My tragic but hopefully learning experience

[toughlover]

Hello Folks,

I came across this site a week or so ago after searching for answers with my failed relationship and it's been amazingly helpful to say the least.  To see that so many of us are going through the same emotions and struggles has been incredibly reassuring, to feel I am not alone in this and haven't been cursed to suffer this fate for unknown reasons. This is my first post so please excuse me if I don't use the appropriate acronyms and may be a bit ignorant of the board's culture. I do know many of us are hurting and searching for answers, and I thought by writing my story perhaps it can help myself, and maybe others as well, if not for some entertainment value. I tend to be a bit for verbose and my story is a long one, so please bear with me...if you have the time to read.

I am hurting pretty bad right now as my my girl ended it 2 weeks ago, however since coming to the realization that she most likely suffers from BPD only a week ago, or at least the traits of BPD, it has taken off some of the edge, but the sadness in some ways has evolved to something of an even more tragic realization. My emotions change by the minute from anger to anxiety to pity to sadness to relief and back around again. I think at the crux of all of this, is that love and relationships are why all of us here (on earth).  There's a reason why 90% of all music is made in the vain of love, starting, ending, unrequited, etc...But what makes this especially hard for us, is that when you add some form of emotional illness of top if, it becomes infinitely complex, and there really are no answers.  And at the end of the day relationships start and stop all over the world all day long, and BPD or any other reason behind it, it sucks.  To try and find some growth and understanding from them is ultimately the real journey we are all on. 

So my situation is incredibly challenging for a few reasons, not to diminish any one else's pain as every situation is uniquely hard for all of us, but what I've seen mine is somewhat more unique for these reasons:
1.We work together - never dip your pen in the company ink is well proven advise, when you couple that with BPD, it should be considered a extreme NO GO
2.This person is high functioning and liked and desirable in professional and outward appearance. She doesn't act erratically and is very stable in many ways, almost neurotically regimented. 
3. She is very empathetic and self aware in many ways, and never displayed the outright cruel and downright evil actions I've read about here and other places (not to say this wouldn't happen eventually had we stayed together as the signs were there)
4. I was always the pursuer, and therefore she never really had to take on any of the fault of the relationship disintegrating, at least in her mind. She doesn't drink and therefore as militant like self control in terms of reaching out from need.

So here is my story...

I moved to a new city to take a job in June of '16.  It was a new beginning for me after a long term relationship ended a couple years prior to moving which was devastating for many reasons, but much more because of attachment after so many years, and not so much because of true love or passion, and the writing was on the wall for a couple of years, I just ignored it, your typical guy who gets too comfortable and then is blindsided by the breakup. But I recovered and was ready for my next phase in life. At this new job I noticed an attractive woman on my floor and we would smile at each other and engage in chit chat from time to time.  It wasn't necessarily love at first site but there an obvious attraction. She is very attractive and desired by many guys in the office, which of course made the "chase" more appealing to me. Fast forward 6 months or so and one of our female co-workers said "I think you should ask so and so out".  Being that we are co-workers, I was always hesitant because of aforementioned advise, but figured what the hell. So I asked for her cell, and she happily gave it to me (even though it's on email signature so it wasn't like I couldn't find it). We went to lunch at work, but after a few text exchanges things kind of fell flat, we couldn't sync up, nothing happened for a couple of months. 

first engagement (late April '17):

My parents were visiting me and I was going out to see them off at a coffee shop and happened to drive past my ex walking her dog in the park (we lived near each other). So I texted her saying "did I just see you in the park?".  We started chatting over the next few days and decided to meet up in that same park on a Saturday morning. We chatted, walked around the park (which became a theme as I will get to later) and went for brunch and even went to a toy store to help me a buy a gift for my friend's daughter's b-day party. It was a great day.  We discussed how we were both going on trips soon, me to Jamaica by myself, and her to Europe with her friends. Before our trips we made dinner at her house and watched a movie and made out, all was starting off well, we continued to stay in contact through both of our trips. It was also both of our birthdays month so that was the first of many synchronicities we'd discover or that would happen to us. So I get back from my trip and she is already on hers so we didn't meet up again until she returned. We went to dinner and she showed me photos of her trip and we were the last ones the leave the restaurant, went back to her house and made out some more. A few days later I ask her to meet up and she drops the 1st bomb along the lines of "I've had fun with you but I really can't do the work dating thing, I was hurt bad a few years by someone and don't want to go down that path again".  It sucked to read that as I was of course thinking we were off to a great start. We took a walk around the building during lunch when she explained she's very protective of her reputation and can't risk what she went through before, she doesn't sleep around, etc.  It sounded reasonable but of course I tried to convince her I wasn't in it just for a quick lay. Which I wasn't, I knew deep down I liked this person a different level.  None the less the next few weeks of me pursuing and us getting together devolved into a friendship type thing so it fizzled.

