doors and I don't need to be away any longer to know I choose you. No question. No doubts."

I had to run to work after that, and I've had a full and busy day with special project, kid time, and my parents helping out and visiting here.  I wasn't sure what to say, exactly,  so I haven't responded.

My reaction is that I'm not ready to have her back, that I don't care if she's uncomfortable: this is what she insisted on having,  and I want her to finish the month long commitment she started.  I want to set new patterns for myself and caving now is just plain wrong for me.
I don't want her in the house before the month is up.  My thinking is after a minimum of 2-3 weeks alone,  maybe a couple texts , meet for a coffee or lunch date with her,  catch up.  Maybe after that, we can talk about what it is she wants, what I want, how we can make it happen, and whether that results in us staying together to do that.

My gut tells me sticking to my guns is important,  even at the risk of her getting angry and her going the other way again.

Any advice on what to actually say to her?

I want to find the right words to let her know I heard and i care, but i am going to be firm on following through

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[truthbeknown]

I am dealing with this from the other side but not as a "live in" situation where somebody leaves and comes back so I have never dealt with that per se.  However, i'm reading and comparing how attachment styles affect relationships and Stan Tatkin (Wired for Love) softens up the labels BPD/npd etc by giving them other names.  His contention is that we all play roles in relationships and sometimes one partner will play more of the avoidant in one relationship while the other partner is the connector.  I'm still trying to figure out where I fit on the continuum but he says the longer we are apart from our partners after a fight the more chance it can give to create resentment and damage the abilities for us to repair.  

So in regards to her originally asking for a month and now shortening it perhaps she has realized that this separation is NOT what she really wanted and she wants or is making attempts to reconnect?
I think for me the hardest thing about the boundary issue is that to make sure we are not using it as punishment for their dysregulated behavior.   It's hard when a partner feels emotionally abused or beat up by another to not go there.  We as non's can take on the projections of our partners and start matching or acting in ways that may appear to be "black and white" thinking.  So I am faced  with the same dynamic and I'm trying not to get sucked into the all or nothing aspect of what I want to do or how I behave and go back to maintaining flexibility.
It's challenging because it depends on the severity of their symptoms and how dark the dysregulation gets.  It's hard when they temporarily "discard" us not to be hurt and want to shield from that.  I'm back in the ring fighting the same fight so I'm throwing out some thoughts that I have been mulling over for myself in order to get clear( see my post if you'd like).   

[Q-DawgVFR]

I struggle with finding that balance as well.  But my past patterns have been too soft and give the benefit of the doubt (when it hasn't been earned). Most of the outcome of those decisions recently made is hurt me, erode my boundaries,  and make me feel poorly about myself.  

We separated on good terms.  There have been no real fights, but a few disagreements.   Nothing terribly recent.
Our communication has gotten much better in recent years, while trust and boundaries have been eroded by her pushing her wants on others.   There's always an excuse for her.

I don't want to punish anyone.   I need this time apart probably as much as she said she did, to reset and heal myself a bit from her behavior in recent months.   It's about accountability for her in her decision making, and following through on our commitments.  I might consider opening things up a tad early, but I don't want to do it in any kind of way that gives away my decision making.  I need to make healthy choices for myself.

I've been putting her needs and wants ahead of my own for too long, and I see it affecting my kids a bit now, as we tiptoe around her.   We matter too, and I will be supportive for her, to a point.   But the blank checks are over, and I would rather risk the relationship than the people in it.

[GaGrl]

She is alone with her thoughts and emotions, and persons with BPD have difficulty self-soothing. I suspect she becomes agitated and knows that being with you can relieve her agitation - one way or another.

I would say that this month is an opportunity for her to improve her ability to self-soothe.

However, be aware that she might seem other ways to soothe.

[once removed]

My reaction is that I'm not ready to have her back, that I don't care if she's uncomfortable: this is what she insisted on having,  and I want her to finish the month long commitment she started.

id be very careful about a "you made your bed, now lie in it" approach, Q-Dawg, just as id be careful about an "okay, sounds like you learned your lesson, come on home" approach.

im not advising one way or the other.

what is in the best interest of your relationship? why?

