Newly discovered codependent after confusing relationship

[snacks7]

Hi,
Last month, I left a year-long relationship that wasn't working after a few months of couples therapy. She insisted we go. I at first agreed, then said let me think about it, and after weighing the pros and cons, decided it was the best choice. It felt like we weren't on the same team and my partner would intentionally misrepresent things to the therapist.

Eventually, I was introduced to the topic of covert narcissism, and there was this sense of relief that it wasn't all my fault. That I was doing well to communicate, and that my partner may not have been interested in making the relationship better for both of us.

Then I noticed all of the red flags that I missed during the relationship. How I would agree to things just because I thought I'd have to in order to be a good partner, how she read my journal from the back of my closet when I was out of town, how her fear of missing out was so prominent.

Then I learned that these are the partners I will always attract until I learn more about myself. I just finished reading the page on traits of codependency, and I felt like someone knew me whom I had never met. I was sad, yet knew that this is a big part of growth and improving my lifestyle.

Last week, I recognized that I've always been good at hiding my feelings by my service to others- playing sports, family time, community service, etc. I noticed in the rare, but always memorable moments, I have failed in these endeavors, I have taken the disappointment extremely personally. I behaved as though everything would fall apart if I didn't do a great job. This has often been at the neglect of whatever was going on in my personal life.

This relationship was my first committed one (I'm a 31-year old male who recognized dating multiple partners does not support my long-term goals). It was also the first time I noticed that no matter what I tried, over long periods of time, I could fail at making someone important to me feel better. Even though it was my partner who always adapted external problems to our relationship, or blamed me for the challenges we were having.

The question that changed things: Why do I feel like I failed when I patiently gave and sacrificed of myself? Why did I let myself feel like that based on someone else?

It's because I didn't know I'm codependent.
What I wanted for her did not match what she wanted for herself.
I wanted something for her more than I wanted my own peace and acceptance.

I finally recognized that my whole life, I've confused self-efficacy and my ability to influence others with internally-derived, honest self-esteem. I'm glad to finally be on a better path, though I sense I have a "long road" to recovery from this relationship and my patterns.

Anyway, glad to be here! I came to read discussions, but they made it more simple to post first.

[once removed]

hi snacks7 and

Last month, I left a year-long relationship that wasn't working after a few months of couples therapy. She insisted we go. I at first agreed, then said let me think about it, and after weighing the pros and cons, decided it was the best choice. It felt like we weren't on the same team and my partner would intentionally misrepresent things to the therapist.

couples therapy, in some cases, has the potential to polarize and inflame conflict, if one or both partners are more interested in fixing the other party, and/or getting the therapist on their side. its unfortunate that things went that way, but on some level it may help that you gave it your best effort.

Then I learned that these are the partners I will always attract until I learn more about myself.

as the pain subsides, it will go a long way toward your healing to explore this on the Learning (post Detaching) board. i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here, perhaps the most vital part of my recovery was having a strong support system. i encourage you to join in the threads youre reading, i found that reaching out to others was self soothing, and it will help build your support system.

do i have it right that you were the one to end the relationship? what happened (when you did), and do you have any contact still? how are you holding up?

[snacks7]

Yes, I ended the relationship.

We did an exercise on relationship values, where we both prioritized respect for each other and ourselves. She was not willing to understand concepts of my consent and autonomy, saying I was demanding her to "obey" my personal boundaries and choices. 

Then we had another episode of what I thought was grossly unacceptable behavior, with her not leaving my home when I wanted and sitting on my car so I couldn't drive it. Then walking with me to the restaurant I was going to when I asked her for a break and we can talk about it the next day. She complained the whole time about my behavior and that I don't seem to care about her, no matter how I tried to empathize with her. I wasn't mad at all, but she kept asking if I was. I'm glad I wasn't; it was too easy to visualize shoving her away when I didn't have many other recourses.

She apologized and said it'll get better once ____, but she always said that.

I have felt mostly relieved since our split. I think I stayed too long because I was compensating for what I perceive/guess could've been a potential avoidant-dismissive attachment style from me.

I'm back and forth on trying to make sense of why things happened the way they did, signs I missed or ignored, things I could've done better. I keep remembering (thus forgetting) to simply accept that the relationship is over and I never have to see her again.

