Struggling, sad and hurting

[anon28]

I believe my girlfriend has BPD. I will tell everything from the start up until now.

We met online, we are from different countries. Within days of speaking, she started to tell me that she loved me. I didn't really respond to this at first because it was so early on in speaking, but I guess I found it a bit cute and started saying it back. Things were fine, if a bit intense. We would spend every single moment speaking to one another and it did feel really intoxicating. I became addicted to her and I still am, even after everything.

She told me that she was a virgin, that she had never kissed anyone before. I wasn't really bothered either way, but I found out that this was a lie and that she had been with multiple people. I put it down to culture, as in her culture it's looked down upon to have multiple partners. I did feel bad over this, but mainly because of it being a lie. (I didn't find out it was a lie until about 1 - 2 years into the relationship).

Our first big fight was over her texting another guy on fb. I found out that she had been sexting him during the first few months of us being together. We ended up sharing fb details to build trust and make it okay.

So we go on for a bit, me feeling a bit possessive and jealous, and her also becoming increasingly jealous and suspicious. She hates that I have had any previous partners. She still brings it up now after five years, and makes me feel guilty for things I did before I met her. I have never done this to her. I get jealous of things that happen now, not things that have happened in the past.

While all this was going on we still had our good days and our bad days, when its good its amazing. She's fun, adorable, and just my favorite person to be around.

Anyway, now you have a general feel for the relationship.

So we go on for a bit, and we end up meeting up in person. I lived with her for around a year, and I think overall it was a very nice year. I was happy, she was mostly happy. We did have a couple of fights about her getting a bit too close with random guys online, and this has been a constant throughout our entire relationship. If I bring it up, she will bring something up about me and manage to turn it around on me, so I'm the one on the defensive.

There were things before this, explosive bouts of anger followed by intense periods of love. I am mainly going to focus on what has happened in the past year, the year since I came home from her.

So this year has been horrendous for me. We pretty much fought half the year, with her treating me mostly like someone she despises, and then like someone she can't live without. She says she is worthless, I don't deserve to be with someone as horrible as her. She hates herself, she wants to die. She says things like this so frequently now. She will become furious about the smallest things. I offer to order her some food and she shouts at me if she can't pick what she wants quick enough. If I order it and it turns out that she doesn't like it, she rants at me and makes me feel like I'm the one who made it and made it wrong. I ask her to do something together she doesn't want to do it, but then gets mad if I am doing something by myself. It's like she has gone much worse since I came and went.

I had been planning to go to her again in October, but unfortunately my grandma (who is like my main parent figure) was diagnosed with advanced cancer, and has since past away. I obviously couldn't go to her when this was going on, and she accepted this. We decided that she would come here instead. I am now grieving, and I'm in a really bad way emotionally, but thinking of her coming has made me feel okay, giving me something to look forwards to.

Anyway, we were just talking yesterday normally, and I could tell she was in a mood about something. I asked what was wrong and she snapped at me and ended the call. She then messaged me "I have been cheating on you". I was gobsmacked. Instant horrid feeling in my chest. She goes on to say that two days ago she sent three pics of herself in a bra to a random guy on fb. When she told me who it was, I realized it was someone that she had added recently and I had thought it was a bit weird when I saw her sending him like cutesey gifs. You know, like he would say your cute and she would say no im not and then send a funny little picture. She had added him on instagram and sent the pics there. She said that she sent the pictures after he sent ones of himself and asked her for some, and he then tried to escalate it further. She said she felt horrible as soon as she realized what was happening, and she said that she said to him that she has a bf and she already feels really horrible for what she has done. She said he told her to f*** off and blocked her. Now he did block her, and she did tell me within two days about this. I know it's not been a long term thing, as he was a very recent add to her fb.