*note: at this point I discovered she doesn't drink and hasn't for some time but I didn't know all of the details of her past. She did smoke cigs, which I didn't love, but I would on occasion too so I would be a hypocrite to say something about it, though I would say things from time to time.

second engagement (late summer/early fall of '17):

A few months passed and we started being friendly in the office again and decided to meet in the same park one afternoon after work. At this meeting she told me she just got out of her first meeting with a psychologist and was crying all day.  This was my first sign something was wrong with her. We chatted, and I told her about my struggles mentally with things years ago and we bonded a bit over this (I'm about exactly 9 years older than her). She told me that she has trouble with relationships and doesn't know why, as soon has sex becomes involved, she loses her mind.  Her exact words and incredible foresight of what was to come but I was clueless here. Some guys would've been out at this point, but not me  We decided we'd meet and go for an early morning bike ride before work. We did this and it was fun but I started to see certain signs that were a bit unusual such as defensive responses to benign comments, quick temper, etc. But the connection was coming back so I pursued. I asked her to do 2 things with me without telling her what they were and she agreed saying she likes surprises. So the first thing was watching a foreign film at my house, we made dinner, watched the flick, and made out. Shortly after this was when more things started to be revealed. I saw her at work one day looking really sad and called and left her a vm, she wrote back saying how nice my message was and that she was struggling at the moment. Although I sensed a pulling away we kept our second date. I planned an evening at a whiskey tasting/concert (I know stupid considering she's an ex alcoholic) and things went bad. We went to the event and had dinner first and all seemed well. Right before the band was going to start she all of sudden disappeared and said she was having an anxiety attack and went outside. She said she should take an Uber home and I should stay.  I said wait, and I went outside to find her. She started crying saying "you don't know me, you don't know me", I hugged her saying it's ok, I do know you and other things to console her.  I convinced her to go to a comedy show (my backup plan) and the night ended on a decent note although no making out. The next day she said she doesn't know what's going on with her and we should have a "walls down" chat. So I went to her house a day or so later and we talked.  We talked about "us", what we both want, and some other things but still no revelations about her past or what is really going on with her but I did learn she is taking antidepressants. As the pattern was starting, things again dissolved over the next few weeks with minimal contact, but me initiating a few friendly texts over the next few months. Keep in mind I see this person everyday at work, so the awkwardness of the on again/off again was starting to become draining.  Especially since we are both such private people and in some ways put on a mask to get through our days in such a high stress corporate environment. We basically act like strangers at work. 

*at this point I started looking into things like attachment theory and also things like Twin Flames, as I couldn't understand what was happening between us and why the draw was so strong.

Third engagement (March 2018 -June 2018):

I was riding my bike down my local path, and came across her with her dog down by the creek. This was just one of many synchronicities which of course fostered of all of the soul mate, "meant to be" thoughts.  Other things, we lived near each other, drove the same type of car, would run into each other around our area and sometimes I swear I would be thinking about her just before seeing her, similar background/histories, similar internal struggles and views on life, etc. This is where the infatuation on my part really started.

So I went down and we sat and chatted for the first time in months.She told me recently canceled a trip she was about to take to a country, which happens to be the small country where my father is from, because she just wasn't feeling the people she was going with. I was relieved since if she went to this particular country without me I would be devastated since she knew I wanted to go there with her someday. We talked about an upcoming work trip (President's Club for achieving certain sales goals) and who we were bringing, of course, we were both bringing our sisters. So after some friendly texting over the next month or so, our work trip to Mexico came upon us. While there I asked her and her sister to go to dinner with my sister and I and it was great. It was also the first time many co-workers saw us hanging out, other than that first lunch and other casual interactions a year before, so the cat was somewhat out of the bag. We got back from our trip, went to see some comedy, made out after and I asked her to go with me back to my home city I moved from for a long weekend.  She agreed to go, but in the weeks leading up to it, I was doubtful based on past experience that she would actually follow through. None the less it happened and those few days could constitute a whole long story in itself, but since this is becoming even longer than intended I will try to keep it brief. I should say we also had sex for the first time leading up to the trip and in my mind that started to solidify what was finally a real relationship.