But I'm also concerned about my discernment skills and practicing that I am not defined by what I do for others and their perception of me.

[snacks7]

Thanks for the response btw.

The breakup was pretty smooth. I just stuck with variations of "I understand you feel like I ____. This relationship doesn't suit my needs." I then blocked her on all communication and have not seen her since then, almost a month later.

[once removed]

so the two of you couldnt get on the same page when it came to boundaries and values. that certainly tends to be a relationship killer.

sitting on your car is pretty difficult to work with... .i had very similar incidents actually and i didnt handle them so well. it sounds like you were at the end of your rope.

I think I stayed too long because I was compensating for what I perceive/guess could've been a potential avoidant-dismissive attachment style from me.

both can be true. the reasons we all stay are as unique as we are, but there are some common themes, and attachment styles are often one of them.

I'm back and forth on trying to make sense of why things happened the way they did, signs I missed or ignored, things I could've done better. I keep remembering (thus forgetting) to simply accept that the relationship is over and I never have to see her again.

i think learning the lessons, including where there was room for improvement, are critical for not only healing, but thriving in the future. i think its also hard to do in the earlier stages. i was open to it, but some of these things are blind spots... .it takes learning new skills and tools, some trial and error going forward... .its easier to see room for growth in hindsight, when weve grown. your narrative of what happened will evolve, and probably many times.

you were together for a year. when did the problems start? howd you get tipped off about covert narcissism?

[snacks7]

Sorry to hear that. Physical boundaries are difficult because if you can't flee, you will fight. But at that point, it was so obviously about control that it was just laughable, and I wasn't in a rush. She even sat inside my front door mocking and recording me outside holding the door open while I said  I need you to leave my home please.

Interesting question, because it shows that things were actually suspicious early. There were great moments, but things were never really that great.

She found herself in a housing situation and the house I was renting had an extra room and 3 months left on the lease. Things got noticeably weird when I said I wasn't ready to move to another place together.

Her first question was if I wanted to be in an open relationship. No, I just don't know if living together is the best way to explore our relationship. I regret not speaking my concerns about her moving in to set expectations, because I thought it would be smoother if I didn't mention anything.

 It became a major issue that didn't seem to resolve no matter how we talked about it. I explained that it didn't mean we were breaking up.

She said she was stressed between things from work, not liking her boss, the move, finding a new place to live, and this complex of unidentified things, and it was causing her to be irritable. Said she didn't feel supported in the relationship. I did my best to communicate and be supportive, both listening and asking how I can help. I recommended making a list to specify the stressors so we can plan how to deal with them. The other roommates said it was like she had a dark cloud over her and she was always kind of brooding. Dating her was the hardest thing in my life because I'm generally low stress, and I could never account for all the things causing her grief on a daily basis.

That was a month and a half of arguing 3 or more times a week, and I don't know why. I was exhausted and sometimes numb, but I kept telling myself, just make it through the move, things will get better. But a month after, it still wasn't.

One time she invited me over, but I had plans. She said she needs my help because she has problems outside of the relationship too. Why would one problem, me, want to come help with other problems? I later mentioned that I'm not her fixer, but I will help how I can. She would say things like are we going to be masters or disasters in our relationship, implying that I was not a good partner.

I was reading on the beach when I got a text about some racist lady she met at a party. I said that sucks. Sorry some people are like that. Then she was upset I didn't invite her to the beach. Then, days later at counseling, she said that I was careless about her feelings about the lady.

At the breakup, she said she needs more time, she started a new 21 day stress program with her solo counselor. She said that I would regret that I hadn't tried everything to make it work, which I knew is not my job and not a reason to stay in a relationship that hadn't been good for a couple months at that point, with no signs of improvement.

It was a series of things like that. Where she was mad at me that I'm a separate person who could make my own choices, and I couldn't fix her problems.

After the breakup, I read a message I had missed from before about her going through the stress reduction before testing for bipolar. Then I started researching bipolar, borderline, and narcissism.