It's like she knew she was coming soon and she has just put everything at risk for this. I don't really know what to do. I feel it's going to get to the point where I have to run a surveillance operation on my girlfriend to stop her from cheating. How can I live like that? I'm a chill guy. I just can't stand lies and deceit. I love her, and when she's being nice to me it feels amazing. But I feel like I'm just someone there in her life who has turned into like an emotional punching bag. Like a safe target that she can lash out at.

How can she do something like it, at a time like this, when she knows I'm grieving. I know she's low too. She says I cant see a future for myself, I hate everything, I hope I never wake up. She says this sort of thing regularly now. It wasn't like it when we were together in person, but she still had anger issues. But then much less noticeable.

I have read a lot about BPD over the last while, and it does feel like she matches up with what it says about it online. She does paint me as either amazing, or the worst. She does say horrendous things to me then pull me back in and say she loves me. She does have intense feelings of low self worth. She has self harmed in the past, before our relationship. I just don't know what to do. Why would someone do something like this, if they love someone. She can't answer why she did it. She say's she doesn't know and she's sorry. She has all my passwords. She has deleted any female friends that were on my accounts. She has quizzed me about every message that she could see, from before we got together. If I had done something like this (sending pics to random girls) I know she would probably never forgive me, and make me feel like ___ about it for the next ten years.

Will it ever change? I feel emotionally battered. I have already buried my grief, and had been really throwing myself into arranging for her trip here to keep myself looking forwards. Now I just feel like my emotions are going to burst out of me. It has been the worst year of my life, I think, and now she throws this on me at christmas I still love her.[/size][/size][/size][/size][/size][/size]

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi anon29, and

first, im sorry to hear about your grandma. losing a main parent figure can be kind of like an identity crisis, in addition to and as part of the grief. its a lot to bear.

it sounds like theres a great deal on your plate. we can help you get to steady ground.

its important to understand that this is a long term (on and off) conflict in your relationship, one that will not be solved over night. whatever the reason, this is something of a coping mechanism for her. things may improve, they may not.

when do you see her next?

[anon28]

Hi, well we talk every day really, but we are long distance at the moment. We had planned her visit for Jan, but not sure if it's happening now. It has been a long term conflict for sure, and doesn't seem to be going away.

[William_D]

Anon,

First, when you used the work Gobsmaked in your soul-wrenching note, I knew i liked you :-).  You do indeed sound like a chill guy and your GF is lucky to have you.  I have never had to go through disloyalty like that, so I can only imagine the deep pain, especially when you really love her.  The fact that you are here now and are talking about trying to improve is great.  I don't know if you have read many posts here?  I see its your first post.  It really helped me to read through a lot of other posts to know that I was not alone in my feelings.  

The descriptions sounds like BPD.  I feel bad that she really hates herself and I know what it feels like to be able to make that person feel good, even if for a little while... .and then to be made into Hitlers abusive step uncle from hell.  That being said, I like that despite the crap, you can objectively see the good  in her as there is no doubt good there.  

I just read walking on eggshells and I am marinating on the tremendous amount of information in that book.  I tried to implement some of the ways to talk too my pWBPDwife (i don't know the shorthand yet) today and it was sort of an out of body experience.  I was actually really really objectively listening to what she was saying today and I had to control myself from not laughing... .not at what she was saying, but that I was able to listen to myself be crucified without feeling that i was gong to lose it.   I have less than .001% hope that these communication tactics may just work, but that's a lot more hope than i had yesterday.  

Do you feel that you often have to hide what you are thinking or feeling from her so as to not make her mad?  Have you ever lied to her because telling the truth seemed that it would just be worse?  

If you haven't started doing these things, then maybe you haven't completely fell down the rabbit hole and you can work to set some sort of boundaries with how she talks to you before you feel you need to start doing them.   If you are already doing these things then welcome to the club :-)  

Also, this i like my 3rd or 4th post so i really font know anything about how to cope, but I definitely know I have professional punching bag on my resume.  
 