[Q-DawgVFR]

id be very careful about a "you made your bed, now lie in it" approach, Q-Dawg, just as id be careful about an "okay, sounds like you learned your lesson, come on home" approach.

im not advising one way or the other.

what is in the best interest of your relationship? why?

I need to choose words more carefully: I do care what she feels.  But it doesn't make a difference in the outcome of what I want for myself,  is what I'm trying to say.

I don't think it healthy for me to cave whenever she wants something.  I very much want to break the cycle of me being held hostage by her urgent wants.   I have choice too and I'm planning on using it a lot more this year.  I backslid a lot during the last 6 months of crisis, caving too much in damage control mode, trying to figure out how to make it work.   It doesn't help the situation.   And frankly I think she loses respect and takes advantage of the situation if I do it too much. 

I want to change the way I interact with her in this relationship.   The world doesn't revolve around her, in spite of her efforts to make it so. I do a lot for her, and will continue to do a lot for her.  But she will not get a yes from me all the time, or on her terms.  That needs to change for my health and well being.  And we will either find a way forward doing that, or will have to see if the marriage has run its course.   I deserve to be happy too, and I have done some soul searching and know what I can and can't live with.  I've gone above and beyond, for years, and I feel much better lately pushing back and saying no sometimes,  keeping her problems a little more at arms length.  It hasn't negatively affected the relationship further so far doing this.

She had a therapy appointment booked for today,  so I was hopeful she would self soothe or cope with it until today.   Since we aren't really talking,  I don't know what the outcome of her therapist appointment is,  in terms of mood,  but I'm hopeful that he was helpful to her efforts.   She usually comes out of there in a bit better state.

She could find self sabotaging ways to soothe herself,  but she wanted to prove to herself she can do it, so I'm staying hands off.  She knows (we talked about it) she can reach out if she's feeling destructive and impulsive or wants to cheat again.  She hasn't reached out that way.  She has been pretty high functioning over the course of our marriage.

At some point I need to let go enough to let her sink or swim a bit on her own.  She used to be pretty good at doing her own thing before her midlife / identity / relationship crisis.

[once removed]

At some point I need to let go enough to let her sink or swim a bit on her own.

think it through.

"sink or swim" generally doesnt work with a person that lacks relationship and coping skills, confidence, belief in self, that sort of thing.

Today my text from her said "I want to come home.  I can do the same work at home as I am here but I don't feel comfortable here. There's no locks on the doors and I don't need to be away any longer to know I choose you. No question. No doubts."

you havent responded to this, right? theres an element of vulnerability there, where no response to it could reasonably be interpreted as a rejection. i know that wasnt your intent.

without speaking to "come home or dont come home", why not address the point she made about not feeling comfortable there, and/or help her install some locks on the doors?

[Q-DawgVFR]

think it through.

"sink or swim" generally doesnt work with a person that lacks relationship and coping skills, confidence, belief in self, that sort of thing.

you havent responded to this, right? theres an element of vulnerability there, where no response to it could reasonably be interpreted as a rejection. i know that wasnt your intent.

without speaking to "come home or dont come home", why not address the point she made about not feeling comfortable there, and/or help her install some locks on the doors?

Oh I have thought about it... .(sink or swim)   I don't plan on letting her "drown".   She wants to grow, and has been making progress in some areas, in her therapy.
 Letting her find her own way a bit and not bailing her out at the first sign of trouble might be a bit uncomfortable for her, but I trust my gut, which was telling me she is capable of handling this on her own, and to ignore my usual habit of jumping in and giving her whatever she says she needs.

And no I did not respond to her text, but today I made contact to update her on a doctor visit with our middle child (kid stuff we had agreed to keep each other in the loop on), so I gave her a thorough rundown as she used to be a nurse and would want the relevant details.

After I was done, she messaged again voicing her desire to come home, that she was uncomfortable and scared.   Her therapy appointment (and some time) had not been successful in resolving her feelings.  She was still not happy in her current situation, so I thought I had better respond now.