I noticed in the days leading up to the trip and the drive to the airport, she was edgy and not exactly warm and excited. She said she was upset I asked our mutual co-worker if she was excited. She inserted words I didn't say in our innocent convo, and felt violated. I thought it was an over-reaction but maybe I shouldn't have asked our friend that, but this was coming from a place of my growing insecurity and attachment. The trip started out ok, I picked some great hotels, arranged for a play and a baseball game and dinner with some friends. Midway through the trip after a great time at the baseball game, she dropped the bomb again. She said laying in bed, "I just think we should just be friends, I think I was meant to always be alone". I was noticeably upset and hurt and said I was going out.  I went to bar, smoked about 15 cigs, had a couple double whiskeys and headed back to the hotel.  I was incredibly upset but remembering having a slight sense of relief since things were starting to get so challenging. I get back to the hotel a couple hours later, she is still awake in bed, I brush my teeth and lay down.  One thing leads to another and we end up having the most passionate, almost aggressive sex.  This continues through the next day and she shows a wild passionate side of herself I've never seen, asking me to choke her, being aggressive, initiating, etc. So in my mind a great day right? But during breakfast she starts saying things she doesn't like about me for the first time...I walk in front of her, and a litany of minor grievances.  She also breaks down and says she is sad, just wants to disappear, and other huge signs she is fundamentally distressed. She also has a work trip to China coming up and is incredibly anxious about this. But the trip ends, she leaves before me because I had some personal business to take care of, and we seem to be ok. When I get back I go to her house and for the first time I couldn't perform sexually.  It was weird, it was like she was being robotic trying to make this passionate sex happen when it didn't feel natural.  It was embarrassing to say the least as I've never experienced that before. She of course assumed it was her and was upset.  We ended going out back to chat and she revealed much to me.  Her first sexual experience was rape, she was arrested for assault which she says was a minor push of her boyfriend at the time, she was full blown alcoholic and drug addict, abortions, suicide attempts, she left her ex-fiance in a Vegas hotel room after he got physical, you name it. I was sympathetic of course and things were starting to make sense, at least in terms of why she is so troubled not so much in terms of a mental disorder. She had been sober for 9 years at this point, so that is a HUGE factor in why she has developed some sense of normalcy in her non-interpersonal life. So after all of this, we had sex again and this time everything worked as it should. So the night before she goes to China she calls me because she is feeling anxious and nervous, she gets incredibly upset at me over a small comment I made about preferring Japan over China and almost ruins the goodbye. We make up and she leaves for her trip in the morning.  When she gets back she comes out to watch me play in a tennis match and I also learn her grandmother died and she going to go to see her in another state. After the match we are chatting and she says she's been crying all night and having just played an exhaustive match and wasn't thinking about everything we talked about after her trip, she got noticeably upset that I asked "why?" Of course it was due to her grandmother, and that was pretty much it for round 3.  I went on a work trip, she went to see her grandmother, and things fell apart. 

I will continue on to the 4th and final engagement in another post right now.  And if you're still reading, thank you and stay tuned, this is where it really starts to get good, or tragic, depending on viewpoint ;)

[Sandb2015]

toughlover,

Welcome, you found a place where you can discuss and learn about BPD, perhaps more than you'd like.

You sound like a conscientious, caring, compassionate person, I read everything so far.

Looking forward to the rest.

[toughlover]

Ok...so the final engagement (Jan '19 - now):

The summer was very tough as I am fully attached and pretty much in love with this woman by now. Even though we went about our days with no contact, I would see her and it was difficult to say the least. I acted as though I was moving on, but I would consciously avoid her in the office. Many months go by and I start to get paranoid that she is sleeping with the CEO as they just went on another trip to China and he is showing images of them at the Great Wall in front of the whole company.  At this point the anxiety is growing and I'm starting to feel desperate.  I'm going on dates, even having sex with a woman I liked, but I was obviously distracted. The thing is, I legitimately missed her company.  Of course I love the sex and bonding but aside from all of her flaws when we hit it off, it was perfect, she made me laugh, had a dramatic and exciting personality, and gave me a feeling I never had with someone...well you know the drift, I don't need to explain loving these people to ya'll.