[anon28]

I guess I do hide my feelings a bit, usually just for an easy life. I don't think my situation has got so far as some of the other posts that I have read, but then it feels like it's definitely gone far enough to affect me emotionally. I'm just not sure what I should do with the latest situation. I feel it's not enough to end the relationship over, but then it is a huge thing at the same time. In my mind I'm like, well it's just a bra picture, Kim Kardashian posts worse than that to millions of people around the world on her Instagram every day. But then the other side of me says she knew exactly how this would make you feel, and she did it. She knows you are grieving, and she still did it. She chose to risk everything over nothing. If I left her over it, I know she would be heartbroken, and I know I would be too. 

I do believe her when she says that she sent the pictures and felt instantly bad after doing it, but why send them in the first place? I have been put into a position where I have to consider ending a relationship when I am at a time in my life where I really need support and don't feel like I'm in the frame of mind to make such a decision. She has done enough to hurt me, but not enough for me to feel like I can really throw away five years over it. I worry that if I remain with her, now that this line has been crossed, it will be crossed again. It's like she has been really lashing out at me the last couple of days, and when I was nice to her she would get even angrier, and now I know it's because she was feeling the guilt, and it was eating up at her inside. But does feeling the guilt and spitting what she did out to me equal regret, and if it does, does regret equal I won't do this again? She says she won't do anything like it again, but then when she lashes out at me and has mood swings she tells me that she is going to try and stop it, and then the next day she does the exact same thing, so I just don't have much faith in what she says. I'm sure that right now she means it, but that doesn't mean she will stick to it.

She is a person that really judges people for being unfaithful. She sometimes even goes into a mood when we watch a movie and someone cheats in it. She hates the idea of it. She projects movie characters onto me, and if someone does something like that in a film, her mood will shift and I know it's because she is imagining me doing the same thing. How can a person who seems to completely hate infidelity, do something like this?

When we fight, or if I have any problem and try to call her out on it, she always ends up saying "well just leave me then", so it puts me in a position where the options are A: accept her behavior, or B: leave her. I feel like this makes it so in her mind she can justify her behavior as I am the one choosing to remain with her and accept it. In the few times I have sort of started to distance myself from her, she will pull me back in. I sometimes feel like she's just pushing me to see if I will leave her, escalating it until it feels like we are going to break up and then once it's at that point, starting to cry and say she is sorry.

[anon28]

Things are quite bad today. I was trying to help her fix a computer issue and I found that the problem couldn't be fixed without some specific steps. I told her these steps, asked her if she could do this (she needed another external device) and she ended up getting all snappy with me, shouting, telling me to go away. I knew this was coming, as she can't seem to handle anything not going her way.

She then seemed to calm down, but I will still feeling upset inside. I had told her 20 minutes before she brought up the computer issue that I was feeling sad about my gran and she didn't make much comment. Just hurts that she can speak to me like this when I am hurting.

Anyway, when she calmed down we seemed to be chatting normally, then she started talking about ex partners. This is a big danger zone, she starts asking me casual questions - "what exactly did you do with her? It's just funny, I want to know, it won't bother me". Always the same things, when it's completely obvious she is feeling all toxic and hateful inside. At this point, I just felt horrendous. I'm already feeling so bad over everything else, and I just started crying. I do feel like I'm at my breaking point. I'm getting no love from the one who should be there supporting me through such a time, and not only that, but I get hate instead. I do everything I can to make her happy. It's just too much.

[Bnonymous]

Hi anon28,

Welcome to the boards! 

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma. And I'm sorry that you're not receiving the support and care and kindness that you need right now.

But then the other side of me says she knew exactly how this would make you feel, and she did it. She knows you are grieving, and she still did it. She chose to risk everything over nothing. If I left her over it, I know she would be heartbroken, and I know I would be too. 