I said I hadn't responded the first time, as it didn't follow our agreement and I wanted to give her a chance to talk it out with her therapist.  She knows she can reach out for help and chat with me, if it's truly urgent and nobody else will do. 

I asked a couple questions about why things weren't going well for her, and she told me that the old university friend she had recently bumped into after 20 years of losing touch, had made unwanted sexual advances towards her while she was driving the car (giving him a ride home from airport, which she had agreed to help him with).  She discovered he had a couple drinks in him and had to block him physically reaching for her a couple times while maintaining control of the car.  The aftermath of this being that he was no longer a friend.

The comments about not feeling safe and about the locks on the doors, that's because her other roommate made his interest in her known.  She apparently told him she was there to work on herself and not interested, and by the sounds of it, he has respected this, but she remains uncomfortable with the attention.

Locks on the doors are something the owner of the home will have to address with her, but she is only there for a few weeks (air bnb booking).

I said that must have been a really unpleasant scene (that's when she elaborated about trying to drive and block at the same time) and that it must've been unexpected and a little frightening for her.  I said I was glad that she wasn't harmed further and was able to maintain control of the car and that there wasn't an accident.  I tried to practice SET in my interaction with her today: I validated her feelings of wanting to come home, and acknowledged that I miss her also.  I then told her that although the trial separation was her demand, how important I thought this month apart was for BOTH of us to be able to reflect and reset, and hopefully do some self work.  I said while I miss her, the truth for me is that I don't want to agree to a rush decision to come home, which was made under stress / duress, and without doing any real reflection on her part.  I reminded her that her parents are away for 3 more weeks (out of country) and she could stay at their house if she needed to change her location to a known safe location.  I said I had to go, but we could resume conversation later in the day, which we did.

She did finally address my question challenging how she knew she was ready to come home, and truth was, she was uncomfortable and scared, but hadn't put in the focused time necessary yet, and the decision WAS rushed.  She said I was right to challenge her, as she felt vulnerable, alone and helpless, and reached out to some friends who reassured her also that she could do this.  She said she doesnt want to flip flop (on what she wants) as she works on herself.  She said she gets where I am coming from, and has recommitted to working through the time we agreed on.  She wants to be sure her feelings of wanting to come home, of wanting her family back, still hold true in the weeks to come.

A couple more messages exchanged about how much we both miss conversation with one another and how much I care about her

I feel that was a pretty good day with what we accomplished, as she feels better for getting herself under control now.

[Q-DawgVFR]

Will give an update here (it is just past the halfway mark after week 2).

First a question:

Assuming we want to reconcile and keep working on our relationship together at the end of this one month temporary separation, how exactly does one go about it?

I guess we both put a lot more detail and effort into planning the separation logistics: rules of limited communication engagement, duration of, children, finances, and living location and not as much detail on how to negotiate terms and the way which we will re-introduce ourselves back to being together.

In retrospect, I am surprised that she seems to have come around so much towards wanting to make it work.  I was not really expecting this "success", to be the chosen outcome.  So to be honest, I didn't give this possibility my full effort in planning ahead for.  I was feeling more certain that she would want to end the relationship as we parted ways, due to some further behavior (lies and choices made, which pointed at probable intention to cheat again)

Anyway, without getting into the specific details too much yet, I am feeling pretty good through most of this time apart, and I have definite desire to make some different choices for myself moving forward, whether together or separate.  I need to keep and maintain healthier boundaries (I already feel better for having them with our separation), so I know that it's not just a matter of "taking her back", but a more involved process of mapping out what I want, what she wants, and negotiating terms (if we can find common ground) of a new beginning to our relationship.

How exactly does one do this transition back to being together? 

I am working with a bit of a condensed timeline.  Some of it was logistical with a planned shutdown busy period at my work and not wanting a lot of upheaval in a critical time, which she supports.  The other reason is we both thought it shouldn't take us longer than a month to see if we are better off together or apart.