So one night leaving work, I'm parked at the intersection next to our building and it's just me at the light. I see her run across the street and get into a car a guy is driving.  I'm pretty sure she sees me as again, I was the only car at the intersection. This killed me, for some reason I just assumed she would never date or see anyone else unless it was me, completely delusional thinking of course. Or at least I had an idea she might, but I certainly didn't want to see evidence of it.  My imagination went into overdrive and lost my s**t to a degree.  I called out sick from work and couldn't really function. I felt like I had to do something, rational or not.

So on that Friday afternoon, it was snowing and I was going to my buddy's because we were going skiing early Saturday morning.  I decided to go to the park we've met at before and where I know she walks her dog. The idea was that I would wait for 15 minutes and hopefully see her, if not I would leave. I get to the park walk way out to this specific spot where she would come from her house and reach for a cigarette.  I realize I don't have a lighter and go back to my car to drive to the conveince store down the street. I know this is not an advised tactic nor commendable action but I wasn't thinking straight.  So I get back to the park 15 minutes later so and assume my spot, again, I would give it 15 minutes as by this point my buddy is expecting me for dinner. So I light my cigarette and within 5 minutes, there she comes walking down the path. It's snowing really hard at this point and there is no one else in the park. I start walking towards her and she stops, takes a double-take, and is like "hi, um what are you doing her".  Now under almost any other circumstance this would be deemed creepy even stalker-ish behavior, but the amazing thing is, she stopped I said, "I was hoping I'd see you here" and she reached out her arm for mine, and said "walk with me".  The was a sign that what I did there was ok, and incredibly reassuring almost like she also knew we needed to talk. So we started to walk and I confessed my feelings for her, that I felt I moved here to meet her, and more highly unadvisable things when trying to attract someone back. But I didn't care, I ultimately said I was in love with her. We continued to talk as the snow fell, and she got emotional as well, at one point saying she ended things because "we were too much alike, and both kind of floating along and she needs someone more secure" which as you will see later is the opposite reason of why she finally ended it for good. I told her I think she just needed someone who understands her. We hugged and she invited me over to her house. I went to my car and drove over.

She told me about her 2nd trip to China and there is nothing between her and the CEO, the guy in the car was weird and she decided to stop seeing him, and some other bombshells, like she got plastic surgery on her stomach and boobs.  I was in relived and in shock at the same time. Now I knew why she was out of work for 3 weeks. She showed me and while she didn't look bad before, she was always insecure about certain things and decided to blow a ton of money to get the work done. Everything looked great and felt great ;) but this is another big issue with BPD I've learned, self image issues. I went out and got some Thai and we had a nice evening catching up. The stars had aligned and everything was FINALLY happening I thought. It was all worth it, and against all better judgement and advise, I laid my heart on the line and she actually reciprocated, she was feeling it all too I thought.

So we started hanging out again, she was initiating ideas, texting more than ever, and we were having fun connecting like we never had before. But I knew deep in my soul, that this wasn't a recipe for success and was still fearful and walking on eggshells to do things exactly right. We started communicating nearly everyday by either text or call, but as soon as communication ended I started to think it was over. I was completely becoming co-dependent but honestly my feelings were justified over what's happened multiple times before. She came over to the new house I moved into which I always wanted her to see (I moved into it shortly after the 3rd engagement ended) and brought her dog, who I grew to love as well. We had an incredible long weekend, best sex we ever had which consisted of her crying after multiple orgasms. We made food, watched tv.  The one issue we had was sleeping together, not sex, but simply sleeping next to each other. She doesn't like to cuddle or get close, which I though was unusual but not a deal breaker, this kind of thing can be worked out. But this was a frustration because I was so worried about her being comfortable since sleep is so important to her, it affected my sleep, but regardless things were progressing. Again more and more contact, flirty texts at work, and her showing me more than she ever has. I was starting to believe.  Then it started to happen. 