It's understandable to feel that your partner should have known how you would feel about her actions and have considered your emotional vulnerability due to grief - but that doesn't necessarily mean that she did know. BPD emotions can often be so intense and overwhelming that they take up all their mental space and, at those times, they are not always able to remember or consider anyone's feelings but theirs. That can be hard and painful for everyone involved, including the pwBPD themselves who is often genuinely remorseful after acting on impulse.

I do believe her when she says that she sent the pictures and felt instantly bad after doing it, but why send them in the first place?

I suspect this is a matter of impulse control. We all feel like doing foolish and destructive things at times, but most of us are able to bear in mind the consequences of these and hold ourselves back from actually doing them. A lot of people with BPD have very poor impulse control, so, when they feel like doing something destructive, they actually go ahead and do it (while, for us, it would just be a fleeting velleity and quickly dismissed).

She is a person that really judges people for being unfaithful. She sometimes even goes into a mood when we watch a movie and someone cheats in it. She hates the idea of it. She projects movie characters onto me, and if someone does something like that in a film, her mood will shift and I know it's because she is imagining me doing the same thing. How can a person who seems to completely hate infidelity, do something like this?

She has all my passwords. She has deleted any female friends that were on my accounts. She has quizzed me about every message that she could see, from before we got together. If I had done something like this (sending pics to random girls) I know she would probably never forgive me, and make me feel like ___ about it for the next ten years.

I don't know why your girlfriend did this, but when you said your girlfriend described it as "I've cheated on you," it made me think of something my boyfriend says.

Like your girlfriend, my boyfriend has a deep loathing of infidelity and cheaters. And, like your girlfriend, my boyfriend is jealous, possessive, and constantly anxious and paranoid that I will cheat on him.

My boyfriend has told me on several occasions that he's cheated on me (I am confident that he hasn't actually done anything though). He has explained to me in retrospect why he said it. This is his explanation:

He tells me he's cheated on me because he thinks I've cheated on him, and he thinks that, if he says it first, then I'll say it back and he will finally "get the truth out of [me]".

He's also thought "if she's not bothered about me doing it, then that will prove that she's doing it, and then I'll know".

Basically, he expects me to cheat and the feelings this triggers are as real as if he had reason to believe it were actually happening. He becomes unable to cope with the suspicion and uncertainty this causes, and so he desperately needs to have his suspicions confirmed so that the pain of not-knowing will ease. So he pretends he's cheated in order to get me to confess that I have.

That's how he's explained it to me in retrospect anyway.

I have no idea if anything similar could be going on with your girlfriend. But there is a chance that it might be related in some way to her fears that you will be unfaithful. What do you think?

Or... .It could simply be a matter of her having done something impulsively without any thought for the consequences of the action or how you might feel about it. Often the simplest explanation is the right one, after all - I do have a tendency to over-think things sometimes.

How do you feel about giving her your passwords? Do you think that she might be over-stepping a mark a bit with that?

[Yellowpearl]

Hey there, i'm sorry for your recent loss. I can only imagine how difficult this must be, to grieve through the loss on top of supporting her emotionally and trying to make her happy while feeling like your own needs are being put aside.  A lot of these issues may be worked on, but it may be slow until you see improvements.

For addressing a problem with her and calling her out, it sounds like that doesn't seem to get anywhere when she just tells you "well just leave me then." People with BPD have really bad conflict resolution skills and tendency to feel easily criticized which makes it very hard to have an effective argument with them that another person wouldn't take that long to resolve or ignore it. There are ways though to improve things on our end to work toward solving the problem and improve the relationship. Good thing is this board has excellent resources and tools. There's a workshop currently being worked on about how to effectively problem solve and here's the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331853.0

Basically, I realized over time, and it gave me a lot less heartache that I can't really talk to or solve things with my BPD (who things are still up in the air with!) like I would talk to a non BPD person. You just don't get good results that way. I learned about tailoring my communication in a way to work on a problem so both people feel heard. It took a really long time to understand that and it's something i'm still learning and working on.