A video said a narcissist will disregard your boundaries to comfort themselves (like reading my journal because she felt entitled). Once I knew what to research, more signs were apparent - her victim mentality that the world was out to get her. Her lack of accountability for her actions when she was emotionally distressed, and she was usually emotionally distressed. When we casually talked about it one day, I said that we always have a choice in how to respond when things happen. She was not receptive

[once removed]

It became a major issue that didn't seem to resolve no matter how we talked about it. I explained that it didn't mean we were breaking up.

about how far in did this start? some people, insecure types, will push really hard for commitment early on. im with you, in that its a huge decision that you dont want to leap into. but your "no" can be received (as you found out) as a rejection, one that an insecure type will see as a sticking point that must be overcome.

Dating her was the hardest thing in my life
... .
That was a month and a half of arguing 3 or more times a week, and I don't know why. I was exhausted and sometimes numb, but I kept telling myself, just make it through the move, things will get better. But a month after, it still wasn't.

so, i know i specifically asked about the problems in your relationship, but in your posts, im not seeing much about why you liked this girl.

what was the draw? apart from expecting it to get better (was there anything apart from that?), why did the relationship persist?

i ask because there might be a lesson there too.

[snacks7]

The talk about not moving together started in August, and we had to move before October 1st. I know that could be tough to overcome and a contributing factor in the drama, so I held in the relationship, went to counseling, and just let it breathe while doing my best to support.

Towards the end of the relationship, that's what most of it was- hoping for a brighter future, and sometimes looking at pics together of fun times.

There were definitely things I liked about her. I enjoyed her companionship. We studied salsa dance together, and we had fun learning and practicing together. Cooking together. Conversations over meals, how she told stories. She's a belly dancer, so it was fun to go to her shows and see her joy. We were each working on service businesses that build communities, so it was good to hear each other's ideas and feedback.

I'm equally comfortable alone or with someone else. I think the things keeping me in were proving to myself that I wasn't running away from intimacy, showing her that I was there for her and not abandoning, and that we could work to overcome challenges together.

I drew from my hope for others to improve their situations with the right support, patience, and mindset, but I don't NEED that in such a steady dose for a relationship to thrive. Just pass through it eventually, make a strong effort to improve, and don't do anything strikingly erratic. She didn't seem interested in that.

On that sit on the car episode, she said "It seems like you want this relationship, and I appreciate that." Which I found really annoying because I had been demonstrating that the whole time with efforts like going to counseling, listening to her recommendation to not live with a colleague's daughter, working through her violation of my journal and what she read in it, continuing to work on communication, etc. It's not actually for me to prove to my partner that I want a relationship with them, and the efforts were ineffective. I decided that accepting the new level of potential for physical altercation was not how to prove anything.

[snacks7]

We also did fun things together in the latter stages of the relationship. Took a couple road, beach, and nature trips, kept dancing, cooking, and spending time together. We spent more time explicitly dedicated to each other since it wasn't so incidental, just trying to enjoy each other's company.

[once removed]

its hard to mourn and grieve those things, even up against the aspects of the relationship that werent so great, or worse.

how are you doing today?

[snacks7]

Way better, thanks.
I've spent a ton of time reading books like the New Codependency and watching this lady Peace and Harmony on Youtube.

There has been a 2 phase recovery for me- 1 was learning everything I could about BPD, covert narcissism, and similarly undiagnosed, categorical challenges. It has been amazing to hear hauntingly similar stories and themes from around the world. Learning there's a completely foreign-to-me way of relating to the world and our peers was liberating.

Phase 2 was giving myself permission to be complete, whole, and within myself, instead of needing others' permission, needing to prove myself, or have others understand me. I attribute the old habit to being first born to sometimes overbearing parents. In recent years, I've been good at saying no, but I've let people rile me up by getting me to explain myself incessantly when they weren't actually seeking to understand, etc.

There was also an element of letting people live their own choices and believe what they want. I want people to have the best, most accurate information to make their best decisions, but I've stopped researching, teaching, and proving things that are not my responsibility. Not engaging recurrent internet discussions about a border wall and vaccines have been proving grounds!

I feel way better. I've started dating again, and I can navigate moments when someone is toeing boundaries to see how I respond. I exit those connections before committing to them.

Thanks a bunch for the support! I'll check in to the community to see how I can lend some eyes and encouragement.