My thoughts right now are to resume some text communication after week 3 is over.  She is doing week #3 completely off the grid, and has changed living locations to be at her parent's place while they are away, for some much needed solitude and reflection time which wasn't really happening in the city.  We can text/chat about where she sits AFTER she's done the reflecting time she had committed to doing, and see if her present conviction that we are meant to be together and work things out, still holds true.  I would like to discuss how we are both feeling, what learning and conclusions we have reached, and what we would both like to do about it.  From there, thinking a public meeting somewhere quiet to have some friendly interaction.  Meet again soon afterwards again to discuss path forward options and negotiate terms.  Maybe see each other again once or twice before the end of the week and make a plan for coming back home. 

[Q-DawgVFR]

End of week 2 update:
 - Not a lot changed for me.  (I want her to complete the month and begin to talk at the end of next week) but wife had an intense day on thursday and said she badly wanted to have a conversation with me, even a short one.  To discuss a change she wanted to make in her living arrangement while on the separation period, along with a few other things she said were big moments for her.

- She said she's continued to miss me and the kids terribly and doesn't want to lose us.  She wants to start loving herself, treating herself with respect and acting with integrity, so that she can be equipped to begin expressing the love to all of us that we deserve.  (Sounds great on paper)

- She had been very distracted and not doing much reflection for the majority of the first week, but had a good therapy appointment and wanted to do better and go to her parents home to think alone.  (Seemed like a good idea to me to eliminate the distraction.  Tiny town she grew up in, everyone knows everyone... .  she wouldn't get away with much in terms of poor behavior)

- She said she had some profound realization she is absolutely meant to be together with me.  She apparently talked to a psychic: who told her that her and I chose each other for this lifetime together, that her physical chronic illness condition (she has ME/CFS and fibromyalgia) was her hint to start focusing on her mental health but that she's been acting out external validation seeking and avoiding the inward journey at all costs, her recently dead grandmother (who she had a difficult relationship with) talked to her and apologized for some of the things that she did that made my wife feel like she was never good enough.  She told her she did those things out of trying to help, and that her main means of expressing her love was through food.  She said of recent behavior, to "knock it off and start wearing her wedding rings, stop hiding them in the jewelry box".   

- She has a plan on how to find herself over the next week by "going off grid" at her parents home and working through all her self help materials, meditating, listening to music and reflecting.  She is very excited and telling me she has seen what rock bottom looks like, is so done with the external attention seeking and that making changes for herself and finding who she is and finally letting go and starting the healing is within her reach. 

I am not sure what to say or think about the second last point above... .but I did share with her that I remain concerned about her variety of solution seeking which seems to have rubbed off from some of her more out there yoga crowd friends:  "If you set the intention, the universe will provide it to you" type of thinking (nothing happens for free without working for it), consult oracle cards each day to see if her "card pulls" indicate if she's on the right path, talking to psychic and astrologer, crystals, etc.  Yeah I support the yoga and meditation and remain fairly open minded about spirituality... .  but this still seems a bit much for me in terms of being externally focused, like grasping at straws.  I remain cautiously skeptical about the nature of her reasons for wanting to come home, and whether this feeling will last.

She says she "feels it in her gut, with conviction, that it is the right choice."  And I think that's nice if it is true, but I want her to do the self reflection and be certain it is HER choice,  and that it is what she wants, vs picking me out of fear or convenience.

Not sure what's made her so convinced of everything so quickly.  She said its not all the psychic stuff, she was feeling it before and influences have come from several friends too, but she's making her own choice.  I minimized most of the skeptical thoughts I was having and instead validated as many positive aspects of the work she was doing as I could, and encouraged her to keep doing the difficult work.  Said I would talk to her on the other side of her "off the grid" period.  Wished her a goodbye for now and that she has a good week.

Now I find myself curious how the rest of the month will go, but nothing really changes for me for the time being.  I probably won't post further on this topic until we get to the end and come up with resolution and work at finding a path forward.  Thanks for reading!

[once removed]

its been a while, where are things presently?