Being already emotionally distraught as you understandably explain to be, i'd caution giving any more than she gives (for now) unless it's urgent. A lot of her behaviors, as Bnonymous points, out sound like acting out behaviors rooted from her own insecurities because she is afraid of you leaving her. You are likely experiencing a lot of "tests" just to see if you will stay or leave, are cheating/not cheating. A bit of reality distortion. A lot of it seems like projection to me. This all may take some time to improve or resolve, and I hope you will continue to post as we figure this thing out!

[anon28]

With the password thing, I guess in some ways I kind of regret doing it, but then these days I don't really use my facebook for much more than scrolling my news feed and occasionally replying to a message. In regards to what she did, I think it could be poor impulse control. I mean, she has been under a lot of pressure this last year, and it's the lowest I have seen her be mood wise. She is basically in a very stressful environment, dealing with a lot of things that are out of her control, and I do think that it's brought her down extremely low. When she did picture thing, I had been quite busy and maybe a bit distant due to going through my own grief and trying to stay on top of my uni work. This is why I kind of let it slide. I have told her that I hate that she has done it, but I can't really leave her over it because she hasn't done enough for me to be able to justify leaving her if that makes sense. I am the kind of person to make a decision about something and then stick with it. So, in this case, I have made the decision to bury it and now I probably won't mention it again to her. One thing that has made me feel a bit better was having a deep think, and thinking about how if I did have to leave her, I would most likely get through it. This has given me a bit of a feeling of control back I guess, the fact that I can think of the breakup and not feel like my world will end. I don't want to break-up, I want us to work, but then if something like this happens again then I will probably have to walk away because I don't want to become someone who is just afraid to go anywhere or do anything in case she cheats.

I don't think she would ever go into like a proper affair behind my back, I just worry she will get low and do something stupid again and then instantly regret it, and I don't think I could forgive the same mistake over and over again. But we shall see. We have been a bit more okay in the last couple of days. I have a feeling she's a bit confused about how I seem to have just forgiven her, but then once you have decided to forgive someone for something you have to stick with it, else it's pointless.

I sometimes feel like I should have been a bit more assertive in the past with her, and not let her become so dominant in the relationship. I tend to just go with what she wants, mainly just to avoid conflict, but then I kind of feel that she has lost respect for me because of my passiveness and has got so used to getting her own way about everything that she is furious when I don't feel like going with what she says. As an example, if I'm tired and she wants me to get up and play a game with her, and I don't want to, she will go in a giant mood about it and make it into a huge thing, or if we are picking movies and she finds one she wants and I want something else, she will just say something like "it's fine we just won't have a movie", and then proceed to be snarky and angry for the rest of the night. I just feel like maybe if I had been a bit more assertive right from the start, the relationship wouldn't have such a huge power imbalance. But then I just don't like conflict much. I enjoy to just chill out and have fun. It's not like I'm scared of conflict, it's just I that can't be bothered with wasting energy on it. 

[anon28]

Basically, I realized over time, and it gave me a lot less heartache that I can't really talk to or solve things with my BPD (who things are still up in the air with!) like I would talk to a non BPD person. You just don't get good results that way. I learned about tailoring my communication in a way to work on a problem so both people feel heard. It took a really long time to understand that and it's something i'm still learning and working on.

I find it very difficult to not try and reason with her. I am pretty much the most logical person you can find. I tend to try to break her arguments down, in a perfectly rational and reasonable way, and never get anywhere. I have started to try and implement some of the things I have read on this board, such as trying to understand her emotions and get her to feel like I do understand them. It's still early days, as we haven't had a big fight since I made my first post here, so I will see how they hold up next time it kicks off.  I guess it will just be hard to move away from justifying myself and trying to make her see how irrational she is being, but I will try, as I want us to work.