We went to a basketball game and when I went to her house to pick her up, I could sense a lack of excitement, not unusual to many times before. I almost came to expect it and knew I had to be on my best behavior to turn it around.  We went to the game, I had great seats, and her mood turned around and she loved it. We went to dinner after and had an emotional talk on the way back to the car where kissed passionately on the sidewalk. This was becoming the love story movie you dream of, at least I thought it was, we were back baby! The next day however was where I finally, after all this time, realized something was really wrong.  She broke down crying and said how depressed she is, and actually mentioned thinking about cutting herself. I consoled her and she got better but in hindsight, rather than being focused on the relationship, I should have stopped and said, "you need help, perhaps you and I aren't the best thing right now", but of course I was blind by the idea of love. In reality thinking back to everything she said and did over our time together, she was warning me in the most honest way, that she can't handle a real relationship, she can't handle love. Just sad.

She ended up going to her parents house to visit them as she often did, and I stayed at her house, got thai food, and watched a movie. She got back and we watched a movie and she was feeling better. We went to dinner, came home, and made passionate love. All is well right? So we continue to see each other, communicate like normal bf/gf and we have a nice Valentine's day dinner. I get her a card and gift, she gives me nothing, which is kind of rude, but I didn't really expect anything. Dinner is great, we're the last ones to leave. That weekend she is going on a girls trip to her parent's house in the mountains, and I'm excited for her as I want her to have fun of course. She calls me when she gets back because we planned for her to come over after. She tells me how awful it was, all of her friends got ___-faced, and she's left cleaning up after all of them. I agreed, there was a lack of respect, but the way this affected her was extreme. She ended up coming over after waffling about if she should and I made her dinner and we had a nice evening. The next day she had another emotional breakdown, she doesn't like her friends, including her best friend (who she's cried about before to me), she needs new friends, she regrets her surgery, her new depression medication isn't working (big surprise), hates work, and again hopeless and lost. I console and feel incredibly bad as I just wanted her to have a nice weekend, and come back excited to see me. She told how much she thought about me while with her friends. She went home that night and said how glad she is to know me. That's the thing she would say nice things but it was always in the vain of "thinking about me" "knowing me", never "missing me" or "loving me".  But regardless, I knew things were bleak. However, that next week was the most she ever showed me, texts about wanting to see me, provocative texts, saying my house felt like home, etc. I actually believed we were going to get through this. Ironically, this was our last week together.

Later in the week I said I would come straight over after work to see her, and this was her invite.  However I didn't and ended up texting her saying it would be a bit later since I went home first.  She responded saying we should take a raincheck. This goes in line with overreacting over the slightest perceived injustice, and her fear of abandonment kicking in. Suffice to say, that was the nail in the coffin.  I noticed a slowdown in the texts, even though we still had plans for dinner Saturday night. But I just had that internal feeling that it wouldn't go well.  Sure enough I show up at her house, and she is in sabotage mode. There is nothing I can do, no matter how prepared I am, to dissuade her from having a bad night. We barely talk at dinner and it feels forced. She tells me she bought a ticket to Italy and I never said I wanted to go with her so I have no reason to be upset. On the way home I ask her if something is wrong, and that's where the devaluation starts. Just a barrage of how everything I do is wrong, how she is waiting for her soulmate, we have nothing in common (too diff vs too alike) how I don't intuitively know when to give her back rubs like her abusive ex-fiance, give bad foot rubs, too slow moving and thinking, even my kissing is bad, which really hurt since it was something I never thought there was problem with and really loved doing with her. And for the first time I saw an anger that scared me, I said I told her something and she denied it so voraciously and angrily I had to tell her to relax. I got emotional myself and was about to leave when she said give me a hug and we started chatting on the couch. She did say nice things like I was a wonderful person and she will probably regret this but no guy wants to hear that, and especially not all the soul mate and ex-fiance stuff, total lack of respect for someone who has been nothing but patient and loving with her. Finally she said I was emotionless and she hadn't seen that guy who professed her love to her since that day. Just brutal.