[once removed]

I tend to try to break her arguments down, in a perfectly rational and reasonable way, and never get anywhere.

when we do this, we arent listening. when our partners our voicing their concerns (or worse) they arent in a position to listen. so you end up with two people talking at each other, not listening, and the conflict is either escalated or at least unresolved.

our partners speak in extremes and often kinda throw the kitchen sink... .problems and feelings arent expressed clearly, or in an orderly way.

its one of the biggest reasons that listening is actually so important. between the lines, there are usually grains of truth, specific and legitimate concerns, etc. if we argue first, we are just telling our partners there isnt validity to anything they are saying, frustration grows and trust is depleted.

make sense?

[anon28]

Well, a lot has happened. I forgave her, decided to move forwards. This weekend she has met up with another guy and had sex with him. She then told me about it straight away, same as with the pictures. I told her it was over and she is now in hospital puking up blood from a suicide attempt. I just don't know what I should do here.

[once removed]

how are you feeling about it all?

what, if anything, do you want to do?

[anon28]

Now she has told me that she was really drunk, had weed, and that when he was on top of her she didn't want it but didn't say no. She said she was all messed up and was just thinking of me when it was happening. I just don't know how to feel. I feel so angry she has put herself in this situation.

[anon28]

I don't know if I believe her.

[Sandb2015]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds like you care very much.

Do you feel like you want to keep the relationship?

There are so many resources here but you have to ask yourself many questions and answer most yourself with help here,

I’m just broken with someone with BPD symptoms. I have questions and few answers.

[anon28]

I just don't know. She is changing her story a bit too. She messaged me first saying I messed up, I f****d someone. Then it turns into her being all drunk and high, unable to move. Then it turned into her saying well I didn't say no or push him off when I could have, so it wasn't forced. Just isn't making sense. Then we had the bleach drinking thing, stomach being pumped etc. So now I'm in a position where I can't push for answers, and her being the victim and in doing this regaining control of the situation. I just feel so exhausted, and so tired of it all. It's like she sabotages, and then instantly regrets it and punishes herself, and then repeats the cycle. I feel so sick imagining her with this guy. It's just all too much.

[anon28]

I feel like I am under pressure to be the one who is there for her. Her brother was messaging me begging me to give it another try. I feel like shes just got me as like a safety net and I have always been there, and I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of her. But I feel so tired, and things are spiraling downwards, as you can see from the posts. I feel like she needs a therapist or some other professional help. I feel like I have no respect, and that I'm in a position where I am rationalizing something unforgivable, by thinking well maybe she is just mentally unwell and that's why she did it. But she isn't simple. She put herself in the situation. Maybe she is just saying like it was forced to make me feel sorry for her, and to pull me back in. I just don't know. I noticed that when I started to show a bit of support for her, after she said it was forced, she went back into an aggressive mode, talking angrily about me telling my family about what had happened. Then she said she has drank more bleach, so I woke her brother up and he is now sitting with her, and says he doesn't think she has had anything. (bear in mind we are currently LDR so I'm doing all this from miles away). I just feel like I want to grab her and scream like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS" to make her snap out of it. She is ruining us. She is destroying me emotionally. She is destroying herself emotionally. Can I even go back to the relationship after this? Is cheating common in someone with BPD?

[once removed]

youre in a difficult place, and your conflicted feelings make a lot of sense.

what i would suggest is that if you have doubts about breaking up, i would probably hold off. because if you break up with her now, she will feel a lot of hurt, a lot of blame, and she will feel abandoned. those in and of themselves i think are not reasons to remain with her - it would be dishonest to you both. however, if you then get back together, it will be that much harder to repair. ive seen the same scenario before.

so whatever you decide needs to be firm.

having said that, you are currently broken up, right? if you are committed to it, you can still support her. with your hurt, confusion, and feelings of betrayal, you may not be in the best place to support her as a romantic partner.

not a lot of good options... .what do you think?

[anon28]

Hi, sorry I didn't get back, I have been going through a bit of a breakdown I guess. I found out that she wasn't forced into it. I saw screenshots between her and the guy, with her saying how good it was and stuff. But then she drank that chemical when she came in (probably very shortly after sending the messages) and blocked his number. It took me a while to get to the bottom of it, and I actually had to find this all out from the guy himself. Anyway, I obviously exploded once I saw the truth of the matter, and she ended up self harming again. I ended up going on a cocaine binge and being drunk all week which is so out of character for me, it's just too much. I am going no contact with her at the moment, but I am still talking with her brother. She is so messed up. She just sits around crying all day, talking about me. Last night she had disappeared from her house in the middle of the night, in her pyjamas, and I had to call her for the first time in ages and get her to come home. She was so hysterical. I feel so exhausted and lost. It's like she has done something so terrible and is now punishing herself for it. I don't know what to do. Part of me loves her, but then when I think of what she did I just can't bring myself to forgive it. I feel like my options are - leave her and she dies, or stay with her and try to fix her, but at the risk of my own health and sanity. It's so awful and I'm so lost. She has proven that she will act and try and hurt herself. In her last attempt the doctors said they are not sure if she will pull through. She hasn't eaten for a week.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Anon-
I am really sorry for the pain, grief and confusion you are going through.  And I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your gran.  Often when we lose someone so close to us, we quietly take a close look at our lives during that time of grief.  Your uBPDgf seems to have kept the chaos at such a high level that you’ve been unable to grieve properly OR look calmly at your life.

As I have personally experienced over the last 5.5 years with BPDbf (and 19 years with ex-husband before), and have read on this site - the stories that pwBPD traits feed us nons are filled with holes and can change within a matter of minutes.  The truth is hidden somewhere, but it’s hard to get to it.  I’ve scratched my head in amazement at some bizarre tales.

I’m not certain of the truth behind certain details you’ve been told about her self-harming, etc.  In the U.S., if someone attempts suicide, they are NOT simply released from the hospital straightaway without some psychiatric follow up.  When you were told she drank bleach in her suicide attempt (and nearly passed), was there any psychiatric follow up?  When her brother said she drank more of the chemical, was there some reason he did not call for emergency medical help?

There’s a hard realization to come to terms with... .I’ve  had to face it myself.  I cannot, and WILL NOT be my lover’s therapist, psychiatrist or MOTHER.  That kills a relationship.  My place is to be his lover, friend, confidante, supporter, playmate, partner.  If he turns me into his opponent or his enemy, he needs to leave.  When my emotional or physical health suffers due to his words or behaviors, it’s time for him to fix himself.  I cannot “fix” him.   I did not break him.  You cannot “fix” or “cure” your uBPDgf.  Sad as it is to say, we cannot “love them to wellness”.

These are my views.  Just mine.  And I walked through my pain to get here.  I now believe that the repeated cruel actions of my BPDbf were not “mistakes” on his part. We’re grownups.  And it was a conscious decision on his part to destroy us and NOT get help for his behavior.  And it was a conscious decision on my part to get help and become stronger.

Anon, we all know these relationships are difficult.  We stay because of love, memories, hope and compassion.  But nothing in the relationship changes until something changes.  And that change usually begins with the “non”.

Anon- you’ve mentioned a few times what your “options” are regarding your girlfriend.  I believe your primary option and focus at this point is to pay attention to yourself... .to have compassion for yourself.  The things that have taken place have hurt YOU.  DEEPLY.  And it’s time for you to pay attention to that. 

Perhaps consider obtaining a therapist to assist in clarifying things with you, to help you feel more in control of your day to day.  It feels like you need a break, a “time-out” of sorts.  You’re allowed to take one.  When you regain your footing and feel more balanced, you can better evaluate how to proceed with your relationship.  But for now my friend, the most vital relationship, the one most deserving of compassion is the relationship you have with yourself.

Your thoughts?