So I went home and sent a couple of texts I regret, about wanting to be kissing her, some songs (something I had always done and she liked), about her trip to Italy and I would love to go with her.  But in hindsight, I should've done nothing, not because it would've helped my chances with her but because I wouldn't allow myself to feel hurt and upset, always putting her needs first. But I always felt like I had to because I always initiated the reunion. So the next day she sends breakup text which hurt because how how decisive it was. She feels it in the core of bones that we aren't right, and she doesn't know why the universe brought 2 people together with opposite views, and that she had to follow her gut and can't continue. I reply a few hours later saying that was a tough text to read considering how things were progressing among a few other feelings.

Work is obviously awful at this point, as much I try to stay focused.  I worked from home a couple days later and sent her a video saying it helped me. It was a talk about relationships and how they take work to find the reward, and most people are looking to completed by someone instead of looking inward at their issues. This was probably seen as a passive aggressive ploy to make her "see the light" and she replied there's no chance for us and she wants me to find a mutual intimate relationship. She said it wasn't sudden and that she "tried" to feel the feelings but they never came. Finally she said "take care" which I thought was overly dramatic and closed the conversation with "see you at work, love you babe".  Which I still do, I really can't be mad at this woman, and told her as much. Does that mean I never could, no, if things were to progress it could be a nightmare of this for years to come. And that's partly why this is so hard, it's as if she knows she can't be what she wants to be, what I need her to be, and she's saving the both of us from future heartache. 

Ultimately, I believe she truly feels and means what she said, but the black and white thinking, her fear and incapacity to give or receive love in a real intimate relationship, and her shame for dumping so much on me to the point where I become almost a therapist/parental figure is too much to endure. I understand that now.  Learning what I have in the last week or so has given me so much clarity, and she fits nearly 6 or 7 of the 9 traits of BPD, most definitively always having issues with people at work, friends, lovers. But I'm still in a fog, almost like those last 6 weeks were like a dream. Ultimately I always figured we'd always be together so it's finally realizing that it's not meant to be is what's killing me, it's really been almost 2 years in the making. Part of me wants to tell her what I think she may have, that she suffers from BPD, but I know there is no good way to do that. I truly want her to be happy and whole, but I miss her too, and the co-dependent, drama-addicted me wants to help her. Seeing her all week in the office laughing with co-workers certainly doesn't help when I know what she's going through inside. She has 2 solid parents who are still together although I'm pretty sure there are some issues with her mom as she told me once her and mom was always so fit and perfect and she was chubby and had eating disorders in high school. She also didn't really have friends in high school and after the sexual abuse incident went the other way and became highly sexual active, popular, and partying. Her younger sister is supposedly bipolar and doesn't talk to the rest of the family, I've heard emotional/mental disorders can be genetic. Because she is high functioning, with a seemingly good support system of family and friends, she can get through her life reasonably ok, but until she faces or understands what's really going on, real relationships will always be a struggle.

The way I am trying to see it, is that imagine the way we feel now, once our partner has left us or we've left them, that longing, that anxiety, this is most likely how they feel while in the relationship. They are literally more lonely while involved with someone intimately than they are alone. We feel at peace and connected when with this person, they feel lost and confused. But at the same time there is that desire for human connection and love that we all have inside. They just don't know how to manifest it, thus the pain.

Thanks to anyone who actually read these 2 posts, it really helped to get this all out even though it's like a short novel. I'd love to hear your thoughts or any questions you have for me about these situations.

[Sandb2015]

toughlover,

Thank you for the well written and time consuming post.  I'ts not common for us to be so precise and this was...

You have told a story with detail that shows in facets what we nons see in our daily lives.  Thank you.

You showed a picture that is so like what we don't can't see from a distance (backward binoculars).

It's no wonder that we request ideas on clear portraits of BPD on screen in another area, we get our own stories and chopped stories from others because we are anxiety ridden and blurt things out, sometimes rambling...not this time.

I'm sorry you experienced this, you sound strong and clear, I can't imagine this being written so clearly by someone in a Fog.

Thank you, I see things, a picture, a story that will haunt my days.

[toughlover]

Sandb2015,

Thank you for your kind words, short and concise, they brought a tear to my eye. Writing that actually helped me escape from the fog for a brief time, and seeing that there is some value in it, helps immensely. I really am trying everything in my power to see the positive in this, as impossible as it seems in the moment. It is almost humorous in it's tragedy and difficulty so that's one way to look at it too. I feel for all who endure this kind of situation and hope we come out stronger because of it.