Please stay with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[anon28]

Honestly, you're completely right and I think that's why I have managed to maintain no direct contact for such a long time. I am in a very bad way myself, but then I feel like her family is looking to me like I'm almost being unreasonable by wanting to take a step back after all this turmoil. "Just give her one more chance, she is ill, she is suffering for what she did" kind of attitude. But even though she is suffering, she created the entire mess. In regards to why she didn't stay on in hospital and such, basically she is in India living with her family, and I am from the UK. Things are different over there, with the systems being pretty disorganized and not much mental health treatment freely available, which is the main thing that is making me feel like I am just letting her go by choosing to not interact with her. If she was in my country I would feel more comfortable knowing that she can be in safe hands. But it's just too much. I can't build her up again for her to break me. That's literally what I think would happen. I would build her back up to a position where she is stable enough to break me again. I just can't do it anymore. She did it all, not me. I am considering seeing a therapist. All of this is affecting my life. I am so behind with my uni work. I am so exhausted. I put everything into her, and did everything I could to keep her feeling happy.

[anon28]

I spoke with her today for the first time in ages. I just told her that she needs to go to therapy. I explained that I am in no position to communicate with her right now, and that for us to even think of having a conversation she needs to have attended therapy regularly and be showing clear signs of improvement. Basically "I can't fix you, you have to fix yourself". I told her that I would communicate with her brother for now, and that if it gets to a point where she seems to be making good progress and has gained an understanding of her issues, maybe we can have some communication. She seems to be okay with this arrangement, and hopefully it will give myself, and her family some breathing room. I don't really know if I can forgive her. I don't know if its her mental illness that made her betray me or not. I know she tells me she can't even look at herself in the mirror after what she did, and she does seem completely broken. I'm just going to try and take some time out from it all, avoid drinking, join a gym and stuff. Hopefully with some time and distance I can see things more clearly.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Anon-

I am truly sorry that you are still suffering so, and heartened to hear that you are taking positive steps to help yourself, and in the process your uBPDgf.

I believe you have made the correct and kindest decision in taking space for yourself now.  I am glad to hear that your uBPDgf appears to understand and respect your need at this time.  It sounds as if you made that very clear to your gf, And I hope she will honor your request. 

It may also be appropriate to request that her brother and the rest of her family step all in to support her, help her obtain the help she needs and give you some much needed emotional space.  If you feel ok with this, perhaps explain to them in writing your exhaustion, deep grief over your Gran’s passing and your need to heal; and the fact that you need time to catch up on schoolwork.  Anon, you deserve this healing and recovery time, and she has a support network in place.  It is very wise that you are recognizing your limitations.  The next step is to establish a boundary with her family like you have with her.  It doesn’t mean “forever”.

This is the time to exercise self-care.  Real self-care. That is NOT a selfish desire, it is necessary.  Remember the saying - put on your OWN oxygen mask before placing the oxygen mask on the person sitting next to you.  This statement is made because it’s counterintuitive to help yourself first.  And we NEED to be reminded that we cannot assist anyone if we become incapacitated.

On this site we sometimes say “you shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”  That one hit me like a ton of bricks.

Is it possible to find a T (therapist) for you to work with?  Perhaps through Uni?

Do you have a good network of friends or family nearby to support you?  Even friends by telephone can be helpful.

Despite your gf’s hurtful actions, you do not need to make any decisions about the future of this relationship now.  There is no urgency there, so please try to remove any pressure around that off your “list” of things to do.

Anon-  it is clear that you are a very loving and compassionate man.  We are here to help you through this difficult time.  There are many members of our community who have experienced circumstances that resemble yours and understand your feelings.

You are free to post any and all feelings here, so please stay with us so we can help you through this.  We can assist you with processing your grief around the loss of your dear Gran as well, if that’s what you need to talk about.

You deserve to feel good about taking positive steps for yourself and your healing.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes